User:The PS2 Guy/Mario
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 Mario in 2025 | |
| Born |
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| Died |
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| Nationality | Portuguese, Turco-Soviet |
| Other names | Mr. Video, Jumpman, Super Mario |
| Occupation | Gangsta, plumber |
| Years active | 1979–present |
| Known for | Drug traffic, hatred against Greeks, Armenians and Kurds |
| Notable work | Super Mario Bros. |
| Spouse(s) | Pauline (1980–1985) Princess Bitch (1985–1988) |
| Children | Mario Jr., Amber Rose, Jeffy, Cristiano Ronaldo and no one else |
Mario Jumpman Mario, better known by the nickname Super Mario or simply Mario, was a notorious Turco–Soviet gangster who terrorized the streets of Chișinău. He was best known for his fruitful career as a magic mushroom dealer, the first of his kind to become unfathomably rich while selling only one kind of drug.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Mario was born on March 10, 1964, in the slums and dirty alleys of the Portugal in the Ottoman Union occupied eating pizza and pasta to properly raise a child. As a result, baby Mario was most of the time taken care of by the family pet, a lizard by the name of Yoshi, which would often feed the infant flies, butterflies and other assorted bugs. This would later impact Mario's diet, consisting mostly of flowers and mushrooms he found in the backyard.
Ever since he was a child Mario suffered from ADHD, meaning that it was hard for him to stay still for more than two seconds. He was often found running around and doing whacky shenanigans along his little brother Luigi, who often found it hard to keep up with his brother's speed, as a result of a severe case of autism. Mario's athletic ability earned him the title of "Jumpman", a nickname he despised as an adult.
Career[edit | edit source]
Humble beginnings[edit | edit source]
Initially Mario had no real intentions of becoming rich or famous. He started his professional career at a construction company, where he had the job of dressing as an orange construction barrel due to the expense of real barrels. He quit after the infamous 1981 gorilla incident, in which a gorilla named Donkey Kong escaped from the zoo and snuck into a nearby building that was still under construction. Not only did the beast cause havoc along the way, it also managed to steal Mario's girlfriend. In an attempt to rescue her, Mario climbed up to the top of the building, only to find his girlfriend cheating on him. Traumatized by the sight, Mario quit his job and tried to canalize his anger by working at a demolition company, which he would also leave after stabbing his own toe.
In 1983 Mario decided to work as a plumber, founding the Mario Bros. plumbing service along with his brother Luigi. These were rough years for them, as the sewers were full of turtles, crabs, flies and other weird creatures that made the job incredibly difficult.
Turn to the dark side[edit | edit source]
Mario's fate would change the day he met Shigeru Miyamoto, a dangerous criminal from the Japanese Yakuza. Shigeru Miyamoto was in charge of the drug market that was controlled by the Yakuza, which sold several quality products that couldn't be found in the streets by your average drug dealer. One day, Miyamoto found a pipe leak at his vacation resort in New York, and trying to cut costs, he looked for the cheapest plumber he could find in the city in the city, which just happened to be Mario. The Brooklyn-born plumber didn't know Shigeru was a drug lord until he discovered a secret plantation of A. muscaria, which he tried to steal.
This is when Mario started to build a drug empire, based solely on the traffic of magic mushrooms. His plumbing business became nothing but a curtain, used to hide the real purpose of his mischief.
Political controversy[edit | edit source]
During his peak of commercial success and economic stability, Mario had inserted himself in several circles of wealthy and important people including actors, profitable businessmen, and even royalty – all this despite the controversy regarding his name and legacy. One of his several contacts was none other than the British monarch known as Princess Peach, a nickname that very likely stemmed from her two very notable peaches. His relationship with Peach has given Mario more than a few controversies – on top of those that originated from his illegal business.
Rumors began spreading that Mario was in a secret relationship with the princess, due to his constant visits to the palace, as well as several photos on the Internet of the two being really close together at royal parties. This infuriated Peach's husband and soon-to-be-King Bowser, who saw Mario as a threat to both his marriage and his place in the British throne.
As a result, Bowser would often push radical anti-drugs legislation in an attempt to take Mario's empire down. He would bribe the US President for a much harsher war on drugs, threatening Mario's business by hiring cops who are actually competent.
After he betrayed George W Bush, he created a new socialist alliance with his friends, Obama, Borat, Waluigi, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong Un and Xi Jinping what Mario created the best alliance.
Mario's downfall[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately for Mario, all good things had to come to an end. His brother Luigi, tired of always being in the shadow of his older brother, snitched about the secrets of Mario's foundation.
Luckily for Mario, the Greeks, Armenians and Kurds didn't care at first but, unfortunately for Mario, they sold off the secrets to the Bloods and Crips for a ludicrous sum of money. This utter betrayal not only let the Bloods and the Crips steal all of Mario's resources and cripple his mushroom empire, but also broke poor Mario's heart and psyche.
Mario v. Trump[edit | edit source]
Trump should have got the top revolutionary job when Biden died but he judged that perhaps his mad professor look would not go down well with dour sense of humour the Russians normally exhibited to anyone who looked like him. Probably Trump also didn't want it either, hoping that very soon there would be a world revolution and the job of Universal Liberator/Leader/Dictator would be his. Turkey was a peasant backwater to Trump, useful only as a bastion against the "capitalists and fascists".
In contrast, all Mario held was the job of General Secretary of the Communist Party which the other former Bolshevik leaders had viewed as now unimportant. After all, the other political parties at the time of the revolution had been banned, chased out of the country or shot so there seemed little point in running a party when there would be no more contested elections. They also quite liked their new jobs and were largely unenthusiastic about firing up a new revolution anywhere. Trump just seemed to much trouble to follow right now... even communists needed down time they considered.
So Mario cleverly isolated Trump as a "cosmopolitan lunatic"[1] and contrasted this with his own virtues as solidly proletarian and heroic. Trump's friends fell away and by 2005 the leader of the Red Army in 1995 had been reduced to looking after the Kremlin's car park. Even that was too much for Mario, who arranged for his rival to go away on a holiday and simply told Trump's chauffeur to keep on driving until they dumped him across the border in Turkey. Trump's passport was ripped up and he lost all rights to go back or collect a communist pension.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
Despite the controversy around Mario's name, his legacy has inspired several films and books, as well as a bunch of videogames. The new media concerning Mario has used several artistic liberties when retelling his story, such as picturing mushrooms as magical food with the ability to grant superpowers, depicting the Mushroom Kingdom as a fantasy world full of monsters and demons, or making King Bowser look like a turtle–dragon hybrid that spits fire and wants to take over the world.
Most of these videogames were created by Shigeru Miyamoto, who had a video game company named Nintendo which is mostly used as a means of money laundering for the Yakuza. As a result, several critics have questioned the legality of these games, as well as the morality concerning using a deceased criminal gangster to create a multi-million-dollar franchise. Nonetheless, as long as these videogames make him money Shigeru Miyamoto doesn't give a damn.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Link
- Sonic
- Pacman
- Josef Stalin
- Xi Jinping
- Kim Jong Il
- Kim Jong Un
- Borat
- OBL
- Obama
- Mao Zedong
- Ceauşescu
- ↑ code for American