Newport-on-Tay

Newport-on-Tay is a small communist village on the coast of the Socialist Republic of Fife, and is most commonly known for its ongoing war with Wormit. Newport-on-Tay is small and friendly and very much stuck in the 1980s, and it is compulsory for all residents to be at least 150. Newport consists of very expensive housing and a high street full of pretentious shops, which provide no benefit to society whatsoever. Newport sits over the river tay from Dundee, and they occasionally fire bombs over the river, however these are lost in transit due to the incompetence of the Royal Mail. Newport is also known for it's small primary school, infamous for being useless, and occasionally sending a new batch of unprepared S1s into Madras College, led by the intelligent and charismatic Ken Currie.

NEWPORT HOUSING AND RESIDENTS

Newport has street after street of ludicrously overpriced housing, getting increasingly more overpriced everywhere you go. The average property in Newport costs around £40000 £400,000 £400 Million. They are inhabited by the rich and elderly, and has been declared (not publicly) as the most judgemental city on earth. (It would be the most in the universe, if it wasnt for Essex, which landed as a meteor from Venus, so is technically not earth). Quite a few of Newport's older residents attend the Newport-on-Tay church (Some believe this is the headquarters of the Free Church of Scotland). However Newports population is quickly declining as there has recently been an outbreak of a common cold, which some of the frailer residents have been unable to survive. Newports residents are not very well known, other than Betty Martin (who was awarded an MBE) and Phoebe Brocklebank (ex-resident), a Spanish teacher at Madras College, who crosses the road when she sees her students, from fear of being recognised, describes teaching as "soul destroying" and states that she wishes she had become a mailwoman instead. She now lives in Dundee, and has been permanently barred from Newport.

NEWPORT'S SHOPS

Newport has a number of pretentious shops and attractions, which come and go due to the fact that the owners and customers keep dying due to frailness. The funeral director, however, is thriving. The first shop on the high street is the Butchers, known for it's dodgy meat and the fact that no one over 18 has ever worked there. Next to the butchers, is the small café, Manna. Manna is owned by the Free Church of Scotland, so are known for there religious bakes and drinks such as Hot Jesus-died-for-you-on-the-cross buns, love-your-neighbours lattes, Sacrificial Scones, and Banana Bread. Manna is closed on Sundays and Mondays, despite Mondays being the day where they used to make the most profit. Manna's prices are also known to go up about once every 3 days. A latte is currently available for £56.83, and 30p extra for any syrups, for those who don't actually like coffee, but want to seem cool. Manna also houses a gift ship full of useless expensive tat, and this is famous for the great manna robbery of 2022, where a robber broke into manna by accident while drunk (they meant to break into the church, where some old guys are hoarding money), but while there they decided they would steal a small wooden elephant. This costed Manna a fortune however as the burger decided to blow up most of the doors, all of which were vintage from the 1600s. Next to Manna is the Newport bakery. The Newport bakery's motto is: "Panem non vendis nisi plenum posh stercore" (Don't sell bread, unless it's full of posh shit). They follow this as a religion, hence the vast population of Breadists spreading across the Socialist Republic of Fife. This religion consists mainly of middle-aged women who have nothing better to do than munch upon sun-dried tomatoes. If you want regular bread, don't go to the Newport bakery. Newport is also home to the fish and chip shop The Silvery Tay Murray's chip van The Fifie, a small Fish and Chip shop. Unfortunately, it is one of the most dangerous places in the world, due to the solid 8 inches of grease on the floor. Anyone who slips over will instantly absorb it, put on 30 pounds, tumble outside, roll down the road, and be popped on someone's car bonnet (This has only happened a few times, and was the excuse given by Harvey Farrow upon crashing into MD10. No evidence of fat people were found on his car, and he was found guilty by the supreme court of Madras College (Ken Currie, Papa Wishart, Keith Maskell, Mr. Darge and Dr. Nabi.))