User talk:Lantash

Welcome!

Hello, Lantash, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for nooblets:

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If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or add the following: {{help}} to this page along with a message and someone will come along and help you if they can. Again, welcome!  -- 21:32, 2 February 2007 (UTC)

Welcome to UnNews

I moved your UnNews article here because it's not very good. Being new, you got a mercy move instead of an ICU, because I am a kind and benevolent admin. Please read my welcoming drivel below for ideas on how to fix up your article, and how to be a more better UnNews writer too. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 15:25, January 29, 2010 (UTC)

On your knees, worthy one! The Right Reverend Major Sir Zim_ulator blesses you. Your blessings are increasing exponentially. In the name of Sophia, the Church of Uncyclopedia and the Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic, kneel and receive the melding of Zim's holy axe and your wetware. Now go write me a good UnNews article. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 03:48, March 15, 2010 (UTC)

Reverend Zim_ulator says: "There are coffee cup stains on this copy, damnit! Now that's good UnJournalism."

Welcome to UnNews, Lantash, and thank you for contributing some crap, or otherwise attracting my attention. For a quick introduction about how you can write a decent or better UnNews article, please take a minute read our spiffy new Style Guide.

I am your humble servant (in your dreams), and if I may be of help to you, please leave me a note on my talk page.

Good things that can happen to you

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You can win awards and prizes! You can become a better writer by subjecting your articles to the scrutiny of UnNews critique machine or UnCanninator shit article detection system. You can become a thorn in the side of Journalism as a whole. You can get promotions, ribbons, and free crockery! You can write stuff your mom would be ashamed to show her friends.

What happened to my article?

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If you've submitted an article, and it's disappeared, I may have mercy-moved it to your user space. This means I've probably left a message on your talk page, likely in close proximity to this very message, explaining why.

Your article may have been tagged for ICU if it has significant problems meeting our criteria, or I may have deleted it because you did not register as a user.

Finally, maybe you just pissed me off. I mean, I know I'm a Roshi, and I'm supposed to be all "Zen" about everything, but I have bad days too, you know?

UnNews Audio

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If you are interested in doing an UnNews audio, check this out.

UnNews UnFunnies

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At present, I create UnCartoons for UnNews all by my onesies, for better or worse. Now, I will never claim that I am a good cartoonist. Fortunately, the internet provides us a way to do all sorts of things simply and easily. I found Stripgenerator.com, a great site to create cartoons with a minimum of talent.

This document is an ongoing effort by me to enhance the obfuscation coefficient of Uncyclopedia; productive changes, and criticism are welcome. Cheers! The Right and Left Reverend Major Sir Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 17:38, March 28, 2010 (UTC)

Based on real-world event

I guess the point and associated humor might be lost on the reader if it were not appreciated that this refers to a real-world UK event. One in which UK security services basically lost their cool and prosecuted a guy over a trivial comment he made on Twitter. In fact it goes further than that, they may have breached Human Rights legislation in imposing penalties upon him without proper legal process.

In some ways it's a fairly serious political comment on the current state of freedom of speech, or lack of it. That was basically my motivation in writing the piece.

I was half-expecting it to be deleted, but not for the given reason!

BTW this my first pathetic UnNews attempt but I've been contributing trash to Uncyclopedia for a long while. I've even -cough- (hides embarrassment) written a couple of Wikipedia pages. Under a pseudonym, of course. Wouldn't want to admit to that openly. --Lantash 18:06, February 2, 2010 (UTC)

The problems with your story, if you read through my welcoming drivel, is apparent and multi-faceted.

Problems are:

1. Many instances of not following UnNews formatting suggestions,
2. some misspellings
3. some poor grammar
4. meandering, difficult to follow story line
5. writing style is a bit choppy.

May I suggest you submit your next UnNews to Pee Review for possibly a more helpful and detailed guide to why your article is good, bad, or whatever? Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 22:01, February 4, 2010 (UTC)

Don't understand your objections.

The article is a spoof of Reuters report, and the style closely matches that of press-releases on that site.

I can find no spelling mistakes.

In any event I think you are missing the point. This bulk of the text is in the form of direct quotes. It is standard practice in reporting that you do not alter the grammar of direct quotes, since doing so may inadvertently impose your meaning on what was said.

Go read the last para carefully. Never mind what it means to a computer-literate reader like yourself, what is this guy actually thinking he was told?

Anyway, forgotten history now so may as well huff it.

Voidism feature

The Void is thankful. And 'thankful void' is the best kind. Cheers!--Funnybony    07:01, May 27

Infinite thanks from the void.

Lantash!

*huggles ye* ~ Lyrithya *shifty eyes* (words) (actions) -- 20100615 - 21:07 (UTC)

UnNews:Mountain off critical list, should survive

I tried to make your wee article a bit better, hope these are ok. I moved it to UnNews and I think it should be sorted:-)--Sycamore (Talk) 11:02, January 31, 2011 (UTC)

And I removed the hyphen in the title and will do some routine reformatting. Spıke ¬ 12:23 31-Jan-11

There, that's got it. A good story; I hope you'll do more. I did the following:

• Made it look more like news by leading with specifics. Set the story in Glasgow--where the guy was interviewed, not where it happened, and nothing as vague as "the Highlands." Do you realize you omitted the guy's full name? This is how the article should start.
• In "recalled to us," I removed us. What happens to the reporter isn't news; the news is news.
• Removed a bunch of hyphens. "Two words" isn't hyphenated, unless you use a two-word expression as a modifier, as I just did. And hyphens aren't used with verbs that take helpers, such as "pointed-out."
• Fixed the Source. Your source doesn't say who the author was, but bad things seem to happen if you leave the field blank, so I used "Staff."
• Single-quotes is okay when writing about the UK, but you used double-quotes for the quotations, so I made it consistent.

Except for the free English lesson, some of this stuff is in our spiffy Style Guide. See you again soon! Spıke ¬ 12:43 31-Jan-11

UnNews:Global warming satellite failure

Sorry for neglecting this UnNews. If I went in and gave it a {{Date}}, put the dateline in the right format, removed the chatty final paragraph, and put the Sources in the right format, what we would be left with is a story that pours on the advocacy too thick (with "Warmist," "carbon con," and even the New World Order). The Style Guide--you did read it, didn't you?--concedes that everyone has personal opinions, and I happen to agree with you that the global warming movement is a con--but you can't make stories look like news when the bias is so overt. Spıke ¬ 12:57 7-Mar-11

UnNews:Historical screenplay slammed for lack of ethnic diversity

FIX IT PLEASE. The dateline is wrong, our lead paragraphs aren't bolded, the quotation marks need to be italic so they don't float away from the text, and the Source needs to be real, using {{Source}}. Details are in our spiffy Style Guide. Thank you. 11:45 16-Mar-11 And two of your categories don't exist. Spıke ¬ 11:47 16-Mar-11

Thanks for the edits. In addition, I fixed the misspelling "Riech" and the substitution of Australian for Austrian. I think that gratuitous errors hurt the superficial impression that this is "real news" more than they add laughs. Spıke ¬ 12:20 16-Mar-11

Nice work on a topical subject....certainly made me smile... -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

If you think it's topical, it gets the 1-Spot on the Front Page. Spıke ¬ 12:48 16-Mar-11

Was aware of the sensitivity of the subject (Nazi atrocities, that is) and wasn't even sure if I should write it, but couldn't resist a poke at the political correctness squad. This seemed the most preposterous option for an ethnically-challenged screenplay. Do you think it's OK or likely to offend? --Lantash 14:48, March 16, 2011 (UTC)

Compared to the rest of the day's UnNews fare? Are you serious? That was the least of my concerns. The Nazi atrocities occurred 70 years ago, and the subject of your UnNews is indeed Pee Cee and not so much Nazism. Spıke ¬ 14:56 16-Mar-11

Yeah....I really can't see why it has to be an either/or, its both more than OK and delightfully offensive. That's Double Win in my book... ;) -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

UnNews:Microsoft admits: Nobody understands software licenses

Thanks for your UnNews! Redmond is not in Seattle but ten miles east and both are in Washington State. I changed this and tweaked your lead to completely identify Ballmer in the first sentence. Am going to change the headline, as "license" is the US spelling (as you use it in the story) and you are reporting on a US company. Spıke ¬ 12:57 22-Apr-11

PS--It will read more like news if you give names for the people you are quoting. (We don't care if you make them up.) Spıke ¬ 13:00 22-Apr-11

UnNews:Google plaintiffs accused of violating a patent

I had to re-title this. The original headline was utterly unremarkable. Of course patent-holder sues to get millions in patent suit. That's what they do. 13:18 24-Apr-11 PS--Have copy-edited this a little. The patent office isn't in Texas; lawsuits are "filed," not "enacted," etc. Spıke ¬ 13:34 24-Apr-11

That is a better title. The 'Google hit with second payout' one looked more dramatic but doesn't make sense. --Lantash 14:00, April 24, 2011 (UTC)

Drama is my middle name--but then I went on to read the UnNews completely. I think part of what you are doing is ridiculing lawsuit-English, but that made it harder to read. I turned around the lead paragraph to simplify things and featured it in the 4-Spot on the Front Page. Spıke ¬ 14:27 24-Apr-11

UnNews about hats

I moved it on the front page, nice UnNews! I'm kind of the UnNews janitor. I moved the UnNews to UnNews:Hats: The Space Age fashion trend since "space-age" is a mistake. Hope you don't want to kill me for doing so! Mattsnow 21:30, September 23, 2011 (UTC)

Considering the hyphenated version is used by the BBC and is in the Merriam-Webster, I'd say that it's perfectly correct.

The hyphen defines the compound adjective as separate from the noun it modifies. Without it, we could be referring to "space age-fashion" which would have a totally different meaning. Older astronauts wearing different styles, perhaps?

I'm not too worried if you want to change it, but I make the point that my version is grammatically correct, at least by UK standards. --Lantash 17:27, September 24, 2011 (UTC)

Point taken Lantash, I am not too familiar with the profound subtleties of the English language, my maternal language being French, but I learn everyday on this fine website. I'll be less of an imbecil when I go to bed tonight. I also moved your UnNews (UnNews:Police seize pens disguised as guns) on the Front Page. I laughed and I think I wet my pants, but I had to do the laundry anyway, so don't feel sorry. I hope to read more of your articles soon! Mattsnow 14:15, September 30, 2011 (UTC)

Hi! Please let me update the front page template Lantash, I know your UnNews are great, and don't worry I check the new ones everyday! Thanks. Mattsnow 11:49, February 25, 2012 (UTC)

OK, My itchy fingers are off. Go ahead. --Lantash 11:51, February 25, 2012 (UTC)

Done. Good one man, it's always good to have UnNews from you! Mattsnow 11:54, February 25, 2012 (UTC)

The Pea Buddy Awards

WOW! A brand new UnNews competition and we need you! Either prepare yourself mentally for the severity of the trials (don't sign up just yet, you cheat!) or commit your soul as a judge right now. May the Lord shine his blessings upon thee! Mattsnow 18:36, March 23, 2012 (UTC)

UnNews:Wind farms are solution to global warming

Greetings, Mate! Because "Wind Farms" being operated by engines to blow wind, rather than the other way around, is a great joke - Congratulations! Because it is a single joke it seems like an ideal for a much shorter UnNews report. Now as you point out it deserves to be on the front page, this time as an UnNews, so I hope you will vote  For.. I'll be happy to call it a collab and share the FA with you. Hopefully we might even have more collabs. Cheers! Funnybony    21:15, Jun 19

HowTo:Build a Paper Empire

I have added a number of extra images to your article which is up for main feature. I trust you will drop by and vote for it! --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 15:33, July 6, 2012 (UTC)

It has now been featured and you missed the party! --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 08:47, July 8, 2012 (UTC)

Nah, he vote! You miss him! He too fast for you! He like ninja! *gong sound* ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Jul 8 '12 12:42 (UTC)

Thx for images Romartus, they fit in well. --Lantash (talk) 16:58, July 9, 2012 (UTC)

HowTo:Insulate your loft

Love it! But I totally wish you would find a way to shoehorn in some jokes about what a bitch fiberglass is to get out of your skin. I hear pantyhose is good for that. No joke. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Jul 8 '12 7:31 (UTC)

Might have a think about that aspect. Good point. --Lantash (talk) 16:59, July 9, 2012 (UTC)

I see you wrote a great one about the Tour!

I put it on the front page. I did write one too, how do you like it? :P UnNews:Uncharismatic cyclist wins Tour de France in boring fashion Mattsnow 00:27, July 23, 2012 (UTC)

Yes I saw that, had a good laugh. BTW I'd have waited rather than putting-up a competing article but this is once-only news so it had to be now. --Lantash (talk) 08:23, July 23, 2012 (UTC)

No problem, the more the better! It was a good Tour, but the race for the overall was kinda boring; Wiggins was just too strong in the time trials. But I don't hate him at all, even though he took a shellacking in the article. He is a charismatic guy, I saw some interviews :P Mattsnow 08:51, July 23, 2012 (UTC)

I couldn't help eavesdropping here. I also liked the article, and decided to vandalise it by adding a huge template at the top of it which links here. Nominally Humane! 09:09 23 Jul

Hey

Users are digging your Nouvelle cuisine. I've also gone over your unnews articles. Fabulous stuff. You should write more :) --ShabiDOO