Your future

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for death?

Not the table, child. You will not find answers in the table.

Welcome, welcome, child, to the humble home of Madame LaBazze. I sense that you have come here for my astrological expertise, yes? Good. Come, sit, sit. I shall tell you what you seek to know. It is all here. No, no, child, not in the table. In my crystal ball. Yes, this ball. The one I have sitting on the table. Yes. This ball holds all the answers to the questions of the past, the present, and the future. And, for a small fee, I can read the crystal ball and tell you of your future. I have the divine power to answer any question you may have. First, you must pay the fee. Thank you. Now, relax, and ask me any question you would like to know about your future.

Love Life

Will I ever get married?

Ah, yes, such a question I have heard many a time from people such as you. Love is much sought after in these times. But I digress. Now, I shall look into the crystal ball... Hmmm... Ahhh, yes. It is all coming. I see the answers. Let me read them. I see... I see you, but you appear to be many years older. Age has not been kind to you. You are sitting in a rocking chair, and there appears to be a book in your hand. What is the title? Let me look... You appear to be reading... "How to Be a Playa for Dummies". Well, that explains itself, it does.

Okay... Will I at least be able to have sex with some random stranger?

Hm. Let me look into the crystal ball. Hmmm... It is foggy... Wait... Yes, I see you. You are in a bar. It is quite crowded, too, for there appears to be a party going on. Now, I see you walking up to a young lady... She is quite attractive, too. You are running your hand along her waist, and she puts her arms around your neck. Ah, you are quite the smooth one. You are both now going into a back room. The room appears to be empty, except for a lone bed, king size. The sheets are unkempt and are scattered, and they seem to have some kind of stains on them. You both get into the bed, and you remove your clothes. Gesturing to her to do the same, she undresses, and you are shocked for some reason... Let me look... Ah, it does appear that the she is actually a he. Now he is handcuffing you to the bed. Oh, you are being brutally raped by a gay man. What a cruel mistress, Fate is.

Not big in any sense of the word, I admit.

Is he big, at least?

No. In fact, he appears to be about three inches. Sorry, child.

Dang.

Yes, I know how you feel. My capti-- I MEAN husband isn't very big either.

When will I see my first boobs?

That should not be too hard to find. Let me see... The ball is cloudy... Hold on... Yes, it is becoming clear. You are at a birthday party. It looks like it is being thrown for your cousin's daughter. Yes, there she is. She is a young child, maybe five or six years old. Now you are all sitting at a picnic bench outside. There is a large cake with pink and white frosting being set on the table. Everyone is at the ready with cameras, flashes adjusted for just the right light. Now, just as the girl is about to blow out the candles, she pulls up her dress and emits a high-pitched laugh. You cannot take your eyes off her chest, for some reason.

I was thinking more of... you know, someone my age?

Ah, well, the crystal ball is not picky. Let me see. It is foggy... Wait, it's becoming clear... Wait for it... Ah-- no, sorry, my mistake. It is still cloudy. Hold on, I think I see something-- no, that was just a cloud. Sorry.

So I will never see real boobs?

It would seem that way. Sucks to be you, child.

Career

Will I ever be rich?

Well, let me look. Yes, I can see you. You are standing behind a counter with a red polo shirt on. You have a nametag... Let me see what it says... "Welcome to McDonald's! My name is {DAUL DUNS WUTH}}." Hold on, let me look farther into the future. You're coming into vision again. Yes, I see you. You still have the same uniform on. And the same thing the next day. And the next week. Either my crystal ball is on the fritz, or you're going to live on minimum wage for the rest of your life. And I just had my crystal ball repaired this morning.

Why Mcdonalds?

you are loving it.

So I'll never fulfill my life's dream of becoming an astronaut?

I guess not.

What you will never be. A blessing or a curse, I am not sure.

What about President?

Nope.

Fireman?

No.

Police Officer?

No.

Construction worker?

NO! You're going to be a McDonald's cashier for the rest of your life, child!

Mortality

When will I die?

Ah. A question that is easy to answer. Let me look into the crystal ball... Ah, I see a man on a park bench. Reading the newspaper. If I could just see the obituaries... Yes, there it is... DAUL DUDS WUTH. What's the date of the paper... Oh. Oh my. Apparently, you shall die in four days. I will pray for you, child.

What?! Why? I'm perfectly healthy!

Ah, yes, but I notice that you were eating a Big Mac on the way in. From China, I believe the meat was. That's enough to kill you most quickly.

Do you see ANYTHING good in my future?!

No need to be pushy, child. Just give me a minute. Now then... I see... Ah... When you leave my humble abode, you shall find something shiny on the ground... Something shiny... But what is it? Ah, yes... You shall find a shiny new nickel. Such good fortune you have, child. Such good fortune.

Will editing this article have any influence on the outcome of my future?

Yeah!

Really?!

Haha, god, no.