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The Doctor is a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation Superfluous. He is 903 years old,and serves in the capacities of saviour of lives and guardian of justice—as well as your host on the BBC1 documentary Doctor Who.

The Doctor was born between a Time Lord father and a genetic construction device "mother", on the planet Gallifrey. His father wanted him to be a doctor or a lawyer, and forced him to study at Gallifrey Medical University's citadel campus. However, he instead developed an interest in gadgetry and time travel, a paradoxically taboo subject amongst the Time Lords, and transferred to the Time Lord Academy. He built his own time-travelling TARDIS, which he gave away and then subsequently stole back. One day, he would be able to brag to inferior beings that he built the TARDIS, and subsequently confuse them by also saying that he stole it.

Just then, the Daleks, then a peaceful race of exterminators, went to war with the Time Lords, due to a horrible misunderstanding of the word "Time Lord," which in fact meant "termite" in the Dalek language. The Doctor escaped with his TARDIS, and he landed on Earth, specifically London, New Year's Day, 1963, and adopted Susan Foreman as his granddaughter, taking her last name to form his false Earth identity, "Doctor Foreman." At this point, the TARDIS became stuck in the shape of a police box. (Full article...)

Did you know...

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  • ... that Vincent Price is laughing at you from the grave? (Pictured)
  • ... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
  • ...that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
  • ...that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
  • ... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
  • ... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
  • ... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?

In the news

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Well, that says a lot...

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • SNL cast exodus • K-pop: The Movie • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys

Recent deaths: Ozzy OsbourneChuck MangioneHulk HoganResident AlienDown syndromeTom LehrerThe systemFUBARCartoon Network on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence StampThe Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) • Trump's pet slothJoe Burrow's toe • Robert Redford

Upcoming deaths: DEIR. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger (in jail) • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan BergmanDallas Cowboys' and Cincinnati Bengals' seasons • MSNBCLil Nas XDonald TrumpWindows 10

On this day...

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September 19: Talk Like A Pirate Day (International), Talk Regularly Day (Somalia)

  • 1778 – The Continental Congress passes the first budget of the United States, budgeting 10,000 doubloons for defense, 5000 pieces of eight for social programs, and additional booty to highways.
  • 1796George Washington makes his farewell address, saying "Aye me mateys, it were good being captain of this fine ship of state."
  • 1957 – First U.S. underground nuclear bomb test is conducted, shivering timbers as far as 500 miles away.
  • 1970 – Pirates the world over rejoice at Oldsmobile's launch of the Cutlass Supreme.
  • 1985 – First pirated movie released. It is rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!
  • 1995 – First Talk Like a Pirate Day. It rapidly replaces the unpopular Talk Like a Ninja Day, which involved people saying nothing so as to conceal their presence.
  • 1997 - Mike Tyson ruthlessly made fun of after doing a pirate impression. Three ears are added to his collection.
Colonization of the Week
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Help us clear the ivy of crap,
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Writer and Noob of the Month

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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