Windows Jesus

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Outrage after the popular band The Beatles declared themselves "bigger than micro$oft".

Microsoft's newest OS planned for the coming of Christ is Windows Jesus. There are currently two versions planned, Crucifixion Edition, Judas Edition (recommended for previous Mac users) and the Christmas Version. All have been specially designed to make the most of DirectT (Testify) graphics and consume as little as 1TB of space.

New Features[edit | edit source]

Windows Jesus comes with a slew of new and exciting features, including new games, office applications, and many exciting new ways to crash.

  • Windows Jesus features random, betrayal caused crashes; it will reboot after three days, without any trace of the previous crash.
  • The red screen of afterlife is dreaded by most users of windows operating systems from the evangelical series, Microsoft has thoughtfully added 14 new ways to induce this screen. Sadly users will only get to use one of these methods, as they are sent straight to the Devil’ reception office upon viewing it.
  • Windows Jesus supports most new hardware. Microsoft is always adding new drivers to its database.

Games[edit | edit source]

Windows Jesus comes bundled with an array of child friendly games, all of them comply to the subliminal messaging agencies standards.

  • Crucify This! - In this new and exciting game, play through a poorly rendered 3D world of Bethlehem, and go and save Jesus from being crucified by the evil Steve Jobs!
  • Forgiveness - You must bless and forgive as many people as humanly possible. Is a watered down version of the popular XBOX (soon to be renamed christbox) game of the same name.
  • Bible Games - The ever popular classic Bible Games, famously reviewed by the late great James Rolfe.
  • Great messiah of Light and Miracles - A huge, biblical version of the popular Steam counterpart, this game allows you to visit such Jesus-y places like Jerusalem, that desert outside Jerusalem, and, uh, the local Marketplace!
  • Pope'a'pope - The purpose of this game is to condemn all the blasphemers to hell. Gameplay is similar to Bubble-Babil: using the cruciform launcher on the pope-mobile, connect 3 or more of the same coloured blasphemers to send the whole group to hell. The twist

Versions[edit | edit source]

So far, Microsoft has announced two versions, but there is expected to be at least two more added, all of them will inevitably be crap.

Christmas Version[edit | edit source]

The Christmas Version has a unique feature of being able to make virgins pregnant without even having sex! This reduces sin, but inevitably slightly different sin will inevitable ensue (no what I mean). Using a brand new method of viruses, the user actually CATCHES a baby from a computer. NOTE: Male users are advised to use this edition with caution as giving birth to Holy Ones as a man is a yet untested process, probably sinful.

Crucifixion Edition[edit | edit source]

This version is geared toward Satanic cultists Power users. One feature present in this version, not available in the other two, is the ability for the O.S. to hang for many days without dying. This allows you to pray that your files will be saved. When your computer DOES die, the nifty "Resurrection" feature will activate on next Easter Sunday, after which, your system will run exceedingly well for a period of time, before disappearing. This version contains many hidden Easter eggs.

Criticisms[edit | edit source]

  • Many features have supposedly been inspired by Mac OS 666, causing the infamous law suit between God and Michael Jackson.
  • Runs extremely slowly in Jewish, Islamic and other non-Christian countries, thankfully the ever popular Linux based operating system Unbiaseduntu is available in every possibly conceivable language.
  • Many criticized Windows Jesus SP2’s built in feature “MUP.SYS” (Microsoft Unnoticed Preaching.SYS) which, among other things, would prevent any applications aside from Microsoft RSG’s (religiously sound games) from functioning on Sundays; crashed if hardware was upgraded, displaying the message “You have been indulgent! Please give your new hardware to penniless orphans” and monitored internet usage, contributed to the “Bill 'Masiah' Gates heaven suitability list”.

Windows logo ERROR IN FRAME #0077X67X.


• Detect "non-genuine" products

• Gather user information and credit card numbers

• Cripple core system components

• Deploy legal team

• Launch civil litigation


Estimated time:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.



Installing Windows has never been easier easy


All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type
it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.




v • d • e


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