Battle of the Bulge

A painting of the Battle of the Bulge. Tragically, the artist died that very same day after being shot multiple times by an enemy soldier.

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Battle of the Bulge in my Pants?

The Battle of the Bulge was a massive battle held in association with the Rotary Club of Germany during World War Two. The blueprint for this battle was derived from the video game "Battlefield 1942".

The battle was fought between six main belligerents: Germany, Italy, Luxembourg, Sweden, the United States of America and Canada. A seventh nation was also involved in the battle: England. In addition, an eighth, previously unmentioned nation, North Dakota, took part in the battle. An unwilling participant in the battle was France.

The battle began with a major offensive (i.e., it offended many Liberals and other people "in touch" with their feelings) by England, the United States, Canada, Germany and Italy against Sweden and Luxembourg. Victory, although bloody, came quickly against Luxembourg. It was at this stage that the United States, Canada and England realized that they were fighting on the wrong side and abruptly re-declared war against Germany and Italy. The Swedes re-declared neutrality against all parties involved. To prove their neutrality, they assisted Germany in their invasion of Denmark and Japan.

With the sides now committed to their individual courses of action and the once-mighty Empire of Luxembourg crushed, the battle raged on. Battle lines changed quickly, moving from Calais, France, to Eastern Germany several times. The total distance measured from the changing battle lines would eventually reach over 64,000,000 kilometers, nearly the distance from the Earth to the Sun. (Some scientists have theorized that the armies did in fact travel, by rocket-ship, through time and space until they actually reached the Sun, although there is no evidence whatsoever to support this theory.)

The attack

The battle began with a massive attack by Allied (USA, Canadian, English) forces against the Axis (German, Italian, New Luxembourgian) armies. More than 14 million Allied troops rushed the German front lines during the initial push for the goalie net. German soldiers, though outnumbered 140,000 to 1, managed to score a goal, and slaughter the Allied forces through a combination of racial superiority, specially "bred-just-for-this-battle".

Mid-battle

In 1944, the third year of the battle, the Allies scored a major victory in the Battle of the Bulge when Berlinlandstan, due to the brilliant tactics of Erwin Rommel, managed to kill a whole bunch of Germans. This prompted the Italians (for the third time in the War) to switch sides. With their eager (but wholly unskilled) fascist partners out of the war yet again, the Germans suffered another major blow to morale. The Allies took advantage of this temporary shift in power and bombed six German cities (Schaushtembourg, Hemstelberg, Flaushtennichtein, Traulsvergensheil, Volkswagon, and Scrubbermaust) to rubble. Resounding cheers were heard from amongst the 700 million allied troops now stationed in Nice, France. The French, bewildered by the loud noises, surrendered, hoping everybody would please just leave. It is said that their general, Charles de Gaulle is thought by some to have said at this time "Please don't eat it". Scholars are still wondering what was meant by this enigmatic statement, and whether it was said at all, by him, at this time.

The counterattack

Although the Germans had a massive loss, they counterattacked with 34 thousand UFOs. The Allies were surprised, and they rallied to the Maginot Line. The Allies threw explosive carrots and poop bombs at German forces, but it didn't work. The Germans continued to command their UFO forces, and paid no attention to their 9th Army at the eastern front.

It was also during this time that Goku and Superman dueled. This is purely coincidental and has nothing to do with the Battle of the Bulge. They just both happened to be there at the same time. It was really awesome.

End game

Because of the massive attention focused on the Battle of the Bulge, the Germans accidentally forgot their declaration of war against the massive forces of the Soviet Union. Soviet soldiers, red eyes smoldering with the fires of hell and empowered by a pure dedication to the forces of darkness, swarmed into Germany like rats. German dictator Adolf Hitler rallied his forces (his famous holy Krappen das Sovietzen speech) and invaded the Soviet Union again. The ensuing battle was one of the foretold twelve between the forces of Satan and Lucifer referred to in the Book of Revelation. This was all part of the Battle of the Bulge.

Soviet forces, in an orgy of baby-smashing and rude noises, finally smashed through German defenses and made their way toward the German capital of Boston. Stalin, in a moment of clarity, realized that unless he fed his army at some point, they would lose. Thus, in an unprecedented lend-lease deal with the forces of darkness, Stalin put his own soul up for a third mortgage, as well as placing a lien on the souls of all Communists, past, present and future.

Finally, fed and happy, Soviet forces liberated about half of Germany from Nazi oppression. They instituted Soviet oppression, which was much worse.

A truce was called so that all nations involved could remember 1) with whom they were fighting and why, and 2) with whom they were allies at this point. In late 1949 Adolf Hitler, disgusted with the state of politics in modern times, quit being a dictator and became the first host of the long-running television game show, Jeopardy. Germany was taken over by comedian Benny Hill, paving the way for future generations of fun-loving, comedy-appreciating Germans. The Battle of the Bulge continued until the French surrendered again in early 1956, finally ending the fighting, when everybody realized it all really had gotten rather silly. Immediately they surrendered again, hoping to avoid future conflict before it started.

Aftermath

More than 101 million people died in the Battle of the Bulge, with the end result being that everyone got confused. Many questions were asked in its wake: What were German people thinking? Why is Luxembourg even considered a country? Should we still consider nuking Germany, even now? Would the world ever be safe from Communist devil-soldiers, especially given the staggering number of Nazi souls they consumed, allowing them to grow in power and stature until they wielded the power necessary to challenge God himself for dominion over all earthly things?

"No, don't worry, they're not dead. They're just ... sleeping, yes. Sleeping."

• Australia 3 million dead(ish) – a zombie reanimated and attacked everyone on sight, creating more zombies.
• Germany 12 million dead, 4 million wounded.
• Soviet Union 4 million dead, 8700 wounded.
• England 12 million enlisted men dead, 140 officers dead.
• Canada 8.3 million dead, 1.2 million wounded.
• Italy 1 person died – he mistakenly jumped into the burning bread after the battle had finished. 14 million switched sides at some point.
• USA: 15 million dead, 4 million wounded; and the country blew up. Go Detroit Tigers!
• France Surrendered before it started. 37 million loaves of bread burnt because of the horrors.

Lessons learned

• Don't let the other side win. (Video on YouTube)
• The Book of French War Heroes officially became the shortest book in the history of man.
• Don't run with scissors.
• Jenny Craig is in fact a mermaid.
• Barack Obama is going to ruin our society. With helium balloons.
• American generals were proud of their nuts.
• Guns kill people.