Madras College
| Midrass College | |
|---|---|
 Ken Currie is cool 😎 | |
| Motto | Pro rege music is hype |
| Established | 1833 on a Tuesday |
| School type | High as heck school |
| Head | Ken Currie |
| President | The Free Church of Scotland |
| Location | St Andrews, Republic of Fife, Scotland, United Kingdom |
| Campus | Bellend Brae |
| Enrollment | 1500+ |
| Faculty | On every floor. Oh wait Faculty... |
| Mascot | Ken Currie |
Background Information
Madras College is a high school in the Communist Republic of St. Andrews. The school was founded in 1833 by The Free Church of Scotland, and has since gone under a number or renovations, expansions and name changes. Some historic articles claim the school was founded by an "Andrew Bell" but this is just fabricated nonsense. The school is named after the Madras Presidency of India which had nothing to do with funding or the location of the school, but it sounded exotic and impressive.
The reason for building a school in St. Andrews has gone undocumented, however one popular theory is that St. Andrews had too many social media addicts and the local Communist Party wanted to get rid any competition from the Socialist Party. The current headmaster Ken Currie plans on removing the majority of the Chav population from the school for a bunch of reasons (mainly that they look like Oompa-Loompas), however it will take a lot of effort as St. Andrews is full of them.
Currently, most pupils from the nearby towns of Wormit, Newport-on-Tay, Tayport, Leuchars and Guardbridge travel by bin lorries to get to the school. These bin lorries are disguised as double single-decker busses to avoid confusion as to what day bin collection happens on (it's usually Christmas Eve). These bin lorry services were affected by the 2023 Xplore Dundee Bus Strikes causing Fife Council to deploy road gritters from other companies and terminate the contracts with Xplore Dundee.
From August 2023, Fife Council have agreed a contract with the local bus company Moffat & Williamson to replace the Dundee bin lorries with smaller, dirtier and more broken yellow (and white) bin lorries. These bin lorries will be driven by unqualified drivers who have alcohol addictions and have had crashes in the nearby town of Freuchie. A town best known for "Internet Connection Issues".
The Buildings
As stated earlier, Madras College has been renovated over the years due to a number of reasons such as:
- More Chavs moving to St. Andrews
- Roofs falling down
- Asbestos in walls
- Lack of confined spaces
- Trying to remove all history from the school
South Street
The main South Street Building was built in 1833 and was the only place for delinquents until the year 1967 when the Kilrymont Road building was erected. The South Street building, despite its name, was actually built on North Street to cover any Socialist plans to destroy it, however it practically destroyed it's self whenever the wind blew. This was one of the reasons the "new school" was built in 2021. Once Kilrymont Road was built, only S4-6 were allowed in the building. This was to try and reduce the amount of crime that took place in the town centre, mainly being drugs, theft and assaults. The South Street buildings consisted of several different Quads each having a different purpose, one was for going to the toilet, one was for smoking and one was for the prisoners of war from the ongoing war between Wormit and Newport-on-Tay in which Harvey Farrow was fundamental.
Kilrymont Road
Kilrymont was a concrete, depressing, Y-shaped building. Why? We will never know. Kilrymont's purpose was to bring the younger pupils (S1-3) away from the town centre to reduce crime as stated before. However, this did not work as there was a local Costcutter (known as KB's back then) and Morrisons nearby which regularly caused issues for the Communist Police Service.
In 2023, once the "new Madras" was completed, the Killrymont Road building was hit by a meteor. The destruction caused by the meteor made the school unusable. It also cause 2000 tonnes of Asbestos to be released into the atmosphere causing 2 people to pass out from boredom. Currently there are plans to build 200 more houses on the site, most of which will be filled by an influx in the Chav Population. These houses are likely to be fully constructed in July 2420.
"The new school" on Bell Brae
Recently, in 2022, the school was moved to a new site on the outskirts of St. Andrews, this was to try and dissuade the Chav population from going to the school. Despite the longer distance from the town centre, the school is still predominantly Chavish so it did not work. For some reason they allowed all pupils (S1-6) to enter the school. This has caused hundreds thousands of fights (and it's only been open 2 years) due to converted Chavs arguing against pure Chavs about their stupid appearance. As a result, several staff left the school at the end of its first year being opened, being replaced by less competent staff from Bell Baxter and other local schools.
Rumours have it that they have already planned an extension to the new school. This seems to be because the construction of the school was rubbish there isn't enough space to play Minecraft or Among Us in the school.
The school has multiple leaks in the roofs and has had electrical faults as a result. On the 8th of December 2023, the social subjects corridor had no lights and there was no internet connection for around 4 hrs. So much for a 56 million pound school.
The deputes also complain constantly about pupils vandalizing and destroying the break-out area chairs. These chairs cost around £285 EACH. This is why staff and pupils can't print in colour most of the time.
Education
In recent years, Madras College started to provide basic qualifications such as "English" and "Maths" however no pupil has yet to leave the school with such qualifications as they are so brain dead from all the vaping and TikToks. The most recent qualification added, Physics, is so advanced that any pupil who takes it has their head explode as soon as they enter the classroom. This could be because of the extremely loud "Neeow" sound that is produced by the Head of Physics every time the words "Doppler effect" are mentioned.
The PE department
The PE department is the most used department in the school. Not only is it used for PE, but it is also used for the SQA Exams that take place in May as it is the only place that has more than 1 square inch of space that can be used. Most pupils who take PE do so because: they want to fail in life, have already failed in life or they have no life, hence why it is the most popular subject in the school. Any kid that survives the dreaded 6 minute run to the canteen has their name put in the Achievement Cabinet which is surprisingly full (probably because all the trophies in the school are bought off of eBay). This department also has equipment so old that it was made in Czechoslovakia and East Germany.
The DAS Department
The DAS department, more commonly known as the Department of Achieving Students, is home to Minecraft kid who wears a shirt with the Minecraft Dirt block on it. He regularly strangles the teachers and sets of the fire alarm because he always gets blown up by Creepers. The DAS department is home to some of the smartest pupils in the school, so smart that they are practically imprisoned to keep them away from the less intelligent pupils who would execute them out of jealousy. The DAS department is heavily guarded with gunmen and CCTV cameras to prevent break-ins. Despite this, DAS pupils manage to escape the prison every 20 minutes somehow.
Teachers at Madras College
Some of the best teachers in history are teaching at Madras College. Most of these teachers are famous for TikToks, Football, and TV appearances.
Here is a list of some of the most famous teachers:
- Magnus Latona (computing teacher)
- Keith Maskell (computing teacher)
- Ken Currie (head teacher/rector/litter picker)
- Alan McLeod (loud, funny man)
- Olav Darge (English teacher and year head)
- Mr. Rob (Security Guard/Aleister Crowley lookalike)
- Eck (Lord Commander)
- Hugh Watson (Year head, likely the twin brother of Crypt Keeper from Tales from the crypt)
Former Teachers
Some of the most famous teachers who have left the schoolː
- Jim Tarvet (best PE teacher for a bajillion years)
- Dave McClure (former Maths teacher and rector)
- Rory Turnbull (taught Nat 4 Physics once a week as an S6 slave)
The E-sports Team
Madras College, despite having no gaming PC's or consoles have somehow got an E-sports team who managed to beat the living daylights out of all the competitors at the Dundee and Angus College. This was in part due to their completely legitimate strategy of "cheating" and that no one noticed what was happening. The team later performed at the 2020 Olympic Games in Ohio but the plane they were returning on mysteriously disappeared.
In 2023, there were plans to start a fundraiser to try and get some Gaming PC's (this has still not happened). These PC's would need to be able to handle 2 Google Chrome tabs so it is unlikely that any PC's will ever be bought as they would cost over a million vBucks. These gaming PC's would likely run Windows 11, the worst operating system since Windows Me.
The Madras College Propaganda Committee (MCPC)
According to a unknown source, the Madras College Propaganda Committee was a small group of S6 pupils who had a horrible sense of humour. They would occasionally meet up in the First Floor Breakout Area and plan new "decorations" to put up on the whiteboards. These decorations took the form of A4 posters with messages such as "Mr Currie says bin your litter" with a bald man appearing to point at a Windows recycling bin. These posters would regularly be removed from the wall as the staff didn't want parents to hear about or see the amazing propaganda on display.
Occasionally, important messages would be drawn on the whiteboards. These would be partly rubbed out by the MCPC to leave odd/funny messages or completely replaced with things such as the first 100 digits of pi. These would normally last about a week before being removed overnight.
On the 19th of April 2024, the MCPC used their massive collection of A3 and A4 posters and stuck them on the glass balcony thing above the school reception. This attracted a lot of attention from pupils and staff. There was that much attention that Mr McLeod, who found the display hilarious (source needed), found the need to summon the rector via text message. The rector showed up with DJ Darge (who also featured on one of the posters) and they both stood and stared at them for 10.63 seconds before laughing.
It is still unknown to this day who the members of MCPC were or what they were trying to achieve with their plans but it is theorised that they were also responsible for the massive hole in the school budget due to the amount of coloured A3 printouts.
Controversies
- In 2013, controversy arose when one of the beloved (now former) Home Economics teachers were accused of pushing an S2 down the stairs due to him calling her a "Home Ec. Teacher" (which is illegal). She was sentenced to 2 years of dinner duty, however, the kid was later
executedexcluded due to this being completely made up. - The same year, ex-headteacher Mr McClure vanished after he slipped in one of Madras's rancid toilets and drowned on the pee-covered floor. The school covered it up and claimed he transitioned into the new headteacher, Mrs McNeil, who herself left after a year when she rage quit after being challenged by the renowned Madras E-sports team to a match of Mario Kart Wii and pathetically losing (she was even using the Wii Steering Wheel). She was later found in one of the Glenrothes schools.
- Madras College was once accused of "picking sides" in the Wormit-Newport War as it was revealed that they allowed more Wormitters into the school than Newportians.
- The Lego League trophy that sits in the trophy cabinet was actually stolen from Wormit Primary School in 2018.
- In 2022, the finance manager for the school went on a rampage when the S6 pupils made a display out of "Quiet! Exam in Progress" signs. During his rampage, foul language was heard by many pupils which is a criminal offence under the Public Order Act 1986 Section 4A(1)(A) - "Thalt not screamith a' swearith infrontif thy student". He then binned all 65 of the signs. As a result, all exams had to be cancelled. Not only that but he was sentenced in court for putting "laminated red signs" into a blue paper bin. He was later fined £68.99 for ruining coloured printouts.
- In August 2023, the fire alarm went off twice in a week, causing riots and mass destruction. The first fire alarm was raised "to test it". The second one was either because the canteen had burnt the pizza (again), some kid wanted out 10 minutes early (you get a plastic card for that) or it could have also been another one of the chemistry departments magnesium experiments.
Additional Information
- Mr Latona came 3rd in Britain's Sexiest Teacher 1993 (he should have came 1st).
- The food in the canteen is almost as good as Burger King Foot Lettuce, almost.
- There are 3 unused classrooms outside of the PE department. This is theorised to be because all of the rubbish from the old buildings are pilled up in black rubber bags inside of them. There is another theory that the bags contain the dismembered body parts children who passed away listening to teachers recite The National Anthem.
- The assembly hall has a disco ball. No one knows why, but it is speculated that late in the evening, teachers will play Bingo, get drunk, and start dancing to "The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round".
- There is a Madras College Minecraft Map which was made by a former pupil and can be found here on the Madras Website. This map does not work on the bedrock version of the game as the school does not support C++ or online multiplayer due to unknown political reasons.
- The room numbering system makes no sense, you can figure out what floor a classroom is on and that's about it.
- S6 Prefects are unpaid slaves. They need to start a union.
- The computers now run Windows 11. God dammit.
- Madras College has won the award for ''GB's Biggest Coal Mine'' despite it being run by the S6 slaves.
External Links
- Madras College rubbish website: https://www.madras.fife.sch.uk/
- Madras College archive website (even worse): http://www.madrascollegearchive.org.uk/