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Purim is the Jewish version of Halloween, when people wear costumes, drink alcohol, and listen to the story of Esther from the Book of Esther.

Book of Esther[edit | edit source]

Haman sucks ass[edit | edit source]

Esther was made the Queen of Persia after King Ahasuerus killed his previous wife for not coming to him when he called her during a feast. Esther kept her Jewish identity a secret to the request of her uncle Mordecai, who has served as a judge in the King's court. The Prime Minister of Persia, Haman the Eggman, was so important that all citizens had to bow to him. But since Haman had Donald Tusk's head weaved on his pants, Mordecai has always refused to bow to him. As a result, Haman plotted to kill all the Jews in Persia and got the King's permission. Mordecai then asked Esther to ask Ahasuerus to cancel the bill. Esther went to see the King without invitation, which was a capital crime. Ahasuerus forgave her and she asked him to set a feast featuring him, her and Haman. Ahasuerus agreed, and during the feast Esther asked Ahasuerus for a second feast, also featuring the three of them. Haman gets out of the feast feeling high and mighty, only to bump into Mordecai who refuses to bow to him. Pissed-off Haman prepares a really fucking high tree to hang Mordecai on. Meanwhile, Ahasuerus is having nightmares. He wakes up and asks to be read a random old UnNews, in order to relax. The UnNews was about Mordecai saving the King from a plot to murder him. Ahasuerus decides to reward Mordecai, and Haman arrives at that exact moment to ask the King's permission to hang Mordecai.

Coincidence?[edit | edit source]

Dave Grohl celebrating Purim.

Yes, because Purim is the Holiday of Lots. Contrary to Hanukkah, which is the Holiday of Lights, meaning miracles. There are no miracles in the Book of Esther, only a series of coincidences. So returning to Haman, Ahasuerus asked him how the King should reward a man who is cherished by the King. Haman, still loaded from the first feast, was sure that Ahasuerus is talking about him, and answered that this guy should totally get a reverse fag drag. Ahasuerus asks him what reverse fag drag is, and Haman is all like, "Just give me a chance and I'll show you, bitch". Ahasuerus then orders Haman to reverse fag drag Mordecai through the streets of Tehran. Haman then ties a dental floss to his own balls, ties the other end of the floss to Mordecai's horse, and totally runs backwards through the streets for 10 hours singing the song "Cherish" by Madonna while protecting his balls, while Mordecai is riding the horse.

The feasting continues[edit | edit source]

Fucked-up Haman arrives home and is immediately called to the second Royal Feast. At the feast, Ahasuerus asks Esther that she finally tells him the real reason that she risked her life and came to see him in the first place, promising her no less than "half of the Kingdom" in return. This was the 3rd fucking time that Ahasuerus asked Esther why she came to see him, and the last couple of times she asked for a fucking feast. This time, Esther asked the King to save her people's and her own's life. Confused Ahasuerus says he doesn't get it, so Esther points her finger at Haman and is all like, "Haman is full of shit". Ahasuerus gets up angrily and walks out to the garden, and Haman falls down, kisses the Queen's legs and begs for forgiveness. Esther lifts up her legs in disgust, and Ahasuerus walks back in, only to find Haman and Esther in a poo rimjob position, AKA reverse dirty sanchez. Only in retrospect, the King discovered that the poo on Haman's upper lip was actually his Hitler mustache. Exactly at that moment Ahasuerus notices Haman's tree, sticking up like Eiffel tower from the penthouse of Paris Hilton. Ahasuerus orders to hang Haman on his own tree, and gives Mordecai Haman's job, but he is unable to reverse the bill he has already signed.

Killing the bill[edit | edit source]

The clever King decides to make a new bill, saying that the Jews are allowed to fight and kill all their enemies. The second bill totally reversed the first bill, and no Jews were killed during poorim day. The Jews got to kill all their enemies, and at the end had a big feast which lasts right until these days. The Holiday's name was set as Purim, instead of Feast'em, which was the natural choice. Feast'em was too gay and it might have caused a confusion between this Holiday and Passover.

See also[edit | edit source]

  • "Feast", a song by the industrial metal band Skrew, telling the story from Haman's perspective.
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