User:Roza/main page
I am a free man. I understand that the first person singular is un-encyclopedic in tone but this language is absolutely necessary to establish my status as a sovereign citizen, beholden to no laws or government whatsoever. You might say, "You're above the law? What are you, some kind of Jew?" Well, I'm here to tell you (and by my willful volition establish joinder with you) that no one is under any "law".
You see, there is no government – only a giant maritime corporation with contracts called "laws" that the goddamn Feds have led you to believe control you. But they don't. The only real law that controls you is the natural laws of the universe and the Common law of the ancient English. All you have to do to reclaim your natural-born status as a freeman on the land is to say a few keywords to the police and the courts; they'll have no choice but to relinquish their kike-like grasp over you and cede to your superior logic and legal skills. (Full article...)
- Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
- NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
- Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
- Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
- Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
- Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
- Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
- Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
- Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
- Santa's Elves on strike
- UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
- Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?
Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)
April 19: Clitoris Awareness Day
- 1559 - Scholars at the University of Padua, Italy, discover the first clitoris in recorded history.
- 1775 - In a New York study on sexual behavior, researchers find the clitoris to be more important to sexual pleasure than the actual vagina, small penises find new hope.
- 1913 - The sale of vibrators are banned in France, due to electrical grid overload issues.
- 1957 - Oral sex becomes a popular alternative to intercourse, condom sales decline.
- 1998 - Windows 98 is released, memory leaks in the OS cause Bill Gates to be declared the world's "Biggest Clitoris". (Pictured)
- 1999 - Bill Clinton has a threesome and sorely disappoints, policy wonks tells Americans not to jump to conclusions.
- 2011 - Aperture Science launches new official holiday, supposedly better than Christmas.
Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.
Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."
Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.
In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)
Featured today a long time ago
- Sovereign citizen, featured on 19 April 2016: Featured version
- Uncyclopedian, featured on 19 April 2015: Featured version
- UnNews:Man's nipples fall right off, featured on 19 April 2013: Featured version
- UnScripts:Titanic Wireless Transmissions Conspiracy, featured on 19 April 2012: Featured version
- Salem witch trials, featured on 19 April 2011: Featured version
Recent articles
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- Urban Dictionary
GI Jew: The Movie is a 2006 remake of the classic Torah! Torah! Torah! of 1967 fame. The remake underwent many names before GI Jew was chosen, including Hebrews with Hutzpah and Israel is Real. Image credit: RadicalX |
- ... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)
- ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
- ... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
- ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
- ... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
- ... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
- ... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
- ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
- ... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
- ... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
- ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
- ... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur
Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.
It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)
HowTo:Write the Great American Novel
The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.
Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.
This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)
Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys
Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"
Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.
But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)
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