Your Brother is Dead

Hey, do you remember when you asked me to watch your little brother while you were out? Well, funny thing about that… He’s dead.

Bear With Me, I Can Explain

As you no doubt know, you asked me to keep an eye on your brother, Luke, while you were out doing whatever. And I did keep an eye on him, just like you asked. Until I got this really important phone call from my grandmother who was in the hospital. Anyway, I needed some privacy for this conversation, so I went to go hide in the closet. But as soon as I was in there, I heard some loud noises downstairs and it sounded like the police were outside! The police were arresting your brother!

I Know He’s Only 11-Years Old

…But they were still fucking arresting him! From the closet, I could hear them reading off the charges, and apparently your brother had been in the possession of 20 kilos of cocaine, which was cleverly hidden underneath his bed. Now, I know this is probably very shocking, but according to some very convincing testimonies from his elementary school, several students were approached by Luke for a potential deal. I’m shocked too!

What Do You Mean 4 of Those Students Were My Cousins?

Are you trying to insinuate that I in some way ‘’framed’’ your brother for possession of illegal substances? That’s preposterous! Why, to do something like that, I’d have to be some sort of evil genius. Or perhaps a diabolical mastermind, or a schemer of kick-ass proportions. I am flattered you would consider me this cunning, but I can only declare innocence regarding this 11-year old’s apparent drug empire. I always knew there was something wrong with that kid.

Oh Right, Back To The Fact That He’s Dead

Anyhoo, He was sent to juvie until his trial, and was apparently raped and murdered by some weird goth kid who had sex with male dead animal babies. Apparently, the guards couldn’t react quickly enough to save him, as their heavy pockets slowed them down to less than a crawl, if you know what I mean.

What Do You Mean I Swore An Oath to Kill Your Brother Two Years Ago?!

Oh did you think I was serious when I said that? No, no, no, you’ve got it all wrong! Me and your brother were the best of friends! That was just a joke, you know? I mean, all he did was throw my taco on the ground. Throw my delicious, pure, free taco on the ground… And then I hit him a few times… And… And…

All Right, I Admit It!

That’s right, I framed your brother, put him in jail, and bribed the guards to stick him with the psycho who killed him! I killed him, and I’m proud of the fact! That little punk deserved it for what he did to me! HAHAHAHA!!!

I did it all for the taco

Wait, what are you doing...NO...PUT DOWN THE KNIFE! What do you mean I'm going to pay!? Seriously, you shouldn't play with knives. I'm warning you...don't come any closer! I'M SORRY! IT WASN'T ME, THE TACO GODS MADE ME DO IT! YES THEY'RE REAL, I'M NOT INSANE!!! PLEASE HAVE MERC-

Attention: The writer has just been massacred and his killer is on the run. Have a nice day!