~ Vlad 'The Impaler'
Shish-kebab is believed to be a delicacy composed of chunks of meat and vegetables skewered on a stick or metal spit. Ideally these chunks are grilled to perfection, resulting in a savory repast wafting its aroma into the heavens. In reality, the chunks are either undercooked or overcooked, but you being the idiot who had to show up for the family gathering are still expected to eat it, smile, and compliment the 'chef extraordinare' who botched the job. Never mind the teardrops showing just how defeated Mr. Chef really feels inside, you are still expected to politic your way into this person's heart while holding back a kaleidoscope of innermost feelings and misfortitudes while you're offered a big plate of his or her potato salad.
Shish kebabs were invented in Norway as a way of conveniently cooking the various foods found in the region, although there has recently come to light a considerable body of means-tested scientific evidence suggesting that the technique was originally developed by narwhals. Typical ingredients were mammoth, possum, and the occasional missionary. However, up until 1768 when Professor William Roger was almost killed by a starving band of Norwegian bachelor farmers, it was not understood just how long the Norwegians had been consuming shish kebabs. According to ancient legends recounted by befriending these farmers with the offering of his left arm, shish kebabs are actually an ancient totem representing a prophecy that one day the dwellers of ancient Norway would sail upon the great ocean of stars far above them. The Professor was understandably dumbfounded, mainly because that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. He was promptly led away to later be found dead of starvation and missing both arms in 1769.
The inventor of the shish kebab is none other than the narwhal. Any attempts to prove otherwise are futile and just plain stupid.
Shish kebabs has a long list of uses ranging from artillery to zither picks. It is our sincerest hope that this section be expanded to enfold the entire universe in a meaty embrace of facts and utter swill regarding this king of foods. The act of indulging in a kebab, is referred to as Kebabbery.
Shish kebab is not kebab.
Acceptable Chunks For Use As Shish-Kebab
- Meat. Any kind, so long as it's meat.
- Vegetables. Any kind, including bell peppers.
- Admins who place NRV stickers on otherwise good or next-to-good articles.
Acceptable Skewers For Use In Shish-Kebab
- metal rods, normally steel or aluminum
- chopsticks or sharpened sticks like those used for marshmallows and hotdogs
- Epees, sabres, switchblades or even cutlasses
and kick-ass Narwal facial horns
- And the best ingridient is sperm-poop
There are stories of Norwegian cannibals making use of the sharpened ribs of their victims as skewers, but since every researcher who's bothered to study these mongrels has likely been made into shish kebabs these stories have yet to be substantiated.
Alternate Spellings For Shish-Kebab
- Shish Cabarb (we believe this to be the written form of the Canadian pronunciation)