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Today's featured article
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WASHINGTON D.C. -- Horror was brought to NASA's headquarters as the north star, also known as Polaris, had suddenly vanished this night. Outcry has spread across the world, as compasses are exploding everywhere, as their only source of direction has unexpectedly disappeared. The subspecies of human known as "flat earthers" claim this as a victory against the globists, although their statements are complete and utter bullshit.

Now, for our non-space fans here, fucking shoot yourself. Why would you read an article about the North Star disappearing... if you don't know about it? But for the majority of you non-space fans who haven't shot themselves, the description of what the north star is... well, in the name. It's a star aligned perfectly north. If we get rid of it... NO MORE NORTH!

... anyways ... (Full article...)

In the news
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"BOMBOCLAAAAAT!"

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Republicans and rich people fleeing NYC

Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • the guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart • Nick Mangold • Jamaica, at the hands of Hurricane Melissa • Toronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland

Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career • Coral reefs • The economy of Capitalism in NYC • Bills Mafia's livers and kidneys after losing horribly to the Miami Dolphins • Weed

On this day in history
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November 13: Quack Like a Duck Day

  • 7573 BC - Hermes and Aphrodite have a lovely bouncing boy, Hermaphroditus.
  • 832 - Saint Anselm is permabanned from the Vatican for setting fire to the Pope.
  • 1972 - Mediocre Britain votes on whether to join the Europe Community, turnout low, result 6-4.
  • 1978 - While starring in an open-air production of Shakespeare's Henry V, Sir John Gielgud is carried off by a hunting kingfisher. He is found unharmed some hours later, having tricked the bird into incubating his egg-like head.
  • 1990 - The first webcomic is launched, entitled Two Sarcastic Badgers and Some Clipart.
  • 2007 - The Gummy Bear™ album gets released in stores much to the exhilaration of a quarter of Earth's population.
Featured biography
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Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

Picture of the day
Chill The Fuck Out
 Ben & Jerry's introduces a new flavor, designed to help you relax.

Image credit: RadicalX
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?
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  • ... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?
  • ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
  • ... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
  • ... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
  • ... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
  • ... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
  • ...that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
  • ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
  • ... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
  • ...that I'm better than this person in particular?
  • ... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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