UnNews:Obama to America: "April Fools!"
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
1 April 2010
WASHINGTON DC - Over a week after the historic health care bill was passed, President Barack Obama gave his seven hundredth speech on health care reform today in front of the United States Congress. Addressing the nation in the most serious expression and tone, the President said:
| “ | My fellow Americans: April Fools! | ” |
This left a cold silence in the house, broken only by the President's own hysterical laughter. After calming down and catching his breath, President Obama explained the joke to the confused masses:
| “ | You're probably wondering what's so funny. I'll tell you what's funny: The health care bill! The entire thing. It's one big, fat joke!
Think about it: Forcing everyone to buy insurance in order to lower premium costs? That's preposterous! It completely defies the law of supply and demand! Just saying it out loud reveals it's absurdity! And let's not forget the new regulations on insurance companies and added taxation. You'd think I was actually trying to keep prices up! Rest assured, though, if by chance you won't be able to afford health insurance after these policies take effect, you'll still receive quality, free health care once you're thrown into prison! Many out there are not worried about the economic details, but more concerned about the coverage they already have. You remember I said, "If you're satisfied with your insurance, you can keep it." Well, I want to make it completely clear once again: The government will do absolutely nothing to interfere with your current insurance policy. However, your cheapskate Scrooge of a boss has every right to dump your sorry behind on the government plan if he wants to save a few dollars! Of course, seniors want to know my solution to the upcoming Medicare deficit. In a nutshell, we're basically going to expand it to everyone! Seriously, people, Fascism wasn't this back-asswards! Oh my God, if only you could see your faces America! |
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At this point President Obama was interrupted by, "You lie!", from Representative Joe Wilson again. Obama replied, "Yeah, that was the idea, Joe." Embarrassed, Wilson sat back down, leaving the President to continue his speech.
| “ | See, I came up with this joke last year when those Tea Party protests sprung up. They were, and still are, mind you, calling me a Communist, Socialist, Nazi; comparing me to Hitler and the Antichrist. I thought to myself, What can I do to mess with these people? That's when it hit me: I'll screw around with the health care system! But I'll do it in a real hacky way, like I don't know what I'm doing. That'll be funny! I figured dragging it out for the amount of time it takes to give birth to an unaborted fetus would maximize the hilarity. And boy, did it ever! This little circus I orchestrated was the most fun I've had in years!
You wondered why Nancy Pelosi didn't want you to know what was in the bill until after it was signed into law. That was because there's barely any actual content to it. The overall bulk of the two thousand plus page bill is random filler meant to make it look more legitimate. In fact, at least fifty pages have nothing but drawings of me as an astronaut, while page 1,700 just has that week's Peanuts comic strip taped to it. Everything else was a bunch of crap I pulled right out of my rear-end! Thank goodness no single member of Congress actually read it. Heck, I didn't even sign my real name on the multi-million dollar piece of toilet paper. I wrote Billy Bob Jenkins! |
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That particular line caused every member of Congress to burst into tears laughing. Once the happy noises died down, President Obama took the time to thank everyone who made the prank possible.
| “ | First of all, this would not have been a reality if not for the late Saul Alinsky, whose writings taught me everything I know about deceiving and manipulating large groups of people.
Special thanks to Senator Al Franken for co-writing the bill and adding most of the policies/jokes. Without him, this would've been a total unequivocal failure. Senator Bart Stupak deserves some recognition for attempting to set up his own little abortion-related joke. Unfortunately, he never figured out what to do in time, so he ducked out at the last minute. Oh well. Good effort anyway, Bart. Thanks to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi for her guidance and cooperation in the prank, and for keeping Vice President Joe Biden from finding out. Sorry Joe. We couldn't let your big mouth spill the beans. Of course, I have to give credit to the Congressional Budget Office for claiming the policies in the bill would reduce the deficit, instead of making it much, much worse. That had to be the biggest joke of all! Last, but certainly not least, I want to thank Conservatives for being crazy. Your fear-mongering tactics and over-the-top exaggerations made this health care hoax beyond successful. No amount of creativity on our part could compare to right-wing conspiracists' genuine attempts to terrify everyone with their hyperbolic claims. Special thanks goes out to Sarah Palin for putting the cherry on top by starting the 'death panels' rumor. Oh yeah, millions of Americans are going die.. from their sides splitting apart! |
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Lowering his voice in a more somber tone, President Obama ended the speech by paying tribute to the late Senator Ted Kennedy.
| “ | It warms my heart to dedicate this moment to the great Teddy Kennedy, who spent his life fighting for the cause of universal health care coverage. It's a shame we had to kill him so he wouldn't be a party pooper! | ” |
A groan erupted in the audience, prompting Obama to say, "What? Too soon?" Realizing he might have overplayed it, President Obama quickly wrapped it up.
| “ | Uh... So, anyway, thank you everyone, and LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SAT.. uh.. I mean, God bless America. | ” |
Reaction to the President's April Fools prank has been mixed. Republicans have criticized the joke as mean, elitist, and Muslimish, while many on the Left, such as Congressman Dennis Kucinich, are infuriated that real health care reform has been delayed even longer. However, most mainstream Democrats, though disillusioned, are not upset, being physically incapable to think negatively about Obama. Reports from North Dakota say Billy Bob Jenkins strongly disapproves of the bill.
Immediately after the speech, a press conference was held by the White House's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. Permanently paranoid, several reporters asked if the Administration was secretly pulling any other practical jokes, such as Global Warming, or the President's recent Nobel Peace Prize, for example. "Of course not," said Gibbs, with a small snicker.
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