Jewish holidays
Throughout the ages, the Jewish people have suffered much, created a magnanimous history and tradition, gained riches and knowledge, and more, much more: they managed to piss off just about everyone [1]. It has come to pass that all Jewish holidays are meant to remind the Jewish people of how they suffered, whereabouts they wandered to, and more, much more: they are meant to remind the Jews who they managed to anger. This article is written in remembrance of all the nations out there who tried to tell the Jews how annoying they are, and failed. We shall remember them fondly.
Basic Principles
As it is a well know fact within Judaism, all Jewish holidays are based upon these three principles:
Let us now discuss who they are, why they tried to kill the Jews and what we should eat to commemorate this occasion. Finally, after this tiresome foreword, here are the Jewish Holidays in a chronological order:
Hanukkah - Festival of Lights
Hanukkah! The feast of lights! Happiness and joy light up the hearts of the Jewish people!
...Or don't they?
...Does it have anything to do with the chinese?
...How is this sinister holiday related to heart disease and Greek cuisine? Find out next!
- Who tried to kill us?
It was the Greeks. Yes, those nice people with funny accents and marvellous Tzatziki? It was them. The Greeks dominated ancient Israel for quite some time (hey, it was in the neighbourhood and everyone had a piece, so why not take a bit as well?). And so, the Greek king Antiochus [2] declared that the Jewish population should be reduced to a conveniently manageable size. And since where there are two Jews present, there are three different opinions as well, a conveniently manageable size basically equals - none.
- Why'd They Fail?
A group of Jewish Rascals, the Macabees decided that it was not in their best interests to become manageable, and thus revolted. To make a long story short: they won, they salvaged, they rebuilt, something 'bout a miracle, 8 days worth of olive oil blah blah blah. Who cares? Let's get to the interesting food. Let's eat!
- Let's Eat!
Two common things you'd like to eat during this holiday are the Sufganiyot (seems to be Jewish mutated doughnuts) and Latkes (which seems to be Jewish mutated potato pancakes). Deep fried to remind the Jews about the miracle of the 8 days worth of olive oil blah blah blah. Not interesting. They taste great, and due to the high level of saturated fat, they will bring the day of your heart attack closer. Eat it, enjoy, move along.
Purim - Festival of Lots
Ahhh! Purim! The Jewish Halloween, a feast for the children, a time where all Jews "should drink until they cannot remember their own names"[3]. A lovely time of year.
During Purim everyone dresses up like monkeys.
...So why has this pagan holiday continued an ancient ritual which involves severed human ears?! Find out next!
- Who Tried to Kill Us?
This time it's the bloody Persians.
Wait, that sounds familiar...Persians...Killing...
Oh hell, I lost track of it.
Anyway, the bloody Persians led by the Weakling king Ahasuerus and his plotting aid Haman, decided to clear the grand Persian empire of Jews due to some obscure reasons that had something to do with air pollution. Therefore, Haman the plotter, decreed that all Jews shall be executed upon the day of his choosing.
- Why'd They Fail?
Haman forgot one essential detail: Ahasuerus' wife, Esther, was Jewish. And a very hot Jewess, at that. Ahasuerus made a simple calculation:
Fearing for his sex life, Ahasuerus executed Haman and his ten sons. And his pet eunuch. Just for spite.
The king cancels the impending genocidal frenzy of murder and destruction and tells the Jews that they can defend themselves if they happen to be attacked, because his army is made up of loose-cannon rebels who play by their own rules (the by-the-book members who were three days away from retirement died earlier in the episode). On the day originally scheduled for the massacre they then defend the hell out of themselves, poking the not-attacking Persians with their defensive swords, spears, and "Punim" collector spoons (bought earlier for the express purpose of defence). They rest up that evening, and spend most of the next day continuing their heroic defence from people that have been told not to kill them, sending a total of 75,000 pesky Persians to their graves. Space cleared, they set up for a party.
- Let's Eat!
The traditional food for this lovely occasion is mainly set to remember good ol' Haman and what became of him. And so, the traditional Purim pastry is a triangle-shaped thingy, filled with poppies...called Hamantashen or Haman's Ears. It is said that all Hamantashen around the world are moulded according to Haman's ears which were taken by his Jewish executioners. Nasty stuff. Nasty pastry.
Pesach - Passover
Passover: a time for freedom! The most important Jewish holiday, which signifies not only the freedom of the Israelites but also the upcoming of Spring; a time for rebirth and new hopes.
BUT THOSE HOPES AND DREAMS DEMANDED A HORRIBLE PRICE!
The Israelites found their precious freedom, at the cost of thousands of Egyptian lives, millions of frogs and scratchy lice. Read next about this holiday period of "hopes and dreams".
- Who Tried to Kill Us?
Egyptians. They look harmless with their nice fluffy hats and their lovely pointy pyramids. Well, don't let down your guard, they are in fact, slave traders who used the poor Israelites for every despicable chore, from sweeping the sidewalk [4] to changing the (papyrus) diapers. From preparing the fluffy hats, to building the Aswan Dam. Damn.
And so, the Egyptians felt like they were not getting their money's worth (plus the Israelites started saying something about creating a union) and decided to clean house. Permanently.
- Why'd They Fail?
Allow me to quote from the Quran:
“And Allah is the greatest plotter of them all”
And so, that Jewish god decided that it was his time to smite down someone, and he threw all his rage and frustration for being beaten, yet again, by his girlfriend in the Tuesday night poker. And so, being quite the jester, god almighty sent his legions upon the Egyptians including all sorts of nasty stuff - wild animals, frogs, lice, darkness, killing of the first born. Oh yes, and then he sank them all in the Red Sea. And then he did it again, out of spite.
- Let's Eat!
You'd think that after such a victory that the Jews would eat happily some steaks, gulp down some cold beer and go to bed happy. But noooo...they need to feel sorry for some obscure sins and eat food that does not contain any yeast for a week. No bread, no buns, no pita bread, no beer.
Wait-a-minute...wait-a-minute...did you say no beer?!
NO BEER FOR A WEEK?!?!
Yom Ha'atzmaut - Israel's Independence Day
Finally, after two thousand years of diaspora, the Jews have returned to their ancestral home and established The Zionist Entity. Alas, as Jews will be Jews, they messed things up. Quite nastily so.[6]
And so began the first modern Jewish holiday which was based on the three ancient principles, exactly five minutes after the Jews re-established themselves in the region.
- Who Tried to Kill Us?
Just about every Arab in the whole world. And his wife and kids. And his cousin. And his pet camel. And his Bedouin next door neighbour. Phewww. That's quite a few armed Arabs.
- Why'd They Fail?
They were Arabs. Also, the Jews ignited their global machine of funding and interest rates and just flooded the region with hard-earned cash from the good honest and hard working citizens of America. And everyone else as well. And so, as the money flooded the Zionist war machines, the hostile Muslim population had no chance but to turn back, and allow the Zionists to establish their country and be quiet for a while. Please? Just a wee bit quiet?
- Let's Eat!
BBQ! Yummm...roasted meat...a bit burned on the sides, to remind us of the burned tanks. Or maybe because no one can really make a proper BBQ, unless they're Texans.
Tisha B'Av - Ninth of Av
At that point in time, the Romans had just about enough. No more revolts. No more pesky Jews. No more new astray Jews claiming to be sons of the single god [7]. No more ridiculous "We are the chosen people" claims. Enough is enough. Let's burn the club.
And burn it they did.
- Who Tried to Kill Us?
You don't pay attention, do you? It was the bloody Romans!
- Why'd They Fail?
Well, to be honest, they didn't really fail, having massacred every odd Jew and burned down the club [8]. But then again, it's two thousands years later, and where are the Romans? Pushing the lilies. Where are the Jews? Right...
- Let's Eat!
Let's not! On that specific occasion, the Jews decided to rest from all previous luscious feasts, and take a fast.
Footnotes
- ↑ For good reason. They were Jews, after all.
- ↑ Who was a bit "anti" as you can gather from his name.
- ↑ Which is quite a task when you think about it, since they all use only three names: Abraham, Moses and Hey You!
- ↑ Sweeping the sidewalk in a fucking desert. Now, that's just mean.
- ↑ By quoting the Quran the author means no disrespect for Islam and wishes to avoid any murderous Fatwa issued upon him.
- ↑ They just couldn't establish it in the middle of...hmmm...let's say, the Maldives!!! No Sir! The Zionists just had to establish their <airquote>ancestral</airquote> home in the middle of a swampy desert in the heart of a hostile Muslim population. Did I mention hostile? Did I say Muslim? Good! Now bugger off!
- ↑ I mean, come on, one "god" versus Juno when she's in a bad mood?
- ↑ It might have been the second temple. Historical evidence is a bit obscure at that point.
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