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Today's featured article

I was sitting in my living room very late at night, watching the Friday the 13th franchise. Something felt off, though. I don't mean in the way some horror movies might make you uneasy; something felt really, really wrong. That's when I heard it.

KI KI KI MA MA MA

I immediately got up and looked out the window. That's when I saw the bastard.

Jason Voorhees. Standing underneath a streetlight. No weapon. No credit card. No signup. No bullshit. He's not here to kill me; he's here to lay a goddamn beatdown, no two ways about it. I'll be damned if I let that happen. Me and him were staring at each other for about ten seconds before he started walking towards my house. Time to face the music. (Full article...)

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Did you know?

... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?

... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?

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In the news

Not my baby!

Dingo eats a woman's baby (Pictured)
Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky star.
Indy police: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez literally butt-fumbles in real life
Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
The US government continues to shit itself
Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her football player boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C. • World Series (now featuring endless innings!) • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince

Recent deaths: Trump's pet sloth • Robert Redford • U.S. Federal Government • Jane Goodall • The Yankees' World Series dreams • Diane Keaton • Gaza War • Drew Struzan • Windows 10 • D'Angelo • YouTube player's old design • A guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career• Coral reefs • Capitalism in NYC • MLB fans' sleep schedules • Jamaica, at the hands of Hurricane Melissa

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On this day

These people are really getting into the spirit of the season

October 31: International Dress Like an Idiot Day

1517 - The Protestant Reformation begins. After spending all week on his robot costume, Martin Luther goes to the local church but they won't give him candy. He plays a trick on them spreading his theses all over the church door.
1897 - The City of London's Best Halloween Costume prize is awarded to Oscar Wilde for his clever Oscar Wilde costume.
1969 - Women discover that instead of putting time into making an awesome costume they can just take a normal job uniform and slut it up a bit.
1970 - Richard Nixon puts poison and razor blades in children's candy.
2025 - The end is marked by children knocking on your door and asking for treats.

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Picture of the day

Even the power of an iPod is no match for the common gun.

Image credit: Llama-Llover
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