Telstra has one very simple goal; make everything as slow as possible whilst at the same time as expensive as possible. However, the service is so crap, that the general public has realised that it is obviously run by someone evil, and have concluded that it could only be run by one of the two following factions:
Bigpond 'Broadband'[edit | edit source]
The catchy name for Telstra's broadband service 'Bigpond'or more likely 'Longwait' is exactly what it says; a big pond. Bigpond offers several 'channels' where its users can visit and not use any of there download limit. However, in order to visit these pages, there is a minimum $AUD240.00 a month subscription fee and a 12 month lock in contract, which Telstra has cleverly disguised as a 'usage fee'. Telstra recently increased the speeds available on Bigpond and as a result reported a net worth increase of $AUD3.1 Billion and a 3.1% increase in zombie farm population. Unfortunately, everyone has to pay an extra chunk of 'usage fee' to witness the so-so hardly noticeable increase in speed. Even with that, the broadband speed quality is still the same, if not worse than most coconut hut broadbands, except Aussies pay first world price for that. As part of the new "protection on the internet laws" Kevin Rudd or sometimes known as Kevin07 will be watching your every move on the internet.
Bigpond's Internet Server's[edit | edit source]
Telstra's latest BigPond "Broadband" server is a state of the caveman art pc (Made in Australia with quality Australian computer parts). This is Designed to make your internet 2kbps faster for only $90.99 a month with the 1mb "Single User" cap, however you must be located within 500m of the Telstra HQ to get this service, if not you are considered living in a "Remote area" so your internet will be Manual dial-up and slowed to 8 bytes per second. Now Australia's internet speed and service is almost equal to Madagascar's.
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In a desperate attempt to save their own asses the Australian Government has decided to sell most of their shares to narrow minded morons who seem to believe that they will make actual money from this so called 'offer'. Most of the shares holders have been sold to the finest research facilities in the world, so they can try to work out what the hell everyone was thinking. Without the guvment to control it Telstra will take over the world and create phone-beings who are really slow.
In breaking news, foreign affairs minister Alexander Downer has decided to bury his portion of the shares on a deserted island, and is now hoping to lure all bogans and people from Cronulla to the island. He is then planning on informing North Korea that he will give to anyone who can hit a target on the island (the bogans and Cronulla residents) a pair of his prized elevator boots.
"Ass"Sol Trujillo[edit | edit source]
When the Australian government became
too lazy/corrupt convinced that Telstra would be better managed privately, they enlisted the use of Solomon Trujillo to help steal the public's money. Sol, so named because he enjoys feasting on the souls of unsuspecting morons, has since caused the share price of Telstra drop dramatically, not only ripping of his customers but his own shareholders as well. He consistently manages to escape criticism by keeping the public under a state of zombification through various satanic rituals. Sol has also been linked with the Illuminati, though proof has yet to be uncovered.
New CEO[edit | edit source]
brutal failure stunning success of Trujillo, with 75% decrease in Telstra performance over the final 5 months of his tenure (and zombie farm equivalence ARPU of 754 deciles over the forward estimates), the Illuminati installed a cavendish banana as CEO. The market reacted by de-listing Telstra briefly.
The NextGarbage (NextG) network[edit | edit source]
The start of it all[edit | edit source]
Due to it's massive increase in revenue in 2006, Telstra decided to 'upgrade' its current phone and internet service with more wireless connections and faster download speeds. The service also allows it's
victims users to download files to their phone and computer simultaneously. As a result, there has been and increase in online music, movies, game and (with and increase of 28.9%) porn sales. The NextG network has also increased Telstra's owners (the Illuminati) monopoly on the phone services in Australia.
Partners[edit | edit source]
Telstra has acquired half of rival phone company Three's network, on the condition that they pay for half of their costs. As a result, the number of Three advertisements in Australia has halved, and Telstra's advertisements have increased by 51%.
But how, you ask, can they increase their 100% advertising penetration by 51%? Why don't you ask them yourself - it's not like they're a front for the Illuminati...
'WhereIsn't?" service on NextG[edit | edit source]
In recent days, Telstra has decided that it would allow it's users to take advantage of a service called WhereIsn't? on the Next G network. This service is where anyone with a NextG enabled phone can pay Telstra obscenely large amounts of money for maps of city's in Australia. However Telstra find this offensive and insists that (The WhereIsn't? service) Is a remarkable service that will allow people all across Australia to find their way around major cities, and find the location of the nearest bar or nightclub to them They neglect to mention the fact that the service will automatically give you directions to the nearest Telstra shop or dealer with out even knowing until you arrive. Once you have finished using this service, you'll probably ask WhereIsMyMoney?
The CDMA network closure[edit | edit source]
The Telstra CDMA (Clunky and Dodgy Mobile Access) network was scheduled to close sometime last year but couldn't be closed because the Australian Government stopped them from closing it because of the PEFN (Pathetic Excuse For a Network) that they call NextG and it's collection of useless phones that were on offer for Prepaid. The only other option for getting on NextG is an expensive contract with lots of clauses that Telstra use to screw their customers over within the first month. Telstra then tried to close it at the end of February 2008, but AGAIN, phones like the LG TU (Tippy Unit) 500 and the "Telstra" phones (eg. rebranded ZTE phones) were delaying the network closure. Telstra are now pushing for the network to be closed by the end of April 2008, but they still haven't gotten any decent phones on prepaid.
Another problem stopping CDMA from being closed is the farmers in obsolete areas of Australia that complain and further extend the life of the CDMA network. Who gives a shit if x farmer can't get reception out in the middle of nowhere. What about the a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, y and z that DON'T live in the middle of nowhere?
Telstra finally abandoned rural and regional Australia on April 30 2008 with the closure of the CDMA network. Death rates in these areas skyrocketed, with farmers suffering heart attacks, anaphylactic shock and sex accidents feebly attempting to contact help and only receiving this recorded Telstra message - "Yu Go Gwi Gi Fi Gi Gow". Some farmers in peril found this soothing; most defecated and died, but not before being automatically "upgraded" to NextG on a 36 month contract. Some farmers even got stuck on their CDMA contracts and still have to pay, even though there isn't a CDMA network anymore. This strategy is considered "world's best practise" marketing.
Current Situation[edit | edit source]
The NextG network has
failed succeeded in providing Australians with super fast mobile broadband and video calling. At only $2 p/MB, the prepaid prices are extremely reasonable. But wait! There's more!!! Telstra also do bundle deals, which they refer to as plus packs. For only $29 you can get a WHOPPING 80MB! WOW! This is such a good deal, that you have only 30 days from the date of purchase to use it. Also available in $5 for 5MB, $10 for 20MB among other reasonably priced deals.
Pay TV service[edit | edit source]
Telstra also has a 'Pay TV' service where you pay Telstra to watch TV. This marvelous service offers 30 channels stolen directly from Foxtel with additional advertising inserted into the programs. YES, that's right, you pay us money to watch ads that we get money for. This
crap,HELP I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE IN A BRAIN ZOMBIFYING marvelous service can be yours from the low, low price of $AUD36.95 when you combine your home line and your soul in one convenient package. The mobile version of Foxtel (powered by NextG) allows you to watch heaps of channels which have a whopping variety of 4 shows a day. YES, you can now watch your favourite show 10 times in one day!!! What a deal!
As an added incentive, you can sell your Organs to receive and extra free 50 local calls a month, to any other person who does not have a phone.
Technology[edit | edit source]
Telstra has managed to create some very sophisticated technology, years ahead of what anyone would have expected to have come out of Australia. One of these is a highly sophisticated matter transference device, which they have dubbed the 'Phone Booth'. This deadly piece of technology is capable of moving large amounts of grey matter (AKA brain) to brain zombifying plants anywhere in the world.
This amazing new technology has also allowed Telstra to receive a massive increase in profits. The matter transference device allows it's users to make phone calls, but since it costs roughly $AUD5.50 to make one of these calls, the result is Telstra reporting an increase of... a lot in the last financial year. Since the release of the NextGarbage (shortened to NextG) mobile network, Telstra has been removing these devices and causing inconvenience to customers who now have to pay ridiculous amounts of money to make the same phone calls on the NextG network.
Propaganda Advertising Campaigns[edit | edit source]
Over time, Telstra has incorporated advertising as well as brainwashing/zombification to attract customers to their humble 70% of the market share. Their most recent and memorable campaign directly targets their key demographic (less than intelligent parents with no comprehension of technology who are willing to spend their hard earned money on what their TV says is good for their child) and aims to lock them into a 24 month contract, securing a monthly price as well as the contract holder's soul. The ad implies that instead of simply adopting away their children and jumping out of a tall tower, parents who are unaware of the purpose of the Great Wall of China only have to sell their souls to Sol and the internet will teach their children for them.
What the advertising campaign fails to specify however, is that by connecting their child to the internet without adequate supervision, parents are effectively exposing their children to other amazing gifts brought forward by the internet, such as hardcore pornography and MySpace. Both of these innovations allow a child to procrastinate from doing any work at all, meaning that they will in time grow up to be as stupid as the parent that sold their soul to Telstra in the first place, only with a sex addiction and/or significantly older male friends.
What a great deal[edit | edit source]
Once the 2wire modem comes in the mail (rebranded Netcomm router if you're on cable, or (gulp) Siemens Speedstream), you'll know you've got a sensational deal. Of course Telstra can log into these at any time they choose and monitor what services and webpages you are looking at. The modems are also known to stop you from accessing the internet after the internet drops off and then tells you to restart your internet browser. How thoughtful of Telstra to add features like these! Once the awesome half price deal wears off, you'll find yourself paying an extremely reasonable price. You'll be glad that you signed up for BogPond internet!
Bogpond Download Day[edit | edit source]
Every month, Telstra holds a challenge called BogPond Download Day. The idea is that Telstra speeds your internet back up (if you've been slowed by their crap caps) and allows you to download as much as you want for one day. They hold these events every day for anyone who's billing period ends the following day. The idea of the Telstra Bogpond Download Day challenge is for Telstra Liberty Plan users (note the fact that there is no liberty in Telstra whatsoever) to see if they can make back the money they got ripped off by (trying) to download the amount of data that they could have simply gone to another ISP to get. To this day, no Telstra customer has succeeded in doing this, because Bogpond's prices are just that ridiculous.
Telstra's efforts to improve the online experience[edit | edit source]
After realising that the internet is overflowing with shit, Telstra have decided to help lighten the load by introducing a new shit receptacle, Telstra BigBog. Basically, Telstra have simply produced a sewerage system into their BigPond network for which customers can dispose of their waste while being able to experience the great ingenuity and originality that has made Telstra the forward thinking and highly reputable company they are today. People can post to their BigBog from their Telstra NextG mobile phone using their WAP (Weak As Piss) browser or through
Sensis' Telstra's 1234 phone service (whose slogan is: "Yes, we do what the other directory number does, but at a premium cost that will empty your pocket.") Criticisms that this is all just a big scam to recruit people to the Illuminati have been made, yet whether or not anyone cares has yet to be determined. Now that BogPond has overflowed into the main Telstra service, Telstra have renamed their internet services BogPond permanently. Customers feel that this represents the Telstra philosophy better than BigPond anyway.