Sania Mirza
Dear Sir/Madam,
It is with deep regret and great sadness that I write to you in order to complain. As a respected muslim cleric, I enjoy comedy as much as any other man. The work of your site has both informed and entertained me over the years and I had looked forward to further articles of the undoubted quality of Holocaust denial denial and I maed a yuky doody. I then came across your disgusting article on Miss Sania Mirza, as of 17th June 2008. Sir, I refuse to accept such filth as material for comedy.
Miss Mirza is India's greatest ever female tennis player. She is a credit to her sport, a credit to her country and a credit to her religion of Islam. Your article on her does not do justice to any of these aspects of her character, instead preferring to focus attention on her physical attributes. Both of them. I know her family well. The Mirzas are a family of morals, piety and they drive a hard bargain. They do not deserve such a humiliating scar to be brought upon their good name. It truly is a blessing that Sania's grandmother never got to see the article (such are the vagaries of her village's wifi coverage).
The writing in question presented a shocking and repulsive exposition of the unislamic evil, which I now find underlies the comic facade of your website. I must therefore request that the article be completely rewritten and an apology be made to those who have been affected by the page's content. To help in this regard, I enclose a list of objections.
Instances of sin
- The article portrays Miss Mirza as a subject for sexual amusement, making it unsuitable viewing for young males. There is not even any warning given to allow the reader to view the article with a chaperone. Miss Mirza is a modest and decent individual. She is not married and until the time comes when a young man reaches such an arrangement with her family, there shall be no person entitled to comment on her appearance in such a debauched and unsolicited manner.
- The picture supplied with the article is designed to titillate and stimulate, and it could be of better quality. Female tennis players have posed a unique problem for Islam in that traditional modest attire is impractical for the sport. As such, Miss Mirza may wear more airy clothing, but that is no reason for us men to be allowed to look! All Miss Mirza's tennis matches are broadcast to her nation on radio only, with the commentator viewing at a safe distance in a specially-designed blimp. This hard work to protect a great sportswoman has been undone by your unfettered image, which exposes her arms and a coquettish hint of midriff. Nothing is left to the imagination.
- The words boob, boobs, boobies, tits and jugs litter the page. It is also alleged that Miss Mirza removes her "breasts" (for lack of a better word) during matches and throws them over the net as a ploy to distract opponents. Not only has this never been mentioned on the radio, but I have consulted several female members of my community, who assure me that such an act is impossible.
- The article states that a fatwa was issued against Miss Mirza, but was retracted in response to her commercial value to the country. This is not true. The fatwa has never been retracted. Really, the article betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of how fatwas work. They're not a big deal. I have a fatwa, my wife has a fatwa, my mistress has a fatwa. It's no more than a slap on the wrist. I issued a fatwa against Uncyclopedia this morning and no one is going to hunt anyone down like a dog or cut off their hands and watch them bleed to death. Of course, that is provided that Uncyclopedia accepts the teachings of the great prophet Muhammad as the one true path in a life dedicated to the praise of Allah.
- All references to Miss Pamela Anderson are to be expunged from the record. At my men's club's most recent DVD night, we watched a whole season of Baywatch. In the conversation that followed, we concluded Miss Anderson's role in the programme was grossly indecent and went against the teachings of the Qur'an, specifically the passage which bars females from wearing red.
- The article suggests that Miss Mirza is of Bangladeshi descent. Her mother is Indian, her father is Indian and she was born in India – she is Indian, and any suggestion otherwise is the greatest of all insults.
I hope the list of grievances will be of use to you when amending the contents of the page. I would also like to add that there are some matters which are not currently covered in the article, but one fears that, given your track record, could yet feature in the "improved" version. We don't want the focus on Miss Mirza's mammalian protuberances to be replaced with a focus on other feminine ornaments, be they legs, posterior, or anything else. Feet are okay, though.
On various occasions during her career, unscrupulous media outlets have alleged that Miss Mirza has chosen to play doubles alongside a Miss Shahar Peer, most notably at Wimbledon in 2007. Miss Peer is said by these unreliable sources to represent Israel. Sir, we do not recognise the existence of this infidel state. Miss Mirza could not possibly have teamed up with the Israeli no. 1 as no such player exists. Therefore, we would be much obliged if you did not pass on these scurrilous rumours any further than they have already.
I trust that the new article you come up with concerning Sania Mirza will treat Miss Mirza with respect and will do justice to a very successful and inspirational sportswoman. I look forward to visiting a page free of perversion, sexism, religious hatred or Jews. Furthermore, I hope I have provided suitable inspiration for another classic piece of wiki comedy.
Yours faithfully,
Sajid Iqbal
Muslim Association for Moral Outrage (Indian Division)
p.s. If you would like to discuss this matter further, then you are more than welcome to come along to Dalal Street, Mumbai, where there will be a public effigy burning this Saturday. Just look for the angry mob.
