Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
“Share and Enjoy”
The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation is a truly remarkable company and is responsible for the design and creation of a wide range of products, including depressed robots, smart Happy Vertical People Transporters, automatic doors, ventilation systems, drink dispensers, digital watches, annoying ringtones, palmtop computers and computer operating systems.
Divisions[edit | edit source]
- The Marketing Division is the second largest division of the SCC, and according to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, is made up of "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes." Fortunately, a copy of the Encyclopædia Galactica from a thousand years in the future fell through a time warp in which it describes the marketing division as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first up against the wall when the revolution came".
- The Complaints Division is the largest and only profitable division of the company. The division is so large that it takes up all of the major landmasses on the first three planets in the Sirius Tau system. The theme song for the Complaints division is Share and Enjoy, and has since been adopted by the company itself. The main office building and headquarters for the company was originally built to represent this motto, but due to bad architecture it sank into the ground, killing many talented young complaints associates. In addition to a large Workers' Compensation lawsuit, the downside to this is that the building now read, in the dialect of the planet it was on, "Go Stick Your Head in a Pig." It is now lit only on holidays.
Products[edit | edit source]
The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation produces many notable products popular throughout the universe. They include, but are not limited to:
- Windows RG
- The Nokia tune
- Revolving doors
- Tepperman Radio Commercials
- Blu Ray
- Red Ray
- Commodore 64
- Douglas Adams
- Marvin the tap-dancing horse
- Marvin (original)
- Foghorn Leghorn
- Evil Bill Gates
- The Nutrimatic Drink Dispenser
- A drink that tastes not entirely unlike tea
- Ronald Reagan
- The Space Shuttle
- Quaduple H
In addition, the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation has not been responsible for:
- Windows Vista
- The number 42, though SCC does hold the rights for the number 54.
- Planets (they were unable to compete with the Magratheans and ended up pulling out of the business)
- Energon Cubes
- Terminator Robots
- Sea Nectar
- Hitler Clones
- Talking Toaster
- V2 rockets
- Tony Abbott
The Nutrimatic Drink Dispenser[edit | edit source]
The Nutrimatic Drink Dispenser is one of the company's flagship products. When a person asks for a drink from the Nutrimatic Drink Dispenser, the dispenser probes the customer's taste sensors and pleasure receptors of the brain. Despite its sophisticated artificial intelligence, it always dispenses the same drink: a concoction that tastes "almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea".
It has been said that it is possible to create tea from the Nutrimatic Drink Dispenser, however this consumes the system resources of both the drink dispenser and other systems nearby. In one case, NASA had a system installed on the Space Shuttle, resulting in another delayed shuttle launch. NASA attempted to resolve this problem by requiring astronauts to drink water instead, but the Nutrimatic Drink Dispensor instead malfunctioned and caused the shuttle to crash. For these reasons, NASA no longer buys products from Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
Paranoid robots[edit | edit source]
Another remarkable product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation is the intelligent human-like robot with Genuine People Personalities technology. Like regular humans, it feels human emotions, such as loneliness, fear, depression, pain, and paranoia. Such robots are marketed as "plastic pals that are fun to be with"
Criticism[edit | edit source]
Critics of the company complain about the "fundamental design flaws" in everything the company products. In reality, these flaws are barely noticeable, due to the superficial design flaws. In addition, these superficial design flaws are covered up by the company's marketing division.
The Future[edit | edit source]
The future holds much for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. A merger with Microsoft is very likely in the future, benefiting both companies. However SCC has expressed concerns that its Quality of Product could be adversely effected. However, Bill Gates Has assured he will oversee and 'Captain' the proposed merger; SCC shares continue to fall.
By-products of Designer People[edit | edit source]
In addition, according to Zaphod Beeblebrox, the corporation designed and produced synthetic personalities to order, but they turned out to be the "By-products of Designer People - amalgams of characteristics which simply could not co-exist in naturally occurring life forms". Some of these were dangerous as they did not alarm people to their dangerousness. The starship Billion Year Bunker contained three of these in the hold, on their way to being blasted out of the universe - but one had escaped to Earth, "the man babbling gently about a shining city on a hill".
Connections with The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy[edit | edit source]
Some people have been lead to believe that the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation was responsible for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. This is in fact false, as the Guide was independently owned and later bought out by Vogons. Sirius Cybernetics Corporation did, however, provide many of the technologies used by the Guide, including its security robots and elevators. The security robots are among the finest known in the Universe though they have their shortcomings. Using only a towel and a piece of wire, these robots can completely change their personality and spend more time being happy than actually protecting their users.