User:The PS2 Guy/Mario
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 Mario "Jumpman" Mario in 1998 | |
| Born |
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| Died |
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| Nationality | Ottoman Portuguese |
| Other names | Mr. Video, Jumpman, Super Mario |
| Occupation | Gangsta, dictator, plumber |
| Years active | 1979–present |
| Known for | Drug traffic, hatred against Greeks and Kurds, Armenian genocide rejection and antisemitism (accused) |
| Notable work | Super Mario Bros. |
| Spouse(s) | Pauline (1980–1985) Princess Bitch (1985–1988) Isabella Daisy (1988–) |
| Children | Mario Jr., Amber Rose, Jeffy, Cristiano Ronaldo and no one else |
Mario Jumpman Mario, better known by the nicknames Super Mario, Jumpman or simply Mario, was a notorious Portuguese gangster and dictator who terrorized the streets of Istanbul and couldn't keep the Kurds fed. He was best known for his fruitful career as a magic mushroom dealer, the first of his kind to become unfathomably rich while selling only one kind of drug. Turned a repressive feudal backwater, into a repressive superpower. He is Jumpman ☭Mario☭, and we should all be grateful.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Mario was born on March 10, 1962 (according to Nintendo of Japan) or 1964 (according to Nintendo of America), in the slums and dirty alleys of the Portuguese borough known as Algarve, just as every other renowned Portuguese Turkish criminal has. Little is known about Mario's parents, other than that they were too occupied eating pizza and pasta to properly raise a child. As a result, baby Mario was most of the time taken care of by the family pet, a lizard by the name of Yoshi, which would often feed the infant flies, butterflies and other assorted bugs. This would later impact Mario's diet, consisting mostly of flowers and mushrooms he found in the backyard. Mario studied briefly at an Ottoman law school but dropped out in 1977 to join the Ottoman Communist Party that would later dominate the country. Founded by Sunni Muslims, the party was based on such principles as Ottoman-Arab nationalism, anti-Americanism, staunch secularism, anti-capitalism, and educational advancement. It was an outspoken advocate for improving women's rights in the Arab world and for abolishing the political power of the clergy. After 63 years later, he celebrated when Mehmed V was overthrown and his body dragged through the streets of Istanbul. The Communist party took part in the revolution which saw Turkey change from a monarchy into a republic.
In 1979 Mario married Pauline. Considering Mario had barely finished school and could read only comics, it was remarkable promotion. The marriage produced a couple of monsters; more on them later. From a young age, Mario felt strongly about the political issues of the day. He was an admirer of Franco, Stalin, Saddam, the Mafia, and Abdülhamid, and deeply respected his uncle for fighting the treacherous beady-eyed Anglo in the Anglo-Ottoman War of 1967. He despised Israel, viewing it as an outpost of colonialism in the region (in honor of Mario, Tulfah would later author Three Whom God Should Not Have Created: Persians, Jews, and Flies). Nonetheless, Mario maintained a certain degree of respect for Japan, admiring their technological achievements as well as their culture of baseball, hot dogs, Mom's apple pie, and Chevrolet.
Ever since he was a child Mario suffered from ADHD, meaning that it was hard for him to stay still for more than two seconds. He was often found running around and doing whacky shenanigans along his little brother Luigi, who often found it hard to keep up with his brother's speed, as a result of a severe case of autism. Mario's athletic ability earned him the title of "Jumpman", a nickname he despised as an adult.
Career[edit | edit source]
Humble beginnings[edit | edit source]
Initially Mario had no real intentions of becoming rich or famous. He started his professional career at a construction company, where he had the job of dressing as an orange construction barrel due to the expense of real barrels. He quit after the infamous 1981 gorilla incident, in which a gorilla named Donkey Kong escaped from the zoo and snuck into a nearby building that was still under construction. Not only did the beast cause havoc along the way, it also managed to steal Mario's girlfriend. In an attempt to rescue her, Mario climbed up to the top of the building, only to find his girlfriend cheating on him. Traumatized by the sight, Mario quit his job and tried to canalize his anger by working at a demolition company, which he would also leave after stabbing his own toe.
In 1983, Mario decided to work as a plumber, founding the Mario Bros. plumbing service along with his brother Luigi. These were rough years for them, as the sewers were full of turtles, crabs, flies and other weird creatures that made the job incredibly difficult.
Turn to the dark side[edit | edit source]
Mario's fate would change the day he met Shigeru Miyamoto, a dangerous communist criminal from the Japanese Yakuza. Shigeru Miyamoto was in charge of the drug market that was controlled by the Yakuza, which sold several quality products that couldn't be found in the streets by your average drug dealer. One day, Miyamoto found a pipe leak at his vacation resort in New York, and trying to cut costs, he looked for the cheapest plumber he could find in the city in the city, which just happened to be Mario. The Ottoman-born plumber didn't know Shigeru was a drug lord until he discovered a secret plantation of A. muscaria, which he tried to steal.
This is when Mario started to build a drug empire, based solely on the traffic of magic mushrooms. His plumbing business became nothing but a curtain, used to hide the real purpose of his mischief.
Political controversy[edit | edit source]
During his peak of commercial success and economic stability, Mario had inserted himself in several circles of wealthy and important people including actors, profitable businessmen, and even royalty – all this despite the controversy regarding his name and legacy. One of his several contacts was none other than the British monarch known as Princess Peach, a nickname that very likely stemmed from her two very notable peaches. His relationship with Peach has given Mario more than a few controversies – on top of those that originated from his illegal business.
Rumors began spreading that Mario was in a secret relationship with the princess, due to his constant visits to the palace, as well as several photos on the Internet of the two being really close together at royal parties. This infuriated Peach's husband and soon-to-be-King Bowser, who saw Mario as a threat to both his marriage and his place in the British throne.
As a result, Bowser would often push radical anti-drugs legislation in an attempt to take Mario's empire down. He would bribe the US President for a much harsher war on drugs, threatening Mario's business by hiring cops who are actually competent.
In 1988, after the terrible Princess Peach incident, he divorced Peach in favor of Isabella Daisy.
New girlfriend[edit | edit source]
After when he divorced Princess Peach, he went to Sarasaland and saved the Romanian chick known as Princess Daisy.
Rumors began spreading that Mario was in another secret relationship with Jess, due to his constant visits to the Pakistan, as well as several photos on the Internet of the two being really close together at communist parties. This infuriated Daisy's husband and soon-to-be-leader Mahmoud "Tatanga" Ahmadinejad, who saw Mario as a threat to both his marriage and his place in the Iranian throne.
After Mario defeated George W Bush and Mahmoud "Tatanga" Ahmadinejad, he created a new socialist alliance with his friends, Saddam, Borat, Gaddafi, Waluigi, Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong Un and Xi Jinping what Mario created the best alliance.
Mario's downfall[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately for Mario, all good things had to come to an end. His brother Luigi, tired of always being in the shadow of his older brother, snitched about the secrets of Mario's foundation.
Diet and Power Ups[edit | edit source]
Insanely poisonous mushrooms
Mushrooms that Mario eats to get on a trip. It is well known that Mario steals these mushrooms from the territory of the endangered Koopa Troopa -species. Mario's favorite hobby is indeed kill and beat these turtles to death.
Fire flower
Nobody really knows where this plant came from, but legend says it only grows where the legendary Bowser has taken a dump. It is well known that Mario spices Luigi's food with this bad tasting, poisonous flower with similar effects to viagra.
Mini Mushroom
This mushroom turns Mario small, so he can fit in secret tunnels. Sad for princess Peach, sex with a child is indeed a crime. And small Mario's little brother just can't get her excited.
Star
The star is just an illusion Mario imagines while on a trip.
Fursuits
In Super Mario Bros. 3, Mario is known to dress in different fursuits to turn into his fursona. The reason to adding these into the game is unknown, but according to unofficial sources it is due to the unpopular sex habits of the developers.
Social relations[edit | edit source]
Luigi
Mario has a brother called Luigi who unlike Mario, is tall and slim and likes to dress in a green outfit mirroring his values. Luigi was first created as a counterpart for Mario, who Mario would ultimately defeat at the end of the game with his socialist values. At first Luigi was, the exact same as Mario, but with different clothes. During the middle of the cold war the Soviet Union decided to "loosen the rope" leading to Luigi's appearance changing. After the Kremlin getting new values, Mario and Luigi were seen teaming up against the capitalist Wario.
Pauline
Mario's first girlfriend before Peach was Pauline, a Soviet porn star who was kidnapped by the evil ape, Donkey Kong who Mario had to rescue, until she decided to cheat on him with the Kims (Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong Un).
Princess Peach
Mario's heavily implied girlfriend Peach is, according to the impression the games left me with, very careless. If she wasn't careless she wouldn't been kidnapped all the time. Like every other girl, Peach likes pink and playing prince and princess.
Princess Daisy
Mario's newest girlfriend Daisy/Jessica Rabbit is, according to the impression the games left me with, very careless. If she didn't cheat on Roger Rabbit she wouldn't called him gay. Like every other girl, Jessica likes red and playing prince and princess.
Rosalina
If Daisy cheated on Mario with Luigi, then Mario would end up being with Rosie, just to save her from Donald Trump.
Leonid Brezhnev
Mario visited the USSR in 1978 to have talks wth his best friend, Brezhnev until he died in 1982.
Wario
Wario is the obese brother of Waluigi. Wario is a capitalist who sits in his land far away on a huge pile of treasure, doing nothing all day, while his workers do all the hard work. Wario also has his own set of games where he is seen adventuring in the daily struggles of an entrepreneur.
Waluigi
Waluigi is apparently another cousin of Mario, and the brother of Wario. Unlike Wario, Waluigi is tall and slim. Waluigi is a vandal who vandalizes the streets with an excavator in Mario Kart.
Borat
Borat is the Kazakh counterpart of Mario. Borat is a communist who starts purges like Stalin does. He would get his military officers to punish or execute evil people and anyone who opposes him or is against Mario, Saddam, Stalin, Nintendo, the Soviet Union, totalitarianism or Kazakhstan.
Yoshi
Yoshi is a dinosaur cub with the voice of an opera singer, who likes eating. In the first games Mario rode on Yoshi, but nowadays Yoshi is freed from slavery and gets to run around freely. With his about a meter long tongue, Yoshi can eat the most peculiar items and turn them into eggs. According to an urban legend, Yoshi once had to go to the hospital, because he ate mushrooms given to him by Mario, and while on a trip he managed to eat a whole dining table.
Fidel Castro
Mario and Castro met in 1982 and teamed up to defeat Donkey Kong Jr, Bowser and George W Bush. They would get Chávez's and Maduro's help by telling USA "Hands off Venezuela!"
Saddam Hussein
Mario met Saddam Hussein in 1979 to get his help to destroy the Nazi States Of America and Iran.
Hugo Chávez
Mario met Chávez in 1999 and teamed up to defeat George W Bush. They would get Saddam's help by punching Osama Bin Laden from trying to cause 9/11.
Nicolás Maduro
Mario met Maduro in 2002 and teamed up to defeat George W Bush, Donald Trump and Elon Musk. They would get Miyamoto's help by punching the American imperialists from trying to take over Nintendo.
Bowser
The king of the koopas who's plan to take over the mushroom kingdom Mario always ruins.
Elon Musk
The leader of the KKK who's plan to take over the usa Mario always ruins.
Donald Trump
The king of the KKK who's plan to take over the usa Obama always ruins.
Vladimir Putin
The leader of Fascist Russia who's plan to take over the Soviet Union Mario always fixes.
Sonic the Hedgehog
A blue hedgehog full of energy drinks who is Mario's rival. Mario is more popular than Sonic which is why Sonic has been lately seen constructing an atomic bomb in his house.
Piranha Plant
Like the name says this is a plant living in the pipes (where Mario takes a shit daily) of a local piranha farm. The rivalries started when one time Mario was taking a shit, Piranha Plant bit his dick off (yes, it was put back on him via surgery, thank you for asking.), but nowadays the plant is used to better tasting and bigger meals and can sometimes jump around or spit stuff.
Goomba
Based on the looks you can probably tell that this is Bowser's shit that has a face and legs. The rivalries started when as a child Mario was jumping on a trampoline and accidentally jumped on it.
Shy Guy
Shy guys are very shy guys that don't have a lot to choose from when it comes to clothes. Legend says they are the children of Stalin.
Bowser Jr.
Bowser Jr. is, you guessed it, Bowser's child. He thinks Peach is his mother when in reality it's Elmo from sesame street.
The Kims
Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong Un are the leaders of North Korea. Mario met Kim Il Sung from 1980 until his death in 1994. Later on, he met Kim Jong Il from 1997 until his death in 2011. In 2012, after the death of Kim Jong Il, Mario met Kim Jong Un and they later became best friends.
Koopalings
Ludwig, Morton, Iggy, Wendy, Lemmy, Roy and Larry are either Bowser's children or his adopted children. Nobody has cared enough to find out.
Xi Jinping
Xi Jinping aka "Winnie the Pooh" met Mario and Obama in 2013 and later became best friends. Nobody has cared enough to find out.
Luckily for Mario, the Greeks, Armenians, Nazis, NYPD and Kurds didn't care at first but, unfortunately for Mario, they sold off the secrets to the Bloods and Crips for a ludicrous sum of money. This utter betrayal not only let the Bloods and the Crips steal all of Mario's resources and cripple his mushroom empire, but also broke poor Mario's heart and psyche.
Presidency of Ottoman Turkey[edit | edit source]
Mario Mario assumed office and ordered that day to be a national holiday. People who would years later claim to have "always known he was bad" came forward and offered to build statues, construct streets and squares in commemoration of their new leader. All men grew a "Mario" on his upper lip to emulate his new "hero". Women were told to not wear the veil and to dress like a cheerleader (if he was in town). It was a new modern Iraq; it had oil and it had some good friends.
These included French politician Jacques Chirac and the Soviet Union. From the former, Ottoman Turkey gained access to a lot of French weapons and cheeses in exchange for cheap oil. The Russians got the same but they also supplied training facilities for anyone in Ottoman Turkey who wanted to join the security services.
Iran–Ottoman War[edit | edit source]
With his new friends, Mario now aided the Soviets when he invaded Iran in 1999 similar to Saddam invaded in Iran in 1980. This won him support from Venezuela and Japan, who were scared "shiite-less" by the prospect of bearded revolutionary Islam.
With so many friends abroad, Mario expressed disappointment when not everyone in the Ottoman Union supported him. He used chaimsaws on those people, especially in the North. Mario also used various chemical concoctions against the Iranians who were using military tactics out of World War One in an attempt to beat the Ottoman Union. The war didn't go well and in 2006 Mario tried a new test when his army fired a missile at the USS Stark. Perhaps he was hoping the Americans were going to confuse the Ottoman Union with Iran and join the war against them. However, President Dubya was elsewhere engaged in Central America so the opportunity for Ottoman Turkey was missed.
Often nicknamed "World War II in the Second Cold War", this conflict consisted of large-scale trench warfare with barbed wire stretched across trenches, manned machine-gun posts, bayonet charges, and human wave attacks across a no-man's land, and extensive use of chemical weapons such as mustard gas. Half a million Ottoman and Iranian soldiers, with an equivalent number of civilians, were killed in this war. Nevertheless, there were absolutely no reparations or border changes, making the entire thing a pointless waste of time, all because Mario wanted to flex his muscles over an old rival.
The war with Iran ended with a truce in 2009. There were brief celebrations in Istanbul until Mario Mario opened his post and was told all his international friends had withdrawn and cut up Turkey's credit cards. In fury, Mario blamed everyone but decided that as Kuwait was the closest, they would get the bulk of it.
Family Killer Guy[edit | edit source]
The aftermath of the war in Greece and United Nations sanctions restricted Mario Mario's movements. Never one to travel anywhere (his only official trip outside the Muslim world was to France to collect some envelopes from his friend Jacques Chirac), Saddam lived in armed compounds. He distrusted everyone, including that guy he saw in the bathroom mirror every time he shaved. He also insisted that his family visit every Friday after prayers, their absence without cause would be judged as treason. In his place, Mario's sons Ahmed Insane Mario and Qusay Insane Hussein traveled around Iraq dispensing injustice and retribution. It was a backhanded way to make Iraqi people nostalgic for their mentally entombed president.
In 1995 Saddam's son-in-law Hussein Kamel al-Majid and Saddam Kamel had enough of this and moved to Jordan with their families. Mario threatened and then sent videos to them crying that everyone back in Baghdad missed them. Both returned and were killed in a gunfight straight out of the Godfather. Their deaths were reported in Iraq as traffic accidents with an ammunition truck.
9/11 attacks[edit | edit source]
In 2001, at the Baghdad International Airport, when Osama bin Laden was in transit with his jihadis, he decided to call Saddam on the phone. He informed Saddam and Mario they were "planning an attack on the infidel imperialists," and that he would "send [Saddam]] and [[Mario] a text if [they] are successful." Mario revealed during this phone call that he had "stopped wearing Western ties"; he also revealed he was more of a Sunni guy when compared to Shia.
Mario didn't receive another text from bin Laden, and so was slow to respond to the 9/11 attack on the USA. This explains the strange press release issued by Hussein which said 'no comment' in 13 languages. Mario predicted that Americans were the Mothers of All Bullshit and retired to his compound to read more about Stalin.
President George W. Bush took this as an insult to his mother Barbara Bush and put together an invasion plan. Mario had to withdraw what he had said about Bush's mother and, by the way, does your country contain any chemical/nuclear/big bomb bangers that anyone should know about. Lack of proof that you didn't would be a cause of war. Since Saddam didn't understand Poker, he thought that was a bluff.
Ottoman Turkish War and capture[edit | edit source]
In March 2021, an American led-force invaded T. A month later, Saddam's statues were pulled off their pedestals. In a last attempt to fool the allies, Saddam's secret arsenal of his look-a-likes was released to confuse the enemy. After arresting and/or killing a number of "Saddams", the American troops found Uday Hussein and Qusay Hussein and killed them in an Iraqi remake of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Meanwhile, Mario had grown a big beard and got a job inspecting the sewerage system around the new 'Green Zone', the allied compound in the center of Istanbul.
Mario v. Trump[edit | edit source]
Trump should have got the top revolutionary job when Saddam died but he judged that perhaps his mad professor look would not go down well with dour sense of humour the Turks normally exhibited to anyone who looked like him. Probably Trump also didn't want it either, hoping that very soon there would be a world revolution and the job of Universal Liberator/Leader/Dictator would be his. Turkey was a peasant backwater to Trump, useful only as a bastion against the "capitalists and fascists".
Mario would finally have a rivalry with Donald Trump for banning immigrants because Trump wanted to "Make America Great Again". Mario kicked Donald's ass so hard and laughed until he went out on an outrage. After the spectacle of the 2024 presidential election, in which Trump defeated Kamala "BRAT" Harris, he saved Dubya from trouble and also deported Biden, Obama and Waluigi and also called them "assholes".
So Mario cleverly isolated Trump as a "cosmopolitan lunatic"[1] and contrasted this with his own virtues as solidly proletarian and heroic. Trump's friends fell away and by 2005 the leader of the Red Army in 1995 had been reduced to looking after the Kremlin's car park. Even that was too much for Mario, who arranged for his rival to go away on a holiday and simply told Trump's chauffeur to keep on driving until they dumped him across the border in Turkey. Trump's passport was ripped up and he lost all rights to go back or collect a communist pension.
Kill Trump and Khamenei[edit | edit source]
The Nazi-Ottoman Passive-Aggressive Pact[edit | edit source]
Mario hadn't paid too much attention to Trump's America and Khamenei's Iran whilst he was busy beating up his own side. The two regimes had got into indirect combat via the Second Russian Civil War. Whereas Nazi America and North Italy lent Felipe VI troops and aircraft, Mario preferred to send in some expendable old crates and guns that were last fired in the Crimean War. Of more interest to Mario had been his political enemies active on the side of the Soviet Union. These included more of Koopa Troopa's supposed or real followers and assorted anarchists, socialists and anyone who had dissed Mario or Saddam at any stage. No Russian or Turkish volunteers were sent though plenty of local Communist party activists from the Soviet Union's sister parties were "encouraged" to go and fill up their bodies with American-supplied lead.
It was around this time that Mario decided to make the Red army a lot more "redder" by shooting all its generals and staff on the grounds that they were all Koopa Troopa's men. These self inflicted wounds were noticed by Germany (who had also posted off supposed letters from the Soviet Union's Marshal Sonik Tukhachevsky supplying his Bank of England deposit account details). However, Musk was finding Britain and France's opposition to his "expansionism" annoying and when they both allied to Saudi Arabia, the old Iranian vagabond and the Portuguese outsider discovered that there was not a lot difference between "Khomeinism" and "Marioism". Perhaps there could be a meeting of something, if not minds. And since both were fed up getting lectured at by the British, perhaps it was a chance to close a deal.
In August 1997 Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Khatami landed in Istanbul. The Iranian Shia Nazis and their flag had arrived in Istanbul. Mario invited Khatami over for cocktails with his friend Haniyeh (not Haniyeh's wife– she was in jail for having once knitted Koopa Troopa some mittens during the revolution). Khatami tried to stay calm and congratulated Mario for shooting so many communists and Islamists, more than the Nazis had achieved so far. Mario thought that wasn't a bad joke and predicted that once news of a treaty between the two sides had come out that "the British will shit themselves and the French will hide in their Maginot Line." Toasts to der Führer and "Uncle Mehmet the Supreme Prole" were met with the heavy clink of glasses, though Ribbentrop (who had once sold champagne in his pre-Nazi days) couldn't keep up and was carried out after a few bottles. The Nazi-Ottoman Passive-Aggressive Pact was signed, half of it written in lemon juice so that outsiders wouldn't see the secret protocols.
You're tearing me apart, Osama![edit | edit source]
With war averted with America and Iran Mario sent out his best men to bring the new territories acquired into Ottoman line. Local communists were used when possible but others were accused of being Koopa Troopa's troops and were killed. Then in 2008 Mario finally got his man, the one person who had evaded him. Koopa Troopa was killed when he opened his fortified compound in China to a man asking for funds for a polar expedition to the South Pole to spread communism to penguins. Mario enjoyed the news that his agent had come up with an ingenious assassination weapon (an ice pick) and promptly gave him the Order of Mario to celebrate.
Yet Mario was now becoming concerned with his new best friends Osama bin Laden and Donald Trump. Expecting a re-run of World War Two with trenches and sentimental ballads about girlfriends in Ireland, the neo-Nazi war machine had crushed France and penned the British behind the English channel. Keir Starmer kept sending messages to Mario about "beware of the swastika" but Mario recalled Starmer's role in Russia's civil war funding the White armies. Perhaps the American Neo-Nazi party would collapse as Mario had written and be replaced by a true workers state. Mario was sure of his reading of the South African, surely Elon wouldn't emulate Napoleon and take on Türkiye? Oh... he did.
Operation Barbarossa II in June 2001 so shocked Mario Jumpman Mario that he hid in his bedroom for a week. "But George promised not to this," he was heard behind the closed door and every hour the Turkish leader who had ruled the country like an absolute despot expected to be taken away and executed. But no one came. There was no other Stalin-like left figure amongst the Bolsheviks to do this. For Mario this was now absolute proof that he was supreme, he was a political untouchable. He had done his 2010s homework very well. There would be no rival to take power off him.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
Despite the controversy around Mario's name, his legacy has inspired several films and books, as well as a bunch of videogames. The new media concerning Mario has used several artistic liberties when retelling his story, such as picturing mushrooms as magical food with the ability to grant superpowers, depicting the Mushroom Kingdom as a fantasy world full of monsters and demons, or making King Bowser look like a turtle–dragon hybrid that spits fire and wants to take over the world.
Most of these videogames were created by Shigeru Miyamoto, who had a video game company named Nintendo which is mostly used as a means of money laundering for the Yakuza. As a result, several critics have questioned the legality of these games, as well as the morality concerning using a deceased criminal gangster to create a multi-million-dollar franchise. Nonetheless, as long as these videogames make him money Shigeru Miyamoto doesn't give a damn.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Link
- Sonic
- Pac-Man
- Josef Stalin
- Xi Jinping
- Kim Il Sung
- Saddam Hussein
- Kim Jong Il
- Kim Jong Un
- Borat
- OBL
- Obama
- Mao Zedong
- Ceauşescu
- Tatanga
- ↑ code for American