UnPoetia:Charles Bronson
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Poetry for people who hate poetry |
Daddy, I already counted till infinite twice!
Charles Bronson: A Poem
Charles Bronson had a firearm
That flooded streets with gore
And everywhere that Bronson went
He killed, then killed some more
Charles Bronson was an architect
The world will sorely miss
He made the three great pyramids
To look just like his fist
The first three knuckles turned out well,
Til Moses came to whine
His "Let my people go" soon stopped
When Charles ripped out his spine
Charles once bench-pressed a sperm whale
One hundred times his mass
He then bit off the fish's head
Moby Dick, my ass.
Charles Bronson beat up college kids
For their stupid-looking hair
He once made fifty kids combust
With a single, manly stare
Charles Bronson made beef jerky,
Atomic bombs, and fists
He made the world a better place
Gorillas in the mist
For target practice, Bronson kicked
A baby into space
Before it left the Milky Way
He shot it in the face
Charles Bronson hated hippies
Like hippies hate being clean
He shot them all right through the teeth
To teach them good hygiene
Bronson's very early years
Were truly times of doom
Young Bronson tore off hippie heads
While in his mother's womb
Charles Bronson went on eBay
When beef jerky stocks were hit
He bought Tutankhamun's mummy
And ate him, bit by bit
Keeping Charles is very hard
His needs are quite unique
He must be let outside to kill
At least five times each week
When Charles Bronson is aroused
He bites off women's heads
It should be unsurprising
That his girlfriends are all dead
He hates men as well as girls
He only loves dogs
Everytime he sees a cat he hurls
The same happens when he sees frogs
Charles does not always use a gun
Although he likes it best
When he runs out of bullets
He'll just punch through people's chests
A dying widow left her child
On Bronson's porch one night
Charles took him in and, gently,
Ate him in one bite
"What you don't know can't hurt you"
Is bad advice to give
While you might not know Bronson
HE knows where you live
When manliness is lacking
And hippies rule the Earth
We will see a second coming:
Charles Bronson's grand rebirth
The mountains will be leveled,
The populace will scream
It's when there are none left to rule
That Bronson rules supreme.
Adam West • Biggie Cheese • Billy Mays • Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup • Blue Beetle • Bob Knight • Bruce Campbell • Bruce Lee • Charles Bronson • Chow Yun-fat • Christopher Walken • Chuck Norris • Clint Eastwood • Dirty Harry • Dolemite • Mr. Garrison • The Green Hornet • Jackie Chan • Jet Li • Joe Camel • Jack Dempsey • James Bevel • Jimmy Blackman • Jimmy Mozzarella • Juggernaut • Knight Rider • MacGyver • Manny Pacquiao • Martin Luther King, Jr. • Michael Biehn • Mike Tyson • The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit • Mohandas Gandhi • Mr. T • Notorious B.I.G. • Popeye • Qin Shi Huang • Quentin Tarantino • Rambo • Red Forman • Rick Astley • Sean Connery • Samuel L. Jackson • Shaft • Scott Aukerman • Steven Seagal • Tony Jaa • Wesley Snipes • Wonder Woman • Yogi Bear • Your Dad
