User:TheLick/Main Page

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Today's featured article

Microwave.jpg

The microwave oven is a rectangular box, usually white in color, which is used to heat up random objects such as tin foil, doll heads, frogs, and other small creatures. Microwave ovens are found in kitchens all over the world, and have been featured in thousands of online videos made by middle school aged teens. Microwaves have also been recognized as the head chef of many establishments, such as Olive Garden. Often called a nuclear oven as opposed to a conventional oven, this infernal device could only be conceived by the cruelest minds in the DEEPEST PITS OF HELL, most undoubtedly conceived by such abhorrid demon philosophers as Heinrich Himmler, Jack the Ripper, and Al Gore, in a fashion that Lucifer's own damned, radiating evilness served as a rudimentary template of unholy culinary design, the microwave is an ingenious yet simple device used to burn food around the edges, turn bacon into rubber, make biscuits into hockey pucks, burn water, create civil unrest in African countries, stale a newly opened can of Guinness, cancel your favorite TV sitcom, interrupt your wireless internet connection, excommunicate the Pope, and explode hamsters by zapping them with rays of concentrated evil. Rays of concentrated evil cause atoms to become angry, thus raising their temperatures. When turned on, a microwave oven goes bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! (Full article...)

Did you know?

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  • ... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?
  • ... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
  • ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
  • ... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
  • ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
  • ... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
  • ... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
  • ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?

In the news

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"Nyaaah, it's not worthless, mommy, I WANT IT!"

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Venezuelans unsure whether to freak out or celebrate • Bills Mafia and Josh Allen drinking themselves to death • New England Patriots fans being insufferable like it's 2016

Recent deaths: Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down • the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Buffalo Bills', San Francisco 49ers', Houston Texans' and Da Bears' seasons • Bo Nix's ankle • Sean McDermott's Bills tenure

Not dead: Eleven

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • The Kansas City "Chiefs" • Broncos' Super Bowl hopes without Bo Nix • Aaron Rodgers' career • Bills' Super Bowl window

On this day

January 23: Being Cut Off in the Middle of a Sentence Day

  • 1321 - Pope Francis admits that the Vatican is actually a dormant—
  • 1953 - Communists Chinamen will spring a massive coup in fourteen—
  • 1969 - NASA warns that alien invaders will attack the city of—
  • 2005 - The CIA finally admits it killed—
  • 2011 - D.B Cooper comes out of hiding, reveals his money is hidden in—
  • 2013 - MIT discovers the secret to immortality. It's so simple. The one thing you should never do is—
  • 2809 - Second Coming of Jesus! Jesus descends to Earth and—
  • 3809 - Judgment Day! God says you can get into heaven by—

Picture of the day

Fox News: Middle-earth edition
 In an effort to extend its presence to areas that were previously only covered by UnNews, Fox News has founded a subsidiary in Middle Earth to stay competitive on the misinformation provider market.

Image credit: Kharpert
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