Erwin Rommel
 | |
| Rank | German |
|---|---|
| Predecessor | {{{predecessor}}} |
| Successor | {{{successor}}} |
| Date of Birth | February 29, 1666 |
| Place of Birth | Bersterdam, Germany |
| Political party | {{{party}}} |
Erwin "TJ" Rommel (born 29 Febtober 1666), popularly known as the Desert Fox, was the only man powerful enough to take the life of a Mountain Ranger and is the real inventor of the internets. Rommel is also known to be the owner of your soul.
His life[edit | edit source]
Childhood[edit | edit source]
Rommel was born in Febtober 29th, 1666. He had a very difficult upbringing during his childhood. First his mother died from a freak bear attack. Then, his father, Steve Erwin was brutally attacked by a stingray dressed as a bear during a night out with his friends in the Canadian forest and soon committed himself to hunt bears as a "Fuckinbearjagger" in the forest using only his peg leg which contained a knife, but soon succumbed from his wounds. With both his parents dead, Rommel was brought up by his only relative, Liam "fucking" Neeson who was able to kill/torture a bear/stingray/anything. Neeson thought the world of Rommel as well as potato sacking. So he decided to send Rommel to Hell's best private school where he learned to kick ass and take names and drink from a beer bottle without opening it, just like old Liam himself.
After childhood but before adulthood[edit | edit source]
At age 10 Rommel was enlisted in the German Imperial army as an armor-clad stormtrooper or "sturrhmtruppen". There he rose through the ranks and quickly became a 'field and stream marshal'. His military persona is famous for his invigorating charisma and energy. He was known to ski mountain passes with his soldiers and go off epic jumps and behead Italian soldiers mid-jump. During his tour of duty in France he was injured and lost his pride. He was sent home to recover his pride, but soon became restless. Rommel needed to troll on the internets to pass the time, which was ever so peculiar in those days of the 1920s. Since the internet didn't quite exist yet, Rommel had to invent it. (Please note that it's very obscure and extremely complicated to explain how he created it with only a big dump truck and a series of tubes.) After a while, people around the world flocked to this novel creation. A big fat nerd named Hitler loved the internet so much that he decided to kill all the Jews just so they couldn't steal his dataz and pr0n. This was called the Halocaust. Rommel had become so deluded and unbelievably awesome, that he had to go and take down Hitler in Halo 3.
Halo 3[edit | edit source]
Rommel challenged Hitler to a 5-round death match across XBOX Live. Hitler, being the whinny-ass bitch that he was, refused at first saying his famous quote:
“Teh J3ws will find my pr0n!”
Rommel didn't understand him at first, but after using a no0b to English translator, he decided to call out Hitler. In a fierce press conference, Rommel used such words as; gay, pig, Jew, black, panty-wearer and other words that are so awesome they can't be spoken or typed ever again. Hitler agreed to a 3-round SWAT match with Rommel at 1 health bar and Hitler at a Googolplex amount of bars and an overshield. Rommel had to use his mad crazy skills to allow the engine to comprehend what a googolplex was.
Round 1[edit | edit source]
On Guardian, Hitler led the match with a 1-0 lead for 20 minutes. Rommel was too busy at the time to care because he was launching his counter strike across Halo Wars. Rommel lost the match but he won the Halo Wars.
Hitler 1, Rommel 0
Round 2[edit | edit source]
On the level Drive Shaft, Rommel took the lead very early in the game, gaining a 25 point lead on Hitler. Hitler was said to be shitting his läderhosen (or whatever the Germans wear) in utter embarrassment. A Jew-lover by the name of Oscar Schindler sneaked onto Hitler's laptop and stole all his dataz while he was cleaning up. This came to be known as Schindler's List.
Rommel 1, Hitler 1
Round 3[edit | edit source]
During the match, Hitler began to use teh uber hax as he called it, nearly balancing the play field. As the fight drove on, Hitler began to realize that he was going to lose, even with his uber hax. He then proceed to bail from the match. Hours later Hitler was found dead, from his own suicide.
Rommel 2, Hitler 1
Middle Age Crisis[edit | edit source]
His 40s[edit | edit source]
Rommel was never able to accept his win against Hitler. So he decided to host the first Olympics in Berlinlandstan, his own country. Rommel took the gold medal, pwning no0b after no0b. He let the Olympics only happen every four years so his challengers could get stronger, which was an utter failure.
His 50s[edit | edit source]
He was pwning until he was 69, but then he was mad with power. He began his own army, called Erwin’s Spaghetti Army. He then adopted the title of "The Bestest Leader His Majestic Powerfulness Sir Erwin Rommel of the Third Generation of Berlinlandstan."
He kept this post during his 50s, and raised an army consisting of whales trained by Emily Magarian from The Confederate States of America and 100,000 orcs with eighteen red coloured armoured Spartan armor thingies. + He was jacking off until he was 69. He began his own army, called Erwin’s Spaghetti Army. He then adopted the title of "The Bestest Leader His Majestic Powerfulness Sir Erwin Rommel of the Third Generation of Berlinlandstan."
With his new found friends, he promoted himself to "The Leader with the Best Hat," and he also established the Kazakistan by obtaining an 800,000,000 acre piece of land on the outskirts of China from a rice farmer Nathan Heinrich by trading a box of calculators and two bags of lead paint.
His Old Age Bit[edit | edit source]
New Kingdom of Berlinlandstan[edit | edit source]
Kazakistan was originally a bit of the Middle East that lied outside of China and primarily used for mammoth hunting before and during the times of famous people such as Borat, Master Chief, Jesus and Osama bin Laden.
With a asian trading deal with the farmer and Rommel, a new empire was born.
After many riots regarding the tax increase for the possession of Halo Movie, Rommel managed to get the population under control by means of sending ultra sonic waves through television sets which makes dogs go crazy and then they bite their owners, shutting them up.
By the time he did this, he was 67 and suffering from pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Years later and after a thriving and successful ruling, he decided to give the country to his clone, Leeroy Jenkins, and declare his Half brother, George Patton commander. Patton later decided to adopt Confederate American technology and terms, with the exception of General being switched to Field Marshal.
Quotations about Rommel[edit | edit source]
“Blitz wha? OH SHI-*BOOM*”
“He's cooler than me.”
“I'm a whiney little bitch and Rommel owned me!”
“I almost owned Rommel and his sweet ass, but I crashed in the car chase.”
“Daddy!”
“I won at El-Alamein!!! I won I won, I kicked Rommel's arse...but he got away in Libya(-_-).”
