User:Lantash/Majority of Twitter users are Terrorists.

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23 January 2010

UK Special Forces uncover massive terrorist plot using Twitter.[edit | edit source]

I knew it as soon as I saw your nude pic on the scanner.. another dastardly Twitter user!

Reuters Jan 22 2010 - An update from the UK discloses that the recent arrest and torture of a conspirator named only as 'Mr C' in relation to a plan to blow up Robin Hood Airport was only the tip of a giant iceberg.

Investigators now believe that the majority of Twitter users are engaged in terrorism of some sort or other.

As evidence of this, the anti-terrorist squad quote examples such as the pornographer who posted detailed online plans for improvised equipment used, as he put it, "To blow up a rubber lady." Exactly why this individual should harbour such hatred for staff working in the rubber industry is uncertain. Nevertheless, this was clearly a poorly-disguised attempt to test the physiological effects on the human form of an IED intended for terrorist use.

Then, there is the radio enthusiast who openly admitted online that he had carried a gun onto a plane. The gun was described as being, "For soldiering" or some such similar purpose. When quizzed about this somewhat-unusual gun's mode of operation, the owner would only say that it involved molten metals and flux. From this, anti-terrorism investigators have deduced that it most likely relies-on a shaped-charge projectile, accelerated to hypersonic velocity by way of a magnetic field. Clearly an innovative and extremely advanced weapon, and its discovery underlines the need to be constantly on the lookout for any unusual or mysterious pieces of hi-tech.

Another case involved a woman who freely admitted having taken drugs (acetylsalicylic acid, 500mg) before boarding a plane. Her excuse that 'She had a headache' only earned her a heavier beating by interrogators.

Most serious though, was the series of tweets by the owner of a recycling firm, who described the bins used by his operatives to collect and process waste. His admission that some of these were 'Laden with valuable raw materials' was considered key evidence of his connection with an insurgency.

"In spite of the seriousness of these findings, the public are advised to remain calm and go about their normal business without undue panic. We have fully appraised the situation, and even now, special agents are preparing to close-in on the ringleaders and shut down what must be one of the world's largest terrorist groups. That is, once they have figured-out what this 'Twitter' thing is, anyway."

Meanwhile, a poster using the handle of "Al" was interrogated for twenty-seven hours, after which he finally admitted his that second name is, indeed, "Quaida." His ticket was exchanged for one to Guantanamo.

Public protest finally erupted over these crackdowns when a celebrity Twitterer who gave her name as "Britney Jean" was forbidden to board a plane on the grounds that her passport, "Gave an identification which suggested the ownership of multiple sharp-edged objects."

Steps taken to combat the menace include the banning of anyone who has ever visited Twitter from Doncaster Airport. Furthermore, all iPhones are now being confiscated at the airport entrance, to ensure that they are not used to contact fellow conspirators on Twitter.

Those incredibly knowledgeable analysts of human behavior at Wikipedia have an article about Losing the Plot.

A security spokesperson who gave his name as 'Gaius Julius' pointed out, "These measures may be unpopular but they are essential to the survival of the human race. Remember, they are watching us. They are everywhere, and you even need to be careful what you think about, because I'm told that if they have their iPhones turned on, then they can read people's thoughts on most subjects."