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UnNews:Coca-Cola recycles its beverage "base"

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10 June 2007

Coke to take on "a decidedly yellow cast"

ATLANTA. GA -- Executives at Coca-Cola have decided to go forward with a proposal by the company's chief chemist, Dr. Ima Pepper, who recommended a year ago that the beverage giant begin recycling the popular soft drink's "base". The base is the fluid that comprises the liquid – in this case, purified water – to which the beverage's other ingredients are added to give the soda its distinctive texture, color, and taste. The company uses billions of gallons of water as the base for its like of beverages, and the cost of using unrecycled water has become "cost prohibitive" in recent years.

"We need to cut costs," Pepper told Unnews' reporter Lotta Lies, "without sacrificing our product's quality, of course. The amounts and costs of sugar, food coloring, and some other ingredients can't be controlled as easily as the beverage base can be controlled, she said. "So at last we're taking a look at my idea to recycle water. I suggested this alternative a year ago. It was I who recommended that we adopt this approach. It was my idea."

"Thanks to me," Pepper said, "Coke may be able to sell its product at a profit throughout at least the rest of this decade, rather than at a loss."

From a scientific point of view such as Pepper's, the idea of recycling the product's "base" (water) has always made sense. From a public relations perspective however, not to mention the aesthetic, the idea may be disastrous (company executives fear) because the water that is to be recycled isn't just any water.

It's urine.

"I got the idea from an article I read about San Diego, of all places," Pepper said. "But it was my idea, based on the article I had read."

Faced with chronic water shortages, San Diego once considered purifying the urine donated by residents of affluent communities and recycling the purified "water" by piping it to residents of middle-class neighborhoods for bathing, cooking, cleaning, and bathing. However, the idea was quickly dropped because of political pressure. "People found the idea of drinking recycled urine distasteful," Mayor Dick Murphy acknowledged, "so now we're looking into recycling blood, sweat, and tears. Possibly, at some point, we may even add semen and vaginal secretions to the mix, depending on how great our need for water becomes and how much recycling my constituents can stomach."

NASA is also considering recycling body fluids as a way of satisfying astronauts' thirst during long space flights.

Certain Middle Eastern countries such as Iraq (who prefer to remain anonymous) are already using this technique. "That's the real reason the Americanmilitary forces are occupying our country," Iraqi president Jalal Talabani admitted. "They're here to provide water for our camels, our livestock, our palm trees, and our women. Iraqi men drink bottled water imported from France. American military forces are keeping our oases green."

Upon learning of Coca-Cola's plans to replace water with recycled urine as its "beverage base" many long-time fans of the soft drink have announced their plans to switch to Pepsi, the cola company's biggest competitor. "We don't piss in our product," a Pepsi spokesperson assured the turncoat consumers. Meanwhile, for those who remain faithful to Coca-Cola, the company's product, Pepper warns that it "may be taking on a decidedly yellow cast".

"Think of it as containing lemon," Pepper suggests. "The company's decision has led to a lot of jokes about 'the pause that refreshes' and Coca-Cola's 'secret ingredient' [chuckles] but, above all, people must remember one thing: The idea to recycle urine was mine. It was my idea."


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