Massachusetts
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| Motto | Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, unless you're a Kennedy. | |
| Official language | Anything you want to speak, and you have the right to a free translator, and ballots and welfare forms printed in it. | |
| Capital | Boston Garden | |
| Politburo chairman | Deval Patrick | |
| National holidays | Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Patriots Day (Celtics Day, in Southie), and Evacuation Day (celebrated as Vomit Day near the Fenway) | |
| International heroes | The Guvnah, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, Noam Chomsky, Tamerlan Tsarnaev | |
| Major industries | Staging automobile accidents and feigning back pain | |
| Exports | Cranberries, roast beef, gay people, and Republicans | |
The Commonwealth of Assachusetts is a place in the northeastern United States where nothing is straight, especially the roads. It is the only Autonomous Federated Soviet Republic that survived the collapse of the U.S.S.R.
Massachusetts is populated primarily by Massholes, who are also the worst drivers ever. They get drunk, drive recklessly, weave among traffic at 25 over the speed limit, and throw litter out the window of their car, which has a busted tail light, confident that their fate will be benign based on the sticker on the rear window that says, "State Troopers are our Best Protection."
Communist Hippies thrive in cities such as Northampton and in major colleges like U.Mass. Most of them wear sandals even in winter. Colleges in Boston also house tons of rich kids spending their parents' money with impunity, while learning how to overthrow the system under which the money was made.
Regions
Assachusetts shares borders with New Hampshire, Vermont, New York, Connectthedots, Rhode Island, and regions of South Boston that are actually part of the Confederacy.
Boston
Boston is the fashionable state capital. The biggest industry is urban Master Plan writers. These moonbats sit around and figure out how the workers should live, only the last worker moved out in 1961. Boston contains a vacation home of Osama bin Laden, and a Samuel Adams brewery where tourists can watch the beer being made (except for the 99% of production done under contract in Milwaukee).
- "Don't Snitch" Nation
The entire neighborhoods of Dorchester and Roxbury consist of producers of and consumers of theories that the unshakable poverty, the high crime rate, the potholes, and the day's bad weather, are a conspiracy of all the white people. Fortunately, the residents achieve revenge by unanimously refusing to talk to policemen of any color.
In the mirror is South Boston, the only place outside the Confederacy where white people think other races impacted their standard of living. They do talk to cops, notably whenever they see a black man driving down their street.
- Metropolitan Boston
Several suburbs of Boston, such as Cambridge and Arlington, are referred to as People's Republics in their own right. A typical suburban resident has a career as an activist, asserting that war is the result of the military-testosterone complex, while her husband the State Senator is in the city asking women on park benches about their intimate shaving habits.
- El Valle
Lowell, Lawrence, and Haverhill are ground zero of the state's cultural surrender. Politicians would not even speak English as many would find that insulting. Instead, they merely smile and wave. The heavy industry here in the Merrimack River valley was, until recently, whiplash claims in staged motor-vehicle accidents involving payoffs to physicians. Cracking this ring left the region with no industry.
- Brockton
Brockton is the same except in Portuguese instead of Spanish. If you drive Route 24, you can imagine you are in the old country, with nowhere to go and not a minute to spare. (The weekends provided a pause from the frenetic driving until the Ikea opened.)
- Wistah
Wistah (which is spelled Worcester) is sort of the edge of the wild. It has minor-league sports and a thriving but scary taverns district.
Westah Wistah
The area Westah Wistah is where all the rats live. Nowhere else in the U.S. will you see more liquor stores, adult video shops, or abandoned buildings. The small towns are creatively named, such as Ware (where?), Orange, Peru (no, not the country), Wales (no, not the country), and Florida (no, not the state).
- Springfield
The largest city Westah Wistah, Springfield, is not the state capital, except in Illinois. It could be a National Historic Site for urban renewal, a Great Society program that was better at demolishing old housing than building replacement housing, except that downtown Springfield imploded with nearly no help from outside.
- Holyoke
Holyoke was once merely the world's capital for highschool notepad and paper plate making, but is now a holiday haven for wealthy and glamorous crack and heroin dealers from Puerto Rico. In fact, the annual international drug lord convention is held in Holyoke nightly in the alley behind City Hall near the corners of Dwight and Maple.
From the late 1970s through the mid-1980s, Holyoke was the arson capital of the United States, called by its residents "Holy Smoke." It lost the title when citizens, rats, and roaches awoke one morning and found nothing left to burn. The mayor recently touted his goal of rebuilding the city to regain the title, coining the slogan, "Let's build a city we'll be proud to torch."
- Happy Valley
The upper river valley is home to Amherst, where U.Mass. is the research-and-development center for new left-wing theories. In the extreme left of the state are the cities of North Adams and Pittsfield. Their populations are evenly divided by state retirees drawing government pensions, and able-bodied, middle-aged men who should still be state employees but went on Permanent Disability one summer after a bad sunburn or maybe a paper cut. The fact that a large majority of regional income is in the form of checks that read, "Commonwealth of Massachusetts" is balanced by the fact that they pay high taxes to support metro-Boston roadways they will never use.
A massive electric fence is being constructed along the New York border to exclude people wearing Yankees apparel.
Cape and Islands
Cape Cod is a sandy and left-wing part of Massachusetts. Until his death in 2009, Ted Kennedy was the Big Man on Campus. He held court at the Compound in Hyannis and gave co-eds guided tours of the islands and their rickety bridges.
- Provincetown
Provincetown is at the tip of Cape Cod. If you have just flown into Boston and are shocked at how left-wing and gay it is, experts recommend that you take two weeks to get used to Boston before going to Provincetown, which will give you the same reaction. If there were direct flights into Provincetown, people's heads would explode.
Politics
Massachusetts has been called a "cradle of liberty" but there were hints from the beginning that THE FIX WAS IN. Its first innovation in jurisprudence, the witch trials, involved a trial of fact involving dunking the accused's weighted body, in which a finding of not guilty was also a finding of dead. The guilty were then killed. "Catch-22."
Its first innovation in representation was the gerrymander, a salamander-shaped representative district named for Gov. Elbridge Gerry (and not for the positions in which Rep. Gerry Studds liked to splay teenage boys' naked bodies). Current politicians bemoan the way businesses "cherry-pick" customers away from government options such as schools, but they are still fond of cherry-picking voters.
State
“Three rules in the State House: Nothing is on the level; everything is a deal; no deal too small.”
About 87% of each house of the legislature belongs to the Democrats. State Republicans, which in the 1980s had a campaign called SAVE (Sustain A VEto), now merely hope to win sufficient new seats to be able to beg the majority for a roll-call vote.
Nevertheless, the state has elected a series of Republican Governors--nearly all of whom quit in the middle of their term. Let's see...Weld moved to New York, achieved renown as a lounge lizard, and wrote a spy novel; Cellucci escaped on an ambassadorship; and Swift, whose total contribution to state government consists of having been pregnant when she was elected, retired due to illness--the voters got sick of her. Mitt Romney finished a term but abruptly announced that he had achieved everything he set out to do--except a long list of stuff that was impossible anyway--and that he was now ready to be President. He briefly tried to convince Republican primary voters he was a conservative, but all the evidence was on that "impossible" list.
In 2006, an extremist faction of the Democratic party called the "Deval Patrick Campaign" started the November Revolution of 2006. On November 7, 2006, its candidate (aptly named Deval Patrick) won the election and became Governor. Patrick has been called "the Barack Obama Beta-test" as he is at least as Negro as the President, and was propelled toward election by similar crowds chanting, "Yes, we can!" under the guidance of the same Chicago consultants. In retrospect, this meant yes, we can buy a pimp car, put hacks and neighbors on the state payroll, and jack up the sales tax. The "doughy" politician has achieved numerous reforms, designed by taking scissors and glue to an organization chart and thus replacing entire, unresponsive bureaucracies with new, unresponsive bureaucracies of the same size. Having the state stage-manage the construction of three casinos was to be the hallmark of his term, but he too has a book deal and was in New York during key legislative votes.
Patrick is a supporter of gay marriage, inter-racial marriage, inter-species and inter-planetary marriage, affirmative action, and slavery reparations. Once Patrick had taken full control of the government, he made the official language Spanish, made it a crime to be white, and made Islam the official religion.
Initiative, referendum, and sabotage
Most Third-World constitutions are based on the one in Massachusetts, giving the state ultimate power. But the Massachusetts constitution gives citizens several powers by petition. Voters can pass laws, and put entire industries involving animals out of business, at which point, the legislature has to decide how best to thwart the will of the voters:
- Repealing a voter-passed law is the most inelegant and "inexpedient" way to do it.
- You can clutter the ballot with a Legislative Alternative at odds with the petition, resulting in a confusing three-way vote.
- You can pass it onto the ballot phrased so that No means Yes. This will turn 75% of Massachusetts voters into coin flips.
- If it's about something important, like gay marriage, the Governor can simply invite the legislature to ignore the petition.
In 2008, voters even considered a repeal of the state income tax, when a "temporary" surtax continued in effect 20 years later. The vote fell short, amid threats that other taxes would increase and services would be cut drastically, which then occurred anyway. The last political success of the Republican Party was to slightly reduce the surtax, adding a zinger that taxpayers could check a box and pay at the old, higher rate. The only effect is the entertaining statistic that 100% of high-tax advocates are hypocrites.
Federal
Typifying the dominance of Massachusetts politics by the Democrat Party is Congressman Barney Frank. He is openly gay.[1] Rep. Frank is sometimes translated for the deaf by professional signers, and is always voiced-over by Elmer Fudd. He grew to national prominence in 2008 when, following a decade of coercing the financial industry to loan to people too poor to repay, they didn't. He championed the response to this "failure of capitalism," as a legislator who has also run a successful gay services enterprise out of his Washington townhouse. Rep. Frank is re-elected by landslides, as the public regards him favorably to predecessor Rep. Studds (his real name!) whose dalliance with a male House page, had it occurred in the district, would have been child rape.
Sports
Politics is the official blood sport of Massachusetts, along with driving to endanger.
Massachusetts is also home to the baseball Boston Red Sox, which has won multiple World Series since the turn of the century. This seems like a joke but it isn't.
Massachusetts also has basketball and football teams that have recently won the national championships in their sports. The basketball Celtics play in the Garden. This is not the Boston Garden, and the rats have been eliminated; the Boston Garden was demolished and the games are held in the new Garden. Its complete name is whatever the current name of a certain bank is. This changes several times a year.
Massachusetts also has a hockey team. Its owner has a Jewish name and chronically keeps the team from winning by refusing to spend money to sign the best players. You have already finished this paragraph in your head.
Transportation
Massachusetts has many forms of mass transportation. These range from the T rail system in Boston to the enduring MassPike.
Trolley
The metropolitan-Boston trolley or "The T" has been moving commuters from their rich suburbs to anti-war protests for a century. The system has rainbow color-coded lines (such as red, green, blue, orange etc.) to make it more gay-friendly.
A highly touted zero-tolerance program against trolley violence was suspended when it apprehended an indefensible number of minority youths. It was replaced by an untouted zero-tolerance program against white passengers.
The Massachusetts Turnpike
In western Massachusetts, where all the hills and creatures are, there are few cars on the road, only the occasional idiot New Yorker driving his dark-blue Suburban back to Albany. The exits are close together compared to other states, until the exit for Pittsfield. Make sure you get off here; otherwise, you'll have to drive 56 miles to the next one (Westfield). Few people have survived this trek. Some have been swallowed by darkness.
East of Wistah, you will suddenly see a massive wave of cars, and the snootiest suburbs anywhere. Be alert because the State Police pull over anyone who does over 25mph. Legally, this is the default speed limit in the state. Signs that say, "End of posted speed limit" don't mean that you are free but that you are unfree. Gotcha!
Toll booths on the Mass Pike are the only thing Gay Staters hate more than Yankee fans. At these booths, you must pay up to $1.50 to a teenager listening to his iPod while talking to the balding 50-year-old in the next booth. Seventy cents of every dollar goes to pay these slugs and their counterparts on Permanent Disability. The tolls were originally imposed in the '60s to pay for the highway and were to be taken down once the bonds were paid off. When that was imminent, the Turnpike Authority suddenly issued Requests for Proposals for important work such as resodding median strips, new coats of paint, and art deco facades for the overpasses. Suddenly, it was necessary to float new bonds. Turnpike tolls now pay for the Big Dig (see below) and Deval Patrick's new pimp car.
Transponders effortlessly identify drivers as they breeze through toll booths. The Turnpike Authority--the same one that promised that the tolls would be temporary--now guarantees the data will never be used to detect speeders (except if you are in a Republican governor's motorcade) and that the monthly bills will never contain errors.
The Big Dig
The Tip O'Neill tunnel honors the late Speaker of the U.S. House. It exemplifies his career of using supposed engineering projects for the actual purpose of buying off political constituencies and guaranteeing permanent employment to a cadre of political appointees. The tunnel was a $2 billion project to take an expressway across Boston and turn it into a tunnel underneath Boston. Only $20 billion later, nothing has changed, except that it is now impossible to further widen the road, and the walls leak. The general contractor in charge of the tunnel (that would be the same company assigned to investigate the collapse of the roof of the tunnel) did not anticipate the amount of water that is seeping through the walls. However, seepage is normal, and besides, it will strengthen the walls when it turns to ice every winter.
A notable side-effect of the construction project was years of explosions, which induced millions of underground rats to seek new habitat on the surface. The fine Italian restaurants of the North End never worked this abundant food supply into the menu, but many do have an entertaining new floor show.
Logan Airport
The airport in East Boston is famous for its relaxed security, snowy runways, and drug trafficking. It is recommended by most successful terrorists as a point of departure for jihadist missions to destroy American landmarks.
Footnotes
- ↑ "Openly gay" is a marvelous bit of rhetoric that implies that the rest of us are gay too, only sneakier.