Forum:I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX

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Discuss my sexual inadequacy here while I go and cry while masturbating. ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF @ 00:52 May 5

Why isn't this is BHOP? * Flumpa 00:55, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

BHOP is for off-topic. This directly relates to the Uncyc community as a whole. ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF @ 01:15 May 5

I won't make excuses: I've never had sex because I'm ugly and a social retard... or is it? Pfeh? --totally anonymous 00:59, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

I think it's more because in your personal ads you say that you want someone willing to be eaten after its over. ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF @ 01:03 May 5

I am also woefully socially inept. You know that guy the girls point at and giggle? Yeah, that's not me. I'll be the one who, when their name is mentioned, everyone goes "who? Oh, that annoying kid who's sarcastic a lot. Right." In conclusion...yeah. - Don Leddy the Crunch (Nyah, see, nyah!) 01:06, May 5

You can always blame your parents, Led. If they hadn't kept me in the attic all those years, just think about how un-socially retarded I could be! Instead, here I am, talking about it with you people.   Le Cejak • <May 05, 2008 [1:11]>

I'm a virgin, but only because whenever I had the opportunity, the girl's parents or grandparents were always in the next room :C * Flumpa 01:15, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

I am, too, but only because the grandparents had to keep an eye on some horney perv. I waited for hours and hours in the bedroom, but they never came in. Pity. From what I hear, old people hump like bunnies. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 05:05, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

Well, I think he didn't count having sex with old people. Everyone's done that.   Le Cejak • <May 05, 2008 [5:20]>

OMG LOL! SysRq, I concede. You have the bigger cajones. (which in light of this thread) may never actually be verified. Mightydandylion (talk) Fk 01:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

Well, to all those involved in the making of this fine, but often disturbingly confessional forum topic, I say this: If you haven't had sex yet, don't expect any from hanging out in Uncyclopedia. Unless... -- §. | WotM | PLS | T | C | A 07:17, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

What about the cool and sexy admins? Surely they must be waist deep in the sweet, sweet tail of their choice! Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 07:47, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

Its worth the wait--— Sir Sycamore (talk) 09:21, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

Sex is similar to masturbation but it feels better, and you don't avoid looking at yourself in mirrors afterwards -- Prof. Olipro KUN (W)Anchor Op Bur. (Harass) 09:59, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

If it's any consolation, I've probably had enough sex to compensate for most of you virgins, so it all evens out really. I'd tell you "you're not missing much", but frankly I'd be lying. -- Sir Codeine K·H·P·B·M·N·C·U·Bu. · (Harangue) 18:59, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

So, your time in prison went well, then? Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 03:15, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

As you get older you lose interest if you are a man once you turn 40. So those 40 year old transhumanist virgins out there who watch too much Star Trek, will stay virgins most likely. :) --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 11:42, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

Failed Pickup Lines

Maybe this is why I haven't gotten laid yet: I'm using the wrong pickup lines. List some here for me, yeah? I'll start. ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF @ 19:28 May 5

• I'm gonna fly my Japs into your Pearl Harbor and blow your mind, baby!

Maybe this one would be better if I didn't try to use it on WWII vets. ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF @ 19:28 May 5

• "Does this look infected to you?" Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 21:13, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
• "Fuck me if I'm wrong but is your name Alice?"--— Sir Sycamore (talk) 21:14, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
• "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" - Don Leddy the Crunch (Nyah, see, nyah!) 21:21, May 5
• "If I told you you've got a hot body, would you hold it against me?" - My hubby uses it very successfully on me. But I'm biased. After all, he did bribe me with diamonds... :P -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk) Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 21:29, 5 May
• "Are you a beavah? 'Cuz, DAYUM!"   Le Cejak • <May 05, 2008 [21:48]>
• "Meh, you're good enough. Wanna have sex?" --THE 22:12, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
• "I would like to copulate vigorously with you tonight. I will then leave you the next day. I won't return your calls, but you can take comfort in knowing that when I'm broke and addicted to some drug, probably cocaine, I'll come crawling back to you hoping that you'll forgive me. However, as a drug addict, you can rest assured that I will then steal the money from your purse and overdose in some dark New York subway. I may or may not make a profound impression on your life, but I do hope you'll extend the courtesy of attending my funeral, as it would most certainly help me rest more peacefully. Do you accept my request?" Unsolicited conversation Extravagant beauty PEEING 22:44, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
• I like sex. Do you like sex? * Flumpa 00:14, 6 May 2008 (UTC)
• So, you try that new "sex" thing everyone's been talking about yet? ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF @ 00:28 May 6
• Oh comon, baby. I brushed my teeth and everything.--<<>> 01:18, 6 May 2008 (UTC)
• I am rubber and you are glue; I wanna have sex with you. Mightydandylion (talk) Fk 01:38, 6 May 2008 (UTC)
• (@ MDL: niice.) Hey baby, do you know karate? Because we could make sex right now. ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF @ 01:41 May 6
• I am a Nigerian sex god, and I wish to share my extreme pleasuring abilities with you. Simply give me $300 USD first! * Flumpa 01:42, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

If you are still a virgin don't worry

Some fundamental Islamic terrorist will get 69 more virgins like you in paradise, when they kill themselves for Allah they get 70 virgins. Don't even have to be female or young either. It is like a free ticket to paradise to be a virgin according to Islam. --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 03:09, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

The entry fee seems awfully high to me. If I'm slightly brusk with a tourist, can I get two virgins? Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 03:18, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

Who do you think I am, Allah? I don't make the rules. Ask a Fundamentalist Imam. :) --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 11:24, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

I always thought Allah sent you to some private luxury resort or some shit. Y'know, I think He owns Sandals. ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF @ 11:43 May 6

Ok, hold on. So you're telling me everyone that dies in childbirth goes straight to heaven, then goes to some disappointed Muslim guy who was expecting Halle Barry?--<<>> 12:00, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

That's her hell, right. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 13:16, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

I've got first call on her anyway......when I make her Halle Mhaille. -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

Remember that bit from Swordfish? That was awesome! Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 14:16, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

Nah if you die at childbirth you go to Limbo. Limbo is where aborted babies and babies that die at childbirth go to. If you die with minor sins you go to purgatory, and then heaven. But Muslims believe in paradise not heaven, and only martyrs go to paradise with 70 virgins. Oh yeah Muslims believe that hell is temporary like 12 years and then you go to paradise. Halle Barry goes to heaven not paradise, Jesus is in heaven, Allah is in paradise, dead babies are in limbo, and all sinners go to hell but get out in 12 years. Buddhists just get reborn, it figures. --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 15:58, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

The Pope got rid of limbo. Apparently, it's not as profitable as it used to be. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 16:18, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

That's ridiculous. All he needed to do to keep profit totals up was rework the Purgatory bureaucracy. Now he's nixed an entire department, which is only gonna scare off the investors. Sheesh, this administration... - Don Leddy the Crunch (Nyah, see, nyah!) 16:37, May 6

Or, he could've sold the limbo section to EA, and let them run it in to the ground. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 16:45, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

Ok instead of dead babies going to Limbo, how about they go to Jamaica instead where Limbo is popular? Then Jamaica can figure out what to do with them. Either that or change their spiritual boarding pass to purgatory or something. --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 01:53, 7 May 2008 (UTC)

Anyways, back on topic...

Sys is a virgin, neener neener neener. -OptyC Sucks! CUN16:35, 6 May

You guys gotta get me laid and then make a movie about it starring Steve Carell. ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF @ 20:37 May 6

I drink your milkshake young man. Someone should make a movie about that. -OptyC Sucks! CUN20:41, 6 May

Evan Almighty? Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 20:43, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

Too bad Evan Almighty was an incredibly gay movie, huh? * Flumpa 01:57, 7 May 2008 (UTC)

How about Tom Cruise instead in that movie as the 44 year virgin? --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 11:16, 7 May 2008 (UTC)