User:RabbiTechno/TechnoShed

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The Techno Shed

...not a page you'll find very interesting. It's just where I keep stuff and works-in-progress to stop them from cluttering up my userpage. Plus it's full of spiders.

Seriously...I'd just back away slowly.

Please do not touch anything you find here - most of it has not yet been checked for safety and may asplode.
It'd be nice if you didn't nick anything, but hey, if you do there's bugger-all I can do about it.

Ideas

User:RabbiTechno/TechnoShed/Po

This user is a Kosher Nostra G_dfather. Cross them and they will get halakhic on yo' ass.

This user can spell. Rather than using this skill as a force for good and embarking on a quest to improve Uncyclopedian standards, they choose to seek out those not gifted with such rare abilities and mock them mercilessly.

• Charley Dybbuk - flame-haired demon/poltergeist in Hebrew myth, often blamed for the mysterious disappearance of peanuts which it smuggles out of gardens in its clothing.

Rabbi Techno Awards You The Platinum Apostrophe

For your bravery in the Battle of Grammar.
However, we still have work to do!
The Apostrophometer estimates there are still over ten
million instances of misused apostrophes on Uncyclopedia!
Up and at 'em, soldier!

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30dos

"It's a fucking miracle!"

says Mrs. Sadie Goldstein of Manchester, UK

Introducing YOU to the revolutionary new
Rabbi Techno Industries™ KLEIN OLIVE OIL BOTTLE™
By turning a standard olive oil bottle into a simple two-dimensional manifold non-orientable surface,
Rabbi Techno Industries have created an olive oil bottle which stores oil both inside and outside the glass.
Store enough oil for 8 days while appearing to only have enough for a single day easily with Rabbi Techno Industries™!
"It's not miraculous - it's mathematics!™"

Mystify your friends/the Seleucid Empire and have a Happy Hanukkah™!

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Our appreciation is not easily earned.

But you have achieved what few others ever manage:
The respect of the
Kosher Nostra.
You can rest assured that you henceforth enjoy our protection,
our support and a bed free of beheaded bagel crumbs.
La Kosher Nostra.

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Rabbi Techno would like to honour you with the coveted

BLUE SCROTUM AWARD
Which is given to those who have demonstrated remarkably excellent judgement,
impeccable good taste and faultless, all-encompassing wisdom
(by doing something like voting for ME to win WotM).
Well done and thankyou, from Rabbi Techno.

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Awards and stuff I put on other people's userpages

Chag Purim Sameach 5770!

(Note: "5770" refers to the calories you will consume with each meal over the next two days)

You can call them Haman's pockets,
You can call them Haman's hat.
But don't kid yourself...
You're eating human ears, you freak.
(And the police are on their way.)

This cheery yom tov message has been brought to you by
Rabbi Techno

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Insert Joke About Rabbis and The Horn Here

Have a happy 5770, full of honey and other stuff that probably
wouldn't have been kosher if we'd thought about it more.
from Rabbi Techno
L'shanah tovah

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A VALUABLE COLLECTOR'S ITEM

which is sure to be worth a very great deal of money in the near future.
An original recording of an interview between UNNEWS and
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
in which he reveals the truth about aliens.
Unfortunately, it's on Betamax so you can't watch it.
Many thanks for voting for me in last month's Foolitzer Prize.
Rabbi Techno

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Chag Pesach Sameach

It's Matzo Constipation time once again!

Try being vegan too. 8 days of potato kugel. Great.

From Rabbi Techno

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Mad Mike "Moishe" Tyson does it, so you should too!

Yes - it's Purim already, so be like
Mike and eat some ears today!

It's the only time of year when being a Jew is fun!
Chag Purim Sameach from Rabbi Techno

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For your vote in VFS You have been awarded a Certificate guaranteeing you safe passage within Uncyclopedia's borders if Zionist domination is eventually established. Rabbi Techno

You voted for UnNews:New Range of Low-Tech Personal Music Players Released on VFH which entitles you to this FREE copy of the 1921 hit single I Wouldn’t Take Her To a Dog Fight, 'Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win by Brigadier Billy Bell-Ende and his Jazz Rhythm Orchestra which is only slightly scratched. Rabbi Techno

Shalom! Yum! You've received a basket of delicious fresh bagels from RabbiTechno! Lekhaim! מזל טוב

A Bunch of Flours! For de-vandalising my userpage Many thanks! RabbiTechno

Rabbi Techno awards you this lovely Mechanical Thing because you voted for something I wrote to be featured. Cheers!

While I was over at the Googleplex researching History of Google I managed to grab a load of these promotional t-shirts. Here's one for you because you voted for the article on VFH! Model not included. Thankyou from Rabbi Techno

Saved Images That I Might Get Round To Doing Something With One Day

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Storage

Things needing safe-keeping, just in case...

Idiots As A Food Source

Economists and nutritionists have long espoused the theory that Idiots could be farmed as a much-needed source of food. Let us first consider the benefits of a diet rich in Idiot flesh:

• Idiots are rich in fat. OK, it's probably the bad sort of fat rather than the sort you get in fish and stuff, but 75% of the world's population are so hungry they don't care, they'll eat Idiot meat anyway. After all, there's a lot of people out there who are so hungry they'll eat Big Macs.
• Idiots can be bred to be high in protein. Although most Idiots are overweight, it is easy to set them to manual tasks such as lifting heavy stuff all day - indeed, they will actually pay you for the pleasure of carrying out this kind of activity, as can be seen if you watch the meatheads pumping iron in your local gym.

There are also several economic benefits to farming Idiots over some higher forms of life, for example sheep:

• Idiots can be fed just about anything and will thrive on it. Farmers thought this also applied to animals such as cows, and fed their cattle on farmyard slurrey. However, the cows developed the physical brain disease BSE (mad cow disease), a condition which causes crystalline structures known as prions to form within the brain tissue. This cannot happen in Idiots, who have such rudimentary brains that the formation of prions will have no noticeable effect. Idiots thrive on foodstuffs such as fried potatoes, Twinky Rolls and even instant noodles.
• Idiots require virtually nothing other than food to survive. Most farm animals require woodshavings or straw to keep them warm at night and during winter, or they die. These materials are not reusable, since the animal will contaminate them with faeces. However, in place of straw, Idiots can be kept warm with clothing such as puffa jackets. These are available for just a few pounds each, and should the Idiot defaecate into them (as they will), they can be simply removed from the beasts, washed and reused. Otherwise, they need little more than 20-22 hours per day of cable television.
• Idiots can be kept in battery conditions, a method of farming in which the maximum number of animals are packed into the smallest possible space. Most creatures, if raised in such a way, will become highly susceptible to disease and suffer higher mortality rates; hence the method is used only with the least-valuable farm animals such as chickens. However, Idiots can be kept in such a way with almost no ill-effect - proof of this can be found at soccer matches, where several thousand Idiots are packed into tiny wire enclosures and suffer no more disease than free-range idiots.
• Battery farming of Idiots will not attract the attentions of animal rights activists. Some people, such as hippies and vegans, claim it is ethically wrong to farm animals using battery methods, and may organise protests or even employ direct action methods to free them. This is economically bad for the battery farmer who must install expensive security methods. However, nobody would protest about Idiots being kept under even the most inhumane conditions. In fact, any farmer found to be keeping Idiots in conditions that would be considered cruel were they applied to any other species can expect to enjoy the support of the 2% of the general population who are not Idiots.
• Idiots breed quickly. In fact, with the exception of only a few types of bacteria and grues, Idiots are the fastest-reproducing form of life on the planet. Take a mating pair of Idiots (basically, any pair left alone for a few hours will mate) and let 'em get it on. Within a very short while, they will have produced a litter of between 12 and 18 Idiot cubs. Allow these to reach sexual maturity and continue the process - just one year down the road and you could have as many as 20,000 Idiots.

It can clearly be seen from the above facts that Idiots are suitable for farming. In addition to forming a very attractive option for any Western farmer looking to branch out from the traditional meats into the production of more unusual products for the luxury and delicatessen market (this would be premium idiot meat, ie; the high-protein strain), Idiots also offer a very viable solution to the problems or starvation in poorer areas.