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COLUMBUS, Indiana -- Psycho Christian white supremacist former Vice President Mike Pence has gotten himself into another pickle. Only this time, it's quite literally a pickle. The former VP discovered that he had turned into a former cucumber.
"No explanation at all," Pence told Newsmax Tuesday. "I just woke up one day and discovered I had turned into a pickle. I know the European Union turned President Trump into a walrus, and former Press Secretary... What was that bastard's name again?... into an eggman, but I believe they wouldn't waste their time on me. I believe it was Hillary Clinton, Obama, The Bidens, the Kennedys, The Addams Family, Rosie O'Donnell, Britney Spears, Oprah, Steve Harvey and those goddamned liberal Democrats who stole the election from me-- I mean, us!"
There is zero evidence of any of these parties being involved in the incident.
"Mother is going to be ashamed of me. She warned me about sticking my pickle where it didn't belong."
To make matters worse, Dan Harmon has filed a cease-and-desist against Pence.
Twitter erupted in the wake of the news. Donald Trump tweeted: "I know for a terrific 100 percent FACT that LEBROWN JAMES is rebonsisple for this. NFL should suspend him. GO BACK TO YOUR SHITHOLE COUNTRY!" Then Trump remembered that he was banned in January.
Palmer Report tweeted: "Still a bigger pickle than Donald Trump's."
Rob Reiner: "Funniest shit I've ever seen!" (Full article...)
- Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
- YouTube is dead
- D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
- Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
- Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
- NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
- Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
- Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
- Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
- Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
- Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
- Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
- Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
- Santa's Elves on strike
- UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
- Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?
Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision
Recent deaths: O. J. Simpson · Bernard Hill · Nemo's first trophy · Roger Corman · Chrissie from Jaws
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)
May 14: "Aren't Space Stations Just Spaceships That Can't Move?" Day (U.S.)
- 468 BC - The color of the sky deemed to be blue by Greek philosophers.
- 1607 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia is founded in the middle of a swamp, local mosquito population ravaged by Human flu.
- 1846 - The United States snatches Mexico's purse and pilfers 500,000 square miles of sweet land.
- 1974 - NASA accidentally launches the planned Skylab station into the ocean. (Pictured)
- 1975 - Vehicle meant to retrieve Skylab from the ocean accidentally launched into outer space, vehicle renamed to Skylab.
- 1976 - Astronauts stage a mutiny against Earth after being tethered to a giant claw for three months.
- 2007 - After billions of dollars of research and intense study, Bill Gates finally hits puberty.
- 2008 - The Secret Service find George W. Bush hiding behind a vase in the White House cantina: "Is my presidency over?" Bush says.
- 2074 - I lose my house keys again.
Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.
Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.
Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)
Featured today a long time ago
- UnNews:Mike Pence turns into a pickle, featured on 14 May 2021: Featured version
- Why?:Are motorists out to get me when I ride my bike?, featured on 14 May 2014: Featured version
- Super Mario Bros., featured on 14 May 2012: Featured version
- Don Martin, featured on 14 May 2011: Featured version
- Chatroulette, featured on 14 May 2010: Featured version
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Gosh, Wikipedia is starting to get a little too big... Image credit: DaMenace |
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<option>*... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
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The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur
Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.
It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)
HowTo:Write the Great American Novel
The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.
Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.
This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)
Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys
Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"
Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.
But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)
Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects as well as some foreign language Uncyclopedias and Illogicopedia.
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