UnNews:Israel wins "Whiniest Nation" award for 63rd time

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

31 December 2010

JERUSALEM, Israel Israel has been awarded "Whiniest Nation" for the 63rd consecutive time. Other contenders, such as North Korea, Venezuela, and Russia fell to second, third, and fourth place respectively. A faux-surprise upset by Russia was overturned when a custodian accidentally discovered the votes for Israel in a UN trash dumpster.

"Oy vey, this comes as a surprise," said Benjamin Netanyahu, stuffing a cream-cheese bagel into his mouth. "Ve try and ve try, and you know? Sometimes all our vork pays off." The award will be presented at a special ceremony at Auschwitz, involving Thorbjørn Jagland, Chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, who also had the honor of presenting Barak Obama with the Peace Prize for not starting any wars before his inauguration.

"It's just not fair," said Kim Jong in a private interview. "We do everything we can to encourage the US to invade our republic, and what do we get? Second place." Hu Jintao, remarking on this from Beijing, stated, "Well, it's no wonder; the North Koreans are whining about actual issues. The Israelis have nothing to whine about, and do it anyway. It's pretty tough to compete with that." It is still unknown how much his translator enhanced the message.

Among the considerations taken into account by the awards committee were factors such as defense capability, perceived vulnerability, and whine stamina. "It's no small task," stated Alfred E. Neumanschk of the Houston Holocaust Museum, "Sure, hundreds of millions of people have been massacred all over the world, but we're the only ones with a museum in every state. You think this just happened by accident? No sir, we've earned this award."

Hugo Chavez was unavailable for comment, leaving a prepared statement with his secretary of state. "Death to all corporate Tyranny." It was later discovered that this prepared message is used for all communications in his absence.

Even General Petraeus took a break from his usual routine of explaining why the US needs to keep bombing the hell out of a country smaller than Texas with no resources except opium. "Yeah, Israel's got it, all right. Nuclear arsenal aimed at every capital in Europe, and the Fundamentalists back home begging them to accept fighter jets. Wish I knew how they did it." His undersecretary then made a comment that was deemed unfit for print.

Not everybody is celebrating, though. In a rare weak moment, Henry Kissinger confessed the extent of the toll being taken by those holding the front lines. "You haff no idea vhat ve putt into dis," he said, looking even more tired than usual, "Ve haff to tink of effryting. And da holocaust ting iss getting frayed arount da edges."

His eyebags sagged dangerously as he let out a piteous sigh. "You know? Sometimes I tink it's not vorth it. Maybe ve should just go for 'most naive' like Amerika."