User:RabbiTechno/TechnoShed/BritishClassSystem

Upper, Middle and Working Class specimens.

The British Class System, once infallible and set in stone, has become ever more ambiguous and transient in recent decades. Previously, one would be born into the Class to which one’s parents belonged and would remain within it, unchanging, until death. From time to time, an especially talented individual might find opportunity to rise through the internal strata of their class, but never to escape it and enter another class altogether. For example, through sheer hard work or education, the child of a coal miner (lower Working Class) might end up as manager of a grocery shop (upper Working Class), or the child of a teacher (lower Middle Class) might even gain admittance to a university and train in medicine, eventually qualifying as a doctor (upper Middle Class). Such personal betterment was unknown amongst the Aristocracy who either had no need to work due to vast riches or were unable to do so due to complications caused by inbreeding.

This all changed, as did so many things, with the advent of Rock ‘n’ Roll. Suddenly, any lowly street urchin with a dream in his head, fire in his heart and the wherewithal to get hold of a Fender Stratocaster could make the sort of fortune hitherto limited to those who could inherit such riches from Aristocratic parents, allowing them to rocket up through the ranks at such speed they could achieve social escape velocity, making it possible for them to enter a higher class entirely. Women too could find fame and fortune through Rock ‘n’ Roll, originally by snagging an about-to-make-it-big young lad and marrying him quickly; but they soon realised that with a little talent (in the early days, women generally required a little more talent than their male counterparts to catch the attentions of agents and A&R scouts) and three hummable chords they too could be successful in this manner.

In the last few years, with the rise of ‘’Celeb Culture’’, it has become possible to change one’s social standing and class without necessarily possessing any talent or worth whatsoever. Simply appearing on television can be enough, or failing that a few visits to a cosmetic surgeon and a couple of photoshoots in popular magazines ought to do the trick. Simply being sufficiently obsequious and generally irritating as to get oneself noticed by enough people can have the same effect, because in modern Britain, fame equals social standing. Indeed, in some instances, one can simply sit back and do absolutely nothing at all, contributing absolutely nothing whatsoever to culture, and yet still become a member of the New Upper Class. So, how must we define the classes now? The same basic rules apply, with the population being split into Working, Middle and Upper Class. But who are they, and how can we recognise a member of a particular group?

Working Class

Species	Homo drudgerius
Habitat	Worldwide
Type	Undesirable
Homeworld	Slums
Size	Small to large
Colour	Various shades of grey
Abilities	Few other than claiming benefits
Special skills	Procurement of stolen goods
Conservation status	Endangered
Odour	'Reproduction' perfume/aftershave

The Working Class[edit | edit source]

“The Working Class can kiss my arse, I've got the foreman's job at last.”
~ Noel Coward on the Working Class

The Working Classes (genus Homo, species drudgerius) can be distinguished from their close relations the Middle Classes (H. pretentius) and the Upper Classes and Aristocracy (H. nobbius-smythe) by their sloping brows, large hairy hands and general resemblance to [[cavemen|Australopithecus robustus]. Found worldwide in a variety of habitats other than Antarctica, they are less common in the industrialised Western nations than they once were since machines sufficiently sophisticated as to be capable of performing traditional Working Class roles have been developed and have largely replaced them.

Habitats[edit | edit source]

Urban[edit | edit source]

The Working Class were previously to be found living in colonies numbering up to several hundred thousand individuals in urban inner-city areas. However, in the last few decades these colonies have declined greatly in number due to habitat destruction as the poorly-constructed and impoverished terraced streets favoured by them have been cleared to make room for business districts and corporate buildings. Large urban colonies may still be found in Third World cities, where they scavenge waste food from Middle Class bins.

Suburban Working Class nests may accomodate up to 30 individuals.

Suburbia[edit | edit source]

Suburban Working Classes live in vast colonies known as housing estates that may be home to many thousands of individual animals. The colony will be split into many separate cells, rather like a rabbit warren, with each cell forming a home for a family unit which is usually made up of female adult (and, occasionally, a male) and her young who may number as many as twelve or more. Often the young of older offspring will also inhabit the home, with larger buildings sometimes being home for up to five generations.

Rural[edit | edit source]

Working Class people were, for many years, bred in great numbers in rural areas by the land-owning classes who used them to perform menial tasks such as farm work. Many such tasks have, like the manufacturing work traditionally performed by the urban working class, subsequently been taken over by machinery with even the most tedious jobs such as towing ploughs and other equipment now done by tractors. However, in recent years breeders and enthusiasts have made great efforts to try to prevent the rural Working Class from becoming extinct. Any modern county fair would be far less of an occasion were it not for Working Class demonstrations in which breeders – often farmers who keep a pair or two of Working Class people for this reason alone – delight in competing against other breeders as they show off their highly-trained animals. Awards are given for those Working Class specimens deemed by the judges to be the best in show, with the big money prizes guaranteed to bring owners from all over the country.

History[edit | edit source]

The landed gentry and Aristocracy were the first groups to breed Working Class people, with the first examples seen in Britain brought over the English Channel by the Normans after the conquest of 1066. During Medieval times, no country estate was complete without vast herds of Working Classes who were kept in case of war breaking out, at which point they would be rapidly fitted with rudimentary weapons such as clubs and pitchforks and used to form a vast living shield, often several hundreds of individuals deep, around their commanders. King Henry VII is said to have kept a herd numbering some 15,000 in the grounds of Windsor Castle, and the outcome of Agincourt may have been very different had the French forces not had to waste so much ammunition attempting to make progress through the vast rings of Working Classes surrounding the English king that they eventually ran out of arrows. During the 19th Century, new breeds were developed that could be trained to perform ever more complex tasks. However, the Working Classes’ days as a war machine were numbered – they were last used in any great number during the First World War where they were trained to climb out of the trenches and enter no man’s land, where they would draw German fire while the officers remained safely behind making plans, eating good food and drinking port. Working Classes are still kept on some estates for aesthetic reasons, however - the herd of almost 250 roaming the grounds of Chatsworth House in Derbyshire is a prime example. Individuals from this robust and healthy herd are sometimes used to breed with the Aristocracy, as the latter species’ gene pool is the size and depth of a small puddle.

Mating Rituals[edit | edit source]

Typical exmple of H. drudgerius chavvius male.

Although the species breeds quickly (were it not for mortality rates a single pair of Working Class people can give rise to as many as 2000 offspring in a year – a breeding rate far higher than that of rodents), mating rituals are strictly observed. The female comes into heat several times a year and will alter her wardrobe so as to allow fertile males to recognise her. She will wear the traditional Working Class courtship garments - either a very short skirt or tight-fitting white trousers around her hind legs and the lower part of her torso, just sufficient to obscure her sexual organs, often complementing this with white shoes with pointed toe and an elongated heel up to six inches high. Her toenails may be paintedn shocking pink or blood red, with a brightly coloured pigment bought from a market stall or stolen from Superdrug. Her upper torso will be covered in a very tight and sometimes semi-transparent garment known as a 'top' which exposes a large expanse of the udders, with various markings depending on sub-species – common patterns are distinguishable as words such as ‘Gap,’ ‘Kappa,’ ‘FCUK’ and ‘Fubu.’

Typical exmple of H. drudgerius chavvius female, sometimes known as a 'kappa slapper.'

The male is characterised by his large and mis-shapen head which will usually be devoid of hair in the case of adult examples. Fertile males often develop a large paunch which serves the same purpose as a peacock’s tail – the larger and more impressive the paunch, the more females the male will attract. When he sights a female, the male will give a distinctive cry - “Orlroigh’ dahlin’!” - which can be heard from many miles away in still conditions. A receptive female will reply with her own call, “You gonna buy me a drink then...Bacardi n’ coke.” Mating will take place a short while later, usually in the male's car, after which the male leaves the female and takes no part in the raising of the cubs which are born around nine months later. Despite this unusually long gestation period, the Working Classes are an extremely fecund species – females are often seen with litters of twelve or more cubs which will remain with her until they achieve sexual maturity at the age of thirteen years. Once they have produced their own litter, the young females may leave the mother and set up their own nest in a council flat. Males may remain with the mother throughout their lives, often living almost entirely separate lives in a different part of the home, depending on her for food and leaving only to impregnate other females.

Subspecies[edit | edit source]

Working Class people have split into a number of varying subspecies; however, all are able to mate and produce viable young so hybridization is common. Common examples are listed below.

H. drudgerius chavvus, also known as ‘barries,’ ‘charvers’ or ‘kappa-slappers’ (females only) are one of the commonest types in the United Kingdom, can be easily recognised by the distinctive checked clothing which may bear the word resembling the word ‘Burberry,’ but this will usually be spelled differently so that the manufacturer can avoid being sued by the actual Burberry. Females often have wear grey, baggy tracksuit trousers covering their hind legs, which may have a pattern across the hind quarters which resembles pink letters spelling out the word ‘ANGEL,’ often in Gothic script. The noises with which individuals communicate with one another are similar to those used by other types, but each call will be followed with either ‘cuz,’ ‘bruv’ or ‘innit.’ It is interesting to compare the species to its American counterpart -
H. drudgerius crystalmethus (also known as ‘rednecks,’ ‘okies’ or ‘crackers’) are a type rarely found outside the United States, where it has become the dominant species. Unusually, this type is found only with white skin – all other Working Class subspecies can have white, brown, yellow or black skin. Crystalmethus is unique amongst all known forms of life in that, if a family tree of related individuals is drawn up, it doesn’t fork. Though geneticists have shown that this type is theoretically able to breed with the closely-related black type of American Working Class (H. drudgerius uncletommus), cross-fertilisation is unknown in the wild where the two types live separately. Just as some types of ant have soldiers which will attack other ants, crystalmethus colonies may produce a third type along with male and female which are characterised by their unusual pointed white heads and robe-like plumage which actively attacks individuals of the uncletommus subspecies.
H. drudgurius lennonus (also known as ‘working class heroes’) are a type of Working Class that have achieved a quality not usually attributed to their species which brings them to the attention of the higher classes. This will often take the form of writing, sometimes literature but most often music. Financial wealth is likely to be accrued by this form of the Class, at which point the individual will often cast off the trappings of its type and mimic the Aristocratic class. Likely to inhabit a large home – often a very tasteless mansion – and to own a luxury car, successful lennonus Working Class individuals will have little or nothing to do with Working Class individuals of the other types.

Political Leanings[edit | edit source]

The Working Class have throughout history (or at least since given suffrage), tended to favour right-wing and conservative political groups, even though such groups advocate policies favourable to the higher classes and designed to ensure the Working Class remain financially poor and in the rather uncomfortable and non-luxurious habitats within which they are commonly found. Left-wing, socialist and communist political groups espouse philosophies and ideologies that have improved living conditions and increased rights for the Working Class at their core, yet they continue to be almost universally shunned by those they seek to help. The cause of this has led to a number of conflicting theories amongst political theorists and sociologists who study the Working Class; with three main groups – the first believe that the Working Class have an instinctive distrust of socialist ideals, fearing that they will lead ultimately to the destruction of society and commerce; the second believe that the Working Class are basically happy with their lot, that their culture is to be viewed with pride and championed; and the third believe that the Working Class are ill-educated fools.

Diet[edit | edit source]

Working Class people are not fussy eaters and will avidly consume almost any foodstuff they can find, with the exception of non-processed vegetable matter and wholemeal bread. They will also avoid garlic, as they prefer not to 'eat any of that foreign stuff.' They are particularly fond of cheap hamburgers and sausages, Pop-Tarts, Pot Noodle and cakes (Marie Antoinette is considered a patron saint amongst them, as they consider her famous statement to be royal permission to consume as many cakes as possible). A tribe of Working Class folk people in the act of hunting for food is one of Nature's greatest spectacles. Hundreds, even thousands of them may descend en masse upon a discount food retailer. Hurrying through the fresh fruit and vegetable section, even a small tribe can clear the shelves of Asda/Iceland/Aldi of value price meat-filled products such as sausage rolls and frozen doner kebabs in mere seconds. The young, in screaming, squabbling packs will fall upon the confectionary aisle, often devouring the sweet foods they find as soon as they get their grubby paws on them. The adults, meanwhile, will have made it as far as the biscuit shelves, once again clearing the racks of digestives, rich tea and those pink wafery things you thought nobody liked. Like a field of grain attacked by the teeth of the wind - locusts - the crisps section will be next. The Working Class are estimated to consume some 5000kg of crisps per person per annum, with the 24 pack Bumper Box and the stinky flavours such as prawn cocktail, beef 'n' onion and spare rib being those they favour most. Finally, the herd reaches the alcohol section. Wine, ales, whisky and anything one might drink for the pleasure of its flavour are ignored - they're after cider, the cheaper and sweeter the better. Stuff in three litre bottles called something along the lines of Diamond Lightning is preferred, and they will load their trolleys with gallons of it, sometimes supplementing it with a bottle or two of the supermarket's own-brand vodka. Their trolleys now full and groaning under the weight of their purchases, the Working Class now move to the confectionary aisle to relocate their young who will be moaning and possibly vomiting due to acute stomach pains caused by the several pounds of sweets they have eaten. In their time-honoured and traditional way, they placate the children by shouting at and hitting them. At the checkouts, they will produce vast numbers of money-off coupons clipped from Take A Break and Heat magazines, often one coupon for every product they buy, wishing to save as much money as they possibly can, even if it means taking five times longer at the till. Finally, they head for the cigarette counter, where they buy three boxes of a hundred Superkings, £20 worth of Lottery tickets (the Working Class view the Lottery as a wise and astute alternative to a pension fund) and a pack of Old Holborn and some king size Rizlas for the kids.

Middle Class

Species	Homo pretentius.
Habitat	Worldwide.
Type	Chattering.
Homeworld	Home Counties.
Size	Medium.
Color	Usually white, brown or yellow, occasionally black.
Abilities	Writing to MPs.
Special skills	Eating sun-dried tomatoes.
Conservation status	Common (but won't ever admit it).
Odour	Bookish.

The Middle Class[edit | edit source]

“The Working Class have no land, but they have disposable income. The Upper Class have land, but they have no money. The Middle Class have school fees and mortgages.”
~ Oscar Wilde

Approximately 95% of the population in any Western nation will, when asked, describe themselves as Middle Class (the vast majority of the remaining 5% will answer Working Class but are either Middle Class pretending to be Working Class because they think being so is in some way cool, or are actually living under the delusion that they really are Working Class, or secretly believe themselves to be Middle Class as they’ve made a bit of cash and drive a BMW, but claim Working Class credentials in an attempt to remain true to their roots or due to left-wing political beliefs. The remainder are the Aristocracy).

Who are the Middle Class?[edit | edit source]

To examine the species, one must first define what they are. The species is split into two main subspecies, H. pretentius vulgaris and H. pretentius pretentius. The first type (vulgaris) are characterised by the following:

Gold taps in the bathroom
Cream-coloured leather furniture
Gold jewellery
BMWs, Mercedes, Lexus
Designer label clothing
The Daily Mail or Daily Express
May own property in Florida

The second type (pretentius) are likely to display the following traits:

Antique bathroom fittings unchanged from the time the house was first connected to the water supply
Mix and match furniture, covered in Indian throws and cat hair
Wooden beads from craft fairs and Oxfam (the high street Habitat)
25 year old rusting French hatchbacks or Citroën 2CVs
Hand-me-down woollen jumpers
The Guardian or The Independent
May own semi-derelict and roofless property in Britanny.

Both of these types will describe themselves as Middle Class, but they won’t be going to the same parties. So, the sociologist may ask – which is the real Middle Class? They both are. Each type is utterly loathed by the Working Class who view them as merely Working Class with money – they haven’t any in reality - that has given them ideas above their station, and by the Upper Class who detest their left-wing leanings (note that even the Daily Mail-reading type are considered left-wing by the Upper Class, for whom even Hitler was suspiciously pinko); the hatred directed at them by both the Classes above and below them makes both types truly Middle Class.