This is NOT an endorsement
Don't be fooled by the mention of several well-known products in this article, we are not advertising anything here. We would never even CONSIDER accepting money from any business or corporation to endorse their product simply for the cause of monetary gain. We aren't that gay.
Times are crazy. These days, businesses will do anything to get you to buy their products. If you live in a big city, you know what it's like. You walk out on the street and look around, and all around you, you see advertisements and endorsements for all manner of items. Just look at the building above you and you'll see a half-naked man with a bulging crotch that sports "Calvin Klein" IS FUCKING AWESOME across it. You can't even turn on the TV or read the newspaper without seeing an advertisement for a %20 off sale at Macy's SHOP THERE NOW!!!. Getting away from all this was once extraordinarily difficult, but now that you're at this page, your worries are over: This is NOT, an endorsement.
I have NOTHING to endorse[edit | edit source]
As you know, Uncyclopedia does not charge its users for owning an account, and therefore, I have no reason to advertise anything in this article. Say, for example, Wal-Mart THEY HAVE THE BEST PRODUCTS AT LOW, LOW PRICES!!! asked me to do an advertisement for their store. You can be sure that I would turn down such an offer, due to the fact that subjecting the readers of this article (that's you) to such endorsements would be exceedingly rude and obnoxious. No, you can trust in the fact that I would never accept payment for endorsing companies such as Burger King HAVE IT YOUR WAY AT BK TODAY!! in my article.
Why would companies want me to endorse their products anyway? I don't reach a very large audience on this page, just the few people that stop by every now and again. Hell, most of them don't even stay long enough to read this far down. They're all too busy going out to eat at Outback LET'S GO OUTBACK TONIGHT! LIFE WILL STILL BE THERE TOMORROW!!. So, even if I DID decide to advertise for a company, any advertisements lower than this paragraph would never be read, and that would pretty much eliminate the objective of advertising. So, you see? I have no reason to endorse.
Why would I need money from endorsement anyway?[edit | edit source]
I have a good job. I'm a DOCTOR. I bet you can't say that. After all, how many people can? And doctors make good money, too. I have a big house up on a hill. Painted it myself with Behr BEST PAINT IN THE INDUSTRY paint. So, as you can see, I make enough money to live a good life. I don't need to sink to the low of accepting advertisement money from big businesses, because I don't need the money. I have morals. I don't need advertisements in every corner of my page, because, unlike most people, I'm not all about making money. I just want enough money to live off of, and maybe buy lunch at Subway EAT FRESH! every now and again. I don't have to be rich, like some big business CEO. Not me. No way.
My conscience is clean[edit | edit source]
Like I said, I'm a doctor. I save lives every day. I keep your children healthy, and I make sure you live your life right. I even give you advice on what and where to eat, such as McDonald's BA DA BA BA BAAA! I'M LOVIN' IT!. I'm a good person, and everyone knows it. I would never subject anyone to the torture of having to look at advertisements for places like Six Flags IT'S PLAYTIME. Believe me, I'm a normal person, just like you. I know what it's like to see ads all over the place, and how annoying it can be to have to hear about another big sale at some Dodge GRAB LIFE BY THE HORNS dealership. That's why I created this page, as a sanctuary from all the endorsements that flood the senses from every direction. Why else would I take the time to make this article? Definitely NOT to earn money, that's for sure. You know, I don't need it, being a doctor and all.
I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M NOT ADVERTISING ANYTHING HERE!!![edit | edit source]
Why don't you believe me? I swear, even if the Bush administration paid me three billion dollars to endorse John McCain VOTE REPUBLICAN!!!, I would never even THINK of doing it! Come on! Trust me! I would never try to get you to buy anything from Price Chopper LOW PRICES ALL FOODS, no matter what those scumbags tried to pay me! I'm a good person! I know what it's like to be subjected to advertisements, and I know how it can make you want to want to overdose on Tylenol THE PAIN RELIEVER HOSPITALS USE MOST! I would never do that to anyone! What? You believe me now? Oh, thank God. You had me worried there. Ohhhhhh. Ah. My head hurts. I'll be right back, I'm going to get some Advil STRONGER THAN PAIN.