User:5noname5/Ventriloquism
WARNING! Stop listening to that 80's music and put away that gun!
Have you heard about 9/11? Hurricane Katrina? Columbine? Have you ever wondered who ACTUALLY committed these acts? You know the government and the media is lying to you. So, who can you turn to? The Uncyclopedia Anti-Ventriloquist Foundation, of course! For nearly four years we have been the number one source for information on ventriloquists, and we say proudly and without doubt that the one responsible for these acts are Ventriloquists. They are the most evil and ominous threat to the world today, and always have been. Read on to find out more about these disgusting sub-species. We didn't write most of it, for we are too busy picketing ventriloquist acts, and are too lazy. So it probably isn't entirely accurate. For more ACCURATE information, be sure to check out our upcoming web page, www.ventriloquistsareevil.com. It'll be ready soon, we promise! .
Ventriloquism is the long studied act of throwing one's voice to manipulate the audience's ears to believe that the voice is actually coming from a heartless puppet, instead of a valid human being. As such, Ventriloquism is ruthless deception, that wrongly attributes the human features given to us by our savior Jesus Christ the lord, to a mindless puppet. Only god can make living things, and as such, making puppets are shameful acts, as they are imitating god's conception of life. This is Father Joe Thorton, Conservative Baptist priest, here to teach about the evils of the so-called Ventriloquism. A more appropriate name, I think, (and because if I think it, It's automatically right) would be---
Ahem! Sorry about that! That was my dummy talking. I was just practicing my Ventriloquism. I am an avid ventriloquist, you know. And now back to the real article.
Part I: Ventriloquist's Public acts and Overview[edit | edit source]
The act of Talking without moving your Lips.[edit | edit source]
Contrary to simply taking a puppet and talking with it, ventriloquism calls for you to not move your lips when you speak. This way, it makes it seem as though the dummy is really talking, instead of yourself. So what do you think of that, Joseph Thorton?
I think it's very disrespectful against the lord Jesus Christ, and everybody who disagrees with me is going straight to hell, no questions asked.
Oh. so do you think I'm going to hell?
Yes.
That's great. Anyway, there are some letters that are very hard to pronounce with out moving your lips that you used for giving a Blow job last night. *cough* *shuffle shuffle* The dummy said it.
I did not say that, you sinner! Your a liar as well as an infidel! Your also a fag for speaking about Bj's in public! .
Good god, shut up! I did not raise you to speak to me like that! I'm your master, I can say anything I want.
You took the lord's name in vain, you bloody hell-driven Bastard! My master is not a sinner or a ventriloquist. God have mercy on your soul! .
Hm. So, am I doing a good job? You can't see my lips moving, eh? That is the true point for all ventriloquists to reach, a point were people forget that it's really the ventriloquist talking, not the dummy. (But if the ventriloquist is a dummy, forget about it.)
That's cause' You ain't talking, I am! And who are you calling a dummy? I'm a highly trained priest, I'll have you know. Your just jealous because I'm going to heaven and your not.
Yeah, sure. Some of the problem letters you may face while starting ventriloquism are B, P, M, v, and F. Ventriloquists use other sounds to replace them. That's why I'm doing such a great job. Even though you can't see me because I'm an article, just remember, my lips aren't moving. Seriously.
I can talk without moving my lips too! I just don't want to because it's disrespectful.
Okay, Back to the case with you.
The Dummy[edit | edit source]
Every Ventriloquist needs a dummy. You just saw one of mine, and now I'd like to welcome another (and hopelessly less annoying) puppet to help me explain the art of picking out a dummy, Vladimir the Communist!
Hm? Vat's that? AH! DE LIGHT, EET BURNS! Poot me back in de case, back in de case!
So, guess what Vladimir?
Stalin's back? de vorking class hast been raystored to its rightful glory? I go back to Case?
No... You're going to help me explain the concept of dummies to armature ventriloquists!
Damn, not dees sheet agin... I MEAN, I HAPPY TO SERVE YOU, YES, YES!
That's good, I know that since you're a dummy...
I am not.
Never mind. Anyway, when picking out a dummy, it is important to-
Buy vones from small shops. Spread wealth around, yes?
Well, actually, I was going to say to buy one who's personality you like, and isn't similar to you to create the illusion that there is more than just you on stage. And I bought you from Wal-Mart.
Oh. Bullsheet! Dat ist Bullsheet I tell you! A puppet's a puppet! Who cares which you choose?
Well you know, Vladimir, YOU'RE a puppet...
No... If I vas a puppet, vould I have my OWN puppet? You stumped, yes?
You have a puppet?
Why, of course, you not know that? Here, I show you... His name is Josef.
Um.. Hello... Josef? <What the hell is going on...? >
Hello, My name is Josef, and I'm a REAL Dummy, not like Vladimir. He bought me in Moscow. Vladimir is a real person, you see? You treat him nice or die you capitalist pig!
Ha ha! I'm a great ventriloquist! I wish Karl Marx was here to see me! He'd be so proud!
That...Wasn't...Me... talking...
HAHAHA! ♪Sing to the Motherland, the home of the free...♪
*Nervous* Vladimir, I'm kind of confused...
♪Bulwark of people, in brotherhood strong...♪
You're not a ventriloquist, you silly git! YOU'RE VLADIMIR'S PUPPET! HAHAHAHA! JUST LIKE ME! ♪Oh! Party of Lenin! The strength of the people...♪
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, back in the case with both of you! *hyperventilating*
History[edit | edit source]
*nervous glances* Umm... Okay, uh, now that you know about the, um, basics, of v-v-vent-ventriloquism, we're going to talk about the history of ventriloquism, I think. What? I can't completely remember the script! ...Heh, hehe, heh...Ah... Do I really have to use a puppet for this shit? I do?
BOOOOO!
You suck!
We came to
see a ventriloquist, Asshole!
Greedy Bastards... Alright, here's a friend of mine that I met a blah blah blah in blah blah whatever. His name is fricken' Samuel, okay?
*Over exaggerated cheer from the audience*
How are you doing Samuel?
I was doing fine until you took me out of the case. I was in the middle of simplifying and proving a very complicated theory. I have got very far. The 592 page book is almost complete!
Well, I apologize for interrupting you, but the selfish bitches here wanted to see a grown man talk to dolls.
How delightful. I think I'll write a book about the perfect Ventriloquist's puppet. Me!
Well, I'd love to hear your intellectual ramblings, but save it for talking about the history of ventriloquism.
Of course. I have spent hours pouring over books about ventriloquism. It's really all quite fascinating. Well, Jesus was the first ventriloquist, and probably the best, mind you. When he was being baptized, he threw his voice to make it seem like god was talking.
*large gasp from christian audience members*
Wow... Why the hell did you say that?
Don't ask me, you're the ventriloquist!
Actually, I think all of my puppets have a mind of their own.
Well, I'm just speaking the truth. But if you're a ventriloquist then you're doing a pretty damn good job of not moving your lips.
...I think I'm going insane.
Nah, that's not until later. But, since you seem preoccupied with your little dilemma, I'll continue talking about the history. Ventriloquist rose again during the Spanish Inquisition, where many prisoners threw their voice to pretend that they were god telling the extremists not to torture them. Nobody expected it.
Isn't there anything you can say that doesn't involve religion?
Sure, if you want to be so fucking politically correct about it! Well, ventriloquism was originally called "belly dancing-" er, belly speaking, Damn, you screwed up big time there, not to mention offend a bunch of pissed off Arabs!
That was all you, Samuel. And you're one to talk about being politically correct.
You know, I take back what I said. You are crazy. You seriously are having deep and meaningful arguments with yourself?
No, no! You have a mind of your own, they all do!
...geez, thanks a lot, I never realized that. You got your freaking hand up my back! Your making the sounds that are coming out of my mouth! But if I do have a mind of my own than I'm sure smarter than you!
Look, can we just get the history over with? I already had a bad experience with Vladimir.
You really are no fun. But if I must continue, I will. Ventriloquism originally used to be thought of as voices from gods, and only prophets could speak them.
There you go with religion again!
Get over it. It was only when ventriloquism lost it's magic aura did it become a performance art. That led to a string of popular ventriloquists, such as Edgar Bergen, Jeff Dunham, Terry Fator, Dan Horn and many more.
What about me?
You're crap.
*Over exaggerated laughter from audience*
You know what? I've had enough of this fucking act.
Huh? what the hell are you doing? HEY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! *is flung into the audience*
HAPPY SWIMMING OSTRICH DAY, BASTARDS! *foams at mouth*
BAHAHAHA!!!!
I LOVE
PLASTIC
CHINESE GUITARS!!
*Runs off stage*
...
*Samuel emerges from the audience*
Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that guy's problem? How am I supposed to talk now? How am I supposed to move? I'm out of this wack place. Better go back to Wal-Mart. Come on, guys!
*tons of Puppets emerge from suitcase and follow Samuel out the door; audience watches in stunned silence*
Part II: Normal and Home life of a Ventriloquist[edit | edit source]
Relationships and Learning[edit | edit source]
A tired man wobbles his way through the doors of his sickly green colored house.
Why did my wife ever convince me to paint the house that color? he thought to himself.
He shuts the door with great and utter loathing for whoever made that door, grumbling and moaning his way to the dining room.
"Honey, I'm home!"
In one swift stride, he produces a puppet from the near by hutch.
"How was work dear?" The puppet lamented, it's masculine high voice suspiciously seeming to come from the man.
The man shrugs. "It was okay. A couple people beat me up because they wanted me to make random things talk. I really should have made a living out of being a ventriloquist instead of working at a desk job."
"Why, I feel for you, you sweet little thing," the puppet splurts out, gooey shit slowly spreading over the mans tired and worn out face. The man blushes.
"How's junior?" He asked, wiping his face with a semi-used napkin.
"Oh, he's in the basement playing video games, like all normal boys do."
The man gave a nervous smile, the gooey whatever-it-is being pushed around his face by his mouth muscles. "Oh good. I think I'll say 'hi' to him, that little rascal!"
He throws the puppet carelessly aside, where is lands with a satisfying clunk! on the table, knocking down a few books and papers for his job, as well as splurting out more crap.
The man walks down the stairs into the game room. On a nearby shelf, a dummy lies motionless. He picks it up and thrusts his hand up it's back.
"Hey, junior, daddy's home!"
The dummy stares at him, it's childlike eyes freaking the man out.
"Leave me alone dad, I'm trying to beat level 24 of Zastron's puppet house in order to access the final clover of wisdom so I can return it to master Drodom!"
The human laughed. "You are so FUNNY! But you've been playing video games for the last two years. Can't we do something together now?"
"We're talking, isn't that enough? Go do something with mom."
Frustrated, the man threw the dummy at the wall, where it crashed into a picture of Dubya milking a cow. The poster fell down, revealing an ad for 25% off on ventriloquist dummies at Wal-Mart.
I really need a new son dummy, he thought. He grumpily waltzed upstairs to his wife. He stuck his arm up her back.
"Hey honey, wanna have sex?"
The dummy let out hardy laugh, more gooey crap spitting on to the living room floor. "Did you get a new condom?"
The man smiled, a big, horny smile. "How did you know?"
So, the man took the puppet in his room, undressed it, and then undressed himself, attaching the rubber condom. He threw the dummy on his bed, and mounted himself on it.
The dummy was immediately squished, the same disgusting substance oozing out of it's pores. The man became more aggressive, rocking the bed back and forth.
"Oh, Danny, be gentle!" the dummy cried, the man's mouth suspiciously moving at the same time.
Eventually, when his brain realized his--well, you know-- wasn't really touching a vagina but a stuffed wall of fluff and disgusting crap, it kind of, well, did something that you probably don't want to know, and the man was so aggressive, he threw himself off the bed.
The sheets, which were once a bright, blissful and dry red, were now white and slimy, as was the dummy.
Danny put on his clothes and hopped on the couch in the living room, sobbing wildly.
"I'll never have a real family or friends!" He cried, his tears flowing like rain. His eyes wandered over to the hill of many dummies including friends, doctors, and more than one lawyer. It only made him cry harder.
Suddenly he heard a voice. A dreamy voice, a heavenly voice. It drifted into Danny's ears like a chorus of angels, meant to bestow eternal bliss upon them. Oh how soothing it was...
"GET UP YA FAT A-HOLE BASTARD!"
Through his blinding tears, Danny looked up, to see non other then an short old guy with balding hair in a fairy princess angel costume.
"Hey," the man said. "The name's Phil. Do you want to get a life?"
"Yes, I do!" Danny said eagerly.
Phil looked at him with disgustingly cute eyes. "Well I'll make it happen!"
"Really?" A large smile appeared on Danny's face.
Suddenly, Phil made a dummy appear and squished his arm up his back. "No!" The puppet coughed. And Phil disappeared
Danny resumed his crying.
Work life and Technical stuff[edit | edit source]
Handling Technology[edit | edit source]
A man types on a computer vigorously.
A dummy watches from a shelf.
A man doesn't care.
A computer breaks down.
A man grabs a dummy.
A wife is angry.
Silly man! You grabbed your wife!
"Go to your room!" Shouts the wife.
A man goes to his room.
A wife doesn't care.
A man grabs a dummy.
George Bush is angry.
Silly man! You grabbed George Bush!
"Go to Prison!" Shouts George Bush.
A man doesn't listen.
A man grabs a real dummy.
"What are we going to do?" he asks. "The computer is broken, and I was sent to my room. What O what will I do?"
A dummy talks. A man's mouth does not move. "Call the computer repair team. They will fix it up!
"Okay."
A man grabs a phone. A man dials a number. A woman answers.
"Hello, computer repair team, how may I help you?"
"My dummy suggested I call you!" A man says.
A woman hangs up.
"Oh no!" A man cries. The phone is broken too! What, dummy, shall I do, O what O what will I do?"
A dummy talks. "Call the phone repair team."
"Okay."
A man grabs the same phone. A man dials a number. A man answers.
"Hello, Phone service."
"My phone is broken! And my dummy suggested I call you."
"Uh... What dummy would that be? I don't know any dummies in the area..."
"It's MY dummy!"
A man says, "But I think I found one..."
"What was that?"
"Er... Nothing! Your phone's not broken."
"What a relief!"
A man hangs up.
A man says, "Now what, dummy, the phone's fixed! Yay! Now what should I do?"
A dummy speaks. "Play video games."
"Okay."
A man plays video games. A video game system breaks.
"Look dummy, it broke, now what will I do? What O what will I do?"
A dummy speaks. "Fix it yourself."
"Okay."
A man grabs a toolbox. A man grabs a wrench. A man slams the wrench on the game system. The Wrench breaks.
"NO! Now my tools are broken! O dummy, what should I do?
"Fix it"
Silly man! Your mouth moved!
"Okay"
A man grabs a glue bottle. A man puts glue on the wrench. A man breaks the glue bottle in half.
"Ach! What the hell will I do now, dummy?"
A man accidentally breaks a dummy. A dummy falls apart.
"...Dummy? What should I do?
"Your mom."
"Okay."
Handling work[edit | edit source]
A low-life geek sits at his office, typing random gibberish on a computer.
Suddenly, from the deep, open blue, comes his boss, still wearing scuba diving gear.
"Gotten a lot of work done?" He says, opening his mouth to reveal rotten teeth.
"Uh..." The geek nervously thinks about that one special rule: When in doubt, pick up a dummy. He wanted to pick up his boss, but he didn't think that would go down to well with him, so he picked up a wooden dummy.
"Is this some kind of joke?" The boss says, narrowing his eyes in a way that obviously showed he was untrustworthy, not only of his employee but of Obama's plans as the president.
"No, he hasn't," said the dummy. "But I have. Look at all the work I've done!" The dummy points to the computer screen fast and furiously, his poorly crafted hands swaying this way and that, as though god was blowing wind at his fictitious craft work of a body.
The boss eyes him suspiciously. "You're a sucky ventriloquist," he replied. "I saw your mouth move! Aren't I so grand?"
The geek's nervous eyes shifted back and forth. Is he grand? Well, is he?
"Yes, yes you are," he shouted triumphantly, attracting the attention of his co-workers, who looked at the situation curiously, as though it was hard-core kitty porn.
"Good, good. And I was thinking about replacing you with the dummy! But you know, we have an upcoming conference in room 2B! I want to see you there, with the dummy!"
The boss lumbered away, his scuba diving gear clunking around him.
The geek looked at his dummy with hard ridden eyes. "You did this to me!" he accused. And out of pure spite, he slammed the dummy on his desk until it's head fell off.
"Oh, crap..."
The geek walks into room 2B, headless dummy in hand. He sees all of his co-workers smiling at him eagerly, seated at the large conference table.
If they expect me to give them a comedy routine, too bad, he thought.
He walked over to his special chair and cautiously took a seat, attempting to hide the dummy under the desk.
The boss was blabbering on about routine maintenance, financial waddy-a-do, and other crap, while showing a bunch of boring charts and graphs.
"What's that under there?" A co-worker whispered.
"Oh nothing... Just, um, something the IT guys wanted me to take for them.. Just, for a little while..."
"What about your dummy?"
"MY DUMMY?!"
Suddenly, the boss stopped his ramble. He felt all of his co-workers eyes on him now. How embarrassing.
"Why , hello, Mr. Jonathan! I was going to just ramble on about routine maintenance, financial waddy-a-do, and other crap, while showing a bunch of boring charts and graphs, but you just reminded me that I was going to make you put on a show for us, whether you like it or not."
The geek slowly backed towards the door. "Oh, no. Like you said, I'm a sucky ventriloquist. I'm not an entertainer, just a guy with a passion for being loyal towards my boss.
"Maybe he can make the stapler talk," he heard someone whisper. A laugh rippled through the room.
The boss's eyes said it all: Do it or your fired.
The geek nervously walked to the front of the room, took out his dummy and...
Ran out the door screaming.
There was dead silence in the room for a while.
Then, the worker who had talked to Mr. Jonathan before said, "You better go quick, I think he just took off with the IT guys equipment."
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Being a ventriloquist isn't a very swell job, when it gets right down to it. And I think we've all learned that the only dummy here is the ventriloquist himself. So take out your gun, and keep on dancing to that 80's 80's music, because ventriloquists aren't really a threat at all, they're just stupid. Sure, I just wasted your time reading this, but look on the bright side, you now know that you should never even think about becoming a ventriloquist, lest you go insane. Isn't that right, Billy?
Ay Barney, I be working hard to be the best dummy possible, ARRRRR! No dirty ventriloquist is gonna control my ass, ARRRRR!