Terraria
| Terraria | |
|---|---|
 Can You Re-Dig-It? | |
| Developer(s) | Re-Logic, Masters of you-know-what |
| Release date | All documented releases: |
| Genre | Action platformer with minor RPG elements (Ha ha! Get it?) |
| Platform(s) | PC, Xbox 360, PS3, PS Vita, iOS, Android, and Windows Phone |
| Rating | 13+ (PEGI) |
| Would Jon Stewart play it? | While naked. |
“so wut. i bet in in 5 minutes by jumping over the castle and kiling baron lasers.”
“It got pretty colors”
“What can I say? I fucking love it.”
“I'm sick of these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking temple!”
“The boss music is stuck in my head... My head is a jukebox now! I have this game to blame for it... I fucking love it!”
On Monday May 16, 2011, Andrew Spinks released the ultimate platform game. This is it.
Why?[edit | edit source]
Let me ask you this: Do you ever dream of a platform game where you can make your own paths? Find valuable ores and turn them into potentially awesome weapons? Build really awesome houses? Well, you've come to the right place. Terraria is a land of adventure! A land of mystery! A land that's yours to shape, to defend and to enjoy. Your options in Terraria are limitless. Are you an action gamer with an itchy trigger finger? A master builder? A collector? An explorer? There's something for everyone here. You can play it now on PC, Xbox 360, PS3, PS Vita, iOS, Android, and Windows Phone!
You're in for a lot, friend. Let me show you the way.
Version 0[edit | edit source]
“Good things come to those who wait. ”
When Andrew was at least a year old, the first incarnation of it was released for Commodore computers during the mid-80s. It was really popular, but it fell into obscurity afterwards. A port of this early version was considered for the Family Computer Disk System at the time, but those plans were ultimately scrapped until today- a time when several individuals have discovered the plans in its plan book and completed the port.[1] In the meantime, Andrew had dreams regarding this project and to finish off what the others started. In order to do so, he engaged himself in the fine art of extreme programming in order to get it done. It did, and version 1.0 was open to massive praise. In fact, it was so well received that he, along with his companions, were known as the Masters (of Terraria).
Rare makes some pretty awesome licensed games. Don't you think? [2]
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
Here's a unavailable video which gives you an idea on the things you can do! After all, actions speak louder than words.
Starting[edit | edit source]
“My dear Gaia! Please listen to me. From this time forward, every 1 billion years, you will have children called 'Life'. One of them will be able to help you to build a new era. Each child will must endure a difficult trial. You might think it's too severe, but it is necessary. The trial is a test of Nature: "The survival of the fittest". If he passes, I will allow him to be your partner and to enter Eden.”
Your Fate[edit | edit source]
You are given a wide variety of weapons and tools which can help you on your quest. I wouldn't know. This is about you. After all, are you going to let the dark forces overrun your world?
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly[edit | edit source]
What are the dark forces, and why are they infecting these worlds? It is highly suggested that they must be eradicated before fighting the Wall of Flesh.
The Hallow[edit | edit source]
Serving as an antipode to both Corruption and Crimson, The Hallow is far more pleasant and beautiful- containing loads of useful items which are in abundance. Unfortunately, you'll have to expect getting harassed by unicorns and pixies along the way. It's a must to have it spread following the defeat of the Wall. 
Prepare yourself.
The Corruption[edit | edit source]
“Making the world evil...”
In our world, we see all manner of evil and nobody is doing something about it. It's up to you to stop your world (or not) from turning into a desolate land with purple trees, worms, and rocks. Sadly, it spreads faster as soon as the suggestions are followed. Only then if you fight the Accursed One and win, it will be put in its place.[3]
The Crimson[edit | edit source]
“Making the world bloody...”
|
This section in a nutshell: Terraria can be used as an allegory for the Cold War. |
Your world may have a slight chance of being infected by the Red Menace, but don't worry. It's slightly easier to go through. Let's not mention that weapons from the Crimson are slightly stronger than their corrupted counterparts. There has been some speculation as to the Crimson representing communism due to how it spreads across a world until it is all red and desolate, and you (the democratic player) have to purify it. If you think about it, this theory makes a lot of sense! After all, Terraria is all about freedom of expression with limited restrictions and your epic struggle to preserve it.
Bosses:[edit | edit source]
After you obtain a decent amount of strength from mass genocide, you can challenge one of the many bosses, which does not include your boss at work.
Eye of Cthulhu[edit | edit source]
Your boss's vengeful eye has come out to seek you out and see your collection of children which you have stored in your house. That includes the miners. Its attacks include flying slowly at you, summoning more eyes to see your children, and commiting self-mutilation in order to look edgy.
Eater Of Worlds[edit | edit source]
This big-ass worm decided to try to look edgy by giving itself a cool name. If you break three anal beads which can be found in the deep Corruption, it will piss off the worm as it desperately needs to jerk to them. Despite being called the "eater of worlds" it can't actually eat anything, meaning it's an utter failure.
Brain of Cthulhu[edit | edit source]
Like the Eater of Worlds but with slightly less intelligence, this huge nutsack flies around, showering you in its sperm and teleporting around to try to make you think it's a lot harder than it actually is. If you break three disembodied hearts that it needed for its organ transplant, it gets pissed off at you.
Queen Bee[edit | edit source]
This edgy emo goth girl will enrage the second you touch her Funko Pop bee, proceeding to murder you.
Skeletron[edit | edit source]
Turns out the old man by the dungeon has a transformation fetish, huh? He turns into a big skeleton that tries to slap your ass with its massive hands.
Wall of Flesh[edit | edit source]
An actual living fleshlight. If you throw its doll into the abyss it will emerge from its basement, calling upon lasers and mouths to eviscerate your body. After you brutally murder it, it releases rainbows and unicorns that it collected from its vast hoard of gay My Little Pony fanfiction, as well as a cool hammer that you can use to tickle the funny-looking altars and spawn colorful rocks into your world.
The Destroyer, The Twins and Skeletron Prime[edit | edit source]
It's just the earlier bosses, but they added lasers to them. Solid design choice. Now your pedophile boss can watch two of your children at a time!
Plantera[edit | edit source]
STOP DRAWING RULE 34 OF THIS BOSS. SERIOUSLY.
Golem[edit | edit source]
Supposed to be the sunfire idol of a bunch of government agents, but it really just dies in a couple seconds, no matter how much the devs try to buff it.
Empress of Light[edit | edit source]
Prime Rule 34 material. Like any self-respecting OnlyFans wench, it can only be beaten at night. If you try to murder it during the day, it will completely nuke you. Once you kill her during the day, you get her sex doll which can fly around and sexualize minors for you.
Duke Fishron[edit | edit source]
What happened when a fish entered Chernobyl, this angsty pig-shark-dragon loves to get high through the use of mushrooms. Once it becomes high, it begins to murder you in its pure hallucigenic chaos and creating a new movie of Sharknado.
Lunatic Cultist[edit | edit source]
The dragons it spews out are more of a threat than the actual boss itself. But hey, it's worth a shot.
The Four Pillars[edit | edit source]
Wait, these exist?
Moon Lord[edit | edit source]
You finally made it. Through thick and thin, you have finally managed to defeat all the bosses. Wait, all except this one. Now try again. And again. And again. SO FUCKING HARD! How do you speed-runners do it in .5 seconds!? Oh, you finally killed it. Congratulations. Through thick and thin, you have finally managed to defeat all the bosses. Now what? Make a new world and do it all again.
The Collector's Edition[edit | edit source]
What makes it work?[edit | edit source]
The universe is operated by various fundamental forces which allow it to flourish. It is up to the players to maintain the balance or risk the fall of a universe. Luckily, one player and his friends fight to have it thrive so you don't have to and you probably wouldn't care anyway.
Imagination[edit | edit source]
Imagination is one of the most important fundamental forces that exist within it. Without it, we wouldn't have all the great projects that we've seen for the last 10 years.
Friendship[edit | edit source]
Respect for a fellow player is also important, for the power of friendship can be able to get the most impossible of tasks done. Niceness must be established outside of it, for they are different people.
Developers![edit | edit source]
The Masters have dedicated a good 3 years and counting to improve upon the universe. When some believe in them as deities, they work their best when they are working on a new update. It's not mandatory, but it's good to keep in touch with them.
Apocalypse[edit | edit source]
The slimes... They're out to get me...
Did you know?[edit | edit source]
Miscellaneous meanings[edit | edit source]
Following the release, many generalizations have been made throughout the course of 24-minute days besides the fact that the speculation of the spread of Crimson and Purity can be symbolic of the ideogical conflicts in the Cold War. Some may say that this is complete and utter bullshit, but I kid you not, there is some "spiritual" significance in Terraria. Where younger players stand, the rebellious spirit amongst them (which has seen a comeback since the baby boom) rises with the scenery imposing a state of tranquility and a desire for creation. Sometimes, people just don't care anymore and go utterly crazy with their creations looking very incomprehensible- evoking a sense of existentialism once prevalent in the 1920's and the dada art that followed. Once again, Andrew and company live somewhere in Indiana- taking assets from other proctors and refurbishing them the good old American way (see next section). This could also serve as the reason as to why it's obscure.[4] Then again, it is what you make of it and that depends on the individual.
For instance, the author of this article made those connections with his fiery, yet ardent passion for the subject matter. Then again, it's a bit true if you think about it.
Other Notes[edit | edit source]
The character sprites in alpha were rather blatantly based off of Final Fantasy V combat sprites, but they were thankfully changed for its release on Steam to avoid a lawsuit from Square Enix.
The Representatives[edit | edit source]
“I could understand Boris and Greeny being representatives, but what the hell do Wigglers have to do with Terraria?”
“Everything.”
They stand for the ideals of the lovely game and its obscurity. After all, when was the last time you had a conversation with somebody about the Ice Climbers? There are some guidelines that must be considered in order for one to be a representative, which leaves us to this:
- Is this character from an obscure title (once popular, forgotten today)? If not, is he/she an unknown figure in a more popular work?
- Does the character, in some strange way, have something to do with the lovely game?
- Can they be consistent? Can they fit with the other characters present?
If the criteria is satisfied, then we have a new representative! Speaking of which...
Original Generation[edit | edit source]
The original representatives, before Alex went bat fuck insane:
The others hail from other realms, for they too are relatively obscure and they look to this game as salvation. Every day, there rests hundreds and hundreds of canidates.
Who knows what the next representative will be?
Release Day[edit | edit source]
To most players, May 16 is a very important occasion where regards are held to the Masters and a time to PARTY HARD!!!!!!! We at Uncyclopedia suggest doing the latter for those who don't play the game. In other news, Pierce Brosnan was born on May 16 as well. Who knew?
BUNNY PLUSH HUMPING!!!![edit | edit source]
It's going to be the next big thing regarding the lovely game.
Otherworld[edit | edit source]
“A realm has opened... It is up to its creators to establish a link... A link between worlds.”
Today, the Masters decided to help their dedicated fans with a new proposition: Portals to the worlds that you and your friends have made- meaning that you get to see them in 3D! Before we can get excited, it's good to know about the things to expect in the universe and our world in order to prevent a massive amount of lives lost in the midst of the hype- only on Uncyclopedia! They're settling the kinks to have television be broadcasted in there for events such as Extreme Jenga matches. Praise them!
External links[edit | edit source]
See also[edit | edit source]
See Also[edit | edit source]
- Terraria Expanded Universe
- Minecraft
- Why?:Hunt Unicorns
- Fluffy Bunny World
- Drax (Drill)
- Future ☭f tomorrow, today!
- Really Big Tree
- America's future, today!
- How To Draw Terraria Characters and Items with Colored Pencils and Graph Paper like a Pro!
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ According to some people, reasons as to this port not being released was due to a variety of factors: appropriate release date, overshadowing by other popular titles at the time, personal matters, or some combination of the three.
- ↑ [1], Reference to the game "Digger T. Rock", an old NES Rareware game that is similar to Terraria.
- ↑ Defeat of the Accursed One slows the spread of the Corruption/Crimson and possibly the Hallow by 33%. Pretty neat, eh?
- ↑ Then again, we enjoy products from other countries (especially Japan).
- ↑ Toon Link's background, allusions to his past, and the satisfaction of the other requirements allowed him to be placed alongside the likes of the Player and the Guide. Considering the controversy that arose from the release of The Wind Waker and other circumstances, his placement makes perfect sense.
- ↑ "The Bunny can be seen on many of Terraria's logos, being one of the most common icon characters of the game."