HowTo:Eat an orange
So you want to know how to eat an orange. Maybe you embarrassed yourself at your friend's orange-themed wedding and don't want to repeat that debacle, or maybe you stuck an orange up your ass and realized too late that oranges don't work that way.[citation needed] This might even be your first time eating an orange! No matter what your deal is with oranges, this handy guide will ensure you can eat oranges with grace and style.
Step 1: Choose the right orange
Of course, you don't just want to pick any old orange. If you picked one of those mass-produced, additive-loaded "oranges" from grocery stores, no wonder you've had orange problems! One that's been ripening for a few days is perfect for orange-eating beginners like you. If it has a few slices taken out of it, then you'll know that whoever ate it liked it enough to share the orangey goodness. And the oranges you eat should be unique, like you – find an orange that really stands out. Any orange in a dark alley at night will do. Don't be worried if your chosen orange is a bit rotten or moldy, because if the insects and raccoons liked it, then so will you!
The orange should also be orange in color, in case that wasn't obvious from the name of the thing. Here is an unhelpful table to tell you what kinds of oranges are actually oranges, and which ones are impostors.
| Color | Safety notes | Is it an orange? |
|---|---|---|
| Red | Mutant cherry in disguise. | No. |
| Orange | Okay, provided you read this article before shoving oranges down your gullet. | Yes. |
| Yellow | Are you insane or just blind‽ That is a grapefruit. A. Grapefruit. | If you need a how-to guide to tell you that grapefruits are not oranges, you are likely to achieve levels of stupibility unknown to monkeys, let alone humans. |
| Green | Either unripe or a grape. | Yes and no until you peel it and collapse its wavefunction. |
| Blue | Dude. Take off the 3D glasses. I know you think it makes you look cool, but your family is concerned. | The least orange of oranges to ever orange. |
| Purple | I think you're looking for the HowTo:Eat a grape article, not this one. Well? Go on then, the link is right there. | Not an orange or a grapefruit, but a secret third thing. |
Step 2: Get to know your orange
You can't just eat an orange. Start slow and take it to dinner or something, which will help you and your orange develop a bond with each other. From there, you can offer to take the orange dancing or even spend the night together. Oranges love dancing. You'll also want to get consent from the orange. This can be done by simply asking the orange "Can I eat you?", but some oranges will need a reason. In that case, you can usually just come up with something flimsy like "It's for TikTok" or "I have scurvy".
Step 3: Peel the orange
Orange peels can be tricky, especially if you don't know how to eat an orange. Start at one of the green parts and poke a hole in it about the size of a small country. Then, poke your nose into it and breathe in, which will let you take off the peel while leaving the actual orange mostly intact.
Step 4: Actually eat the orange
Once you've chosen your perfect orange and developed a good relationship with it, there are a number of different ways to proceed:
- Put it in a blender
- 3D modeling your orange in the software Blender is a great way to make it manageable enough to eat. It gives you the option of eating a 3D printed orange, which you can change the size or shape of in case you want a plastic orange the size of a sugar cube.
- Swallow it whole
- We've all swallowed cherry pits before. It's just a thing we all did as little kids. But this isn't the article on how to eat a cherry, is it? Anyway, you have to open your mouth wide enough to comfortably fit the entire orange, or you'll just look silly.
- Don't forget the "Simpsons" method
- Smashing things against your face is always a good option, especially for oranges. If you followed Step 1, you have a nice, soft orange perfect for smashing against your face to the disgust of the adult education class you're teaching.
And finally ...
Congratulations! You've eaten an orange!
See also
