Padmé Amidala

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“You're a funny little boy. How do you know so much?”

Padmé hitting on 9-year-old Darth Vader
Padmé reacts after hearing that her planet is blockaded by strangely-dressed Chinese aliens.

Padmé Naberrie Amidala is a monotone character in the Star Wars prequels, portrayed by Natalie Portman. She was a cute senator and former fairy queen of the little planet Naboo, which was the capital of the Chommell Sector near the Outer Rim Territories a long time ago in a galaxy far, far[1] away. In spite of her clandestine sexuality, she had small but titillating breasts, which quite handily drove young Anakin Skywalker to the darth side of the Force.

Padmé was most well-known as "Vader's babe", so one can just imagine how gullible she might have been. In the Star Wars films, she plays a bland character with little substance other than being a cute and feisty host incubator for the two heroes, Luke and Leia. In any case, she's a minor footnote[2] in science fiction history, and her plot position is so ambiguous that it is nearly impossible to categorize her as either a loyalist or separatist.

Biography

Childhood

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For those interested in the full story, the self-proclaimed experts at Wookieepedia think they have an article about Padmé Amidala.

Padmé was born in 46 BBY on Naboo.[3] She was adopted at birth by director Lucge Bomod, who wanted her as an actress for his documentary The Intergalactic Skirmishes. She lived on the film production set in Theed, a beautiful city with exotic architecture and waterfalls nary lower than five feet in length. She only came out of her room for supper and filming.

Child molestation

I can see why Anakin went to the darth side.

In spite of ephebophile Senator Palpatine's repeated advances, Padmé was herself a pedophile, and she became the star-slut of Anakin Skywalker, five years her junior. The strange love between Anakin and Padmé, as bizarre as it was, isn't at all hard for most people to imagine. She also frequently had sacred mushrooms in coffee, as they work wonders for the Nabooian landscape.

Anakin, an upstart "pod" racer from Tatooine, thought Padmé possessed the beauty of an angel, and could not stop staring at her. One thing led to another, and the two quickly started petting. What followed is strictly tabooine, especially on Tatooine, but may safely be described with the innocent metaphor of a train entering and exiting a tunnel—repeatedly, with raindrops and lollipops.

Children and death

The light goes out...and the seeds of Luke and Leia are planted.

To facilitate their tryst, Padmé and Anakin got married and had two children, Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker. Why Luke wasn't also a prince is anyone's guess—although there must be a good reason, and if anyone knows it's George Lucas. Perhaps it was a plot device to assist in him having the hots for his sister.

Anakin turned to the darth side of the Force and changed his name to Darth Vader to protect Padmé from death. But one day, Vader got so infuriated when he wrongly presumed Padmé was secretly in love with his dashing mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, that he used the power of the Force to choke and kill her. Yes, he choked his own wife because he threw a temper tantrum — his pregnant wife, at that. What a dick.

Legacy

After getting the shit burned out of him and donning a cool black suit, Vader spent his time running from the law, with his vengeful children hot on his trail. He also was engaged in cleansing the galaxy of cheating whores, wherever they could be found. A popular cameo appearance on Wanted DOA lead to Vader's eventual capture by his own son, who ordered him to stop being a prick and get rid of the evil Emperor, who was none other than...dun, dun, duh...Chancellor Palpatine, which he did like a dutiful father.

Earthling George Lucas tried to right the wrongs by making the Star Wars franchise and bring Padmé's legacy to the masses. But it was too late to save her, as Palpatine was only kidding when he told Vader about that "power of the darth side" crap. Later, Vader was subdued and subsequently cleared of all charges after copping a temporary insanity plea.

Question: loyalist or separatist?

The question of Padmé being on the side of the good guys (Galactic Republic) or the bad guys (Confederacy of Independent Systems) is a question best left to intergalactic historians, mind readers, and George Lucas' wife. But you, the readers, can decide for yourselves. For now, we'll just say she's Imperial because she was Darth Vader's wife.

Famous Padmé quotes

Padmé had more than just tiny boobs.


HowTo:Seduce Padmé Amidala by Darth Vader

  • STEP ONE: Gaze at her lustfully while drooling from the mouth.

“Please don't look at me like that.”

~ Padmé Amidala speaking to dashing young Darth Vader
  • STEP TWO: Apologize.

“Sorry, m'lady.”

~ Darth Vader replies to Padmé
  • STEP THREE: Let her make the next move.

“Are you allowed to love? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi.”

~ Padmé Amidala speaking to dashing young Darth Vader
  • STEP FOUR: Lie your arse off.

“Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as bare-back shagging, is central to a Jedi's life. And so you might say that we are encouraged to screw.”

~ Darth Vader replies to Padmé
  • STEP FIVE: Let her make the next move.

“So, are you gonna use one of your Jedi mind tricks on me?”

~ Padmé Amidala speaking to dashing young Darth Vader
  • STEP SIX: Tell the truth.

“That only works on weak-minded sluts. So, yeah!”

~ Darth Vader replies to Padmé

Feetnotes

  1. far
  2. Padmé
  3. Time in the Star Wars universe is reckoned using as a basis the exact moment in A New Hope when the stormtrooper entering the control room on the Death Star bangs his head on the door and yells. Using this system, events occurring before this moment are designated BBY (before bang/yell), and events after ABY (after bang/yell).

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