Toilet paper wars

The Beard Orientation and Mullet Orientation

The Toilet Paper Wars are a series of conflicts throughout history about the topic of toilet paper orientation and what the proper ply of toilet paper is.

Ancient Toilet Paper Conflicts

Cain Killing Abel

In the Bible it is said that Cain killed Abel for growing conflict around the idea of offerings to God, however, scholars have discovered that is not true. Cain really killed Abel due to toilet paper, Cain was a firm believer of the beard orientation of toilet paper, while Able was a believer of the mullet orientation, the two could not agree or settle the argument in a one versus one on Rust, meaning the only way to solve it was death.

Killing of Julius Caesar

On March 15th, 44 BC Roman dictator Julius Caesar was killed by the Roman senators. It is believed this occurred due to Caesar's tyrannical beliefs of requiring toilet paper be oriented in the mullet configuration, anybody caught not doing this would be cruicified.

Modern Toilet Paper Conflicts

American Revolution

The American Revolution started in 1765 due to taxation related issues, including the Stamp Act. The Stamp Act taxed all forms of paper, most notably toilet paper, which was extremely useful, especially to the revolutionaries, as they would use the toilet paper to prank British forts and soldiers in the colonies. While the Boston Tea Party was occurring, the lesser known Boston Toilet Paper Party was happening. Thousands of colonists filled homes known to be occupied by British Soldiers with toilet paper.

Napoleonic Wars

From 1803 to 1815 infamous short king Napoleon Bonaparte waged war against Europe in an attempt to expand the French Empire. Napoleon was well known for only allowing Single Ply toilet paper to be used by his troops and by the territory he occupied. The Prussians and British defeated Napoleon in the Battle of Waterloo, they later noted that the soldiers were easy to defeat due to them all having "itchy asses" and "sharp pain in the butthole" due to them only being allowed to use single ply toilet paper.

American Civil War

The American Civil War was a war between the anti-slavery Northern United States of America and the pro-slavery Southern United States of America (also known as Texas and those other guys). Groups of people argue that the Civil War was about states rights, however the war was more about Slavery and toilet paper. The Northern United States was known for their belief of the beard toilet paper configuration, while the Southern United States believed in the mullet orientation. On January 1, 1863, Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation, and right after issued the Toilet Paper Proclamation which made putting toilet paper in the mullet configuration illegal in the United States. He would later be assassinated by John Wilkes Booth, a notable mullet supporter.

WWI

Serbian Gavrilo Princip assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria kicking off the war, the reasons for Gavrilo and his group to want to assassinate the Archduke are still up in the air. Some believe it was for Serbian independence, however based on accounts it seems it may have been for the right to put toilet paper in the mullet configuration.

Irish Civil War

The Irish Civil War began in June 1922 and ended in May 1923. The two sides of the war were the Irish Free State and the Anti-Treaty IRA. The Irish Free State hoped to gain independence via unravelling the Anglo-Irish Treaty from the inside, part of the treaty required that the highest ply of toilet paper used in the Irish Free State be Single Ply. The Anti-Treaty IRA hoped to strong arm independence from Britain so that they might be able to use Triple Ply sooner.

Cold War

Throughout the Cold War there were a series of proxy wars and conflicts caused by Capitalism vs Communism.

Vietnam War

During the Vietnam War it is said that the Viet Cong used rolls of toilet paper to conceal weapons from the American Soldiers.

Cuban Missile Crisis

The Cuban Missile Crisis was one of the closest times the world ever got to Nuclear War. The Soviet Union built missile factories and placed missiles in Cuba, but most importantly they placed 1000 Metric Tonnes of Single Ply toilet paper in said missiles with the hope that, if needed, they could launch them at the United States and fill the country with the largest Prank known to man.

Other Toilet Paper Related Issues in the Cold War

• United States believed in beard toilet paper orientation, USSR believed in mullet toilet paper orientation
• United States had moved far past Single Ply toilet paper and was using Triple Ply toilet paper, the USSR was still using Single Ply

Post Cold War Conflicts

War on Terror

The War on Terror is a sequel to the War on Drugs in them both being complete failures. The war started due to terrorist attacking the World Toilet Paper Center in New York City on September 10th, 2001.

The 2020 Toilet Paper Uprisings left the Walmart War Zone a barren wasteland.

Toilet Paper Uprisings of 2020

In the midst of the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic there were a multitude of shortages, none more detrimental than toilet paper. Toilet Paper Riots began throughout the world. Supermarkets became war zones, the lack of toilet paper caused the life of millions. People began selling toilet paper at extreme prices, it became a hot commodity. People had to resort to using paper towels, wash cloths, towels, and even their dogs, in order to replace the sacred substance known as toilet paper. Eventually a treaty was worked out in early 2021 known as the Great Toilet Paper Treaty, restoring toilet paper to the shelves and limiting how much a person could buy.

Effects of Toilet Paper Conflicts

Toilet Paper in the Geneva Convention

In the 1949 Geneva Convention the use of single ply toilet paper in warfare was ruled as a war crime. Millions of gas station bathrooms and public schools were affected by the change.

Toilet Paper in Politics

Politicians throughout the world have long discussed the practicality of single ply toilet paper and whether or not the distribution of it should be made illegal. So far countries only allowing single ply and not double or triple ply have been shown to have more problems when it comes to human rights.