User talk:IViking

Welcome!

Hello, IViking, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for nooblets:

• Beginner's Guide
• How to be funny and not just stupid

If you read anything at all, make it the above two links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:

• About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
• How to get started editing on uncyclopedia
• Everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask
• Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue
• Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends

I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.

If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, ask an administrator on their talk page or add the following: {{help}} to this page along with a message and someone will come along and help you if they can. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply put {{adoptme}} on your Userpage to join. Again, welcome!  -- Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 16:43, 25 February 2008 (UTC)

Pee Review

Hi there IViking. I notice you've just done a lot of reviews in rapid succession. While obviously we're grateful to anyone who takes the time to try and help out, I was wondering if you'd taken the time to read the review guidelines at all? Most people who put their articles up are looking for a bit more feedback than a single line. Particularly if that line is "A little more humor, if you please?" - they are looking for ideas as to how to add humor, that's why they've asked for the review. If you can't think of any helpful advice to give, then you might want to leave the review for someone who does (we do get round to them eventually!)

And please don't ignore the review booking tags - SysRq put on on the bureaucracy review because he was going to review it. This helps people avoid reviewing the same article.

I'm sure you're trying to help, but I suspect several of those who were on the receiving end of your reviews will very shortly be asking for a second opinion. Please at least consider this before you take on any more reviews. Thanks! --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 16:06, Feb 27

Ah, I see you've gotten here first, UU. To repeat what UU said, I spent time making the {{PRIP}} to avoid edit conflicts like that one. Please use it, and in the future, please respect it when you see it on another review. Plus, your review that I thankfully reverted was unsatisfactory. Please read the guidelines and report back when you're ready to start reviewing articles. Thanks for your interest in reviews! ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF (@ 16:19 Feb 27)

I've reverted a poorly done review that you wrote. I don't have anything against AE. It's just that the way you reviewed it was done poorly. You did not point out any flaws nor gave advice on how to improve the article if it needed improving. Now AE might be taking a vacation but he wouldn't approve of a poorly done review like yours, No offense. Please read UN:PRG. It's for your own good. If you want to keep reviewing again. -- (talk) • (contribs) • (email me!) 16:30, 27 February 2008 (UTC)

Er, are you ignoring me on purpose?

1. Please stop doing unhelpful 1 line reviews.
2. Please don't review articles with a review booking template on - other people are devoting time to doing a good review on those.

Get it? Got it? Good. --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 13:29, Feb 28

It's not about being a burden. As I said in my first message, we are grateful to people who take the time to review articles on here - heaven knows there's few enough who do! However, people really appreciate tips, suggestions, and ideas, or at least a more detailed summary of the parts you thought were less good. Have a look at some of the recent reviews by me Luvvy or SysRq for examples. I'm not trying to put you off reviewing, just to make sure that the reviews done are likely to be helpful, and not just result in the articles being put straight back up for review again! What got my goat was the review on the one I'd just slapped my template on. Those templates were specifically created to stop that happening, please take notice of them! Cheers buddy! --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 13:55, Feb 28

Dear IViking

This talk section is feedback, advice, and questions only. I will provide my best answer.

...edit your questions and comments here...

Dear IViking, where do babies come from? • Spang • ☃ • talk • 17:16, 03 Mar 2008

Dear Spang, Babies spawn inside the uterus of an adult female due to the egg, that would be a baby, being fertilized by the male during intercourse. Eventually, the baby will slip out of the female's vagina and be introduced to the world. I'm sorry it's the truth and if ur too young for it, then why r u here?

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking, why did you bother making that forum when we already have Template:Noob friendly and the help forums? - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 19:54, Mar 3

Dear Sir Led Balloon, This advice and question corner in this page provides answers out of my own mind. I don't trust help forums much.

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking, given that God is infinite, and the universe itself is also infinite, how much toast should I have for breakfast? --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 19:58, Mar 3

Dear Under_user, even if God and the universe is infinite, your stomach is merely finite or limited in a period of time. Personally, eat as much toast as you want until you're full or you decide to eat no more for the day, or until you run out of bread to toast :O

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking: Do you think UU has been watching too much Red Dwarf? MrN 21:47, Mar 5

Dear MR. N9000, Red Dwarf? No way! Red Dwarf will make a depressed bastard bent on suicide rethink his future! It saves people from suicides, terrorist attacks, cancer, and Chuck Norris encounters...well maybe not Chuck Norris encounters. P.S. If you like Red Dwarf, you would also like Hitchiker's guide to my anus...uh, the Galaxy! DON'T PANIC!

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking, these people have already asked you some fantastic questions. Which question should I ask? --THE 21:20, 3 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear THE, whenever you have advice or a situation in which you need an answer to, ask it here. Whichever question is most important for you for the time being. In the meantime, I'll answer a question that's crawled unnoticeably in your skull: Who's on first? Answer: EXACTLY! (And "What" is on second, and "I don't know" is on third)

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking, what is at the end of the rainbow, and how much is it worth in GBP with current exchange rates? • Spang • ☃ • talk • 02:08, 04 Mar 2008

Dear Spang, If you wanna know what is literally at the end of the rainbow: Nothing. The rainbow is a phenomenon that is caused when light passes through rain drops and scatters the full spectrum in a brilliant display. It's not solid and doesn't usually have a pot o' gold in the end of it but if it does, since i'm american and assume GBP means Great Britain Pound, then you be rich enough to have you and your friends knighted, as well as be king of Australia. Be careful. The other end of the rainbow as homosexuals, and they are FLAAAAMING!!!

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking, how can I be sure that what I perceive all around me is real, and not just a figment of my imagination? How can I know that you, and everyone else, are not just electrical misfires of a stray conscience alone in the void, and that all that I know exists does so only in my own mind? - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 03:00, Mar 4

Dear Sir Led Balloon, It is hard to tell what's real and what's in your dreams. When you dream, you believe everything is real, only to have reality bitch-slap you in the face. Just remember stuff that makes sense and when you dream, when there are things that can't be real; they can be anything that could never really happen, like multicolored clouds, or anything that can really happen in real life, like a shootout in your neighborhood. If you believe its a dream, then chances are, anything you desire can be true in that dream. Your fantasies become reality. Waking up can be part of a dream, too. It's believed that when you pinch yourself, you can tell when your dreaming. Just play along with it until reality calls.

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking, ...but what is real? How do we define real? If real is just what you can see, touch, taste, then real is merely electrical signals being interpreted by your brain. And what if the dream was imperfect? Nightmares happen all the time, what if everything I perceive to be real life is a dream, between nightmare and fantasy, a dream that could be on an emotional level with normality? But then, what is normailty? If this is all a dream, then normality could be completely different from what I perceive it as. Have you ever had a dream, IViking, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you tell the difference between the dream world and the real world? - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 19:36, Mar 4

Dear Sir Led Balloon, uhhh...sounds like you have been watching the Matrix. Believe what you want to believe. Reality and fantasy co-exist in everyone's mind. It's there not no be unlocked, but to remain locked forever. If anyone would solve the mystery of reality and fantasy, we would know if God or Allah exists, and they have to keep their secrets locked so we could have faith in what's real or not because without faith, there would be no meaning, and without the meaning of reality, we wouldn't exist. The meaning of life, reality, and purpose are there so they wouldn't be solved and we would believe anything we want to believe. Does that answer your question. Don't try to bend or break the rules of reality; it's impossible. Tell you what, if there's another reality like this one, I'll tell you after I "take the red pill."

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Of course! Purpose! There is no escaping reason, there is no denying purpose, because, as you well know, without purpose, we would not exist. It is purpose that created us. Purpose that connects us. Purpose that pulls us. That guides us. That drives us. It is purpose that defines. Purpose that binds us. - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 02:52, Mar 5

Oh, so that's where I've been going wrong all these years. /me discards porpoise. --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 16:57, Mar 5

You bastard UU! I wanted to do the porpoise joke! MrN 21:51, Mar 5

Dear IViking: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if I impaled it on a stick and paraded it through town? —Hinoa talk.kun 21:47, 4 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear Hinoa, Depends: Alive; a rate of 2 grams per second.

Dead; zero grams per second

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking: When will I become WotM? Also, when will I stop being an egotistical asshole? Also, can I have some cake? --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent 06:13, 5 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear DJ Irreverent, The honor of WotM is the effect of surviving the horror...OH THE HORROR...of taking the rough path to be a legend. Only the strong, resilient, and the most badass writers survive to be WotM. To stop being an egotistical asshole, pretend to be someone else...good. Now look at DJ Irreverent's content in DJ Irreverent's writing and think to yourself, "Is this right for Uncyclopedia, or does this make DJ Irreverent more of an asshole?" Then make the changes, and only when your critic skills say it's adequate enough, revert to your old, DJ Irreverent self and look in awe what your alter ego critic did to improve your content and make you less of an asshole. You may even be WotM for that, but I can't say for sure. And of course, let me deliver you some strawberry cheesecake to your talk page.

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking: Steve Harmison's been less than effective again (15-2-64-1). Can England get the best out of him any more? If so, how, if not, who the hell do they replace him with? --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 16:57, Mar 5

Dear Under User, Admit it, UU he's screwed. I'll give Barry Bonds of baseball's Giants a call. Hope Cricket approves 'roid users.

--iViking 14:46, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking, how long is a piece of string? --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 03:18, 26 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear Orion Blastar, Though the lengh of string can be as long as it can possibly be, it'll only shorten when you cut it. I'd say... 25 meters. iViking MT 12:05, 31 March 2008 (UTC)

Dearest IViking: How come my navel only knows a single vowel? Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 05:09, 26 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear Modusoperandi, it can only know the vowel "O" because it resembles an "O". iViking MT 12:05, 31 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear IViking, may I ask you a question? HAHAHA! Finally, Cajek wins with the dumbest question!!   Le Cejak • <-> Mar 26 (05:18)

Dear Cajek, Congrats! You get the prestegious medal of IViking...as soon as I get the image done. But sure, you can ask a question. I'm all ears. iViking MT 12:05, 31 March 2008 (UTC)

Hey again, Iviking! Thanks for the template, and now time for my question: What articles do you got brewin' in that idea-box of yours?   Le Cejak • <Mar 31, 2008 [13:56]>

Dear Cajek, I'm thinking of a list of weird crap. Like a list of thinking caps and how each one functions. That's awesome! Funny shit ahoy!

iViking MT

Dear Iviking. Would you like a piece of cheese? It's real Dutch Gouda. -- di Mario 15:48, 13 April 2008 (UTC)

Dear di Mario, hmmm...I haven't had that kind of cheese before...sure I'd would like some. iViking MT 01:23, 14 April 2008 (UTC)

/me teleports a chunk of genuine Gouda cheese to 192.168.0.1. Hope you got teleport client 2.0 or better installed, or it will turn out messy. You can avoid this by setting "compatablity=1.0" or "compatablity<2.0" in your clients configuration. Let me know if you need a re-send, I've got a copy backed up somewhere. -- di Mario 21:04, 15 April 2008 (UTC)

Thanks, di Mario! /me eats cheese. ..........................................! It's good, I admit it, but I guess I really don't care that much for Gouda. Thanks alot, and I'll write on your talk page if I want to ask for more. iViking MT 01:28, 16 April 2008 (UTC)

IViking's Weekly assignment

March 13-20

If you were to star in either an existing movie or a movie of your own, what would the movie be, or be named, and who would you portray, and what would the character do?

--iViking 15:09, 13 March 2008 (UTC)

• I would star in a movie that is epic in every respect, and will be lauded as a masterpiece of cinema for generations to come. Therefore, for my film I choose Dude, where's my car? and I would play the car. I would portray the car's complex character through the mediums of interpretive dance and mime. • Spang • ☃ • talk • 15:40, 13 Mar 2008
• I'd star in Top Gun. I'd be Iceman. --EMC ^[TALK] 19:15, 13 March 2008 (UTC)
• I'd star in 2001: A Space Odyssey" as that black square. --THE 19:59, 13 March 2008 (UTC)
• I'd take the lead role in the classic epic "The Adventures Of The Man Who Shagged Kate Hudson A Lot". And as I'm a perfectionist, there would have to be many, many re-takes. --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 20:18, Mar 13
• I would be take over for Keanu Reeves in the popular Matrix sequel The Matrix Two: Return to Matrix Island. - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 20:29, Mar 13
• My movie would be "Space Pirates of Deneb" and I would play Orion Blastar the Space Pirate Ninja of District 268. Orion started out as a Merchant because he didn't have the social standing to qualify for the Imperial Navy. After getting tired of trading fruit, grains, and water/ice, and after getting stood up by a client at their wharehouse that they didn't show up to sign the contract and load the cargo on his ship, Orion got arrested for Vagrancy and Loitering by the local Sheriff who said "If there is one thing I cannot stand its loitering, worse than that is vagrancy, even worse than that is a vagrant who loiters." and asked Orion's ship to pay $1M Credits to release him from jail. Orion's second in command, Hunter talked with his pilot Jupiter, and they got some C4 and decided to break Orion out of jail. Only they used too much and knocked a wall down and the whole jail collapsed but Orion got clear of the blast and ran out a hole before the other walls fell down. After that Orion's crew voted to turn to piracy as being merchants didn't pay too well, plus they still got into trouble. Orion grew up learning ninjtisu by a friend of his family that watched him and taught him how to be a ninja. Orion put his ninja and pirate skills together but soon became an enemy of Stern Metal corporation who owned a lot of asteroid mines in District 268 and worked people as slaves. So Orion attacked the Stern Metal guards and raided their safe and gave the money to the colonists and miners and freed them. --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 19:28, 13 March 2008 (UTC)
• Jurassic Park: I'd be the velociraptor that gets stuck in the meat locker.   Le Cejak • <-> Mar 26 (05:27)

March 19-26

What would you do if you were face-to-face with an army of

hungry grues? iViking MT 14:02, 19 March 2008 (UTC)

Die, Probably. • Spang • ☃ • talk • 18:37, 19 Mar 2008

Perform a striptease for them. Perhaps they'd befriend me, or at least kill me quickly. --THE 19:09, 19 March 2008 (UTC)

Fuck off. Quickly. --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 20:32, Mar 19

Whore my articles, too! - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 20:45, Mar 19

March 25-April 2

April 2nd is my sister's and my grandma's (my mother's mother) birthday. Send 'em wishes, please. As for the assignment, it's tricky: What would you consider your fighting style?

Mine is a mix of Japanese focus and German dedication: I call it "Tai Kraut" iViking MT 01:49, 26 March 2008 (UTC)

Being the size of grizzly, I simply sit on my opponent in till they behave. If I, God forbid, need to actually kill someone and they are bigger than I am, I leap at their throat and root around in their neck with my six inch fangs until I sever something vital. There was the time a Jem’Hadar beamed into my Grodean Starfighter to steal the technology by ruthlessly killing everyone on board. Grodean sehlats are rather protective of comrades and spiritually I was treating the cute little humans under my command as family. I eviscerated the Jem’Hadar with my retractable claws and ate his liver as he watched. Oddly he enjoyed it, as he felt he had the satisfaction of being dispatched by a worthy opponent. Due to his unusual biochemistry he left an odd aftertaste and I was sick for a week. The board of inquiry felt I had understandably done what it took to protect my crew and made me keep my command. I was seriously remorseful as I could have simply sat on him and not have had to kill him or traumatize my crew with whole gory scene. Verp 07:34, 31 March 2008 (UTC)

April 1-8

What was your worst April Fool's Day experience?iViking MT 15:04, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

I got trapped via my sister's wedgie snare. Hoisted in the air by my trousers. iViking MT 15:04, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Being talked into changing my species. Verp 18:01, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

April 7-14

What if the government paid you to streak in sports events. Would you accept? iViking MT 12:47, 7 April 2008 (UTC)

I'm half naked already. --THE 18:55, 7 April 2008 (UTC)

Yes, if I had good reason to. Being able to assume any number of forms, I would give them many fascinating options as to how I would actually go about performing the task. Verp 20:52, 9 April 2008 (UTC)

April 13-20

What would you use as a grue-exterminating weapon? It doesn't matter if it does or does not emit light, just suppose the weapon you decide on CAN kill a grue!!

Dear Sir or Madam

Fix your sig. It's making the villagers nervous. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 23:08, 14 March 2008 (UTC)

Dear Sir or Madam II: Electric Boogaloo

Stop talking on my userpage. Talk goes on my talkpage. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 12:49, 17 March 2008 (UTC)