Ancient Korea

Ancient Korea was made of three (3) warring kingdoms that pretty much all fought amongst themselves. These kingdoms were:

1. Goguryeo, which was huge and they were like, "Damn we're huge. Have you ever seen anything as huge as us? Let's take over China. Oh shit! Here comes Xena! Aaah! She's so hot though..."
2. Silla, which was in the southeast and basically kicked ass under the wise but ruthless leadership of the famous woman queen, Xena the Warrior Princess (선덕 Seondeok).
3. Baekje, which was on the west coast and they were like, "Whatzup bro, wanna a toke?" but then Silla kicked their asses.

Then there was the Tamna Kingdom on what's now Jeju Island. They basically hung out at the beach and ate abalone the whole time while the rest of the Koreans killed each other and ate kimchi. Oh yeah, lastly there was the tiny Gaya kingdom down on the southern tip of the peninsula, good friends with a close relationship with Japan. Goddamn treehuggers.

It's hard to believe that all of these vast kingdoms could have conceivably co-existed for any length of time on one tiny and insignificant peninsula, but there you go.

Goguryeo

Goguryeo was the biggest and Chaddest of the three kingdoms. During the reign of God-Emperor Gang Ghetto the Great, Goguryeo conquered most of China, Mongolia, Southeast Asia, and Hungary. It is theorized that Gang Ghetto the Great may be a direct descendent of Obi-Wan Kenobi, a general during the Finno-Korean hyperwar. Goguryeo was known for its based and redpilled elite force, the Kemamusa. However, after the death of Emperor Gang Ghetto, Goguryeo went downhill. (See below)

Baekje

Baekje was the weakest of the three kingdoms. It failed to do anything really all that significant during its pathetically small period of existence and got penetrated by Silla around the 4th Century.

Silla

Silla was a proto-fascist kingdom which later became the final winner of the three kingdoms. Silla was known for many things, especially its ruthless queen Xena Zhing Zhong II (known domestically as Seondeok). However, what made Silla truly terrifying was its elite proto-femboy force, the Hwarang. The Hwarang was an elite force consisting of Silla's most effeminate fuckboys, who were all masters of psychological warfare. When Emperor Gang Ghetto passed away in Goguryeo, Silla took the opportunity, and mobilized its army of femboys, kidnapping and torturing Goguryeo citizens. Not even the Kemamusa were immune to Silla's horrible atrocities. Furthermore, Silla operatives contacted with Chinese forces. Together, the two executed a joint operation of inter-breeding Goguryeo citizens and Chinese, which dramatically dropped Goguryeo's sperm rate.

Eventually, Goguryeo was broken apart, piece by piece, and succumbed under femboy tyrannny. It is estimated that the male fertility of an average Korean male dropped by approximately 187% during this period of Korean history: a dreadful episode of Korean history which modern-day Korea yet struggles to overcome.

Later events

After Silla's horrible domination over the Korean peninsula, the entire Korean race began facing extinction. However, the emergence of the Mongols managed to save the Korean race.

The Mongols were looking for new places for their horses to graze (and to crap, so they weren't grazing in horse crap — i.e., the horses, not the Mongols). The Mongols found Ancient Korea and told the ancient Koreans "Thanks for helping us get to Japan, aren't our swords shiny and sharp?", and the Koreans were like "Sure, we'll help you get to Japan!". So the Mongols tried to invade Japan by cutting across Korea's backyard, but they got sloppy and a big wind sunk their ships. Twice; no joke.

Inter-breeding between Koreans and Mongols during this period managed to increase the Korean sperm rate to a demographically acceptable level.

Later, the Japanese, remembering that their friendly neighbors in Korea helped the Mongols, decided that Korea should help Japan invade China. The Koreans, having already had their fill of company lately, politely declined the offer. Japan invited themselves over anyway and made themselves at home in Korea for a few years. They were going to stay on Korea's couch, but when they realized Korea didn't have a couch, decided to rape and pillage the country instead. A Korean Naval Admiral (Naval as in ship, not navel as in belly-button), kicked Japan's butt. Twice. The Admiral died, but so did the Japanese leader, so it was pretty much a draw. Japan went home, having overstayed their welcome, and the Chinese reinforcements to Korea's cause got bored and took their swords and balls and went home too. Later still, the Japanese, still butt-hurt over losing to Korea, visited Korea for a few more years after the first World War, but got kicked out when the Americans realized that Korea made much better TVs.

See also

• Ancient China
• Ancient Japan

The Not-So-United States of Korea