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Dead Dicks, besides being the enduring legacy of mythomaniacal former U.S. Presidents, Lyndon Baines Johnson and "Tricky Dick" Nixon, are also a numerical unit of one in Vietnam War "grunt-speak." The term was first used to describe a war stiff reported by the Vietnamese and American governments during the "body count" game. "Body-count" was a ghastly, albeit highly rated televised sport notorious for being imposed on the citizens of Vietnam and America by the captains of both teams. Essentially a dead dick is the complete opposite of a live dick, also known in Vietnam as a "Swinging Dick." From the onset both sides of the conflict agreed via negotiations that "the only good dick is a dead one." Accordingly the scoring system came into play and the game was once again a-foot. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that you can meet all sorts of interesting people when you're drunk? (Pictured)

... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured)

... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?

... that the Angel of Death is after you? (Pictured)

... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that this sentence is incomple
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?

... that my English teacher is gay? (Pictured)

... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?

... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?

... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that the police are at your door?

... that my English teacher is gay? (Pictured)

... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that you've just lost the game?

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?

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In the news
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Privacy-infringing Nanny state officials enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran Recent deaths: Team Canada's pride • Some nerd named Robert Carradine • Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran Undetermined: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad UnNews – Radio Free Lunch**
On this day...
March 7: Talk Like Caveman Day 11,000 BC - Grog think very hard and make up number coming after two, called like "tree" but dumb: Grog pummeled with many rock for wasting everybody's time. 9800 BC - All the mammoths are burned to death by Grog, his friends pelt him with poop since they have no food, but now there is no poop to eat either. 2580 BC - Grog's best friend Enkidu seduced by city-slicker propaganda, play dress up as civilized instead of sucking on rocks and eating bugs like good old days. 2500 BC - Grog sandboards down the slope of the Pyramids, is detained and put on cave arrest. 1309 AD - Grog is happy and healthy in cave, while stupid civilized people die of Cholera and Plague, at least until Grog eat juicy rat. 1995 - Unabomber say modern gizmos bad for soul of humanity, but Grog have smelly green leg and must punch antelope to death everyday for breakfast so what does he know. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

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