Dr. Phil

Picture of Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil is that one talk-show-therapist shit imitation of Oprah. It is believed by many religious and political cults that he is secretly Chuck Norris working under the rule of Darth Vader. However, no proof has been provided (so far.) The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is currently looking into it.

Early life

Dr. Phil was born in Pumpkinuts, Oklahoma. Dr. Phil says his family motto is 'Fox in a chicken coop is better than half a turnip on a dung sandwich'. He was born with a moustache and already balding. His mum tried to drown him when he was a baby but his moustache absorbed all the water in the tub. He had a strange attraction to hideous women with extensive plastic surgery. He grew up quickly, and became well-known in his school and his surroundings as the retarded tall kid who smelled like half cooked onion rings. He then moved to Los Angeles and began 'helping' people. In only 5 days, Dr. Phil attacked many people with violent words, and won the award for "Los Angeles Most Helpful Citizen" after kissing more than 80% of Los Angeles' male population (hence the award). With the award came a cheque for $300,000. Shortly thereafter, he decided to go onto Survivor|Celebrity Survivor where he 'psyched out' the competition by showing off his 'log'. One day while walking down the street in his suburban neighborhood, Dr. Phil saw a strange man pleasuring himself in a nearby tree. Dr. Phil approached the man and asked him what he was doing, the man jumped down from the tree ejaculating on the impact of landing. Dr. Phil asked the man if he would like to be on his show, and he said "NO!, I like flapjacks and raping squirrels!". Dr. Phil disgusted by this started to walk away, but before he could leave the man flung some of his cum on Dr. Phil's upper lip and said "Now you have a real mustache! More recently, it has been noticed that Dr. Phil may appear near Asian-oriented areas of O.C. possibly visiting "coffee shops" a Vietnamese coffee shop with bikini-clad girls. Noticable participants have claim seeing so.

Education and Clinical Thesis

McGraw won a male prostitution scholarship to study a Bachelor of Arts at Rodeo Clown University, Texas where he decided to major in African American Studies (believing himself to be black at the time), however quickly changed majors after suffering racist attacks when the Professors told him he was white. These attacks may have been the cause of him viewing Oprah as a mother figure in later life. Phil then withdrew from his studies due to him coming to the realization that he actually had to work to achieve a pass, he therefore bought his PhD through Bangladesh University, India, whereby he had to submit a 850 word essay on any topic of his choice. His obscure topic of 'Whether it was able to achieve a credible reputation as a clinical psychologist by revealing people's life problems and thus ruining their lives whilst under the protection of a black female media power' gained widespread media attention. The one and only person who has been on his show who didn't seem to have any issues at all, he was so astonished that she was so perfectly sane that he married her lest she expose his personal issues first and gain control over the show.

The Dr. Phil Show

The Dr. Phil Show is a meek representation of Dr. Phil's intentions. The show begins with Phil introducing a person with a problem of some sort, he then asks the person what it is that they do. Once the person has replied, Dr. Phil then repeats the entire explanation and awaits the crowds applause. Example:

• Dr. Phil: Today I will be talking to Tony, who drinks 15 cans of Coke a day. Tony what is it you do?
• Tony: Well Dr. Phil, I drink 15 cans of Coke a day.
• Dr. Phil: He drinks 15 cans of Coke a day.
• (Crowd applause)
• Dr. Phil: Coming up next, I'll be speaking to Dave, who beats his wife regularly.
• Dave: Yes Dr. Phil, I beat my wife several times a day.
• Dr. Phil: Hmmmm (awkward pose), Dave beats his wife several times a day.
• (Crowd applause)

Nothing is ever truly solved, it is only proved to happen.

How to be like Dr. Phil

Well the answer is you can't be like Dr. Phil unless you are a closet homosexual working in Orpah's Studio because you are an underpaid half bald moustache wearing loner who dates ugly plastic women.

How to kill Dr. Phil

Killing Dr.Phil is like drowning a baby, it can seem too disgusting to do but if you have the determination it's easy. Although even getting close to this hideous monster can destroy your soul through sheer boredom & disgust, there are ways to fight through the pain.

Step 1.

The First step is preparing yourself for the task ahead. Try listening to Ryan Seacrest's Podcasts a month prior to attempting the task as this will build up a small resistance to bullshit.

Step 2.

Getting to Dr.Phil is easy, all you have to do is send a sappy letter to his TV show stating that you are a pregnant teenager whose gay lover left you and you are assured a position on his show. Once on on the show, make sure you wear sunglasses because the reflection from his shiny bald head can cause severe damage to your eyes.

Step 3.

This is where it get's interesting. Actually killing Dr. Phil is simple, all you have to do is decapitate his moustache and he will become powerless. Then you have to make him watch re-runs of his own show as Dr.Phil is the only thing that can kill Dr.Phil

Step 4.

You must bury Dr.Phil's body under 60 feet of concrete because Dr.Phil can never truly die.

Step 5.

Yes.

Death

Dr. Phil died in his cozy cottage, Not-A-Real-State-Wyoming. It is unknown how he died because if you read the paragraph above this one, you notice that he cannot die. So he hasn't died. He is behind you.

Conspirators

Dr. Phil is only one man (monster, shemale ?!?!?!!?) and he can only kill so many people before being discovered. Even monsters need friends. Together with Andy Dick, Cliff Richard & Satan they formed D.O.U.C.H.E (Doctor Organizes Unentertaining Crap Hosted by E!). Together they rule the television world through fear and disgust alone. For more information see D.O.U.C.H.E

The Doctor Is In

Dr. Arschebaum + Dr. Demento + Dr. Doom + Dr. Dre + Dr. Duke + Dr. Eggman + Dr. Eminent + Dr. Feelgood + Dr. Fox + Dr. Frankestein + Dr. Holliday + Dr. House + Dr. Kellogg + Dr. Koop + Dr. Lecter + Dr. Loo + Dr. Malcom + Dr. Manplayer + Dr. McCoy + Dr. No + Dr. Oz + Dr. Pepper + Dr. Phil + Dr. Rabbit + Dr. Ruth + Dr. Salk + Dr. Salvador + Dr. Sbaitso + Dr. Seuss + Dr. Stone + Dr. Strange + Dr. Strangelove + Dr. Shatterjaw + Dr. Who + Dr. Whoopass + Dr. Wily + Dr. Wussow + Dr. Worthington + Dr. X + Dr. Xing + Dr. Yamak + Dr. Zhivago + Dr. Zoidberg + One Out of Ten Drs. + The Dr.