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Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.

Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.

Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?
... that the butler did it?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that creating an account comes with a 50% higher chance of leaving of Uncycloland alive?
... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?

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In the news
Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd. World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season • Jesus Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP UnNews – Radio Free Lunch
On this day...
April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Day 1220 - Rampaging crusaders drive a trebuchet through the walls of two towers in Ancient Syria. 1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroad and sells his soul to Satan 1888 - Vivaldi composes new record "A Change of Four Seasons", inspired by regressive metal band Dream Theater. 1945 - Scientists discover that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backward you'll hear someone cough, but backwards. 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier. 1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of The Smiths. 1996 - Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature, and killing like six people. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us clear the ivy of crap, and plant the seeds of humour.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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