User:Mr. George/CaseOh
CaseOh (Celestial Anomaly of Stellar Enormity and Omnivorous Hunger) is a supermassive celestial object of indeterminate classification, predominantly suspected to be either a rogue star, a cluster of galaxies or maybe an interdimensional vortex first caught wind of in May 1998. Physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer famously theorised CaseOh to be supplied entirely by AC/DC (agglomerated/devoured comestible) power several months prior to his death in 2023, although other hypotheses regarding its increasing mass are widespread. CaseOh's exact mass is approximated to exceed 247 ronnagrams, and "clairvoyant" astrophysicists at NASA presume a supermassive black hole to thence manifest within succeeding decades.
Having rightfully licked the platter sparkling clean and reigned supreme at the buffet for Best Gleamer of the Year at the Gamma Awards in 2024, the body's sheer immensity has cemented itself a place in the heart of contemporary pop culture worldwide, as remarks with regard to its seemingly ever-growing proportion are uttered on a daily basis by the inhabitants of Earth in particular; it is likely that these comments are the source of CaseOh's ceaselessly proliferating colossus considering the rate at which they are spoken, with each individual growth spurt transpiring in response to humanity's collective astonishment; after all, Newton did indeed claim that "every action has an equal and opposite reaction", but hey - that's mere speculation.
Appearance[edit | edit source]
Recent images captured by the Hubble Space Telescope prove that the distinct appearance of CaseOh warrants the entity's notorious status as an unidentified anomalous phenomenon, as can be told via one trifling glimpse. Notwithstanding its ostensibly extra-terrestrial origins, the piece of matter's evidently human stature bans its any chance of classification as - say, an asteroid or meteor. And by human, we mean unmistakably humanoid, no matter how portly its complexion or how ginger its thatch may deceive one in to believing its structure to be more reminiscent of a 1×1 Lego piece or a Ferris wheel.
Researchers at NASA have attempted to apply facial recognition software to the anomaly, only for the system to return error messages citing "excessive, unquantifiable mass". AI-driven image processors were said to also have been employed with the same aim in mind, yielding similarly unsatisfactory results. This here technological dud demonstrates how despite the inclinations of world domination for which artificial intelligence is ill-reputed, it has yet to reign supreme over the henceforth nicknamed "Burger King", which really goes to show the lack of conclusive evidence that CaseOh has ever possessed legs, undeterred by its evidently hominid bulk.
Noteworthy observations[edit | edit source]
1998-2002: Earliest sightings[edit | edit source]
The earliest observation of CaseOh orbiting around among the galaxies dates back to 9 May 1998, as carried out by the Canada-France-Hawaii Telescope. Prior to the turn of the millenium, CaseOh, then formally codenamed "KS3-DY74N-B4K3R" by the International Astronomical Union, was underestimated to be between a mere 4 metres in width and 3 metres in height and thickness. However, as observational techniques became more advanced over the years, it became apparent by 2001 that CaseOh's mass was far greater than initial assumption, exhibiting a gravitational pull consistent with that of one seventh of an entire quasar - either suggesting CaseOh had rapidly gained stacks o' mass somehow or had always struck reality with the reason as to why weight limits were stationed in amusement park rides. This miscalculation is largely attributed to the fact that CaseOh, in a remarkable act of celestial deception, had spent its entire discovery hunched over a particularly captivating package of Doritos. As to how such rations were acquired in a galaxy far, far away, the likelihood is that his gravitational pull to be so intense that it passively attracted high-calorie sustenance from across the universe.
Owing to the poor telescope quality of days yore, the most people had witnessed of CaseOh on video was that of a mere blurry, low-resolution mass that sceptics were initially convinced of being a smudged fingerprint on the lens, however it took NASA interns twenty-odd attempts to scrub off this "blemish" with a microfiber cloth that they came to a reality-devouring epiphany: this fingerprint was actively consuming nearby asteroids and growing beyond comprehension by the hour.
2006: Consumption of Pluto[edit | edit source]
Proselytised into the subconscious minds of many an ovine ever since its preliminary reportage on 24 August 2006 is the age-old chronicle of Pluto becoming deprived of its status as a member of the Solar System by the IAU for its "dwarfism". The genuine justification for Pluto's sacking from the system, unbeknownst to many, was a consequence of CaseOh's gullible soul reckoning the celestial body to be a large-scale Kinder egg prior to realising the existence-endangering fault it would ultimately beget. The supermassive entity imminently vamoosed from the ken of space agencies worldwide fifteen seconds thereafter. NASA's official statement regarding this incident was hastily redacted by the public, so as not to furnish even still more fuel to the arid flames in which multitudes of sheeple perturbed by rising gas prices, bird flu, whether MySpace would ever recover from Facebook's aggressive expansion and, above all, the shortages in PlayStation 3 and Wii sales were ablaze. The last thing the Union needed was the population coming to terms with the inevitable apocalyptic fate that a malnourished stellar body, in a moment of drastic famine, had not only assimilated Pluto but was potentially ogling other celestial bodies for tomorrow morning's breakfast. Data sonification has been utilised by NASA to translate captured footage of CaseOh's demolition of Pluto, from whence the exclamation "OK... THAT'S IT, PLUTO, YOU'RE BANNED!" was deciphered. As to how what CaseOh initially believed was an Easter egg could have ticked it off within the realm of possibility is uncertain, for one does not have to be a rocket scientist to know that inanimate heavenly bodies cannot fat-shame owing to their anthropomorphic deficiency.
2007: The Milky Way Incident[edit | edit source]
On the night of 18 February 2007, astronomer reports carried out a week prior deduced that a considerable portion of the Kuiper Belt mysteriously vanished into thin air sometime within January of that year. Initially dismissed as a routine case of cosmic erosion, further investigation disclosed tell-tale clues of gravitational disturbance - that is, the pattern of celestial objects being yanked from their orbits with deliberate intention and in a manner reminiscent of a tediously sluggish single-file line of customers at a KFC falling victim to a queue jumper. CaseOh was back, and purportedly under the impression that the "Milky Way Galaxy" was the name of a candy aisle instead of a system of stellar matter combined by the force of gravity (oh, the irony), chowed down on the circumstellar disc with the amount of effort as its vast digestive system could begrudgingly tolerate.
Such cosmic destruction left then-administrator of NASA, Michael D. Griffin bashing his head against a wall relentlessly for hours on end, in pursuit of a way to frame the event as but a natural phenomenon. However, the presence of what appeared to be bite marks on some surviving asteroids, coupled with an empty packet of Lays exacerbated the struggle to find such an excuse, unlike the Pluto incident where CaseOh abandoned the premises without leaving a single fingerprint behind aside from those that were already present on the Spitzer Space Telescope's lens at that point. Furthermore, the economic ramifications of this interstellar indulgence took two tolls and a one-point-fifth on Earth's confectionery companies, who experienced a mass shortage of Milky Way bars to sustain the upcoming Easter holiday season. Little did manufactures worldwide know that the wellspring of such famine was a bulimic astronomical entity with an insatiable appetite. Michael D. Griffin's chronic head-banging resulted in a swelling brain tumour. He was escorted from headquarters by an ambulance - all the while clutching an empty Snickers wrapper for emotional support - only to disappear out of the public eye for seven months.
Hereinafter no official reports have ever been documented of CaseOh having set its voracious sweet tooth upon the planet of Mars with the notion of it being a chocolate bar upon its easily manipulated mind - assuming it even possesses a mind of its own, let alone Saturn's rings, which from CaseOh's viewpoint likely appear indistinguishable from an intergalactic sampler of onion rings, of which Michael D. Griffin quite derogatorily terms it the "Lord".
2008-2010: CaseOh's fandom emerges, the Pluto Leak[edit | edit source]
In the early 2000s, amateur astronomers kept spotting something in home-recorded footage of deep space - an oddly humanoid blob of blue with strands of an orange substance protruding from what appeared to be its head. When NASA refused to comment, having ensured their best efforts to suppress all knowledge of CaseOh, speculation exploded across online forums in the following years. Many held the creed that this blob was an alien or a "glitch in the simulation", whereas a particularly unhinged set of believers insisted it was an escaped celestial mascot for McDonald's. On 7 January 2010, grainy telescope footage which showcased CaseOh in the skies titled "Giant Space Gremlin?! (REAL NASA FOOTAGE, NOT FAKE!)" was placed onto YouTube, racking up 2,000 views within a month following its upload. The Roscosmos, who were in on NASA's secret, debunked this footage on Twitter, yet their very denial only made people more convinced.
Despite NASA's reluctance to publicly acknowledge CaseOh's habits of dunking Pluto in cosmic ranch dressing, a leaked email from stellar accountant Hugh G. Rection surfaced in November 2010, reading "Attention Roscosmos! If the public finds out about CaseOh's role in the Great Galactic Buffet Incident of 2006, blame the whole "dwarf planet" technicality instead." This leak was dismissed as a hoax by the general public, yet that didn't stop #PlutoWasEaten from trending across Facebook. Conspiracy theorists thence begun to rebrand the anomaly under its true designated name; prior to this, the celestial anomaly was christened the "Giant Space Gremlin". Fed up with a journalist's inquiry, Rection blurted out that week, "Look, if something did eat Pluto, it'd swallow us whole next, wouldn't it?" Oddly enough, CaseOh amassed somewhat of a female cult following during these years, especially compared to most other unidentified flying objects, presumably due to the asteroid consumer's "large" ways of living, which many a soul could envy.
2012: The Saviour[edit | edit source]
The world held its breath. 21 December 2012 would be the day the Mayans had predicted the end of days. The day prior, social media was awash with apocalyptic theories, conspiracy memes, and frantic "Doomsday Preppers" preparing for global catastrophe. Shimmering with uncertainty was the stellar abyss because an asteroid capable of global annihilation, ominously named XEQ-Tion-'12 was reportedly heading straight for Planet Earth from the Cimmerian skies - much like an unwanted party guest crashing a party uninvited. Despite the growing hysteria and mass debation, Lady Luck had side-stepped Earth in its moment of crisis, for CaseOh descried the unstoppable delectable treat, unfurled its cakehole, roaring "IT'S DOOKIE TIME!" in the process, before consuming the entity at one sixtieth of a nanosecond - thereby rescuing all terrestrial life from impending doom. The action left behind a gust of wind that swept across the globe's surface, resulting in an expansive ripple of dust and confusion which obliviated all of humanity's memory of CaseOh ever having liberated their place of origin. Consequently, all cinematographed footage of CaseOh having undertook this seemingly fictitious feat since have been "debunked" by officials as either mere AI-generated imagery or CGI.
2014-2016: The CaseOh Contact Mission[edit | edit source]
In an attempt to negotiate and make amends with CaseOh for its damage to the universe (on the assumption that CaseOh is even conscious of its purported sentience), founder of celestial technology manufacturing facility XSpace[1] and prominent billionaire Zorbo X. Hyperion - who, unlike NASA, expressed public interest in unearthing more about CaseOh's internal structure and origins - concocted a manned mission to "make peace" with the abdominous entity. This campaign, dubbed "Touching the Untouchable: Humanity's First Handshake with CaseOh" by Hyperion, was crowdfunded on Kickstarter, making a launch in November 2014 and resulting in a sum of grants worth an estimated $720,000 by July 2015. Kudos to all of the fundraisers[2], Hyperion set about spending his bestowal on intergalactic laser projection equipment that would allow for him and a crew of technicians to communicate with CaseOh through displaying a number of iconic fast-food logos and mascots a far cry from Galaxy PGC0661467, where CaseOh was apparently shoving planetoids down its gob. In August, the Monch-1 Probe was launched from an undetermined desert spot in the middle of the Sahara, carrying with it a 32-ton shipment of fast-food (including a McDonald's Happy Meal) and a voice recording of various CaseOh fans, professing their admiration for the body, terming it with such sobriquets as "One Munch Man" and "Avatar: The Last Chairbender". XSpace operators lost connection with Monch-1 several hours after it had entered CaseOh's gravitational field, following a garbled transmission where an onboard communicator eerily proclaimed, "He's about to eat me, isn't he?" - followed by a lengthy ditty concerning a peculiar inclination from CaseOh to devour matter until no longer possible, which concluded with a screeching, guttural sound that linguists claimed vaguely resembled a desperate cry for help. The probe and communicator were presumed consumed minutes following the end of the transmission; however, the Happy Meal was reportedly later sighted intact near Saturn's rings, which led scientists and leading conspiracy theorists to argue that CaseOh had rejected the meal for whatever inexplicable reason.
2020: Rumours surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic[edit | edit source]
Whilst the globe stood put in solitary quarantine amid the COVID-19 pandemic without much of an explanation given to the population through the press - whether a laboratory leak had transpired or Xi Jinping had simply been at it copulating with bats, conspiracy theorists sought the opportunity to scratch their heads, rummaging for an answer as to where exactly Miss Rona had parachuted in from the stratosphere, a mere care package not a soul had ordered. Although NASA's refusal to acknowledge CaseOh's existence prevailed as normal notwithstanding XSpace's endeavours, YouTube channels, TikTok accounts and self-proclaimed "truth seekers" insisted that the celestial consumer had an oleaginous hand in the lay of the land. Upon the spread of rumours that 5G technology was responsible for the infection, CaseOh's involvement was inexplicably shoehorned into the narrative. Chronically online TikTok user Vuhr Gin (aptly named so as a result of his chastity family's lengthy background of having a particular fondness for the alcoholic spirit), stated the following in a reel, dated 7 April 2020:
- "5G is a scuffed attempt to yeet a McDonalds logo into space, and that's something the government doesn't want y'all to know. They were tryna feed CaseOh, but fumbled up the frequency big time. Can we get an F in the chat?"
Zorbo X. Hyperion, ever the opportunist, fueled speculation by cryptically posting to his Twitter account, "Your mindscape is remarkably limited. What if CaseOh consumes signals in addition to fast food?" Despite providing a lack of explanation as to what exactly this statement betokened, the tweet received a staggering 25,000 likes. Another faction of CaseOh's fanbase postulated that the pandemic was but a distraction organised by the government to prevent the public from realising that CaseOh had been growing at an alarming rate. Satellite imagery from Google Maps dating to June of that year displayed a vaguely CaseOh-shaped silhouette looming over the houses of many a citizen of Paraguay, generating fear amongst those who believed the entity's hunger to expand its breadth to the inhabitants of Earth.
Current whereabouts[edit | edit source]
Starting from 11 September 2022, XSpace have taken matters into their own hands, launching a to 24/7 Twitch livestream of CaseOh's orbit for all the world to witness, registering accounts dedicated to the stellar body on every social media platform under the Sun, which CaseOh still has yet to devour. Throughout the livestream's currently ongoing lifespan, a multitude of new information has been compiled about the celestial entity, most notably its purported ability to communicate in the English tongue finally being confirmed, allowing for such distinguished phrases as "Chat, how we doin' y'all? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm fat," and the ever-mysterious "SPANK ME, CHRIS REDFIELD!" to bless the ears of his most devoted fanatics. During these livestreams, CaseOh is unwillingly subjected to an endless gauntlet of mind-numbing video games as part of an experiment carried out by Hyperion to distinguish whether it actually comprehends whatever it is forced to endure or if it's simply hammering buttons with the gravitational force of a dying star in a fit of rage, much to the expense of its audience.
With this, CaseOh's legacy lives on in the realm of contemporary pop culture not only as a cosmic anomaly but a full-fledged internet celebrity that space agencies still have yet to believe even exists.
