Architect

An architect is a person who discovers buildings under the ground so we can have somewhere to live. Not to be confused with Agriculturalists who grow buildings from seed. Architect refers to the greek phrase "Chief Builder" which used to mean something, in more recent times however the term architect literally means egotistic, artistic, faggot.

They are the most sentimental and touchy people alive and can get away with anything citing philosophy and other crap. Be careful when meeting an architect because the stench of their own self importance is overpowering.

Overview

A staircase with no use. Clearly the work of an architect.

If planners were 'matter' then architects would be 'anti-matter'. Except planners are anti-matter. They are mostly anti everything. Unless it is pretty, old fashioned and small and just how they would have done it if they had stuck at architecture school. To avoid explosions of middle class violence we must keep these two groups apart. This is why we have planning consultants.

Architects also have a legendary antipathy to Builders. They have been locked in an epic battle of good and evil throughout the ages. Architects and builders fight each other in one-on-one swordfights.

Architecture school

Architecture school is commonly known as where jaded kids go to feel better about themselves. These kids are often overly sentimental; they think everything in their lives can be solved if they forgo sleep and self-punish. They are neurotic about everything.

Typical architecture student lingo: "It just doesn't FIT." "Is the physical intrinsic to the soul or the other way round? For example, if I lost a hand would I learn to love myself more?"

They are miserable bastards and weigh life on the "gravity of my dinner" and "the tangent of my coffee." Architecture students are also known for being guileless prudes who refuse to have sex to maintain the "texture" of their work. They are known to sit in front of their lunch for 30 minutes pondering which portion they should eat first, and in what size and shape they should pick it up in, and calculating the benefits and cons of having a shower before they eat that last grain of rice in the middle of the plate, or after, and 'sensing' the temperature their water should be at and calculating the density of the drops falling on their skin so that the next design has 'culture'.

They are known for having breakdowns in the studio and 'submitting to a religious authority" for spiritual salvation after giving up on designing the next national monument, and then being generally suicidal afterwards.

Famous Architects

Famous architects include:

• Dr. Indiana Jones: Who built a temple of doom, a last crusade and lost an ark
• John Milton Keynes: Who dug up an old new town in the middle of Britain. He also dug up some cows and invented Keynesian economics which says that since money does not grow on trees, it must follow that it can be found under the ground. He spent much of the rest of his career digging up banks.
• Sir Christopher Wren: Actually a bird who, when tugging too hard on a worm discovered the spire of St Paul's Cathedral. This bird went on to discover a whole load of other churches in London, and was well known for crapping on the other famous architect Nicholas Hawksmoor shoulder.
• I. M. Pei: With a short name filled with vowels, Pei developed a devoted following among editors of crossword puzzles.
• Nicholas Hawksmoor: Satanist and man with bird crap on his shoulder.
• Mies Van Der Rohe - Box-faced dick splash.
• Kevin Bacon: In Tremors.
• Billy The Kid was an architect but he did not like to talk about. Therefore we don't really know that he was an architect.

Things that are better than architects

Because these peabrains design for form over function, there are a lot of things that are better than these second-hand electric donkey bottom biters. The list includes:

• Civil engineers
• Mechanical engineers
• Killer rabbits
• Cock and ball torture
• MacDonalds
• McDonalds
• Grimace shake
• Rappers trying to sing
• The Green Lantern movie
• TOGO (for my fellow thoosies)
• Engineers in general