The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit
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|---|---|
 Mugshot of the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit, when he was in custody | |
| Died |
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| Resting place |
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| Occupation | Cheese bandit |
| Years active | 1968–1970 |
| Organization | New Kentuckian Republic |
| Known for | Committing hilarious crimes |
| Criminal charge | Too many to count, man |
| Criminal penalty | Life in prison without parole |
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was a notorious criminal that terrorized the city of Milwaukee between the years 1968 and 1970. He was thought to have robbed at least 50 dairy trucks, artisanal cheese shops and priceless antique butter churns. He was caught by police on January 17, 1970, and was sentenced to execution by firing squad. He later escaped prison and shortly died due to choking on the very thing he loved to steal.
First robberies
His first robbery was at a local Walmart (with a brown paper bag over his head). He ransacked the dairy aisle grabbing all the cheese wheels he could fit down his trousers. Security was called and tried to stop the man, but he threw grated parmesan in their eyes instantly blinding them and severely injuring one. Witnesses reported that his trousers seemed to fit an infinite number of dairy products, as he cleared out the entire dairy aisle, but his trousers barely bulged (apart from the large bulge his milk fed penis made). The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit ran out of the Walmart, hopped in the driver seat of a 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu and hauled ass before armed Food and Drug Administration officials arrived.
He performed his second robbery on a truck tanker full of milk. It was leaving the farm, when a tree suddenly collapsed in front of the road, forcing the driver to swerve and smash into a nearby ravine. The driver stated that the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit dragged him out and pissed on him laughing hysterically. He noted that his piss had a yeasty yoghurty smell. He then tied the farmer up with approximately 1,000 zip-ties and dragged the truck and tanker out of the ravine using his strong boney hands. The farmer was astonished, but then horrified when the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit lifted the farmer and punted him over 100 yards away. The farmer was later found barely alive with almost all of the calcium in his bones seemingly depleted.
The third robbery came from a small, local cheese shop. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit drove up in the 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu doing doughnuts in the parking lot. He got out of the car and pepper sprayed the owner, who was a 79-year-old grandfather of seven, pillar of the community who looked adorable in cardigans. While the old man was on the ground in pain, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit ran the old man over with his car, continuously running him over, and reversing back over him and then running over him again going forward. He also did doughnuts and spun his tires on the old man's face. Eventually, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit stopped his tomfoolery and opened the trunk of his car, and shoved the entire cheese shop into the back of his car, as well as the old man. The old man is still missing to this day and none of the dairy products were ever traced by the armed FDA officers.
First confrontation with the police
While robbing a local restaurant, the Cheese Bandit encountered a fridge full of so many exotic cheeses that he didn't know which ones to steal. Since he was considerate, he cut off a small piece of each cheese and tried each one with a bit of a saltine cracker to cleanse his palette. He tripped a silent alarm while trying a French cheese that cost $1,000,000 and the police barged in. He convinced the police to try five different French and Italian cheeses with him and help him pick out his favourite. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit told them he was extremely constipated due to cheese intake and had to take a colossal and painful dump in the bathroom. After an hour waiting the sheriff went into the bathroom to check for him, but he had torn the toilet up and dug his way under the restaurant. The sheriff was forced to pay a $1,000,500 towards all of the fine cheese they had eaten and $2,500 to remodel the bathroom.
The police contacted the FBI and told them the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit should be on the Top 10 Most Wanted for this heinous act. The FBI told the sheriff that the Green Bay mushroom thief was a higher priority.
On the same day the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was robbing the same Walmart as before, clearing out the dairy aisle. The police showed up quickly and the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit threw pointy bread sticks at the coppers impaling a young rookie cop. He instantly died and left his wife and four cute children destitute. After clearing out the dairy aisle and running towards the parking lot, the cops stormed the entrance and started shooting at the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit quickly built a boulder of cheese in seconds and rolled it at the police. The sheriff was running away from the cheese boulder like he was Indiana Jones but was eventually crushed as on either side of him were baby products such as diapers and powder formula.
Escape
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit got into his car and hauled ass out of there. The police pursued him throughout the city of Milwaukee. You would think all that cheese and dairy would weigh the car down, but no, his top speed was estimated to have been up to 287 mph. He ran over fifteen police officers and a couple of small children. He ploughed through seventeen roadblocks and smashed through a daycare. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit slammed straight into a billboard, landing on Ryan Gossling, instantly killing him. Then the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit, after turning into a dead-end road, seemingly vanished out of thin air.
Operation Dick Cheese
The FBI eventually agreed to put the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit on the Top 10 Most Wanted. The FBI started a manhunt to capture or kill the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit, codenamed Operation Dick Cheese. Any truck or place that carried dairy products had heavy security present. Guards had assault rifles. Some high-profile places even had snipers overlooking the area. Mike Tyson decided to take the role of a guard dog to numerous shops. Chuck Norris went undercover and stayed at several places that carried dairy products. Local police were on call 24/7 in case of another robbery.
FBI director J. Edgar Hoover stated that if anybody in America could capture or kill the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit, they would be awarded $1,000,000 (the cost of the expensive French cheese he ate).
Letter to the FBI
A letter from the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was confirmed to be real, which taunted the FBI for not being able to catch him.
Dear J. Edgar Hoover,
You're fuckin' dumb.
Sincerely,
Milwaukee Cheese Bandit
The letter severely upset J. Edgar Hoover, as he reportedly locked himself in his office for 45 minutes, crying and yelling. Other people could hear him slamming his head against the wall and desk. The loud slamming sound lasted for 15 minutes until all the noise stopped. A janitor unlocked his office and entered with a group of people, to see the wall had a J. Edgar Hoover-head-sized hole in it, and the desk was bent in with blood everywhere. Underneath the desk was Hoover, unconscious from repeated head trauma. Doctors rushed into his office and tried to wake him back up, with no success. Hoover was rushed to the hospital and didn't wake up until someone nearby mentioned homosexuality. Hoover sprung up and begged to know more about the topic being discussed. After being told nobody in the room was discussing gay activities, and that it was a simple joke, Hoover collapsed back into a coma.
World's Biggest Cheese Wheel heist
Not much is known about the actual robbery itself, as it took place within 40 seconds and most of the witnesses were killed.
On December 31, 1968, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit stole the World's Biggest Cheese Wheel, which was in a random building in Milwaukee. It was 20 feet tall and weighed 4,553 pounds. In the late hours of New Year's Eve, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit rammed a monster truck through the side of the building in which the cheese wheel was held. Security guards tried to subdue him but were promptly folded like an omelette before they scrambled like eggs.
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit lifted the cheese wheel with his bare hands and put it in the back of the truck. The cheese wheel forced the monster truck to constantly perform a wheelie, which looked very badass.
After getting the hell out of dodge, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was pursued by the police. He leaned out of the window and opened fire on the police using a rapid-fire rocket launcher (propelled by the gas that makes holes in Swiss cheese, or something). Police remained in pursuit for the next hour and a half before he turned a corner and suddenly vanished. How the hell does he keep doing this?!
Aftermath and hiatus
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit wrote another letter to the FBI, saying that he will be taking a hiatus from stealing cheese for an undetermined amount of time until he decides what to do with the giant cheese wheel.
The letter was sent to the FBI on January 2, 1969. The hiatus lasted until May 18, 1969. In another letter to the FBI, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit stated that during his hiatus he had completed his mission with the cheese wheel. What the mission and what he did with the cheese wheel is unknown, but confirmed chunks of the cheese wheel have turned up over the years in places such as occupied Iraq, the Pope's bedchamber, in the most sacred tombs of the Mayan Pyramids and inside Ryan Gossling's coffin.
Walmart massacre
After the killing of the two FBI agents in the string cheese factory, the National Guard and FBI were determined to catch him.
During yet another Walmart cheese robbery, a special group of agents comprised of five people, called "The B Team" stormed the building in an attempt to capture the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit.
He then picked up one of the other agents, swung him around, and threw him into his squad mate. When he heard their bones break he told them they should have drunk more milk as children. He force-fed the remaining two a gallon tub of cottage cheese. The high salt content caused them massive kidney failure meaning they didn't have a glorious cop death, but rather a sad and hilarious one. As the National Guard stormed the building he vanished into thin air.
The FBI began to investigate the robbery. They heard sound of a helicopter and assumed it must have been more national guard. Little did they know the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit had modified an attack helicopter to lift an entire cheese factory from the Milwaukee suburbs, fly it over the Walmart and then drop the whole thing completely demolishing the building and killing FBI agents and an entire company of national guards. In the wreckage, all that could be found were the boots of the National Guard and a wheel of Cammembert with the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit's card in it.
Chuck E. Cheese
On September 14, 1969, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit robbed a Chuck E. Cheese and took the mascot as a hostage until he ransoms "all the cheddar". The staff misinterpreted this as slang for cash, and instead gave him around $10,000. He shot them all and then took both the money and the cheese. That bandit was a bit of a dick sometimes.
Assault on the FBI
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit walked into the FBI headquarters. He went into the staff kitchen and pulled out a package of someone's cheese strings. Incredulously the agents watched as he slowly pulled apart little strings and saved up a few dozens of them and then ate them. He ate a few strings, farted, then peeled off a few more strings and ate the rest. He then said thanks and walked out. Little did everyone know that he had left a massive pile of dynamite underneath the building, which he detonated instantly destroying the building and made it look like something out of a doomsday movie.
Underground Cheese Tunnels
On Christmas Day 1969, the FBI found a series of giant tunnels dug underground beneath the Mexico–American border. While it was financed by cocaine drug cartels to help supply rich New York Bankers with their white powder stimulant, the Cheese Bandit used it to smuggle in certain types of cheese which were prohibited in America. This included a cheese made with 50% habanero peppers which would literally melt your tongue off if you ate it. He also dug a hole under the Canadian border so that he could smuggle cheese curds out of Canada into America. Why he did this is not known as cheese curds are not illegal in America and are in fact easily available in most states.
A Bigfoot was reportedly spotted in the tunnels, packing away a cheese wheel. Whether Bigfoot was working for the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit or if it was the cheese bandit wearing a big foot costume, no one knows. Regardless, he did disappear into thin air when the FBI found the tunnels and chased after him. It is speculated he shifted into a universe entirely made of ricotta cheese, only without enough Oxygen to sustain him for more than 10 minutes at a time.
Arrest of the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit
On January 17, 1970, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was spotted eating Cheese cake in a hipster cafe in a gentrified Milwaukee neighbourhood. While they could have just gone in and arrested him, they instead bashed open the door with a battering ram with 5,000 cops simultaneously entering a tiny cafe. The crush led to the suffocation of most of the customers in the store as well as most of the Cops. None the less, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit somehow survived and was taken into custody by the one living cop left. They had finally caught him.
Life without parole
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was sentenced to life in prison without parole. He was sent to Alcatraz and started serving his sentence. During his time in prison, he would often steal cheese from inmates' trays at lunchtime and beat the cooks up if they didn't give him any cheese. He killed fellow inmate O.J. Simpson during a brawl that started when O.J. didn't give the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit his cheese. O.J. died after the Milwaukee bandit ripped out his heart and replaced it with a yak's bladder filled with Tibetan yak milk yoghurt.
Death
During lunch time, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit, as usual, grabbed every slice of cheese he could get his hands on including barging into the warden's room and ripping the cheese out of the Warden's sandwhich. Unfortunately he finally bit off more than he could chew and he sadly choked to death with cheddar cheese spewing out of his mouth, nostrils, nipples, ears, anus and penis.
Aftermath
The coroner discovered the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit's blood was actually 90% cheese, specifically nacho cheese. During the autopsy, the coroner discovered a whopping 155 pounds of cheese in his stomach which included the really expensive French cheese which seemed so good it took years to digest. The funeral was attended by America's biggest crime families including Tony Soprano who had forgiven the cheese bandit for stealing a gold plated wheel of Sardinian maggot cheese he'd been saving. Ironically no cheese was served at the wake. The Cheese Bandit would not have been amused, but then, he was dead, so it didn't really matter. Such was the lamentable end of the greatest dairy criminal to bless the streets of Milwaukee.
Legacy
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom and was forever remembered as a legend in North America.
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