User:Dorkadorkreece/Original Link (Legend of Zelda) Article
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“HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN-”
“Well, Excuse me princess!”
“Who put a penis on that sexy lady?”
“He is not a true fairy boy.”
“Mah Boi!”
“I'm sorry Link but our princess is in another castle”
“No! Not into the pit! It burnssssssss!”
“...”
“In Soviet Russia... Links folllow you.”
“Wears tights and hangs out with fairies? Sounds like my type of boy!”
“HOLY SHIT! Where are my pants?”
“I have to comment on everything, funny or not!”
Link is a Canadian fairy boy and is considered a dangerous criminal. His hobbies include slashing innocent people with a sword, pillaging, raiding sacred temples and, in general, trying to piss people off. As a side note Link is also known to be a terrorist and has on several occasions under the use of sign language reported that he is a Hitler descendant. Aside from his 15 varieties of swords, he is known to carry dangerous weapons such as bows and arrows, feathers, spring-loaded grappling hooks, shoes made of solid iron, very large leaves, bombs, Super Nintendo cartridges, and large strap ons. He is said to be the leader of the well known terrorist organization, the '"Triforce Bombers". His crimes include entering people's houses, uninvited, and taking money, pieces of heart and other valuables, breaking expensive vases, cutting lawns without permission, constantly asking people for "masks", impersonating Goron leaders and Zora rock stars, killing innocent monsters and ripping their hearts out of their chests so he can eat the heart and "replenish" his wounds, destroying the Death Star, animal cruelty (especially toward farmyard chickens), petty theft, and public indecency. If you see Link, try to slowly walk away to your apparent appointment at the Dentist. On the second day at 7:00 PM. Link will Z-target (sometimes even known to L-target) you for hints on his next move. He has been known to wear several tunics of different colors which include, but are not limited to, red, green, blue, purple, and even the fashionable bright teal (depending on how shitty your TV is) and pimps shrine-maidens far and wide.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Link was raised in the Kokiri Forest, the only child of the Great Deku Tree to not receive a fairy. And when I say Deku tree I mean that his father was a giant tree, and was somehow father to a whole host of forest children who could never grow up. They were raised to 'protect' the forest, deep in the Lost Woods, where the screams of children could not be heard. They all got cloaking devices disguised as fairys. All, that is, except Link. He doesn't need a fairy.
The other children constantly ostracized Link for his lack of a fairy and for his inability to speak. Link's greatest bully, however, was Mido. People who can't play Zelda should remember him quite well, Mido was that asshole that wouldn't let you see the Deku tree, rendering the game a complete piece of shit. There is new evidence that Mido was jealous of Link because Saria liked Link more than him. The reasons behind Sarias dislike of Mido stem from his lack of cleanliness. When asked to shower he would cry. However, the fact was so that he could not because he "had" to protect the Deku Tree.
Despite this handicap of being unable to speak, Link learned how to communicate with people (or maybe Rin Tin Tin). Later on in his life, Saria came on to him and taught him how to Z-Target, then to show their friendship and her love, gave him a potato ocarina, which he drops to go diving for a better one, breaking her diamond solid heart.
When Link was around ten or maybe eleven, the Great Deku Tree fell ill with a curse. Which was set by Ganondorf with a cursed bug. And after, Mido was really mad at you and saying that you killed the Great Deku Tree.
[1].
Teenage Years[edit | edit source]
Seven years after the Great Ganondorf overthrew the incompetent and oppressive King of Hyrule and managed to make Hyrule Field a safer place to live in, Link came out of his coma. A strict anti-Semitic Aryan supremacist, Link was shocked to find that Ganondorf, a black Jew, was in charge of liberated Hyrule after overthrowing the Aryan Royal Family. Ganandorf had been responsible for numerous improvements to the Kingdom of Hyrule, including the construction of a canal linking the Zora River and Lake Hyrule, the Gerudo Valley Economic Development Programme, and the exile of a race of bandits called the Goron who descended every week from their mountain lair to kidnap fair Hylian women. He also commissioned the Deku Environmental Watch Squad, a team of Deku vigilantes who spit nuts (no pun intended) at anyone illegally contributing to the deforestation of the Kokiri Forest Nature Reserve by poking their sword in the bushes (no pun intended). Link, being a direct discendant of Hitler, upon hearing this felt his his blood boil and he started a terrorist campaign against Ganondorf's administration, scapegoating the "dark-skinned Gerudo rats" and seeking to install a militaristic, racist regime. He started bombing random patches of dirt or walls possibly as a terrorist attack against Hyrule.
After the Great Dick-u Tree's death, Ganondorf had placed all the children under his protection to ensure that Michael Jackson couldn't get his hands (and by hands we mean mouth) on young child ass (and by ass we mean penis). Link, no doubt paid by Michael Jackson [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], slaughtered their guards, thus exposing them to Jackson's wiles, amongst other things, of Michael Jackson. He then killed Michael Jackson in the Forest Temple, stole his ruppees and used it to fund his terror campaign against Ganondorf's closest friends, Jews. Among those he killed was a straight dragon who was stopping all of the Mormons from having homosexual intercorse, the giant peeping tom-eye who was spying on the Zoras (also straigt), a giant black Rayman (Not Straight), and Ganondorf's two lesbian mothers (Somehow straight).
A year later, Link had ass ass in ated Ganondorf's cookie, and he also killed him with a LAZAH and then later disappeared through time using a magical Ocarina. What he did after that is unknown but is has been rumored that he met up, again, with Zelda in the Courtyard... and I think you know the rest.(HE RODE THAT ASS LIKE A $2 HOOKER)
Career[edit | edit source]
After killing his father, Link stole his dad's family jewel (yes, he only had the one) and went on a journey to Hyrule Castle Town. That bitch, Saria, had given him an ocorina, he didn't like it so left it to get the cooler platinum "Ocarina of Time". Anyway, he traveled to Hyrule Castle Town and killed an innocent Stalchild on the way, claiming it was in self-defence. No one believed him, but then again, no one found out either. That's right, no one found out, so the previous statement doesn't exist. Just forget about it. And if you value your life you'll never mention it to any one. Ever.
At Hyrule Castle Town, Link got a job as a Happy Mask Salesman. He sold masks for a creepy guy that might have been a transvestite, who was also selling Great Dick Nuts on the sly. With the source of Great Dick Nuts gone, these sales made both the Happy Mask Salesman and Link rich. Of course it's a little known fact that the salesman didn't become the happy mask salesman until after Link joined his troupe. After a little while of working for the salesman he realized that there was still a retarted chicken egg in his pocket that he couldn't use. Oh, sorry, I was supposed to put a spoiler alert. Soon after making billions, Link became obsessed with money and could be found walking into people's houses, smashing their pots, and smoking the ones he couldn't [smash], taking their hard earned cash for himself. The funny thing is, nobody ever said anything to him about it... They didn't hide their cash better, so I guess they deserved it. Cheap Bastards.
Whilst selling a chicken back to the guy he bought it from, Link decided to steal into the Castle to sell his wares. He came across Princess Zelda. Now before he had found her in the first place he had searched all of Hyrule and was thinking, while standing next to her, how he would ever find her in the big castle. Link took many things out of his pockets and she was impressed with his dad's family jewel and asked him to steal two more to fund her Triforce addiction. She had agreed to split part of the drug with him but she was just a slut and had been lying from the start.
Links sexuality in his teenage years have led people to believe he is definitely homosexual and oftentimes on his adventures has shown this (note the tights).
Criminal Years[edit | edit source]
After leaving the castle courtyard Link, for no reason whatsoever, began slaying monsters. Sometimes, he would eat their hearts in a Satanic ritual to heal his wounds; he would use the bigger hearts of larger monsters in a Dark Ritual to gain strength. This added only one notch to his stick thing of many crimes.
A year after leaving, Link somehow managed to get the Boring Ruby from a leader of the rock-eating miscreants known as Morons. At the time, the Moron Leader, Darunia, was suffering from a spot of depression. No one knows what transaction Link did, but Morons all over Moron City could hear Darunia's cries. A local Moron at the time stated...
“Well, it was soon after that fairy boy visited Big Brother's room. He cried out so loudly, Morons on the other side of the city could hear him. It was something along the lines of, "Oh! Oh-oh! C'mon! Come on! Come on! Come on! HOT!!! What a hot beat!"[2] Well, I think he said beat anyway. Anyway, soon after, the blond fairy boy leaves wobbly legged with and Big Brother comes out with a big smile on his face. Said he'd been dancing. Pfft... yeah, right.”
It was also at this time that Link started visiting the Great Fairy Fountain franchise of strip clubs located at the top of Death Mountain. Quite what he does there is a mystery, wink wink nudge nudge. It is noted that he rarely visited these clubs when they started using four-armed banshees. He gained a taste for fairies at this time and is often seen with fairies in bottles that scream for help.
In the year... uh... I don't quite know, whatever year it was, Link tricked some fish into marrying him and stole her engagement stone, and told her that if he ever saw her again he'd cock slap her with a lawsuit. He took the three gems he'd acquired to go buy Princess Zelda some Triforce, only for Ganondorf to beat him to it. Then he went into a coma for seven years, whilst some [old perverted guy pierced Link's ears, stripped him naked and played dress up. We're sure that he molested Link too, but the old fart wouldn't admit it, who was there when Link came out of his coma, and convinced him to steal more shit.
“I said "Well you're finally awake, I was just gonna get some more lubricant for my grandmum."”
After this Link went on to perform many more acts of evil; this would soon become known as Link's several criminal charges. He became involved at the Lon Lon Ranch, where he would falsely sell his own semen, claiming that it was actually a dairy product. I mean cum on, that doesn't even come out of a nipple. Also, during this, he would use the cooling system to smuggle various items, illegal drugs, legal drugs, and over the counter cough syrup.
In order to get onto palace grounds more easily he would often bribe the incompetent guards, giving them ruppees in order to let him have easy access at the princess. After satisfying the princess at her home, he would perform in the streets. At this time he would also host dog fights. Upon returning to the Kokiri forest he realized that not much had changed. So he decided that it would be fun to start it on fire. Seeing what he had done he wondered what the reaction of the Kokiri would be. All they would do was ignore him. He was then charged with violation of private life and warning of blackmailing. Then it was posted in the Hyrule Gayzette that he was a terrible criminal and he began breaking and entering peoples homes. After assaulting the People in their own homes he would then proceed by breaking and leaving the home. After this he went back to Lon Lon Ranch to try and win the Horse Epona. He won easily but only because he had givin the Horse Several Low Grade Steroids and made it run by beating it, and beating, and showing it where to put the 'ruppee', and beating himself, and beating the horse, and beating the wemen's; thus leading to his Cruelty to animals charge.
After crushing his annoying ass fairy, Navi, he began to miss her and started to develop the symptoms of S.P.S. or split personality syndrome. He had several personalities; the most popular of them were the friendly docile personalities of the monsters that he would brutally kill. Around others he was known to repeat himself. Around others he was known to repeat himself. Himself. Mainly after crushing his annoying ass fairy, repeating himself. Crushing his ass fairy, himself.
When he again went back to visit his old wife Ruto he was charged with leaving his fish wife and kids without paying Deadbeat Dad money. During the arrest he put up a great struggle and was recorded saying...
“I was 8 at the time, how the hell could I be a father of 532?!!”
After visiting the local Woodman's, Link stole fishing rods, shovels, a time machine, and bombs. This led to a crime spree taking place in the Lake Hylia Fishing Hole, Kakariko village and the Kakariko cemetery, where he blew up the well, dug up ancestors remains, vandalized gravestones, and then went to the fishing hole to use illegal lures just for the hell of it. He used the time machine to get away but found himself still being hunted by the Hylian Guards. When finally caught, the guard in charge of writing the citation had a wrist cramp and instead charged him only with being a pain in the ass. If he were to be charged fully, the accounts would include: "Blowing things up without a permit", "Fishing without a permit", "Digging without a permit", "Stealing a time machine and messing with the space time continuum without a permit", "Jerking off a Moron without a permit"
While in the Hyrule jail, Link became depressed and used drugs as a crutch. He was known to hide them inside clay pots, the only problem being that every single pot in the entire kingdom looked exactly the same, leading to the charges of Not paying for the pot-one of many he broke and not paying for the pot- one of many he smoked. He was known to leave his pipe and pot shards where they lay also leading to littering charges. While on palace grounds the King would often see Zelda and Link "playing" in the courtyard, and would be charged by the King with Trespassing on the palace grounds and indecent exposure.
Whereabouts And How To Deal With Him[edit | edit source]
If you see this man, call the local guards, and hide in your house with the door barred. Of course it doesn't matter because there's a key anyways. In this case it may be useful to break up said key for your two-inch-thick doors, perhaps giving it to a monster of sorts to guard. Under no circumstances should you leave an item capable of defeating your monster lying in the same dungeon. The next precaution is to plug all holes that Link can shrink into with his Minish Cap. Seal all the windows with airtight, bulletproof lucite. Finally, remove any mounted painted wooden targets on your walls, as well as any ivy and ladders. If you possess a one-time use secret passage, for God's sake, use it before he does! Take any wooden treasure chests off your roof, instead use steel treasure chests, as Link has been known to be able to grapple onto those as well. Just in case he gets to it, fill the chests with liquid nitrogen spray that freezes anything into ice upon contact. Feel free to substitute a powder keg or angry Goron. If all else fails throw a Cucco at the boy. Cuccos are said to be Link's only weakness, aside from fairy porn, for he is known to be tempted into torturing these poor little creatures until they go batfuck crazy flying everywhere pecking Link to death. The most frightening aspect of Link is his ability to teleport and instantly kill anyone within a 10 foot radius. For more information on this see his insatiable appetite for needless destruction.
Reward! He was last seen heading towards Mexico and was wildly raving something about the "twilight". (Even though this report supposedly happened at dawn.) Any information leading to the capture of this dangerous criminal will be rewarded with a thousand spankings of love or a thousand worthless crystals.
“That little bastard snuck into my house and raped my chickens, stole my money, smashed all my belongings, and killed my grandma! As he ran he was screaming, "That boss was a bitch!"”
At no time whatsoever should you let Link Z-Target you. If you do, every projectile will hit you, or be thrown in your general vicinity. You can prevent this by... hell, you can't prevent it. Unless he's using the generic Fairy Z-Target, in which you can just crush the fairy in your hand, which will be easy, since all it does is fly around you in needless circles. However, Link may also try to L-Target you, which is in no way related to Z-Targeting and is much more deadly, as a pointy arrow is situated above your head and might poke you. However, for no reason whatsoever, it is just as simple to prevent as Z-Targeting. You know when you have been Z-Targeted(or L-Targeted):
- If an extremely annoying fairy is flying around you.
- If there is a spinning arrow above your little head. Stabbing you.
- If you have an arrow protruding from your chest.
- If your useless items, such as "Worthless Crystals" or your still-beating heart, are missing.
- If a grappling hook has stolen random items off of your person.
- If a grappling hook has smacked you clean in the face (HA HA YO FACE).
- If Link follows your movements with pinpoint precision.
- If the view around you suddenly goes wide-screen.
- If you wake up with no clue where you are, wondering why your fat ass is so fucking god-damned sore.
- If you hear a warning sound effect.
- If you get a sense of impending doom.
- If the Legend of Zelda theme song starts playing.
- If Link starts to do lots of gymnastics around you.
- If Link starts to encircle you and you have no fucking clue why.
- If you see the word ATTACK flash on the bottom of the so-called game screen
- If time freezes and Link's fairy gives a short description on how to kill you.
- If you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel.
- If Navi is bopping you on the head continuously.
- If you have an arrow lodged in your brain and/or spinal cord.
- If you are playing ping-pong with Link
- If the music changed to a slightly more threatening tone.
- If you're being repeatedly tapped with a stylus.
- If a suit of armour with a huge-ass sword is walking toward you along a yellow line.
Surgery[edit | edit source]
Sometime later, Link got tired of his appearance and went to see Zant to give him a new "face". But Zant was upset about what he did to Michael Jackson, so he made him a wolf. It is also known that Zant helped him to become Liz, that strange Deku thing, the Moron thing, the Fish thing, Fairy thing, thing aling, etc etc. It is unknown exactly why he did this. What is known was that Zelda was pleased.
“Hmm...I feel different...WAIT! Is that BBQ?!”
After a few days of whining and keeping the neighbors up all night, he met an escapee from a nearby mental house named MIDNA. He took advantage of his new form to have some fun with her and that one girl wolf, and Zelda. And that chick Sariah. And Bambi's mom. You don't honestly think she died did you? (and if she did its not like it would have stoped him). He was always attracted to the way that the weird blue red stuff came out of MIDNA's crown anyways. After that the pillow talk consisted of MIDNA telling him that she was a member of the Twili corporation, she also accidentally told him that it was a fictional corporation consisting only of her. She self appointed herself VP of her mentally created corporation. Her rule was short lived when Zant (her alter ego?) turned her into an unattractive imp, which can be best described as a younger sister. While in the "torture" chamber she decided that it would be fun to escape and took a strange helmet thingy and dropped it breaking into exactly 4 pieces and decided to leave 3 behind for the fun of it. She used Link, and again he was easily swindled into stealing ancient artifacts for this so called Fused Shadow helmet.
After smoking a joint Link was easily captured by Zant's "Beasts" who taunted him with donuts and fairy porn, his olny weakness besides those damned cuccos. She decided to turn him into a wolf because her helmet was to tight, thinking that it would be the best form for him to easily escape from a prison. She shoves herself into his anal cavity inorder to protect herself, and would use his powers and abilities to benefit her. She promised to remove herself upon the completion of their mission.
“Link is such a tool.”
Link also became disfigured in several other ways, this description of what happened to him is considered vulgar and has even made the hair on Micheal Jackson's head curl. For your discrepancy this is what happened to him.
Damn Wimmin[edit | edit source]
Link has been involved, on and off, and on again, in relationships with several girls including: Zelda, that fucked up Sariah girl, the Ranch Girl, the Zora gold digging Girl, the old Wind Fish Lady, a goron, several octorocks (all named Steve) and Drew Barrymore. This was the lesser known "The Legend of Zelda: the Quest of the 77 Bitches" game for the SEXBOX. In the intro, Zelda is giving Link the reverse cowgirl when Link decides he's had enough of her old twat and skips out on her flappy ass. He high tails it over to the local brothel, but after he is done getting it on with all the girls he realizes that bitch Zelda janxed his rupee satchel. The angry sluts cast a spell on Zelda, tightening her twat more than a virgin's; one of the side effects, unfortunately, turned her to stone, so Link won't get any until he obtains the 77 magic crystal shards scattered about the earth. The shards were created when he tried to add a small bagel to the mustard stack. Coincidentally, each one is held by a nymphomaniac/schizophrenic boss character.
The Ranch Girl promised Link several "gifts" if he posed in pictures with her horse, Brandi. Unfortunately, the horse turned out to be a "Randy", and Link ended up posing on all fours with a huge hole torn in the bottom of his tunic. On the plus side, Link found the first crystal shard in the stable, allowing him to access the courage to take what the beast had to give. Which was a lot. Believe me.
In order to obtain the second crystal shard majiger, Link had to go through an entire sub-quest involving several strap-ons and many, many watch batteries until he finally met up with the King Goron. The King said he would give Link the crystal shard if he could pleasure all of his daughters to climax at the exact same time. Link failed, having reached his own climax far before even the first of 3 goron-wimmin were satisfied. The only alternative was to have the GREAT GORON'S monstrous, raging cock in his ass for 35 seconds without crying. Needless to say, Link obtained that second crystal.
After Link had gotten the third crystal or whatever, Ruto, the princess of the Zoras claimed that since she had given him the crystal, Link had to marry her. Again, of course once wasn't enough. In a long, drawn out ceremony, paid for in rupees out of Link's own sack, Link and Ruto were made one. Link stayed in the Village of the Creepy Fish People long enough to get his rocks off with the Princess Fish (hey, heroing can be hard work!), and then he split.
“That bastard left me so many times I'm never marrying him again, unless he wants another quest item.”
Seven years later, Link came back with all of the papers, signed by his faithful lawyer, the guy who sold him the shield in the town he grew up in, to get a divorce. Unfortunately, Ruto already had 3 elf-thing/fish-thing hybrid children (not triplets), and immediately demanded child-support for the last seven years. In the end he ended up "lying" about being gay is an easy way to get out of marriage proposals etc etc, unless of course if you are then it sucks. No pun intended.
“And then he said nothing. No "Goodbye, Ruto!" or anything. He just ran off there with the sapphire. I think he was into that Zelda bitch all along. My heart was broken. ”
That sounds crazy!
After killing Ganondorf, Zelda got pissed off at Link for not delivering the goods, if you know what I mean. She had him arrested, where he was tried for an assortment of crimes, including the sale of drugs without a permit, entering people's houses without their permission, having sexual intercourse with chick(en)s, regicide and cruelty to animals. The count of cruelty to animals was lessoned to lewd misconduct with animals, on the condition he pleaded guilty to several million accounts of murder.
In the end Link was found guilty of all charges and spent two months in jail for copping out on the child-support claims by the Princess Fish, claiming that it was impossible for her to have three differently aged children from his man-juice, because he'd only done it with her once. Unfortunately, the judge was in fact Princess Ruto, and she ruled in favor of herself, awarding herself $1,000,000 in child support, and $infinity^2 in emotional reparations for Link crushing her "fragile heart" when he left her. Link was busted out of jail by his new girlfriend, Malon, but not until after he promised her he would film equestrian porn with that damned beast of hers. Again. Why he did this is unknown because he can bust out of any jail pretty easily because of secret passages. Why the hell is their always a secret passage.
“When I realized that he was missing I searched the secret passage in his cell!”
On a separate occasion, Link was spotted in Hyrule Town Square, with the occasional dog following behind him. As the dog numbers dwindled, townsfolk became suspicious. Further investigation by Hyrule guards found Link to be the ring-leader of Hyrule's most profitable dog-fighting club. Men from all over town would come to witness the fights and satisfy their sexual needs on the loser. Link was heavily fined, sent to the brig, and was revoked from his position as quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons. Of course they didn't miss him.
Link versus the invaders from outer space[edit | edit source]
In A.D. 2005, October the 1st to be precise, war was beginning.
However it did NOT take place in outer space, but instead, in a small village in the middle of nowhere.
A strange spaceship emerged from a nearby wormhole, and after only a few seconds, a worst-case scenario took place. Link was being ass raped by many strange animals.
“That little fucker didn't even run! How is that rape??”
However we are getting ahead of ourselves, prior to this the first human being the assumingly friendly species encountered was Link, however they soon realized that he was an extreme threat to the in entire system of the world. Link was soon found with speared alien heads on his sword and had already began to jar their brains for use on toast. His only excuse for using the sword was because the aliens technology consisting of a crappy double-lasers frightened the shit out of him.
Immediately they started shooting, but could do nothing against Link's all-powerful wooden shield. Seriously the best weapon in the game only comparable to the best defense in the game the kokiri sword. Link than began to brutally ass rape all of the inhabitants of the hyrule kingdom.
After a few approaches to negotiate a peace treaty with the warmonger, the alien visitors realized they had no chance to survive and were about to make their time, when Link without any further provocation (except constantly being shot at with crappy green dual lasers)
unexpectedly revealed a portable weapon of ultimate mass destructio] - a wooden boomerang!
The alien ship stood no chance. [3][4]
Their shields could withstand temperatures up to 9000°, but not a boomerang-inducted cold "plosion".
(Neither implosion, nor explosion - causing the destabilization of the molecular structure of that particular object and the
ENTIRE space-time-continuum. Why we still live, is currently unknown. But it might explain why the loading times on Sonic'06 seem so long. )
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!!! A FUCKING BOOOOOOOOOMAAAARANGGGGGGGG!”
Soon after Link used his most deadly weapon, more ships turned up, first seven, then around 40 or so.
Then they also started showing up in different parts of the country.
They would pester him telling him that he wasn't an Admin, and tryed to piss him off enough to see the extent of his powers. Link simply ignored them, and they were gone the next time he started the game without a cheat device. This, however still had real life effects in Roswell, New Mexico.
Link told the "Government" that he wanted no part in the investigation, but, like always they didn't give a shit. Later, studies (all conducted by Link) showed that the alien visitors came from a far distant solar system, known as LYLAT-256a, now ruled by the brain of a giant evil floating monkey scientist, called "Andross". This however is another of Links several millions of spin off stories.
In case you were wondering. The war mentioned earlier in this section ("In A.D. 2005 [...] war was beginning[...]") is now known as The Lylat War.
Hobbies[edit | edit source]
As a young lad, Link liked to grab Cucco's by their legs and use them as hang-gliders. He would soar over people's heads and into their backyards where he would proceed to mutilate their prized bushes, searching for ruppees. When he wasn't using Cucco's as flying contraptions he had was hitting them with his mighty weapon the Kokire Sword. It has also been claimed that Link likes to engage in "Hot zombie orgies." [5].
Link has a tendency to crossdress at various times, since he pretty much looks like a school girl anyways. While crossdressed, he'll adopt a female personality, named Liz, this name was given to him by Zelda. Liz was created when Zelda became bored with Links child like penis, and wanted something new. To help with this Link went on a quest to learn the ability to suck his penis inside his body. This version, however never reached stateside. After the quest Liz could be found flying with chickens and going to bars where (s)he is paid as a stripper while fighting.
Link also enjoys killing and collecting rare, endangered spiders. He is an avid member of the Kakariko Village Arachnophiliac Club, where the members spend hours trading collected spiders amongst themselves. Occasionally a member will trade a spider for other items of value such as a vibrator. The only such way to get the actual spider is to shoot it with a wooden slingshot. This may explain why their is a possibility of extinction.
Often after a long day of murdering Link will light up, and smoke a fat chick; this is one of his other hobbies aside from the obvious one of murder and obliterating intire villages. Then to get his rocks off Link drinks "Lon Lon Milk" which is 2% milk laced with LSD and Link's semen. This milk is provided by his bitch, Malon, a notorious Hyrule drug dealer who hides it by placing it in her milk cooling system the "Lon Lon Milk" was created when Link accidentally cut open a bag and got it in his pants and in the milk. The only person to ever be affected with the 'High' effects were Link and when stoned, Link often has delusions that he is traveling through time. He is often quite harmless at these times, simply playing his ocarina and "tripping out to the music, bro." However, at other times he becomes violent, incoherent, and angry. In one famous incident, Link murdered more than 70 palace guards because they were, in his words, "Not treating him with the respect due to a true pimp." When Link drinks the "Lon Lon Milk" he gains the ability to speak. At times Link will drink "Lon Lon Milk" at important team meetings so he doesn't have to do sharades just to get his point across. Usually these meetings end with one or all the members dead. Including Link. He is the only one to have the "Save&Quit/Continue" option.
Death[edit | edit source]
Sometime after Link's intergalactic tour with gangster rap supergroup Cradle of Filth, Link was killed by a horde of angry chickens that he repeatedly poked at Lon Lon Ranch[6]. No one was able to get near him, partially because the ferocity of the chickens and partially because the next moment, the words YOU FAIL appeared on the screen. The greatest Mystery remained unsolved; "Did Link ever have to piss?". Then, the game reset and Link re-appeared, humping away at some random girl that might have been Malon, Zelda or Sarah Palin or someone else entirely. Possibly Big Goron. They all look pretty much the same to Link. But then, how did he die if he came back doing somebody? One of life's pesky mysteries that, when solved, causes your head to implode.
Marijuana's Mask[edit | edit source]
While in hell, Link met Zero, the dude who always comes back to life in the MegaMan series. Link befriended Zero and he revealed his almighty secrets after a night of looking up the devil girls' panties. And so Link returned, forever to plague the Earth or wherever the hell he lives.
He also discovered he was a boy again and decided to take a walk in the forest with his horse, In search of someone to Victimise. But he was tired and fell asleep, while he slept, a Skull Kid, wearing a mask that was called the Marijuana mask as it gave the wearer the ability to be constantly high, stole his horse, sex toy and rode off with his two fairy friends.(He has 2 fairies as he is a greedy bastard.) The Skull Kid at the time was acting as an agent of the Termina Animal Welfare Society who came to seize Link's horse after rumors that the animal had been abused and neglected by Link, sometimes apparently left stranded in the middle of the countryside after Link was done riding, with no food or water, left to die.
When Link woke he took chase and followed the Skull Kid down a rabbi thole, and ended up in Eluryh, the complete opposite of Hyrule. The Kid was pretty pissed off with him for kidnapping one of his fairies, and turned Link into a Pipe smoking Dick-u Nut.
Dick-u Link soon released that this world was ending in 72 hours and that the following events would be in real time. The world was going to be destroyed by a Happy smiling moon that was so happy that it was hurtling towards Eluryh.
After beating up the local youths for their racist slurs against Dick-us, Link at the last moment scaled the cock tower of Cock Town and confronted the Skull Kid. It had turned out that the Skull Kid had overdosed on Marijuana and the mask had ditched him so he could go and rape the smiling moon.
Link then decided to use his sex toy to go back to the start of the day and try again. He continued to go back in time and live the day over again, and the result was a lot like that movie "Groundhog day" except without Bill Murray. He eventually encountered his previous employer the mask salesman, who turned him back into an elf and ordered him to steal masks from everyone, even if it means turning their souls into masks.
This ingenious idea made Link smile, and he went about stealing all the masks, even killing a Goron for his ability to become a giant ball. Next he travled to the nude beach at the Great Bay where he met a cult of musical nudist hippies called the Zoras. They explained to him that they had no time for the inconveniences of clothing in there buisy lives of skinny dipping, underwater oragies, and playing with each others "instruments" on stage. Link then realized that a sexy zora body with gills, hot abs, and hidden genitals would be the perfect desguise for him to live out all of his wild fantasies of running around town naked, killing and raping the gerudoo guards, streaking through the fields and swamps, sleeping with the fishes(wink wink nudge nudge), and suprise pop-up sex. So he found the most emo Zora, Miku, turned whatever was left of his soul into a mask, and fulfilled his wildest and most perverted dreams. He left no Zora unlaid, and no bodypart unexposed untill he was forced by the ESRB to retain his green Kokori skirt in exchange for steroids.
Bored with this, Link decided to stop the moon by calling upon 4 giant perverts to scare the moon away. Marijuana Mask was pissed and engaged Link in a final battle. Link used his steroids to make him grow into adult form again and he soon killed and mutilated the mask.
Substance Abuse[edit | edit source]
Unable to cope with post-traumatic stress following the events in which Link saved all of Hyrule from Ganondorf (played by a young William H. Macy [no, really!]), events transpired that led Link to experiment with various and sundry drugs. The general result of this was his occupying a single room apartment in Kakariko Village and being absolutely blitzed for every hour of every single day.
A large reward in rupees and his savings, as well as the enabling actions of numerous female friends, allowed him to maintain this unfortunate state for a good many years. Authorities in Hyrule have a large file on Link filled mostly with arrests where he was caught naked and urinating in the cemetery outside of the Temple of Time.
These records are filled with wild claims where Link is on record as stating “I am the Wind-Waker!”, “There are too many goddamned masks, man! They want me to wear all of them, but I just can’t! And this fucking owl won’t leave me alone! What the FFUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME? HOW DOES THE BANK KEEP ALL OF MY RUPEES! SKULL KID! SKUUULLL KIDD!” and “That’s one fucking hot whale, man. This island is damn trippy.” These claims were generally punctuated by “Millenium Hand and Shrimp.” Psychologists analyzing these bizarre records continue to be puzzled by this one.
Authorities at the time, however, failed to arrest Link on any occasion due to his celebrity status and orders from the King.
Eventually, Link recovered enough to pull off what is commonly referred to as ‘That fuckin’ Twilight Princess thing’ and continued on the road to recovery. He attributed this to his finding scientology.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- As you all know, Link has multiple hearts.
- It is written, only Link can defeat Ganon.
- Link is from the planet SR388, and traveled to Hyrule in his TARDIS, which is disguised as a horse named Epona.
- Link's many hearts are in fact his only internal organs, hence he never has to eat or pee.
- Link once had a threesome with Zelda and Midna. It was then interupted by Ganon kidnapping Zelda (again), but that didn't stop link from continuing with Minda. That is how F*cked up Tingle was made.
- Link was the winning bidder of the auction for the only set of bottomless pockets ever stitched. However, the auction was fixed and this rapidly led to mayhem and lawlessness across the land of Hyrule for 10 years. This dark era can be relived in The Legend of Zelda: Project Tropicana.
- Link is left handed. This has earned him the nickname "hefty lefty with the cleft-y" among fans. However, he once tried being ambidextrous, but got bored of it. Rumor has it a similar thing happened with being smart.
- In one of the most heavily aired TV specials of all time, Link participated in a two hour long debate with Half Life alumnus Gordon Freeman, defending video game characters' rights to silence. The debate was considered inconclusive and was withheld indefinitely since neither side could speak.
- Link only fears three things. The Great Fairy, evil gym teachers, and Gossip Stones. Fearing something like the Great Fairy is perfectly understandable, but Link never learned to trust Gossip Stones, as they are bouncy rocks, and they remind him of his childhood. For what reason, no-one knows. Evil gym teachers are known to cause world wars, a thing Link always wanted to do but never did it.
- Link is actually the son of God because Jesus was just a drunk, and never had a triforce. (Crazed fan: but in the zelda universe isn't there three godesses, not one single God?) *pulls out AK47* stupid zelda fanboy! * kills fanboy*
- Link's favorite food is fairies[7].
- Link cannot hurt innocents. Even if he tries to. It frustrates him mightily.
- Link stores his items inside his anus. His bombs, money, masks, sex toys, etc are all tucked safely inside after he acquires them. Only with the help of fairies can he expand the rift and eventually he will be able to carry infinite items. Including all the members of Slipknot and that one bitch MIDNA. And Kirby.
- Constant attacks from monsters/chickens/fangirls/Oprah has left Link's balls heavily damaged, rendering him effectively sterile. This explains why he is such a pimp, and he hasn't gotten anyone (human at least)pregnant yet. It may also explain why he is a young adult, yet he has no chest and/or facial hair. As such, he would make the perfect Disney Channel star.
- Link has magical hair. It randomly changes color against his will. Examples are but are not limited to: dark brown, brown, sepia, copper, pink, yellow, blond, dark blond, cyan, black, magenta, and white. He has even known to go bald at times, usually when he takes too many steroids at once. This is one of the reasons why Link always looks pissed off.
- The Missing Link is another name for Link. The name only applies to him whenever he ventures into the Lost Woods.
- Link is a celebrity - he is all over the internets.
- Link frequents visits the gerudo fortress where he shoots at the female guards and gets himself thrown in the dungeon. This fulfills his sick fantasies.
- Link uses staples to keep his hat on his head.
- Link is, in fact, not gay! Who knew?
- The above is intended as a joke. Link's known gay lovers include the following celebrities: popcorn mogul Orville Redenbacher; Captain Falcon from F-Zero; Lance Bass; the entire cast of "The Waltons"; Beaver of "Leave it to Beaver"; (bet you didn't see this one coming) himself; and himself as a cartoon child (it was this interdimensional application of time travel that inspired the new artistic film genre known as Hentai, as well as the olympic sporting events known as Pedophilia and Masturbation).
- Link finds it hard to masturbate, as for him It Burrrnnnsss!
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Scott Ramsoomair. The Roof. VGCats. Retrieved on 2007-08-18.
- ↑ Oh my gosh! An actual, real quote from the real videogame?
- ↑ re-enactment of the alien invasion
- ↑ May be helpful in case you want to 're-enact' the alien invasion by yourself
- ↑ Scott Ramsoomair. Dead and Loving It. VGCats. Retrieved on 2007-08-18.
- ↑ Scott Ramsoomair (2003). Cucco Puffs. VG Cats. Retrieved on 2007-08-31.
- ↑ Scott Ramsoomair. Ozzy. VGCats. Retrieved on 2007-08-18.
[edit | edit source]
- Link Daveson
- Link McLaughlin
- Link N. Park
- Link Peters
- Chris Houilihan
- Link sausage
- Link Weber
- Linkoln
- Linkin Park
- The Missing Link
- Links
Related Links[edit | edit source]
- Red Link
- Blue Link
- Purple Link
- Blue Toon Link
- The Master Sword
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
- Link is a Tree
- A UTP: Link Gets Pregnant and Dies
| Games: |
The Legend of Zelda - Link's Arousal - Ocarina of Time - Majora's Mask - The Wind Waker - The Midget's Crap - Twilight Princess - Phantom Hourglass - Spirit Tracks - The Wand of Gamelon |
| Characters: | Link - Princess Zelda - Ganondorf - King Harkinian - Tingle - Morshu - That Old Man from The Legend of Zelda - Lord Jabu-Jabu |
| Somethings: | Hyrule - Link is a Tree - The Legend of Zelda Link theory - Rupees - Unquotable:Link |
Reward! He was last seen heading towards Mexico and was wildly raving something about the "twilight". (Even though this report supposedly happened at dawn.) Any information leading to the capture of this dangerous criminal will be rewarded with a thousand spankings of love or a thousand worthless crystals.