User:TheLick/Main Page

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Today's featured article

Portrait of Gouverneur Morris (1752-1816), 1817.jpg

Gouverneur Morris was a Founding Father of the United States and the author of the Preamble to the United States Constitution. He was rich, influential, and wore only the finest powdered wigs. Then he shoved a whale bone up his dickhole and died.

Morris was born in 1752 in Morrisania. The Morrises were the kind of wealthy landowning family that thought "Morrisania" was a perfectly normal thing to name your house and "Gouverneur" was a perfectly normal thing to name your baby. Morris's birth was a notoriously difficult one. After thirty-six hours of labor, his mother, exhausted and delirious, famously cried out, "Does my baby draw breath? Does he yet live?"

"Yeah," said the midwife. "He'll be just fine as long as he doesn't shove a whale bone up his dickhole. That will be forty cents." Ironically they had to use forceps to remove them, ones made out of whalebone. That may have started a thing with Morris. (Full article...)

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In the news

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YANKEES SUCK!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE raids • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • the New England Patriots suddenly being good again

Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • the guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart • Nick Mangold • Jamaica • Toronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • Mark Butt-fumble's TV career • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • The penny

Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Chiefs Kingdom's livers and kidneys after realizing they might actually miss the playoffs • Weed

On this day

Is it cannibalism if a couch potato eats crisps?

November 21: International Couch Potato Day

  • 1847 - The Great Irish Potato Famine reduces the number of Couch Potatoes in Scotland and Ireland by 25%. Tragically, this results in a global Deep-fried Mars Bar recession.
  • 1877 - Thomas Edison announces his invention of the Pornograph, which is like a regular phonograph, except Edison describes to you various sex acts in shocking detail.
  • 1922 - First female senator from Georgia introduces bill which says husbands should at least consider putting the dishes in the sink, is immediately impeached.
  • 1963 - Lee Harvey Oswald gets laid for the last time, at least, the last time with a woman.
  • 1974 - U.N. peacekeepers attempt to grow potatoes in Gaza, but the spuds are promptly blown up by the IDF due to growing underground.
  • 1985 - Double agent Jonathan Pollard caught and arrested for leaking to Israel the secrets of getting lox to not be so slimy.
  • 2013 - Protests erupt in Ukraine after Yanukovych reveals that Ukrainian language is just Russian but spelled funny.
  • 2017 - The U.K. Supreme Court rules that jacket potatoes are potatoes covered in leather.

Picture of the day

Dog Hazard
 By popular demand, the National Pet Association has released a new guide for the best household chemicals to use for exploding your dog. Caveat Canem, indeed.

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