Harry Potter (books)

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Harry Potter doing... Something. Hey, who even put this picture here?
This article is about the books. For other uses, see Harry Potter (disambiguation)

Harry Potter is a famous Russian folktale written by Just Kidding Rowling. It tells the story of a witch named Harry Potter (also known as Hairy Plopper), who somehow survived death and saved the world from the great villain Snake from the hit game Minecraft. The books follow Hairy's life, from his childhood at the hands of his Aunt Joe and Uncle Sally, to his teenage and young adult years, in which many, many of his so-called friends are killed brutally by Snake. Hairy celebrates.

Did you know, that the Harry Potter film and book series has profited more than the operations of American Airlines over the past year alone? Also, did you know wands from the wizarding world are banned by the TSA? The films are banned in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea), and will result in an immediate sentencing to 10 years of hard labor and 'recovery from Western ideologies', under Kim Jong Un's orders.

The series has exceptionally genuinely written characters and themes that made first-time readers hail it as the greatest set of words to be ever collectively written in a book. Even though we all know even the Bee Movie Script was better. Filled with no plot holes and scenes that always point out that love above all always succeeds, definitely not a cliche that has been used for the last several centuries. Spawning seven books and eight movies, this rises confusion on why there's even eight movies with seven books, because, as we all know, 7 = 11. The seven parts are...

Books[edit | edit source]

Harry Potter and a Shiny Rock[edit | edit source]

The British cover of the first Harry Potter book.

Harry, a small and especially irritating bespectacled child — who, in the Golden Age, would be down the tin mines earning his keep — learns that his benevolent Uncle Sally and Aunt Joe are in fact the heads of a Masonic splinter lodge. Vernon and Petunia own a slim, generous son named Dudley who is always polite and gets good grades. To keep their secret well-hidden, Harry is bundled off to boarding school. Harry is an aspiring trader, and one day dreams to work in the NYSE by forcing his way through bribery, fraud and other things you don't want to know.

Harry is taken to an ancient bank deep in the heart of London, where he learns that his deceased parents, killed in a tragic fly-by shooting under the orders of Lord Volde— He Who Shall Be Totally Named, left him stocks and shares worth five times the amount of all the money in Diagon Alley. Not only that, but he has magic powers and, being a small child who desires wanton destruction above all else, is a danger to humanity.

One feeble explanation about "magic" later, and Harry's off to Hogwarts Academy to master in Quidditch. He is placed in a secret friendship club known as Gryffindor by a mystical piece of headgear known as the Selection Sombrero. On the way, he befriends slow-witted Ron Weasley and whiny know-it-all Hermione Granger, who, like him, have special powers and thus require secure detention. After indoctrination at the top-secret Academy they proceed to break all the rules, vandalize ancient works of art, and murder their Self Defense teacher (as well as several other minor characters) under the excuse that "he was Voldemort in disguise." In the United States, the book was retitled Hairy Pothead: The Sorcerer's Stone! in order to help less intelligible American children understand it, though it only served to confuse them further.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Music[edit | edit source]

Harry goes back to Hogwarts to get away from those mean Dursleys. While there, [Generic Evil Spell #28193] begins terrorizing the students. Once every month, on the full moon, one student turns into a classical musician—usually a violinist. At the end of the year, Harry opens this door in the girls' bathroom (for reasons best not disclosed) and discovers a chamber (not that kind!).

Inside the chamber, Harry discovers Voldemort's younger spirit, a boy named Tom Riddle. He defeats Tom easily, but behind Tom are four violinists, one pianist, one cellist, one bassist, and one cymbalist: a recipe for pure pain. Harry hates classical music so much that he sits with his ears covered for five minutes of page-turning pain. Summoning his courage, he does his bravest deed yet: uncover his ears and yell, "Could you keep it down?!" After informing the musicians of his agony, Harry is freed.

An unauthorized Dutch version of was released a month after, called Harry and the Chamber of Pot. It features a unique sub-plot involving Hermione's physics degree. The rip-off proved so intriguing that it, and not the original, was adapted for DVD. Tolkien was so infuriated over the obvious copyright infringement, he purchased every copy of the direct-to-video creation, using them as Christmas gifts for his less overtly enthusiastic fans.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alderaan Azkaban[edit | edit source]

When Harry senses a thousand voices "crying out, and suddenly silenced", he goes to investigate. It turns out that the notorious spammer Serious Black has escaped from prison, and along with Princess Lisa of Azkaban has decided to use his magical powers of mass hypnosis to try to break the world "simultaneous interrupted scream by a crowd of people" record. Determined to thwart this evil genius, Harry returns to school, only to end up being diagnosed with dementia and locked in a safe.

Different regional printings include variations that suited the local nationality including title and content changes. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Uzbekistan", Harry is arrested for speaking against Islam Karimov and is boiled alive until he confesses to being an Islamic radical (but ultimately, he is served as soup for Karimov's dinner) . In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Afghanistan", Harry is locked inside a metal shipping crate in the sun and left for dead.

Harry Potter and the Genitals on Fire[edit | edit source]

The book opens with Harry dreaming about a quaint old man who gets killed by Voldemort. Then, Ron and Hermione come and take him to the Quidditch World Cup, where a majority of British people cheer on the Irish to victory, even though none of the action was shown. The Death Eaters attack and burn down the tent city and off to Hogwarts we go.

We then learn about the Triwizard Tournament, an event where three students from three schools compete in three different challenges, and all three students are selected with Harry as the fourth. Drama! The other three are Cedric Diggory, the popular guy from Hogwarts; Fleur, the French girl; and Viktor Krum, the Soviet boy who represents the working class's discontent with the current dichotomy. That last sentence in this review contains more words than those three speak in the entire book.

The students fight dragons, mermaids, and finally hedge rows in order to win the cup, all the while Harry is being helped by his obviously-evil cohort, Mad-Eye Moody. Harry and Cedric touch the cup at the same time and are transported to a graveyard, where Cedric dies and Voldemort is resurrected. Harry scrambles away with the help of his long-dead parents and also finds out that Moody is some evil Death Eater and not the pedophile that he thought he was. Dumbledore saves the day and everything goes back to normal with the school year ending as usual. Oh, and Malfoy becomes a ferret and goes into some guy's pants (hence the name of the book).

Harry Potter and the Birdy Buddy of the Phoenix[edit | edit source]

With the death of Cedric Diggory/Connor Kent and the return of Voldemort leaving everyone glum, Harry is brought into the world of war when he meets the Order of the Phoenix, a sort of wizard Justice League comprising previously known characters like Gary Oldman, Campy Werewolf, and Googly-Eyed Old Man and new ones like Hot Topic Girl, Kingsley Shacklebolt and Knock-off Samuel L. Jackson. Oh, and Harry's also put on trial in wizard court for performing magic off school grounds, but he's not found guilty.

Things move on from there as the Ministry of Magic (wizard government, led by the ineffectual milksop of a wizard Tony Blair) appoints a new Mothers Against Drunk Driving teacher to Hogwarts, Dolores Umbridge. She quickly turns the school into a police state, and as a result forces Harry and his friends to find a new way to effectively defend against the power of beer. Thus, Harry forms a secret club wherein he and other nerds — wait for it — LEARN.

Training sequences ensue as the nerds train and Umbridge turns the school into something reminiscent of the Soviet Union under Stalin (only with less vodka) replete with a student KGB and banning of all extracurricular activities. Meanwhile, Harry develops Asian fever as he falls for Cho Chang, a fellow student and the only Asian seen in the universe of the Harry Potter series. When she tries to get to Hogwarts, she misses the train on platform 9 3/4, and then books a flight with United Airlines to Hogwarts. Unfortunately for her, she is 're-accommodated' and her ass is dragged right off the plane. (See Dr David Dao). Infuriated, she booked a flight with Air China for half the price, but is caught transiting Beijing Airport with some 1g of weed. (She claimed it was medicinal). She is taken into custody by the Chinese authorities and is promptly sentenced to corporal punishment under China's lax drug laws (She was lucky that she didn't get a life sentence). Fortunately, Harry loses this Asian fever, forgets about her, and goes back to his affair with all the girls in his year. The film ends with the Indiana Jones-like climax of a completely incoherent battle in some government office to find some prophecy. A few battle scenes (in which you'll have no clue what the FUCK is going on) later and Serious Black is dead. Emo Harry, etc. etc. etc., Dumbledore expresses regret, etc. etc. etc., the end.

Harry Potter and the Professor Formerly Known As the Half-Blood Prince[edit | edit source]

Harry, you kinky boy

WARNING: If you do not already know that Snape killed Dumbledore and fled, this section may contain spoilers.

Snape is revealed to be Voldemort's son. Dumbledore marries Aunt Petunia. Snape gets angry over this, and therefore Snape kills Dumbledore. Finally, it is at last revealed that Harry Potter was not born to James and Lily Potter, but rather was conceived in a one-night stand between Snape and Aunt Petunia. Therefore, Dumbledore is Harry's step-father and so is Snape and Uncle Vernon (the former husband). We also learn that Voldemort is half African American. This spins Harry into a personal crisis in which Harry questions his ethnicity. Harry then has a mental breakdown, starts wearing bling, and adds "izzle" to the end of every sentence and demands everyone call him Daniel RADcliffe.

Harry slowly staggers into the room, the room is spinning and he has a killer hangover from the night before. In the distance Harry hears someone whisper, "It's Potter." He strains his eyes and in the distance sees the burning, mutilated corpse of Miss Havisham, of the classic novel Great Expectations.

Original Title[edit | edit source]

The Author revealed to The New York Times that the original title was "Harry Potter and Dumbledore's sexual orientation", but felt that was too much of a giveaway. She also grappled with the title "Harry Potter and the Land of Embarassment", but the books said that for themselves.

Harry Potter and the Deadly Gallows[edit | edit source]

The sample cover for one proposed title, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Stargate".

When we last left the wizarding world, Voldemort had returned from wherever the hell he was and started wreaking havoc across the land. Dumbledore got killed by Snape, Malfoy cried like a bitch all throughout the 700 pages, and Harry finally started macking on Ginny (as if embarrassing poor Ron with all his money wasn't enough). At this point the war's pretty much broken out into World War II Part Deux, if Hitler magically returned from the dead (or South America) and brought back the Third Reich.

So our riveting final story begins with that situation in mind. We get past the Dursleys bullshit, exposition, exposition, angst, etc. etc. Wedding! Yes, a wedding between Ron's brother and Fleur (the French girl from Book 4). Everyone loves weddings. Then the Death Eaters (Wizard KKK) show up and it all goes to shit. Also, Voldemort and his gang of skinheads kill the Minister of Magic, effectively taking over the government. It's Left Behind all over again!

Our trio of heroes (Harry, Ron, and Hermione) camp out and start looking for Horcruxes. Ah yes, Horcruxes. They contain pieces of Voldemort's soul somehow, and if you destroy all of them, Voldemort dies for good. As it turns out, he used significant items from his personal history as Horcruxes, like his iPod, or a bottle of soda he was drinking. PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO FIGURE THOSE OUT, ASSHOLE. Stupid archvillains.

Over the next several pages, nearly every single character who appeared in the series dies, most of all Dobby. He loved Harry like Jim loved Huck, always doing favors for him while receiving nothing in return. But don't expect Dobby to die of some magnificent spell; no, someone throws a knife at him. Death...by...knife. So like any good slavemaster, Harry buries the house elf in a shallow grave and declares him a freedman on his headstone.

More death, more destruction. SNAPE DIES, other people die, Hogwarts gets turned into Auschwitz, Polish government gets taken over by puppet regime as well as being divided into regions for Voldemort and regions for Stalin. Harry finds out he's one of the Horwhatzitz, and therefore allows Voldemort to kill him. Harry dies and meets the spirits of his parents, Sirius Oldman and the Gay Werewolf. They tell him what he must do to defeat Voldemort. He's also given the choice to stay dead or return to life, and of course, he done gone and resurrected himself.

Thus begins the final battle. Dumbledore rises from the grave, leading an army of the righteous in a crusade against all evil wizards, witches, squibs, and innocent bystanders in funny hats, culminating in Voldemort's apprehension and execution by disintegration. As a result of this inane plot twist, Voldemort dies, all is well, Rebel Alliance brings down the Imperials, Death Star blown up, whatever. In a postscript, Hogwarts is purified and converted to a megachurch under the pastorship of the ghost of Rev. Billy Graham, the hippogriffs are captive-bred for poultry, Hedwig creates a political stir over logging in the Pacific Northwest, and Harry's money is seized by the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) for payment of back taxes. He suddenly realises that he had inadvertently gained US citizenship by jus sanguinis, as Harry's mother was a US citizen. Also, he remembered the attempt he made, the Beer Hall Putsch to enter the NYSE many years ago. He was then extradited to face charges of crimes against the state, espionage and treason. He currently resides in the US Penitentiary, Terre Haute, Illinois, awaiting trial for these offences. A US civil war has now started, with the Democrats working towards Harry's release while the Republicans are demanding a harsh penalty for him. Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is pleading for the pardoning of Harry, and his plight has been the main headline internationally. The United Nations has pleaded with members to respect the sovereignty of the US, while trying to draft an armistice. Harry may make it out, but it is most likely that he will be sentenced to life in prison without parole. So much for Harry and his friends. Ron and Hermione have attempted to visit Harry, but have been rejected by the FBI on issues of 'character'. You little thing, Harry.

Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash[edit | edit source]

Possibly the most riveting book of the series, this was the original draft of the Hairy Plopper series, and quite possibly the best of the bunch. Readers of the book weren't able to believe that Just Kidding's first draft could have been so divine, and thus was attributed to the fictional "Botnik Studios" to keep the public masses from rising up against this beautiful-- I mean, heinous "crime."

We start with Chapter 13, where we open with the Hogwarts castle, magically intensified wind, and an emo sky crying blood. Due to prior events, Harry's ghost is all that's left to wander the castle grounds. Ron, due to his ever-intensifying crush on Harry, was tap dancing to impress him, but, seeing Harry's unimpressed reaction, begins to stress-eat, consuming Hermione's family in the process-- a tragically disturbing moment for all involved. This solidifies Harry's anti-crush position cocerning Ron.

Ron is discovered to have ornithophobia when Harry describes him as "a loud, slow, soft bird" and is rather insulted by this, ending his crush altogether. It's a good thing Ron doesn't have arachnophobia though, because he's gonna be spiders and he knows it. Oh, also Death Eaters.

Hermione, performing possibly the only logical action in the entire novel, thinks to spy on the Death Eaters' meeting. They almost run into the meeting, but remember that witches don't climb. That was a close one; good call. The trio discover that the door is locked, and Mr. Staircase uses this opportunity to release his pent up frustrations, yelling the the door because of its closedness and asking it to substitute itself with an orb. This turns out well, as it inspires Hermione to shout "beef women" at the door, thus unlocking it. Again, Hermione is very logical.

It appears that the Death Eaters were not in fact planning anything, but discussing their deepest emotions, because oH RIGHT YOU FORGOT Death Eaters are people too. This discussion culminates with one professing their love for another; a kiss ensues, and polite clapping occurs. Then they all remember what they're getting paid for, and quickly discuss a haphazard plan to drain Harry's magic. It's stupid, but at least they have something to show Voldemort. Todd was on the brink of getting fired if he didn't get this report in, y'know. Very important stuff.

Harry thinks the Dark Lord is giving him a disapproving look and cannot bear the thought of his crush hating him. He rips his eyes out very melodramatically and throws them into the Forbidden Forest. One Death Eater waves around his very red "Hermione Has Forgotten How to Dance" shirt. The redness of it all enrages Hermione, and, snorting and rearing her head, she tackles the offending Death Eater to the ground, dipping his face in mud in a malicious display of bull-like strength and wits.

Whilst all this occurs, the much less important Ron throws a wand at Voldemort in a very pathetic manner. Everyone, including He Who Shall Be Named, applauds politely because Ron's self-esteem is already so low. It is said that Ron and Hairy abracadabra'd Voldy, but really it's just Harry. As he does this, he smugly dips Hermione in hot sauce, relieved that Voldemort is "[N]ot so handsome now." Ron flinches because he's weak-sauce. The Death Eaters are dead, because oh yeah Ron and Harry killed them too, but really it was also just Harry, but all this fighting has made Harry very hungry, so he eats half of the hot sauce-drenched Hermione, saving the rest for later.

Now we cut to the Great Hall. Chandeliers are moaning, mice mountains are exploding, long pumpkins of McGonagall are falling, and an eccentric librarian her masonry books is admiring. Dumbledore's hair creeps up to what's left of Hermione, finding her very attractive. A pig pulses like a bullfrog, purporting to be a Hufflepuff. No one falls for it. It is Hagrid now. The trio demonstrates self-awareness, saying that "[they] were the only ones that mattered, and he's never going to get rid of [them].' This is true. The castle floor seems to be a big magic pile, and who says it isn't, but the Dursleys aren't ever going to be there. What losers. Harry, looking around, falls down the staircase for the whole summer, grinning, "I'm Harry Potter. The Dark Arts better be worried, oh boy!"

Ron realizes what losers his friends are, raising his self esteem, and becomes friends with Draco Malfoy instead, because he's much cooler. And they all lived happily ever after.

Characters[edit | edit source]

Protagonists[edit | edit source]

  • Harry Potter – The series' protagonist, known for his nerdy glasses, meek personality, and peeled AC/DC tattoo on his forehead. He attends Hogwarts' School of Craftsmanship and Pottery to become a potter, only to end up transferred to their wizardry branch when all of his pitchers come out pouring up.
  • Sir Ronald of Weasley – Harry's weasel-faced friend. Beginning in book two, people call him Harry's lackey and it turns out that almost everybody thinks that is his actual name (Harry only calls him "you"). His family forgets his real name in book four. Ronald starts his quest to tell his name to someone else, but every time he tries to say his name, something generally absurd happens and cuts the event short. People may call him 'king', but most people believe he was born in a bin.
  • Hermione Granger – Harry's other best friend, who happens to be a girl. There's nothing between them, they're just friends; nothing more, nothing less. She possesses the "plot device", a mystical artifact famed for its ability to counter the feared Wryter's Blok. As well as being the plot device, she is also a mudblood. Usually, mudbloods are shot on sight in the wizarding world but Dumbledore (see below) made an exception, as Hermione would ultimately act as a human shield for Harry in the second-to-last book. Hermione is now currently a United Airlines flight attendant, and was the one who not only dragged Dr. David Dao's ass off the plane, she also inadvertently dragged off Cho Chang from UA1, a flight bound to Hogwarts. She is also the secret secretary of Oscar Munoz, CEO of United Airlines. This scandal has been exposed, and the chairman of UA refused to grant Munoz bonuses. The reason she landed up here was a result of bipartisan protests in the Ministry Of Magic due to her Muggle status. Her service in UA is actually her sentence for being too feminist.
  • Albus Dumbledore – The Headmaster of Hogwarts known for his eccentricity and subtle campiness. He took the position after retiring from his previous position, guide of a hobbit guerrilla army obsessed with finger jewelry. Snape kills him in book six, but who doesn't know that by now? Yeesh.
  • James Potter – Harry Potter's mother's husband's son's father's cousins daughter twice removed. A popular playboy and mobster (therefore jerk), he is believed to have been killed along with Harry's mother, but actually left the story for a totally different story about surgeons during the Korean War.
  • Fawkes – Dumbledore's phoenix. He is put to sleep by animal control after an outbreak of swine flu.
  • Severus Snape – Harry's mortal enemy #3 out of 10000 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 12). He is a good character deserving of your pity, unless you've only read through book six, in which case he's evil. Second cousin of Miss Hardbroom from the Worst Witch novels, he kills Dumbledore in book six, but unless you've lived under a rock, you should know this several times over by now.

Antagonists[edit | edit source]

  • He Who Must Definitely be Named – Harry's mortal enemy #1. We must not name him under any circumstances. Otherwise known as 'you know who' or 'that bald git with no nose' or 'Voldemort'–damn it! Lord Voldemort, once known as Tom "Dom" Potter, wants to kill everyone and has at least 7 pieces of his heart scattered across the globe. Rumour has it one piece was found in the Vatican in Pope Benedict's chamber pot. Another piece is located in the offices of United Airlines, and another is located in Kim Jong Un's secret safe in Pyongyang.
  • Cedric Diggory – Harry's mortal enemy #963 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 16). A prominent member of House Fluffywifflepants, his death at the hands of Wormtail is ultimately blamed on FWI (Flying While In-a-silly-named-house), something that Harry considers to be a grave miscarriage of justice. He dies and is transformed into Edward Cullen.
  • Draco Malfoy – Harry's mortal enemy #2 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 22). He doesn't kill Dumbledore, but Snape does.
  • Neville Longbottom is an unremarkable student that nobody likes or cares about. In reality, he had a 50-50 chance of being the main character, but unfortunately Voldemort He Who Must Not Be Named, using the questionable means of Eeny Meeny Miny Mo, decided Harry would give the series better readings, and chose him instead. Although throughout the majority of the books, Neville has no skills whatsoever and is called a noob by most of the other characters, in the seventh book Neville manages to summon a sword from a shabby old hat to strangle a snake.
  • Luna Lovegood – Harry's snorkack-obsessed friend who is cooler than he will ever be!
  • Bellatrix Lestrange – Harry's mortal enemy #3228 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 27) whose hobbies include hating mudbloods, torturing mudbloods, killing mudbloods, disemboweling Mudbloods, basket weaving, being completely annoying, and ruining everything.
  • Ginny Weasley – The girl Harry loves and marries (and likely divorces), as opposed to the more obvious guess of Hermione.
  • Dobby – A cross between Sméagol and Jar-Jar Binks, is Harry's servant. He works for keebler by baking cookies until constant attacks from the Rice Crispies elves took their toll on him. Wounds up dead by means of an unknown accord; while he was evaporating elsewhere, a magically disfunction imbedded a knife into his heart.
  • Hagrid – is one of Harry's oafish and unethical teachers, whose disability (gigantism) gives him permission to take a seeing-eye dragon into public places. He leaves the series in book six to play for the Chicago Bulls.
  • Sirius Black – Harry's godfather who dies after Bellatrix pushes him into a mysterious curtain. According to the CDC, his is only one of 7,000 anual deaths caused by mysterious curtains. JK Rowling makes no further efforts to address the issue.

Controversy[edit | edit source]

Only a month after the first book hit the shelves, Satanic spies that were planted in the Christian churches of America took notice of how popular the books were. Wanting to take advantage of the opportunity, they came to meet at a Burger King in Little Rock, Arkansas, to discuss how to take advantage of the newest craze. This meetting would later be known as "Satan's Rally of '97".

The members of Satan's rally bounced ideas off each other, trying to figure out how to use the otherwise harmless fantasy story about a boy coming of age to promote their goals of indoctrinating the youngest of their congregation into the occult. Reverend Jim Carrey, halfway through the night, finally brought up the idea of using Reverse Psychology. They would make it seem that Rowling was meaning to indroctrinate the children into the Church of Satan, and they would meanwhile demonize her.

Since kids are little idiots and will indulge in whatever they are not allowed to have, this plan worked wonders for the Satanic community. Children across the country were buying the books behind the backs of their parents. Since the church-seeded spies insisted that reading the books would turn the people who read them into witches, the children were not far behind in following those orders.

Although Rowling was upset at the slander at first, she soon found out that her books were more popular than ever before. Her morals were soon drowned out by the large pile of money that she sleeps on to this very day.

See also[edit | edit source]