Widows and orphans
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Orphant 1 |
Widow And Orphan Control: The Sons We'll Take Out Tomorrow
This is my report on my topic that I was assigned for the "Technology In Your Own Words Assignment (due Tuesday next week)" called "Widow and Orphan Control" in Mrs. Webster's Third Grade Class. Here is a short summary of what I learned from my research in the library and on our classroom's favorite online encyclopaedia.
"Widow and orphan control (abbreviatedly referred to in emerging credentialing practices and recent labor statistics tables as "Control, Widow/Orphan") is a municipal service offered in many cities, prefectures, metropolitan areas, unincorporated outlying areas, suburbs, multi-use-zoned RCI districts, board-recognized very-heavy-traffic regionally-rated-hub seasonal outdoor duty-free provisionally-designated primarily-agricultural swap-meet zones (S-PASMZ), and other reasonably urbanized areas or their subdivisions around the world. It is a kind of specialty refuse mitigation service which is more specialized than traditional garbage service, and is more analogous to focused waste management franchises like the nationally-proliferating Los Angeles-based Dead Nigger Storage which originally started as an invitation-only home business.
Widespread embracing of this novel anthrodialectosociologically-deemed-"social-sanitary" cultural practice has been gradual and multi-generational, since popular opinion for the service is mixed. In some jurisdictions, NIMBY (Not In MY Backyard!) activists have successfully fought for limits to be imposed on the implementation of ground-based sequestration techniques for caching unrefurbishable materials amassed during processing. Financial analysts who invest in this sector allege that these decisions have unfairly limited on which and whose lands these firms can process and store materials associated with their lawful operation, not all of which can be either "gussied up and put back on the market" or "put to work on the street". Other venues may merely require the service provider to post a sign in a conspicuous location (in residential contexts, this could be on a garage door, or the outdoor entrance to a basement) advertising that they provide the service. Even if notice requirements have not been met, Widow and Orphan controllers are legally and morally considered to be "common carriers" of these disused materials, and are often obliged to accept unanticipated drop-off business, that is, they cannot refuse widows and orphans disclosed into their care. To compensate for this requirement, most operators assert, and regulations affirm, an operator's "right of salvage" to discarded materials -- if the servicer deems either item an attractive investment, the disposer cannot stipulate their destruction.
Often, however, the custodian of the widow or orphan, either a secondhand (or potentially a previous) owner, is not the party most likely to pay for the service. In many situations, life surety companies are the parties most incented to be the primary feeders of these materials into Widow and Orphan disposal systems, since reducing the number of these species to zero is essential for effecting a favorable balance of outpayments and inpayments absolutely towards the latter. Currently, the United States Military is ramping up research in this area, since wartime conditions mean an increase in the impact of benefits allotment on national security, and efficiency improvements in healthcare, housing, educational, and basic household item underestimation have never kept pace with the vanishingly-nonexistent optimistic, or ideal, rate of transfer disbursements. Naturally, employers, taxpayers, involuntary impregnators, fringe political ideologues, indigent-services providers, and ex-spouses have petitioned to expand the successful system of Widow and Orphan control beyond its current purview to the dissolution of other unwanted aggregates they consider refuse.
That said, the scope of widows and orphans modernly accepted by "control efforts" has undeniably expanded since the early days of the practice, which was practiced with the advent of interpersonal ceremonial burial practices among ancient Vikings, Spartans, Polynesians, Mesoamericans, and Mesopotamians in some form or another on the passing of an important paternalistic figure, often with the involved group charitably including pets, treasures special to the individual, and loyal household workers. In post-democratic Germany, for example, Widow and Orphan control was only open to certain targeted disadvantaged groups despite a tremendous buildup in concentrated facilities and heartily encouraged research and development into chemical, mechanical, kinetic, thermal, biological, surgical, environmental, and community-involvement methods for collection and ultimate remediation. Public outcry surrounding these methods did not focus on their efficacy, and mostly centered about how filtering out and prioritizing certain elements was unfair. Worse yet, a minority of historians allege that Germany's widow and orphan wartime consolidation efforts not only represented a failed final solution to the problem, but exacerbated it because of its unforeseen impacts on fathers, increasing the count of both widows and orphans. The Roman Catholic Church has also had Widow and Orphan control difficulties over the last millennium, since until recent times the Church has provincially served as the ultimate local authority for widow and orphan concerns, but only certain orphan specimens were new and pliant enough to serve their needs. In medieval times, cloistering approaches alleviated part of the problem and a mixed-system of guild referral and eccentric wealthy patron paradigms could be counted upon somewhat for the rest of it, but it wasn't until the Industrial Revolution that the characteristically large amount of Widows and Orphans lying about in the homes and churches of Catholic, near-Catholic, and ex-Catholic countries could be repurposed in factories, employed in street commerce, or sold out to independent budding medical researchers.
These days, as adoption and remarriage are on the decline because of increased supplies of pornographic materials and casual intercourse appointment-making services, and decreased supplies of free plastic surgery, diapers, lonely desperation and college funds, and adoption otherwise (at least, of Widow and Orphan Control services) is on the increase, local, state, and national communities have recognized the need to support Widow/Orphan control efforts materially and financially. Hospital waiting rooms, low-security correctional institutions, clandestine basements, slumlorded tenements, subsidized tract homes, family shelters, food banks, lovingly-designed high-capacity for-profit-foster-parent dungeons, and even underilluminated disused interstructural throughways have been donated by society for use as passive Widow-Orphan staging areas while final disposition is being determined. Additionally, even more cities, protection rackets, and fraternal brotherhoods of armed protection racketeers have taken at least the step of establishing a local "Widows and Orphans Fund", to which citizens are sometimes encouraged in an ad-hoc manner to voluntarily donate large sums out of pocket in exchange for certain expedient considerations in the course of official business.
Widow-and-Orphan control professionals are also benefiting from new state-of-the-art knowledge gained from methodical surveys of experts and the public, as well as careful research of Widow-Orphan outcomes in naturalistic settings. With this information, those looking to start a career in Widow-Orphan control can find success at the High School level, and can improve their employment chances, promotion and pay raise prospects, and occupational satisfaction by attaining a certificate from a community or junior college accredited in Widow/Orphan Control Science, W/O Engineering Technology, or Dependent Studies. These programs establish a strong foundation in the field, and impart general principles, such as the fact that reclamatory efforts geared towards orphans only establish a substantial return over time and require much up-front investment, or that widows are statistically only desirable to exploit for a year, maybe two. The Detroit Protocol for the Remediation of Widows and Orphans has these suggestions for eliminating widows: "forcing a break early, increasing the space between you, "feathering the bed" is frowned upon, adjusting your choice to be tighter or looser depending on your preference, subtle indirection, scaling back interest, reducing the attention given, or adding a new figure into the relationship". Advice for controlling orphans has to do with pulling them out of their old context and placing them front and center, perhaps with a hired helper or two to make sure they don't stray too far in either direction. Manual override techniques may force you to get your hands involved and whip unruly orphans into shape. If these temporary cures do not alleviate problem widows and orphans that are hanging around, then it is time to eliminate them completely, although in some cases, grouping up widows or orphans may help them to integrate properly.
With Widow and Orphan control, orphans will no longer be left behind,
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Annie O. |
Orphant 2 |
and widows will not have to go on awkwardly and alone.
I hope you enjoyed my report I know I did! Thank you!
- Uncyclopeedia. retreeved from WWW.en.uncyclopedia.co, Today
Here is my picchur that we needed to make my articel compleat...
