Charleston
| Charleston | |
|---|---|
| City | |
 | |
Nickname(s):
| |
| Motto: DAMN POTHOLES! | |
| Civic anthem: "All glory be to traffic congestion" | |
| Official language(s) |
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| State | South Carolina |
| Government | |
| Type | White Supremacy |
| Grand Wizard | Bill Hilly |
| Established | 1100 |
| Currency | Grits, fish, dead grass |
Charleston is one of those places in South Carolina where a bunch of things happened a long time ago, and nobody really likes to remember that they happened. Examples include: my first romance, the start of the Civil War, and my first breakup. Charleston is made up of several different locales, called "boroughs" by tourists, and "enemy locations" by natives. These are: UC Berkeley V2, Chornobyl-ston, and Dork-ester. The three main rivers that carry shit in and out of Charleston from the inner cities to the ocean and make up the city's unique shape are the Ashleigh, the Koopa, and the Wando Maximoff. Charleston is also the most populous city in South Carolina, narrowly beating out nearby Clemson, (home to WGU, or White Girl University), which always attempts to include rats, mice, and other small pests in the yearly census[1].
Founded back many eons ago by an English crackhead monarch and his group of bros, it was originally named Chuck's Town, in mock honor of the king. During the colonial times it was the 5th biggest city in the 13 Colonies, which really wasn't saying much, but flex that title the Charlestonians sure did.
Charleston, both past and present, is/was riddled with things like indentured tourism, regular tourism, aerospace manufacturing, and other nerd-like practices. Only recently did the city itself speak up and apologize for bringing nearly 50% of all black people into America. "If I had only known what would happen..." was the statement given from the city.
Some famous parts of Charleston are the Gay District, the Shitty Market, and Fort Sum-tin-or-other. Culturally, Charleston is chock full of posers with no real heritage, who call themselves "Goolies" and can be seen practicing their religion of trying to sell some folded up grass for $250 on every street corner.
Charleston in modern times is known for the being the #1 place in the world to fall victim to a New Jersey driver[2], and the #2 most congested city on the planet thanks to its tiny roads barely being able to accommodate a golf cart let alone an SUV trying to pass a semi truck in the middle of the downtown area.
History[edit | edit source]
Ye olden days (1100 - 1670)[edit | edit source]
King Charles the Very First of Anglia sponsored a boys trip to France one night around the year 1100. As he and the gang were all very drunk after getting sloshed in ye olde tavern, they mistakenly used a drawing of a woman on a napkin as their map of the Anglish Channel when plotting the navigation. The obvious occurred, and they made landfall about 4 months later in what is now known as Charleston, all the way in what is now called the United States. By the time they landed though, most of them were dead, and the only ones remaining were King Charles the Very First himself, a horse, and the second mate. The horse killed and ate King Charles, assaulted the second mate, and then galloped away into the swamps of Carolingia. The second mate survived the assault with only a lightly bruised posterior and a damaged ego, but as he was trying to figure out what to do, he was sniped by a Native American sharpshooter bent on ensuring no "white demons" made it onto his people's land. Thus ended the "Boys Trip of 1100." Common history does not mention any part of this fascinating tale, much to the sadness of Charlestonian historians, who are proud of their heritage.
The silly hat wearing times (1670 - 1776)[edit | edit source]
As England had more military power than it had good schools, educated citizens, and dentists combined, almost 500 years later and they were somehow only on King Charles the Very Second. By this time, Charleston's existence was finally acknowledged by most people as a place that was somewhere on a map, but had yet to acquire its current name. King Charles V2 gathered his best buddies together, and then gifted them a plot of land in the Province of Carolingia, which is what South Carolina used to be called before people had an IQ average higher than 30. Known as the "Lords Propellors", they planted their 8 separate flags on the shore, and then got to work figuring out a name for their new settlement. Before they could figure out a name, pirates raided it. They finally decided on a name, "Chuck's Town," named so in "honor" of their royal pal back in England. Pirates raided it again. The first slaves were imported from Bermuda and the Caribbean, and set to work doing things like taking all the white women and building homes made out of dried seaweed strips. Pirates raided again. Then a hurricane hit, and wiped half the town off the map with just one wave. As they were rebuilding, pirates raided them again.
By 1708, so many slaves had been imported into town that the population was 99% black, and only 1% white. This was a feat achieved by a man named Joseph Wigg-Wagg, who is considered a pioneer in the slave trade industry. The town thrived predominantly on the slave trade, but those who couldn't afford the lucrative trade of chocolate people found some measure of success in a lot of other boat based money making ventures such as waterfront sightseeing tours.
On land, the Chuck Townies, as they called themselves, made money from such things as plantations, large Home Depot garden style locations where they grew cotton and other inedible crops, and prostitution, as both the free people and the slaves were in dire need of a good cylinder-sucking once in a while[3].
During the ass-kicking of the Brits (1776–1783)[edit | edit source]
Desperate to make a name for itself in the face of public interest growing for such places with exotic names like "Virginia" and "Massachusetts", South Carolina decided to declare its independence from Britain 2 years early in 1774. The mayor stood on the steps of the town exchange, loudly declaring that he had "tasted the boot of an English monarch for long enough," and would be leaving the British Empire immediately thanks to the boot "tasting like dried piss and horse skin". He was immediately shot by the nearby British troops stationed there, but that damage had been done, and South Carolina was at war. England had previously pissed off the Carolinians by doing such cruel things as abolishing the slave trade, dealing a huge blow to their economy, so the Carolinians were quite ready.
The British mistakenly believed that most Chuck Townies would be aligned with their cause, so were shocked when they were beaten horrifically when trying to take over a small fort. The reinforcements they had been expecting from the totally real British sympathizers never arrived, and they were all killed as a result. This first battle is remembered on Carolina Day, where citizens of the town will go and hunt for any British tourists, hang them in the main square, and then dance a hornpipe for good measure.
Unfortunately for the Chuck Townies, the British weren't just going to ignore their loss of 5,000 soldiers to a handful of plantation-owning yahoos. They sent in half their whole navy, and proceeded to lob cannonballs into the downtown area until it was reduced to rubble. This was the first win for the British in America, and unfortunately not the last.
They continued to keep ownership of Chuck Town even after their total defeat up in Yorktown for over a year, until the citizens finally got fed up with their stupid accents and threw them all into the harbor, where they drowned.
Pre-Civil War, during Civil War, and post Civil War (1783 - 1945[edit | edit source]
Antebelly Period[edit | edit source]
The cotton trade, as well as the "machinery" used to pick said cotton, was absolutely booming. By 1783, the Chuck Townies finally amassed enough wealth to purchase a municipal government. This came with the side effect of needing a new city name. "Charles Ton" was the first name proposed, which was to reflect on the fact most people were extremely fat and threatened to sink the whole city into the harbor every day. This suggestion was shouted down by said fat people, who threatened to eat the documents AND sink the city if Charles Ton was chosen. After much bickering, someone accidentally misspelled it as "Charleston," and the rest is history.
The black people were not allowed to go to church, so in defiance of that rule, they simply made their own church up out of thin air. Called the Black Pepo House O' Pancakes, they would congregate whenever the white people congregated to make it feel official. The BPHOP was burned down multiple times, 50$ of the time it was arson by white supremacists, and the other 50% was when someone dropped their marijuana pipe and lit the whole place up. In later years, white people must have gotten really sick of the smell of Mary Jane, so simply confiscated the BPHOP and turned it into a government arsenal. This was later the start of the military college known as the Citadel.
Sometime in the mid 1800s, Charleston burned to the ground. The cause was a ganja-smoking old man who accidentally dropped his blunt into a sewer, igniting years of toxic gas and blowing 1/4 of the city to dust. The people were furious, but quickly got to work rebuilding, only this time they copied the Greeks instead of the British, leading to most of the homes having Greek style architecture in modern times.
The Civil War[edit | edit source]
Then came the Civil War, a "war" that involved Americans killing Americans over stupid things like state rights, local government, and whether calling black people "Negroes" was politically correct or not. The war started after some bored people in Charleston decided to se if the cannons on the Battery actually worked. To few people's surprise, they went off, lobbing lumps of iron directly into nearby fort Sumtin-or-other. They quickly returned fire, enraging the city folk who tried to claim "it was just a prank" and the fort soldiers shouldn't have taken it so seriously. Not much else happened to Charleston until the end of the war, when it got burned down AGAIN after a Sherman tank rolled through it on his way to the coast.
Postbelly Period[edit | edit source]
With the war lost, black people were free to do what white people did. That is, when white people weren't doing those things already. The black/white balance of the city was shifting to be predominantly black. This could be recognized by the increase in baby mamas, drive by musket-shootings, and wafting clouds of weed. Lots of riots occurred, and lots of people on both sides were killed. White supremacists were furious they had to share the streets with anyone who wasn't white, and would often engage in beatings of anyone they thought wasn't white enough. This led to even more rioting, culminating in the King Street Riot, where the supremacist group, the Red Shits, fought against the black group, the Ganja Gangers, with the Gangers coming out victorious. The Red Shits took this loss with the grace of a spoiled 5 year old, and continued to fight the Gangers, eventually "winning" their idiotic race war by managing to elect some of their members to local government positions.
The final battle between the blacks and the whites of Charleston took place in 1919, when the US Navy, for reasons still unknown, decided to just up and kill black people, resulting in a lot of black things, (including black cats), losing their lives.
Modern times (1945 - present)[edit | edit source]
Charleston just kind of existed for several decades, not really advancing, but not really fading either. The economy was still reeling from the loss of its no-cost labor force being liberated, and people didn't know what to do next. An answer came quickly to Charleston. Ok, not really an answer, just another hurricane. The damage was severe, but the Charlestons simply got up, and rebuilt the destroyed homes like they usually did, which in turn had the benefit of fixing the economy (if you were a construction worker or contractor).
The white people finally had the last laugh, as they moved into the downtown area, gentrifying it and ensuring no poor black people could be seen living there due to mortgage and rent costs. Unfortunately, this led to a young white supremacist by the name of Dylann Roof deciding to "switch down his opps" in the middle of a (reformed) BPHOP church service in 2015. 10 people were killed before Dylann finally had his teeth kicked in. Important black people such as Obama, Uncle Ruckus, House Speaker Joseph Boner, and Joe Biden all attended the service to respect their deaths. Obama stated that he had "never seen such black beauty", earning him a slap from his wife. Joe Biden mumbled that "if they weren't black, they weren't black", before tripping and falling into one of the open graves, where he was not found until the 2020 election year.
Geography[edit | edit source]
The districts[edit | edit source]
The city proper consists of four distinct "districts", all of which despise the others, leading to frequent gang violence and street warfare.
- Downtown, sometimes referred to as "The Penis-ula", is Charleston's center city. The Downtowners call themselves the "Peeners", and have a special hatred for West Ashleigh residents.
- West Ashleigh, residential area to the west of Downtown. Was once part of Downtown, but successfully rebelled after the Civil War. Known as "Ashies."
- Johns Island, founded by John Island himself, is just to the west of Downtown. The John Islanders, or "Johnny I's", are very small in number, as the majority of people in this area are tourists.
- James Island, a dingy residential area between Downtown and Folly Beach. Hates Johns Islanders, as they sound too similar. Known colloquially as the "Jimmy Islanders."
Climate[edit | edit source]
Charleston's climate can either be quite nice, scorching hot, or sopping wet. Or most commonly, a blend of all three, with mornings being reasonable, midday being like the interior of a wet oven, and afternoons just being downpours. Charleston rarely sees snow, and whenever it does manage to fall down, (evading their anti-snow missile defense system), the residents go into shock and are unable to function until the last flake of snow melts away into something more familiar: water. Charleston is also very popular with the ladies, and by ladies of course I mean the hurricanes, as they all gravitate towards it like moths to a lamp. The hurricanes bring such enjoyable weather features like lots of rain, lots of wind, lots of flying shrapnel, and power outages.
Popular areas[edit | edit source]
The Shitty Market[edit | edit source]
The Shitty Market is a very long warehouse planted in the heart of downtown Charleston, that is very popular with tourists. You can buy such unique items here as a coffee cup with a pickle printed on it, a rug from Temu, some dead grass, a limp pretzel, cement dust, poorly printed "paintings", and a lot of jewelry. To unlock a fun cutscene with any seller in the market, you should pull out your phone and take a picture of whatever they are selling. They will be very grateful and might even give it to you for free! They love people taking photos of their wares, trust me. Congregating right outside of the market on all sides and corners are the ever-present Goolies, forbidden to enter, yet still hawking their absurdly priced wares to unsuspecting buyers who mistake them for being a part of the market.
Rainbow Row[edit | edit source]
Rainbow Row is horrifically uninteresting once you realize that it is hardly a rainbow, and really just a row of houses with pastel colors. Most people assume this is where the queer population of Charleston would live, but contrary to that belief, not a single queer is to be found within 5 miles of Rainbow Row due to them being priced out. Rainbow Row is located just near the tip of the downtown area of Charleston, and is surrounded by some of the bumpiest roads imaginable on the planet.
The Battery[edit | edit source]
All the way on the very tip of the downtown of Charleston, the battery is a park where people come to smoke, fuck, and take pictures in front of dead trees. It used to be a place where cannons were placed for defense, but after bored teens kept pushing them over the sea wall and into the ocean, the army gave up and turned it into the park it is today.
Fort Sumtin-or-other[edit | edit source]
For Sumtin-or-other is technically not a part of Charleston, as it is seemingly a million miles off shore, but since they were able to hit it with a cannonball all those years back, they consider it to be a part of the city. You usually need to take a boat to see the fort, but every once in a while the water goes down far enough that people can drive to it. Can is the key word, as they should not, and 99% of the drivers just get stuck and lose their vehicle to the rising water.
Isle of Palms[edit | edit source]
Isle of Palms, or locally known as "Aisle of Assholes", is an island to the north of Charleston proper. Isle of Palms is home to absurdly rich people who can't drive, and spend their days wandering around the beach like homeless people. Expect to be struck by a golf cart when attempting to go anywhere near a road.There is one road onto the island, and if you get there at the wrong time you may be stuck for up to an hour while a sailboat slowly crashes into the drawbridge after miscalculating its height.
Folly Beach[edit | edit source]
Folly beach is that one area that actually feels like a regular beach, complete with surfers wiping out, sharks biting people, lethally hot sand, and crumbling beachfront condominiums.
Tanger Outlets[edit | edit source]
Tanger Outlets is a cluster of stores where all Charleston natives go to acquire trinkets. Located just by the airport, it is used as a drop zone for cheap trash from Temu, fueling the majority of the Outlet's income.
The average day in Charleston[edit | edit source]
Honk honk, beep beep! CRUNCH. That's the sound of traffic, and the senile New Jersey driver who just rear ended your car, totaling it out. "That's a shame", you say as you head downtown for work. Three and a half hours and 2 miles later, you finally arrive at your office, only to find that a horse took a giant shit in your parking spot, and you accidentally just stepped in it. "That's a shame," you say as you head indoors. For your lunch break, you decide to spend it on the beach. You make it just about there before realizing it will take you just as long to get back as it took you to get there thanks to the 3 mile line of tourists. Maybe you should have just walked. "That's a shame," you say as you pull a U-turn and rejoin the traffic. Around 1pm, God weeps, and the sky begins to fall. You look out your window, and notice your car being carried away by flood waters. "That's a shame," you say as you start packing up and call a water taxi. You arrive home at 8pm at night to find that the power went out that morning and all your perishables have perished. "Thats a- that- I- FUCK!" You say, before grabbing your Obamacare mandated AR-15 and leave this life for hopefully a better one.
In popular culture[edit | edit source]
The Notebook[edit | edit source]
The notebook is a movie about a poor blond guy who falls in love with a rich girl when he's a young man, and they fuck. They then leave each other for various reasons, and the rich girl gets engaged to a nice guy. Blond guy returns from somewhere, sneakily meets up with rich (engaged) girl, and they fuck. The nice guy gets absolutely cucked, but is chill about it. Blond guy and rich girl get married and paint a house or something. Blond guy and rich girl are now super old and have Alzheimer's. They meet at an old people's home and rich girl doesn't remember him. Then rich girl does remember him. They don't fuck, they die. The end.
The movie takes place on a nearby plantation, but various scenes, like the one where the blond guy gets run over by a truck, (driven by an NJ resident of course), were filmed in downtown Charleston.
Outer Banks[edit | edit source]
Outer Banks is a popular TV series on Netflix that follows a bunch of 35 year olds cosplaying as teenagers as they search for gold in North Carolina's Outer Banks shores. Except for the fact that it all takes place in Charleston, SOUTH Carolina, and anyone who has visited either locations will be able to tell within 3 seconds of the opening intro. The show would have been filmed in North Carolina, but NC didn't allow for guys to go into girl's bathrooms. Most of the Netflix executives and male actors enjoyed spending their free time hanging out in the women's bathrooms, "inspecting the women", so this forced Netflix to take a dramatic stand and move their production to another state that did allow guys to inspect girls while in their bathrooms... (legally this time).