American Empire

The Empire of the United States of America American Empire
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "King of Kings Ruling Over Rulers"
Anthem: "Pax Americana"
Following the conquests of Bush II and Obama's coup
Capital	Washington, D.C.
Largest city	America
Official language(s)	Newspeak, Oldspeak
Government	Corrupted plutocratic democracy
President	George W. Bush
‑ Vice president	Dick Cheney
‑ Grand Totally-not-Communist People's Supreme Worshippable Head Communist In Charge	Barack Obama
National Hero(es)	Adam Smith, Agent Smith, Uncle Sam, KKK
Declaration  of Independence	Empire declared January, 1981.
Currency	The Almighty Dollar
Religion	Americanism, Conservatism, Christianity
Major exports	Pornography, criminals, obesity, McDonald's, racism, capitalism, greed, consisting Bush and Dick
Major imports	Pretty much everything else

Disclaimer: Some persons and structures given in the article below may be either fictional or misused in the article. This is not a formal source of information and should not be used so.

The Empire of the "United" States of America, also known as the United Spades of America, the U.S., the U.S.A., the U.S. of A, the U.S and A, the United States of Amerika, the United States of Whatever, Unitched Spaces of Allah, and South Canada is a wholly owned subsidiary of GlaxoSmithKline after it was recently purchased from Wal-Mart. However, various expeditions to the imperial capital of Byzantium have determined that the Empire borders various federated barbarian client states and other vassals, the most immediate of these being the former Republic of Quebec and Yucatan Republic. The present day Empire traces its’ history back several hundred years to the foundation of small colonies along the New Speakithen shore by various religious fanatics attempting to establish a theocratic new nation. From these primitive heathens arose the most powerful nation-states on the planet, spanning some five continents (Australia, the thermonuclear wasteland being the noted exception). After winning its’ independence from the colonial masters of Canada, the nation experienced stunning growth and expansion westwards, eventually reached the Pacific Ocean in little more than half a century. This expansion allowed for the incorporation of local tribes and Mexicans into the Republic as it grew, providing America with a unique cultural experience. As such, history has given the United States a rich heritage; unfortunately little can be written of it, given the tragic loss of the republican archives following the collapse of the Second Republic.

The history of the United States begins across the Atlantic, in what is now the fifty-eighth State, Londinium. Following the excommunication of the heathen King Henry VIII, royal decrees forced loyal Catholics to flee the oppression of the Anglican church, eventually leading them to settle in what is now the administrative region of Democratica, formerly the republican-era states of New York, Vermont and hell on Earth, New Jersey.

After a rather boring history aside from a few interesting conflicts here and there such as the Civil War and First World War, America contributed little to the world in its’ Republican State. However, American victories in the second round of fighting with Nazi Germany presented the Republic an opportunity to emerge onto the world stage as never before, becoming one of the two superstates fighting for control of the globe. After decades of war with Eurasia, little progress had been made. Both powers lacked the morale or resources to subdue the other, leading to what historians have dubbed the 'Lame War'. Sporadic fighting would continue for nearly fifty years, until the rise of a new political figure in the United States.

Background

A vast tract of physical and psychic real estate inexplicably named after a 16th century Italian fugitive named Amerigo Vespucci (see below). The American empire began as infant colonies of the aging European empire, which attempted to expel its lunatic fringe to the far reaches of the known world only to be thwarted by the invention trans-Atlantic airplane travel. The first hundred years of those colonies were characterized by a series of encouraging victories for the native peoples and natural elements of the western hemisphere. Unfortunately, the days of Puritans being dragged into the woods by blackbears were not to last.

Upon reaching adolescence, the American empire severed ties with Europe and began ravenously engulfing its own hemisphere. While most empires have at some point or another enjoyed a golden age, the American Empire prides itself on repeatedly ingesting, excreting, reingesting, excreting, packaging, marketing, modifying into a reality series, repackaging, putting on UPN, and selling on DVD its golden age several times over. It is now widely considered to be at the apex of its power, and its citizens are currently engaged in the essential task of figuring out when exactly it jumped the shark. In regards to this, good money has been placed on Richard Nixon's appearance on Laugh In and George H. W. Bush's vomiting on the prime minister of Japan in 1991.

History

The Beginning: Amerigo Vespucci's Welcome Demise

Vespucci's first love was the fine art of baking pastries. In the end, like so many puff pastry dandy's, he was claimed by a wandering heart and the sea.

Vespucci set out from Rome in 1569 after an ill advised attempt at the popular court gag "Pull My Finger" in the presence of Pope Pious Androgynous IV. As the papal guard sharpened their butter knives to punish Vespucci, dissenting elements of the Roman court managed to stumble drunkenly to a galleon parked in the bay and severed its anchor chain just in time for high tide. They were expecting to set off for Tuscany where one of them knew a guy who could get them into a cool strip club. Instead they arrived at the Isthmus of Panama 16 months later and became the first Western Europeans to set foot in Central America. Within moments of making landfall, they also became the first Western Europeans to be devoured by a school of now extinct Venezuelan flying piranhas. As fate would have it, Vespucci was not the first European to meet a welcome demise on the shores of the new world, however his name stuck in the craw of mapmakers unanimously decided to describe all lands west of the sea monsters as "the Amerigo's," primarily because the other option was "the Vespucci's," and they were saving that name for naughty jokes at parties.

Colonization: Enter the Fanatics

Hearing that there was an opportunity for gruesome martyrdom and super hot leopards with sexy ass beyond the reach of the known world, the Puritans took a break from causing civil wars in England to fill a series of ships with god-fearing souls they thought would look good depicted on future recruitment posters beneath the words "commended to God needlessly to make you feel guilty enough to tithe and extra percent." After three or four rounds of unsuccessful villages ravaged by disease and tomahawks between the shoulder blades, a group of particularly hearty fanatics sent shocks through the literate world by actually starting a thriving small town in Jamestown, Virginia. And, before even the first husk of New World corn could be gummed at by Jamestown's horribly unsanitary settlers, the English Crown set out to profit from this turn of events. In typical fashion, English Gentleman devised a plan that involved killing beavers to make hats. This led to a network of trappers spread thinly over the new continent engaged in small-scale exploitation. At that point, nobody could guess how quickly that small-scale exploitation would quickly blossom into a full scale raging cluster rape.

Economics: Enter the Bottom Line

This picture taken of Adam Smith during his vacation to Dante's inferno.

Around that time a young man named Adam Smith, bored by his own name and unable to describe anything but his own country's wealth, wrote a treatise that conveniently explained why everything wrong with the world was actually a good thing and that those bad/good things should be exacerbated beyond reason. England immediately responded by tightening ladies corsets and promoting the slave trade. Since that time the meaning of the term economics has been hotly debated. All anyone seems to agree on is that if the word "economics" is directed at you in a conversation, chances are someone is either trying to screw you over or you were duped into taking a class because that "professor is so easy." In any event, the early history of the American empire is largely made up of economic factors and something called "capitalism." Capitalism is one of those words that rich people use to explain why they don't tip and poor people use to explain why they would like to kill the rich people.

Vital Contributions: The Marx Brothers

The American Empire's greatest citizens.

During the 1920s, at the nexus of all knowable history, five brothers (Gummo counts, though very little) began the modern age of sarcasm by taking subtle and not-so-subtle swipes at the world around them. Those gags played out in such a way as to make life bearable for the rest of the American Empire's tortured population as they approached The Great Depression, which was followed by a manic period called World War II and the Cold War. In the midst of this bipolar nightmare, the Marx Brothers served as the cultural fulcrum for an empire moving at dizzying speeds, especially in Coconuts, Animal Crackers, and (reverence please) Duck Soup. Despite what anyone says about Love Happy Harpo never spoke on film. That was voice over.

Civilization on the March

Needless to say ironic comedy had plenty of fodder and a power structure that kept track of their jokes with something called a "black list," which is like a Christmas card list for paranoid psychotics. It wasn't long before the juggernaut of economic supremacy superseded any good ideas currently at work in the American empire. Before long the bottom line became the preeminent concern of all Americans, even the ones who should probably been thinking about how to prevent teeth loosening VD. Over the next couple centuries, various national boundaries were drawn, erased, redrawn, and drawn again by CIA agents who had just murdered foreign leaders with dental floss and plastique. As this took place, several wars were fought for "freedom," because that was the best excuse the writers could come up with on short notice. The final product of it all being some semi-reasonable prices at Wal-Mart and some wholly unreasonable prices at Starbucks... and an excellent market for burnable American flags abroad.

Following the American Empire's cold war victory, the CIA put a red star on its seal to rub it in those KJB losers' faces.

Rise of Reagan XIV

In this time of disillusion a man appeared upon the political scene of the United States who would forever alter the course of history. The soon to be famous leader, Reagan the XIV, swiftly seized control of the Republican government and disbanded the ineffectual and incompetent US Senate and House of Representatives, replacing them instead with the positions of Consul and Dictator, advisors to the President of the United States. Following this coup, Reagan moved quickly to dispatch the enemies of the Republic, ending the decade old conflict with Eurasia through a thermonuclear barrage which left countless millions dead. Hailed as a hero for his triumph, Reagan announced the official end to the last vestiges of the Republic, disbanding his positions of Consul and Dictator, crowing himself on Christmas of 1980 Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, title of the first de facto Emperor, Norton I.

With Eurasia vanquished, Reagan moved quickly to secure his support at home and expand the Empire abroad, sweeping aside the American puppets governments of Latin America in favor of complete annexation. To the North, American forces crossed the 45th parallel and seized Canada in a lightning campaign, leaving the new Empire unchallenged masters of the Western hemisphere. Yet, as the first American troops began pushing into Colombia, the first Emperor of the United States, Reagan the Fourteenth, was wounded in a car accident outside of his new capital, Byzantium. The accident proved fatal, the last words of the Emperor reportedly "and you too, my comrade?" Yet, Reagan’s efforts of cementing his power base in the United States paid off. His successor, Bush I, inherited an Empire stretching from Alaska to Colombia, with near Orwellian obedience from his subjects. Doubleplusgood.

Conquest of South America

Bush I continued the expansion begun by his predecessor, removing the last ‘free’ nation-states from the Western hemisphere with the annexation and conquest of Peru, Brazil, Chile and Argentine (Ecuador and Paraguay choosing to enter the Empire as federated provinces). Amphibious landings along the coast combined with extensive use of air support routed the defenders, who despite their brave resistance were overwhelmed. Several wars of conquest would be conducted against the various states of South America, in the end subduing or crushing most organized resistance. Lessons learned by the Imperial legions in the deep jungles of South America would later prove invaluable against foes elsewhere among the tropic regions of the globe. Bush I would continue to launch annual campaigns against the remaining hold outs of Venezuela and Bolivia, however dense jungle and matters arising elsewhere would deny the Legions complete control of these territories.

Expansion into the Pacific

Aware that even the removal of Eurasia would not indefinitely assure the success of the Empire which he had inherited, Bush I embarked upon a round of expansion to establish a foothold in the Pacific. Using the Casus belli of defaulted heroine shipments, US military forces supported by the vast power projection capabilities of the Imperial American Navy began a series of landings amongst the former British colonies of the Sandwich Islands, Philippines and greater Micronesian island chain. The old, weakened British Commonwealth proved to be no match for the newly-strong United States. The British power base in Asia, India, immediately renounced its’ obligations with the English at the start of hostilities, effectively dooming the remaining British and Commonwealth forces in the area. While fighting amongst the tropical islands would continue for some time, the British hold in the area was effectively destroyed. Valiant defense on behalf of the Commonwealth forces could not stem the tide. Successive defeats and a preemptive nuclear strike on Australia would result in the loss of New Zealand and nearly all other British Pacific colonies before the Treaty of Yorkshire was signed the following year. The results were a disaster for the Commonwealth, dissolving what fragile unity remained completely. Having secured the position of the Empire in the Pacific for the moment, Bush I turned his attention once more to America proper and a new source of unrest: an upstart politician and former industrialist, Bill Clinton (later, Clinton IV).

Usurper: Clinton IV

Clinton IV was able to rest control of The American Empire from Bush I through a coup perpetrated by the Black Panthers and the KISS Army. Clinton, as the first Black President, was able to bring Afrikan-Amerikans into the political process as no leader had before. However, barely two years into his reign, the Republocrat Revolution, headed by Don King and Neud Gingrich effectively took control of the nation. They allowed Clinton IV to stay in power as a figurehead, and granted him the privilege to bang all the fat chicks he wanted to. Don King was made the King of the new nation, and was crowned as King Don King by the new Prime Minister, Newt Gingrich.

Conquest of 'Old' Europe

We just straight up took it!

End of the Commonwealth

Britain retaliated briefly, and we mean briefly. Clinton IV tried to build an alliance with Tony Blair III, and succeeded in procuring some aid for the Empire. Mostly old Monty Python reruns. After this, his mistress Lewinsky the Harlot exposed their secret affair. Gingrich, infuriated at the exposure, broke Jesusland briefly off of the Empire. The civil war started when Clinton threw the bird on camera. It lasted roughly two days, because Clinton just wouldn't fight and ran. He was eventually captured, and given a speedy trial of eight minutes. He was found guilty and hanged. After the war, Bush II came into power, and unleashed a hoard of Texas Rangers trained by Chuck Norris into British Commonwealth territory. Most of the Commonwealth surrendered quickly, but South Africa held out until Captain Marvel, the Americans' newest super weapon decimated remaining British forces. As per conditions of surrender, Tony Blair is now lapdog and puppet ruler of Australia, after the overthrow of Lex Luthor.

Looking Ahead: Learning Chinese

The current trend seems to be something called globalization, which is a term referring to the globes or balls, which is precisely what the American Empire has the world by. Several valiant efforts by the American voter to run the whole thing into the ground through the selection of legally retarded leaders have proven absolutely ineffective. It appears that decentralized control has left the machine operating without a Master Control Program or a Tron counterpart. In a more academic sense, there is no HAL to be unplugged. And even if there was, actually unplugging it would probably just slow down that already onerous voice and add another 10 minutes of padding to the finished film (20 minutes in the director's cut).

Many citizens of the American empire have begun learning Chinese (especially the Chinese ones). The primary reasoning behind this move is the sudden realization that there are 1.3 billion Chinese people in the mainland People's Republic of China and its enemy, the Wal-Mart's Republic of China on Taiwan. However, the vast majority of Americans couldn't care less about English much less a communist language and are busy at work imagining James Bond scripts with Chinese supervillains instead of Soviet ones. As of now, the long term prospects for the American Empire remain as they have always been: 42.

The Coalition of Peace and the USSR: When Evil Looms...

Whilst America was enjoying her victory over the Commonwealth, Ahmadinejad, the dictator of Iran, and Vladimir Putin, premier of the Soviet Union established a pact that stated that any American or Israeli presence any where on Earth would be a threat to their existence. This conference was given during a live televised reach around that Ahmadinejad was receiving from Putin. Iran called in its favors with other Arab countries, creating the Coalition of Peace and the USSR Defense Force. On the eve of November 5, 2008 Iran sent Jihadists into American held territory in the middle east, and attempted to invade Israel. Catching the American forces off guard, Lil Jon could only proclaim "What?!" Putin likewise overran American forces in Europe with Vodka drops over American bases. After weeks of intense fidgeting and fighting, the lines have drawn at Great Britain in Europe, after realizing that the Americans could sober up after looking at English peoples' teeth. In the Middle East, Lil Jon and the surviving American troops linked up with Israeli forces at the Golan heights, fending off approaching Arab warriors there with his Crunkish yell. This overwhelmed the Arab forces while they shouted "Allahu Akbar", causing them to pee their pants. Currently, the Soviets and Arabs are planning their next moves, while America is planning to retaliate. America's plan to send Captain Marvel, along with new allies Rammstein and Superman on a raid to Moscow will hopefully be able to force an end to the war. Grand High Inquisitor Bill Gates' interrogation of captured Japanese scientists yielded powerful new technology, which American forces hope to reverse-engineer and use against their enemies. Bush II has claimed that if any more U.S. or allied territory is lost, he would be forced to use nuclear weapons against the Soviet-Arab armies. China is also looking at entering the war, but not until they can gain as much money as they can from both sides. Unknown to all of Earth, however, is an even greater threat from beyond the stars...

Battlefield Japan: The Commonwealth's Desperate Gambit

Meanwhile, the defeated and humiliated British Commonwealth (who had been forced to move their seat of government to the offshore gun platform of Sealand after they were routed from the British Isles) was coordinating its forces for a counterattack. After their discovery of the super conductive mineral known as "Sakuradite" and their subsequent development of the Yggdrasil Drive, the Commonwealth was able to build new weapons that could stand against the American Empire's might. Still, with their forces severely crippled and much of their territory lost, they still stood little chance of victory. Hoping to distract the Empire long enough for the Arab-Soviet coalition to strike, they publicly revealed their new energy source and launched their scattered armies in a coordinated invasion of Japan, the largest source of Sakuradite. American forces scrambled to secure this new power, hitting the British hard with conventional and superhero attacks. Fighting raged on, and despite the intervention of a mysterious and charismatic young rebel who sided with the Japanese resistance and the rap-based devastation of Tokyo at the hands of Lil John, neither side seemed to gain much ground. With the final assault on Moscow indefinitely delayed and the Americans stretched thin on multiple fronts, it seemed for a short while that the gambit would succeed...

The Tide Turns: Rise of the UCFN

... And, lo, it did! The battle over Japan gave the Arab-Soviet forces the time needed to attack the Empire from the east, catching them off guard. This, along with mounting losses on the Japanese front, forced them into a tactical retreat, leaving the victorious Commonwealth sitting atop the world's largest stockpile of Sakuradite. Their victory gave the rest of the world hope, and the remaining nations not under America's rule merged with the Commonwealth, the Coalition of Peace, and the USSR to form the United Coalition of Free Nations (UCFN for short), a force whose might could match that of the American Empire. Bush II was absolutely livid over his Empire's defeat, and in response, rather than arousing the new faction's ire by employing nukes, he summoned his two greatest generals: John the Lionhearted and Barack of the Midwest. Fresh from their victories in Africa and the Middle East, they were appointed to replace the current commander, the now-disgraced General Rumsfeld, as the heads of the Empire's primary military force. Bush II hoped that the two would be able to overcome their long-standing idealogical differences long enough to steer his armies back onto the right track. They would soon get their chance when the UCFN launched a renewed strike on Israel, threatening to overwhelm the region. The two generals mustered their forces, including the injured-but-not-defeated Lil John, hoping to stop their advance. Meanwhile, China sat back and watched, waiting for the right chance to jump in, as did the mysterious forces from beyond the stars...

Endgame: the Empire Strikes Back

Bush II quickly utilized his generals against the UCFN in Israel, but the battle appeared to quickly turn in the UCFN's favor. However, the UCFN was forced to retreat when the Empire threatened to stop giving the British tea. The Americans then quickly rallied behind Bush II and his generals, hoping to crush the resistance of the British Commonwealth. The Americans captured several Soviet generals brainwashed them to attack the UCFN in Japan. Unleashing them, the Soviet/Americans used the worst weapon ever invented by the Russians: the Russian reversal. Baffled by the backwardness of Russian life, the Americans overwhelmed the UCFN and retook Japan, using anti-Sakuradite to wipe out all of Japan's Sakuradite supply. Meanwhile, Barack of the Midwest staged a revolt against Bush II, forcing Bush II to allow Barack to control the Empire. Bush would remain Emperor and Protector of Texas, but Barack was now the Grand Totally-not-Communist People's Supreme Worshippable Head Communist In Charge. Barack used his newfound power to rebuild the crumbling fortifications Byzantium and double the size of the Army, Navy and he created an army loyal to him alone: the Army of Biden. Led by Bidenius Maximus, this army used higher taxes to make the UCFN broke and then used abortion to starve them of new recruits. Biden then led the Empire into Africa and the USSR, Taking all of the northern and eastern African areas, as well as using a newly created technique: the American counter-reversal, to give the Soviets huge headaches. Unfortunately, Lil John was forced to sacrifice himself in battle to the Soviet forces, and the Americans took the Kremlin, using its new army of Gremlins. Afterwards, the Soviets surrendered, and Putin was made the puppet head of the Soviets. Meanwhile, China was still watching, as its plans for world domination slowly came to fruition...