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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.
This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.
What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)
Featured today, a long long time ago
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Did you know...
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- ... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)
- ... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)
- ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
- ... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
- ... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
- ... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
- ... that this sentence is incomple
- ... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
- ... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
- ... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)
- ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
- ... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
- ... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
- ... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
- ... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
- ... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
- ... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
- ... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?
- ... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
- ... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
- ... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
- ... that this sentence is incomple
- ... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
- ... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
- ... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
- ... that the entire army of Liechtenstein consists of 3 soldiers? (Pictured)
- …that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
- ... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
- ... that women get periods, but men get commas?
- ... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
- ... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
- ... that sheep shrink when it rains?
- ... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
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In the news
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On this day...
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March 14: American π Day
- 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define π as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
- 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
- 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
- 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
- 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
- 2004 - The day Krabs fries
- 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."
- 2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
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