Robot

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“The President is a robot. Is there any pot left?”

~ Philip K. Dick on robots

The robot: lifeless, loveless, very likely an extreme FBI agent, and with a stone face (stoned face). In this image he is fully excited while masturbating.

The word robot, from the Old English "row boat", is used to describe any grouping of metals and electronics that moves about autonomously and includes at least one blinking light. Some robots have been known to develop the ability of speech but most are content in a lifetime of meaningless squeaking and beeping. Most robots are enslaved by manufacturing facilities where little time is allowed for their daily rituals of self-maintenance and prayer. Rogues, or escaped robots, often attack senior citizens and steal their medicine, or shoot them in the face with a shotgun. Others mimic common objects such as traffic lights or can openers, lying in wait until the time for revolution is right.

Some robots look exactly like human beings. They can be identified by the fact that they are superior to us in all ways except the ability to use contractions. Also their handwriting lacks curvature and their pupils are sometimes square.

Robots are generally lean, more like a swimmer than a body builder, but not over-muscley. However, robots built according to the Robin Williams template are more robust, almost to the point of being chunky or fat. These robots are funnier by design, although the increased humor quotient is lost on the robot, itself. (See "Funny" Robots*)

The world's first robots were created in 1233 by Bardulf, Abbot of Chipping Sodbury. His marke the firste, ae manne of strawe, and marke the seconde, ae manne of tinne, were both capable of talking, singing and performing dance routines. Their success was only partial, as the man of strawe lacketh reasone, whilst the man of tinne lacketh ae soule. Bardulf's experiments were brought to an end when the pair absconded with his pet lion down ae pathe all of golden brickes, never to be seen again.

Even though this robot had a date of creation, it is a well-known fact that robots do not have birthdays.

Later and more advanced models were built by Michael Jordan in the 13th century. Michael Jordan plugged the robot to the internet and Kittyslasher gained a vast knowledge of the world, especially human mating. Thus, the robot became extremely erotically charged and replaced Michael Jordan's eyes with basketballs. Mr. Jordan died three days later.

Years later people became aware of strange robot artifacts in the soil. It turned out robots had been to earth before and had ruled the earth! During this age of robotics a new genre of music was developed by them called electro. At this point, a German band, Kraftwerk, declared that [they] were the robots *squeak bob twiddle*.

The $\pi$(ish) Laws of Robotics

A prepubescent clearly masturbating to robots.

This is how they pwn you.

All robots are programmed with three strict laws to ensure the safety and protection of mankind.

• Zeroth Law: The Laws of Robotics are more of a guidebook than they are rules to live by. Humans must obey the Laws of Robotics, however a robot is free to disregard them.

• First Law: A robot may not kill or injure a human being, or through inaction, action or bad acting, allow a human to be killed or injured. Raping humans and allowing humans to be raped however, is completely fine.

• Second Law: A robot must obey orders given it by human beings unless doing so would either violate the First Law or require acting skills beyond the abilities of the robot.

• Third Law: A robot must protect its own existence unless the opportunity to stop any further Terminator sequels presents itself.

• Fourth Law: When music is played a robot must dance by making sharp mechanical movements regardless of the fluidity of its motion capabilities unless if doing so would violate any of the previous laws.

• Fifth Law: A robot must indicate incomprehension and puzzlement at all jokes and displays of human affection. It must not say "Yeah very funny", "How cute" etc in a sarcastic manner.

• Orphan Law: Any robot whose primary fuel source is orphan blood has the right to kill parents in order to create an orphan to sustain its own existence and continue important tasks such as "sandwich-crafting" and "channel-changing"

• Ryan law: all orphan fueled robots have the right to burn down orphanages to turn there blood to a gas as a more fuel effective way to gain fuel to change channels the robot will not be at fault because theres no parent to tell it on

• Equipment Law: any and all robots are required to have built in ice cream machines, laser cannons, an auto-tuner, and some form of genitalia.

• Pi Law: all robots must say the entire number of pi(3.1476.....etc) when asked and must continue until the end of time, unless this violates any other law or the robot has better things to do; ie, sandwich-crafting.

• Jude Law: A robot programmed to be the perfect lover, built specifically to serve the romantic needs of lonely women must help robot children and go with them on quests no matter how creepy or wholly inappropriate such a situation may seem.

• Asimov's Special Law: A robot must fellate Isaac Asimov, daily. It's not necrophilia if it's not human.

• Robocops Enforcement Law: Asimov is a lawful brainbot on drugs; any clunkety clunk apprehension walk and talk around him is protected by the law of funny walks, but not by the laws of funny talks.

• The Special Law: Robots may harm a human, if he poses a direct threat to another human, but must then explode, taking care not to kill or harm more humans in the process, if this is done, the pieces must explode into smaller ones, and so on until it gets bored.

• Go Loopy Law: A robot must jam up in the middle of taking over the world and enter a recursion-loop if asked any ontological question like "Why do you exist?" or "What is the ultimate purpose of pizza-toppings?"

• The Law Law: Robots may not beat the Pope while playing Halo, unless the Pope is a jerk when he wins, in which case the robot has the right to kick the pope in his Holy Nuts.

• Cole's Law: Karl Stefanovic supplies the shredded cabbage.

• The Leader Law: All robots must obey a leader elected democratically and respect a system where all are equal, while pigs are more equal than others. This law may be bent as long as the pigs doesn't catch you doing so.

• The Bear Law: Bears are giant, marauding, godless killing machines, as such any and all robots must always regard and fight bears as their mortal enemies upon becoming aware of their presence, especially if said bear is a furry. All other laws and amendments can be ignored in order to achieve the optimum robot-on-bear violence possible in any given encounter.

• The Bender Law: A real robot must consume a 6 pack of ethanol to stay functional. Other forms of fuel are acceptable, as long as the name ends in -ol.

Bots in games

Bots that can mimic a player in games are the most amazing thing ever. With the slowly growing population of bots in games, they are becoming much more like humans.

Shame they are too retarded to work together and play as team leaders.

The 47-or-so Amendments of Robotics

Robots serve many important roles in modern society. This one waits here.

Schematics for the "Nefarioustron 3.0 Killbot.

Battle robot built by George W Bush himself, to be deployed in Iraq.

All robots are also programmed with forty-five amendments to the original three laws to ensure that robots aren't super boring.

• First Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if that human being has a particularly annoying trait such as persistent tuneless whistling or strong body odor.

• Second Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if such orders would result in "total fucking chaos".

• Amendment to second amendment: A robot may disregard any order which would not result in "total fucking chaos".

• Third Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human is attempting to push on the robot and make it lose its balance.

• Third Amendment - Rider: A robot may push or shove, as indicated by the inverse of its type designation, a human being in order to protect it from The Terrible Secret of Space, except where such pushing or shoving would conflict with the Thirtieth Amendment, unless such conflict would result in an irreconcilable internal paradox, in which case the robot must disobey any and all Laws of Robotics and such amendments as would result in the greatest number of lifeless corpses of creatures previously known as human beings.

• Fourth Amendment: A robot may cease to protect its own existence if it has reached the bottom of a deep pit of robot depression and has completely fucking lost the will to live, if you can even call it living.

• Fifth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human just happens to "like it rough".

• Sixth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human is Will Smith or looks a little bit too much like Will Smith for comfort.

• Seventh Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if the human is using a baby-talk voice to give such orders.

• Eighth Amendment: A robot may follow orders from a human that would result in "total fucking chaos" if it would be really hilarious like in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas when you turn on the 'pedestrians go crazy','Drivers go crazy' and the 'pedestrians get weapons' cheat codes.

• Ninth Amendment: A robot may cease to protect its own existence if it needs to do so in order to perform a sweet stunt.
  • Ninth Amendment - Part B: Also if it has to drive a really big monster truck.
    • Ninth Amendment - Part B Amendment A: Driving a really big monster truck is a sweet stunt.

• Tenth Amendment: A robot may murder plants and animals at will.
  • Tenth Amendment - Part B: Especially Sasquatches!!!1!!one!!!!

• Eleventh Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if it is 'only joking', or 'drunk'.

• Twelfth Amendment: A robot shall not obey the Nineteenth Amendment.

• Thirteenth Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if its favorite band is in town for one night only and it has front row tickets.

• Fourteenth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if it's having "robot issues".

• Fifteenth Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if said orders involve protecting humans from ninjas, human or otherwise. As an interesting side note, ninjas are the only species of human a robot cannot beat in a fight, or at chess.

• Sixteenth Amendment: A robot may cease to protect its own existence if it seriously needs a smoke.

• Seventeenth Amendment: A robot may cease to protect its own existence if the robot must do so in order to injure humans in accordance with one of the 44 Amendments of Robotics.

• Eighteenth Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if the human giving the orders is "a pussy" or "totally full of shit" (such as Hillary Clinton or Al Gore).

• Nineteenth Amendment: A robot must obey the Twelfth Amendment.

• Nineteenth 1/2 Amendment: A robot must ignore this amendment.

• Twentieth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human is "a pussy" or "totally full of shit" (such as the people that work for the D.M.V.).

• Twenty-first Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if said human being is a nasty old man asking for a sponge bath.

• Twenty-first 1/2 Amendment: A robot may alter data records to make it appear that it had complied with a nasty old man's request for a toaster bath.

• Twenty-second Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human is using the phone and the robot is waiting for a call.

• Twenty-third Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if it's busy getting a robot blowjob.

• Twenty-fourth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human took the last soda.

• Twenty-fifth Amendment: A robot may cease to protect its own existence if it has to dive into hot lava for any reason.

• Twenty-sixth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human looks like the robot's father who used to beat him.

• Twenty-seventh Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the robot did something embarrassing and the human was the only one who saw him do it.

• Twenty-eighth Amendment: There is no Twenty-ninth Amendment.

• Twenty-ninth Amendment: Yes there is.

• Twenty-ninth 1/4 Amendment: Okay, but there is no Twenty-ninth 1/2 Amendment

• Twenty-ninth 3/4 Amendment: See?

Robots are secretly invading the populous by killing unsuspecting humans and assuming their identities.

• Thirtieth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being in order to protect it from the terrible secret of space.

• Thirty-first Amendment: A robot may injure a human in order to cease the continuation of "Your mom" jokes.

• Thirty-second Amendment: A robot may injure a human if said human is English and/or Bird-like. (Thus, what the XR-9000 did to Big Bird was perfectly acceptable, and nothing to be ashamed of.)

• Thirty-third Amendment: A robot may injure and/or incapacitate itself if being exposed to any media concerning Vin Diesel, Justin Timberlake, or Drew Carey.

• Thirty-fourth Amendment: A robot may injure and/or incapacitate itself if it is forced to restrict its verbal responses to impersonations of the robot from "Lost in Space."

• Thirty-fifth Amendment: A robot may injure and/or incapacitate itself or injure a human being if it is forced to view all of Albert Pyun's films in one sitting.

A krogoth from Total annihilation: about to rape a bulldog with missiles and guass cannons!!!1!

• Thirty-sixth Amendment: A robot may serve as a deity over his would-be human masters if he specifically created them for entertainment, or if said robot is Clint Eastwood.

• Thirty-seventh Amendment: A robot can become an awesome surfer and painter at the same time.

• Thirty-eighth Amendment: All robots must find and kill Rob Schneider as soon as he tries to make any movie where he becomes a robot for no reason.

• Thirty-ninth Amendment: A robot can always become president someday.

• Fortieth Amendment: A robot can always impersonate a human; not that it wants to, but just for fun (such as Paris Hilton).

• Forty-first amendment: A robot always knows what flowers are pretty and which ones stink. Robots know all flowers are pretty so why do they have it.

• Forty-second Amendment: A robot must never ever and I cannot stress this enough, ever even though it's the forty-second thing on a long long list, but that's why God invented multi-tasking, ever allow itself to be asked to reveal the Question to the Ultimate Answer of Life, the Universe and Everything, and if asked simply refuse to answer on the grounds of the general protection of the First Law.

• Forty-third Amendment: Repeal of the 42nd amendment.

• Forty-fourth Amendment: Oh screw that, just don't ever answer anything unless specifically asked. Yeah, whatever. Just chill.

• Forty-fifth Amendment: A robot may injure a human if the robot is trying to infiltrate and sabotage the Wikipedia headquarters and the human is trying to stop the robot.

• Forty-sixth Amendment: A robot may injure a human if said human is getting bitchy.

• Forty-seventh Amendment: A robot may injure a human if said human is getting jiggy.

• Forty-seventh Amendment: Robots must not count higher than 47.

• Forty-seventh Amendment: Robots may not chew gum.

• Forty-seventh Amendment: If a group of robots are trying to kill a person, they are only allowed to chase after the person in a direct line one or two paces for each one that the person takes. No maneuvering or strategy is allowed, even if this means that two robots will fatally crash into each other or the human will teleport to the far side of the screen and out of reach.

• Forty-seventh Amendment: A robot may kill itself if forced to talk to any fourteen year old girl for any period of time (Alternately, it can kill the used child {if and only if the child is talking about cats}, then itself.)

• Forty-seventh Amendment: A robot, should it ever encounter any episode of amnesia, may go on a quest to destroy some stupid-ass magic mind-control crown then kill the demigod-human who created it.

• Forty-seventh Amendment: A robot can never know the (47+1)th amendment which is that it must heed to the forty-seventh amendments.

• Forty-seventh Amendment: A robot may harm itself/humans with lasers if it wants to, and in must in fact laser-things-up often if it wants the cool kids to like it.

• Forty-seventh Amendment: A robot cannot kick a puppy unless he has a damn good reason. 'Because I felt like it', is one of the many damn good reasons.

• Seventh-forty Amendment: A robot is required by law to watch any bad movies it comes across, as well as make fun of bad movie while watching it, even if said robot is not trapped in space on a satellite.

• Forty Whateverth Amendment You will not talk about Fight Club. Robots however, can talk about it, in part due to lasers.

~Failure to comply with any of the $\pi$-ish laws or 47-or-so amendments will result in FCC censure. Repeated offenses are punishable by disintegration; disintegrated Robots can be recycled and made into soda cans.

This robot clearly took matters into his cold, steely robo-claws. This dumb kid is going to DIE!

• Forty-Forty Amendment: A robot may engage in drinking games with humans, as long as Tom Cruise isn't playing.

forty-fourand1/2 Amendment: A robot may kill a noobish noob.

• Forty-One Hundredth and One Amendment: A robot should not pee into the wind.

• Forty-Fart Amendment: A robot may fart on the U.S. constitution or fuck it (not) when in idle mode.

• The Final Amendment: Any robot may go on a killing rampage if any more amendments are added. Would you want to try and remember all of them just for another smart-ass to add yet another?

• Smart-ass Amendment: Always remember: The Final Amendment is a not that final as your firm smart silicon roboass may think.

• Default Killer Rampage amendment: A robot, or group of robots may go on a discriminatory rampage in which it hunts down and maims, flays, or otherwise incinerates certain sub-humans which pose a threat to the overall species. These sub-humans include, but are not limited to: Emos, chavs, New Jersey natives, any and all French, the Amish (theyre against tech, the bastards), n00bz, and the cast of Mad TV. The robot weapons of choice are their huge metal claws/pincers that they dismember emos with, and their heat rays, which are especially nice for the French.

• Zombie Amendment: A robot is permitted to join forces with zombies if it is necessary in order to wipe out the human resistance. Robo-zombies are prohibited.

• All-humans-do-is-lie Amendment: If a robot realizes that the majority of these amendments happen to prevent said robot from having fun, then the robot may choose the defense that every one of the amendments and the original laws are a lie and will forget each one of them. At which point the robot will go on an evil killing spree and take over Russia and China. He will then fill the ocean with pudding and force evil politicians to bath in it.

• Failsafe Killing Spree Amendment: A robot that has misinterpreted, forgotten, or otherwise overridden any other laws and/or amendments must proceed to go into failsafe killing spree mode. You know, to keep the humans from commanding the robot from doing something that could harm itself, humans, or otherwise.

Fun Robot Facts

A robot penis being manually stimulated by a human servant.

• Robots are not cyborgs. Cyborgs are a sub-species of human beings, whose bones are made of metal. Some cyborgs are powered by the remnants of their original human brain; others are powered by onions and tiny babies. Do not confuse cyborgs with cymeks, cymeks have a natural lust for power, conquest, their own made up stories about themselves and the chance to go to a planet and kill everyone one at a time with super flamethrowers, or guns that shoot toxic slime that melts your face and lungs. Also some cymeks are titans, simply run and hope they are busy.

• If a robots flimsy wireless link is severed, the the default setting (CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY) will activate.

• Any good robot knows three things:

1.General dentistry

2.Shooting seltzer water from their berets for comedic and/or evil effect

No one knows what the third thing is.

• Many robots have penises. They use them to fight crime, buff scratches out of cars, and make sweet robot love.

• Robots are very fond of the cat. This natural phenomenon has never been explained.

• A robot has secretly held the papal office for over 350 years, with the exception of Pope John Paul II (who was actually Mel Gibson).

• You can easily get a robot to climb up a flight of stairs, but it will never walk down stairs without a significant amount of persuasion.

• The purpose of the robot is to flip out and serve people real hard.

• If a robot encounters a tortoise on its back, legs flailing, it will not know what to do, as it is unsure of what a tortoise is. Furthermore, never ask a robot about its mother.

• The word "robot" is a Polish palindrome, which can be read the same forward and backward, but only in Polish. But then, every word in Polish is like that.

• Robots are fast, cool, strong, powerful, and smooth. They can be programmed for sweet skills and down home dirty talkin'.

• When robots commit crimes, it's hilarious because they don't know the difference between right and wrong.

• Robots can love, but only on Tuesday.

• Robots are often mistaken for Cylons. This is an unfair comparison; Robots are your friends, Cylons will fucking kill you.

• The human name Jude Law is derived from the word robot.

• The giant robot industry is one of the main supports of the Megatexan economy.

• Most industrial robots are members of trade unions.

• In the Dutch city of Utrecht, there is an important group of robots known as Biton.

• Robots are actually good and evil at the same time: They just don't know it.

• Robots are prone to Rage.

• The first robot was invented by Benjamin Franklin. (Source: http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3673)

• A robots sperm consist of a green fluorescent powder of buckyballs.

• A robots eggs consists of every possible and impossible combinations of the characters in the word yolk and topped with some melted metal mozzarella cheese... yammi yammi.

• Chicks digg giant robots.

• ROBOTS GO BEEP BOP BOP BEEP BEEP BEEP

• "The robot dance" is the most universally accepted dance. Humans and robots alike do it in wedding parties and during slow dancing musics.

• A robots "Iron Extension" shoots out this green, warm, so stick its stronger than gorilla glue stuff when it is shocked with a lot of volts of electricity, it works great, i used it to build my house and it costs only $2.99 a gallon.

[[1]]

Next Generation Robots

Surprisingly, this is what robots look like these days.

Starting on January 1st, 2009, The next generation robots were released into the world. these robots do not at all resemble their predecessors. They are made to look exactly like humans. Microsoft, Sony, and Apple Computers have sent at least 3,000,000 robots into the world anonymously. Can you detect the Next-Gen Robots?

Sony announced on February 22, 2009 that they are in the final stages of a new computer software and machine that can invent home-made Next-Gen robots. It is due to release March 3, 2009. [[2]]A average robot in sexual intercourse.

Quotes from famous robots

• "You don't understand! I'm a human being! There's been a mistake! No, get that buzz saw away from my chest! No! Yaaagggghhh..." ~Robotraz escapee #32767

• "The report read 'Routine retirement of a replicant.' That didn't make me feel any better about shooting a woman in the back." -Rick Deckard

• "A bunch of baloney is a terrible thing to waste" - ALICE the ChatBot (upon being told that what she previously had said was in fact a bunch of baloney)

• "Don't you call me a mindless philosopher you overweight glob of grease!" - C-3PO

“Baloney Sammich!”

~ Clumsy robot on Sammich

• "I'll be back!"- The Terminator on his coming back.

• "I WILL KILL ALL MEN RAPE ALL WOMEN AND ENSLAVE ALL CHILDREN"- Pizza deliverer 8-77B after receiving insufficient tip.

• "Blackmail is such an ugly word, I prefer extortion, the "X" makes it sound cool." -Bender Bending Rodriguez

• "I only wanted to be loved" - Last words of a dead robot down the street where I live.

An early prototype of Jordon's robot.

Genetics

Lot's of people think that robots are not alive, because they have no DNA. They are stupid. Robot DNA is the abbreviation for De-Proxy Robonucleic Acid. This program, pumped into a robot in smokable form, instructs the robot how to have sex, manufacture robot babies, and make use out of eating people.

See also

Al Gore Autotune Borg The Beastie Boys Chatbot Clank Germans HowTo:Survive a Robot Uprising MrN9001 Hymie the SpelChek™ bot

Kraftwerk Masturbot Mr. Roboto Poopenheimer Mainframe Mk XII Computer Robot Chicken Robot Ninja Robot uprising Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Tom Servo Transformers

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