Lincoln Bedroom

The Lincoln Bedroom during the time of President William Howard Taft. Taft is in the center.

The Lincoln Bedroom is the most famous room in the White House. The Lincoln Bedroom is reserved by the President of the United States for the "pleasure" of his "guests". Depending on the tastes of the current president, "guests" have ranged from dead hookers to live ferrets.

President Theodore Roosevelt was known to conduct seances using the blood of Christian babies to make matzos in a kiln he installed in the Lincoln Bedroom. Roosevelt would then serve the ashes of the Christian babies to foreign dignitaries claiming it was an exotic tea made from whale penis caught off the coast of Alaska during one of his big game hunting trips.

History

The Lincoln Bedroom under the man himself. Who knew Mary Tood was so hot?

The bedroom was first set aside by president Abraham Lincoln in 1862, during the Civil War. Lincoln, frustrated by the conduct of the war and life with his mentally ill wife, set aside a secret portion of the White House for having outlandish parties.

When the neared its end, Lincoln opened the bedroom to his generals and friends and eventually to the public. Everyone loved the parties. Mary Todd Lincoln always knew where to scores the best blow. Following the burning of Atlanta, Lincoln threw a lavish party with jugglers, elephants and supermodels in body paint tuxedos serving sushi eaten off their bodies.

It was during this party that Lincoln accidentally offend John Wilkes Booth saying, "Booty? You are one limp-wristed, sawed-off stump of a subhuman." Several months later Booth shot Lincoln during a play.

Lincoln's successor, Andrew "Big" Johnson made little use of the Lincoln bedroom. Johnson was known to complain, "That room smells like piss and sex. Fuck, it stinks."

Later presidents appear to have used the bedroom sparingly.

The Taft-Hartley Act

The modern popular image of the Lincoln Bedroom comes from the time of William Howard Taft. Taft was frequently scandalized for his relentless sexual appetite. Taft was known to eat his sexual partners after mating. Taft once explained, "I cannot afford to lose an ounce of my essence."

Taft was fond of committing what has become in popular lexicon known as the "Taft-Hartley Act". The Taft-Hartley Act is similar to a donkey punch, only it is done with a pipe. Once the pipe is embedded in the skull of the victim, the person playing the role of Taft jooks into the pipe. An orthodox Taft-Harlety Act requires that the skull of the victim then be scooped and eaten so as not to lose any of the Taft's precious bodily fluids.

The depravity of the torture conducted in the Lincoln Bedroom was exposed by Upton Sinclair when he penetrated the Lincoln Bedroom disguised as a bounty hunter named Hartley. Sinclair was captured by Taft the Hutt, and kept as a prisoner wearing bikini and chained to Taft for several years. Sinclair was eventually liberated by PETA activists who slayed Taft with a lightsaber while trying to rescuse Harrison Ford.

Taft's capriciousness so offended his successor, Woodrow Wilson that Wilson had the entire Lincoln Bedroom gutted by fire. When the fire burned down, firefighters then hosed the room with holy water. The room was then bricked shut and filled with concrete.

Revival under JFK

The Lincoln Bedroom during the time of JFK. JFK is the one on the left.

The Lincoln Bedroom lay dormant until the time of president John F. Kennedy. One day Kennedy was hunting around for a pen and happened across an archway that was connected to a casement of concrete. Kennedy asked the presidential historian, "What the fuck is this?"

Kennedy heard the amazing tale of the Lincoln Bedroom and his jaw hit the floor. He asked, "Are you fuckin' serious, man?" The historian said, "Yeah, I'm fuckin' serious." Kennedy asked, "Fuckin' really?" And the historian replied, "Fuckin' real. That fuckin' room fuckin' rocked. 'til Wilson screwed it up. Puritanical prick."

Kennedy immediately set about restoring the Lincoln Bedroom, ostensibly as a memorial to the 100th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. The grand re-opening of the Lincoln Bedroom became a major affair for the whole country. Kennedy decided to have the re-opening coincide with the Cherry Blossom Festival, noting that the entire event was about taking a young woman's flower.

It was during the after party that Kennedy accidentally offended a man named Lee Harvey Oswald by calling him, "the most half-assed lump of carbon that has ever dared to breathe my air while I'm standing there needing it". Oswald walked away in a huff, and was seen talking in a far corner of the Lincoln Bedroom with Lyndon Baines Johnson, then the Bainiest vice-president in American history, and John Seigenthaler Sr..

Several months later, Oswald shot Kennedy in the back of the head during a parade.

Johnson and Nixon eras

Johnson relocated most of the White House staff into the Lincoln Bedroom, where he frequently paraded around naked and threatened people with his massive Johnson. He once slapped defense secretary Robert McNamara in the face with his schlong and cried out, "Sir, I demand satisfaction!" McNamara stood there stunned for a whole half-minute before collapsing. McNamara was eventually revived by EMTs, but lived with a stuttering problem the rest of his life.

Much of the Vietnam War was decided in the Lincoln Bedroom. The infamous Tet Offensive ensued in 1968 after Johnson put his hand on a red dot during a game of Twister. The dot happened to represent the Khe Sahn region. Johnson immediately informed McNamara to tell General William Westmoreland to move his big guns and Marines to Khe Sahn and prepare for a forward-deployed defense. Johnson then faked slipping and "accidentally" penetrated Martin Luther King, Jr.'s rear end. The disgrace King felt almost immediately ended the Civil Rights Movement.

Johnson eventually took pity on the shamed civl rights leader, and ordered him shot by James Earl Ray, a known homosexual who Johnson had befriended by way of a personal ad seeking an "office assistant" for "services" in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Johnson eventually tired of assaulting people with his meaty manhood, and decided to forgo a second term as president.

The White House defaulted to Richard Nixon. Nixon made little use of the Lincoln Bedroom, complaing he couldn't "stand the thought of all the queer Jewish rituals that took place in there". Nixon eventually gave the bedroom to Henry Kissinger to use as an office. Kissinger undertook and amazing restoration of the bedroom to its Roosevelt era form. On June 16, 1971 Kissinger relit the flame in the kiln of the Lincoln Bedroom, slaughtered a nublie naked Christian teen male and made the first matzo in the Lincoln Bedroom in over a half century.

The Lincoln Bedroom became a center of Washington's Jewish community under Nixon. Isreali Prime Minister Golda Meir reportedly killed a number of Christian boys in the Lincoln Bedroom following the Yom Kippur War. By the time of Nixon's resignation, the Lincoln Bedroom was synonymous with the Jewish occult.

Ford and Carter

President Gerald Ford largely ignored the Lincoln Bedroom. He unofficially called it "the Israeli embassy" because of all the blood libel rumors he heard about the bedroom.

When Jimmy Carter took over the White House, he put an immediate end to the use of the bedroom for occult activities. Carter reportedly once confronted Kissinger about the bedroom, and asked him, "What the fuck is wrong with you, Henry?"

Kissinger supposedly replied, "If that's the worst thing you can bring up about the Nixon administration, then you really haven't been paying attention for the last decade, have you?"

Reagan and the first Bush administration

When Ronald Reagan became president, he became noted as the first president to just use the Lincoln Bedroom as a bedroom.

However, British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher eventually convinced Reagen to return the Lincoln Bedroom to its status as a prime den of cruelty and sadism. Thatcher frequented the bedroom, and was known for a procalivity toward racially degraded form of bondage.

Thatcher's revival of the Lincoln Bedroom as guest room is often cited as a cause for the end of the Cold War. Rumor goes that that and Russian premier Mikhail Gorbachev were accidentally both scheduled to sleep in the bedroom during the same night.

When the two world leaders discovered the mixup, they decided to make the best of it and bunked together. For many years afterward, when Gorbachev was confronted about the fall of Communism he would retort, "If you spent one night in the Lincoln Bedroom with Peggy Thatcher you'd know the hell I saved our motherland from!"

Reagan's successor, George Herbert Walker Bush continued to employ the tactic of accidental double-bookings of the Lincoln Bedroom in order to force international compromise.

Clinton

The Lincoln Bedroom during the Clinton presidency. Featured in front is President Clinton after a night of drinking and debauchery.

The Clinton era is often herald as the Silver Age of the Lincoln Bedroom (the Golden Age, of course, being the Taft administration). President Bill Clinton may have been the single most dangerous pervert ever allowed into the White House.

Clinton's actions in the Lincoln Bedroom ranged from the extreme to the absurd.

The worst case was when White House deputy counsel Vince Foster supposedly committed suicide on the night of July 20, 1993 by shooting himself once in the head. After exhaustive investigations by Congress the truth eventually came to light. Clinton and Foster were having one of many marathon orgy sessions in the Lincoln Bedroom when they decided to take a break and order pizza. Foster had offered to split the cost, but couldn't find his pants in order to get money to pay for it. Enraged, Clinton pulled out a .32 caliber handgun and shot Foster in the face.

Clinton eventually admitted his guilt during a televised address to the nation. "I shot a man over a matter of five dollars," said Clinton. "That's right. I shot him for not paying for half a single topping medium pizza. I am ashamed. I ask the forgiveness of God and of the American people."

Clinton was never punished for his role in killing Vince Foster, except for being kicked out of the Dupont Circle chapter of Sexaholics Anonymous.

Clinton once shot vice-president Al Gore in the foot during an argument about the Middle East Peace Process. Gore reportedly tried to explain to Clinton that Mideast peace is a joke, like snipe hunting or beating the fuck out of retarded kids. Clinton pulled out his .32 and discharged a round into Gore's shoe.

Gore clutched his foot and cried out, "You insolent prick! You shot me in the gorram foot!" Clinton responded, "Snipe hunt, huh? Look! I found the snipe! Tag! You're it!"

Clinton then handed the gun to Gore and challenged him to shoot him back. Gore dropped the gun, punched Clinton in the face several times and then proceeded to rape Clinton. This action is often cited by historians for why they consider Gore one of the most powerful and manly vice-presidents in history.

Bush, again, only better: The Patriot Act

The Lincoln Bedroom during the Bush presidency. Featured is the notorious butt pyramid, hilariously called the Patriot Act.

In 2001, President George W. Bush took over the White House. Everyone knew the Lincoln Bedroom was gonna be trouble, but no one was prepared for what happened under Bush.

Bush's first order as president was to fill the closets in the Lincoln Bedroom with whiskey and cocaine. Bush then called up a number of his frat and dorm buddies from college and they proceeded to have a gay orgy on the Johnson Twister mat. By the end of the orgy, the entire bedroom was smeared in feces and vomit with more than trace amounts of cocaine throughout. Pat Robertson wouild later recount, "You read about shit like this, but never do you think it will happen to you."

An atonished America awoke on January 21, 2001 to see pictures of the Lincoln Bedroom orgy aftermath splattered across the pages of all major newspapers. Bush later told the New York Times he leaked the photos to bolster his image as "a loose cannon president out of control".

Bush eventually told the country that he liked to call the giant ass pyramids he formed during sex romps the "Patriot Act". Bush noted, "It's not as depraved as the Taft-Hartley Act, but you'll still have a friend or two when you're done doing the Patriot Act."

The acts in the Lincoln Bedroom have only worsened as the Bush administration has gone on. Vice-president Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter frequents the Lincoln Bedroom, and is "the unofficial Director of Lesbian Butt Pyramids" according to a Bush interview with Time magazine. Vice-president Cheney once shot a friend in the face with bird shot "just to watch him bleed".

The conduct of the wars in Iraqistan and Afghanistan has been strongly influenced by the Lincoln Bedroom. Former defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld once told reporters that most of the ideas for torture in Iraq and Gitmo originated in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Republican members of Congress began trafficking child sex slaves through the Lincoln Bedroom. This was perversely named the No Child Left Behind Act. It led to a backlash by an offended American public. A second Underground Railroad was established to rescue abused children from the Lincoln Bedroom.

In 2006, Congress renewed the Patriot Act with provisions allowing the FBI and the Department of Justice to perform the Patriot Act on Americans without asking a judge for a writ.

George Bush told America during the 2007 State of the Union address, "It is my dream to make America the Lincoln Bedroom of the world. And God willing, I will."

In 2007, the Democrats assumed control of Congress and moved to end funding for the Lincon Bedroom by March 2008. However, President Bush vetoed the measure. "If we set a timetable for ceasing depraved sex acts in the Lincoln Bedroom, the terrorists will mark their calendars for the day they can throw their big victory party. Well... fuck that! And fuck you, too, Nancy Pelosi."

Ghosts in the Lincoln Bedroom

White apparitions are often seen in the White House.

Not surprisingly, given the bloodshed held there, the Lincoln Bedroom has been the origin of many ghost sightings.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reported hearing the cries of dead Christian babies demanding the blood of the Jews. Henry Kissinger reportedly called Ahmadinejad "a cocksucker" when he heard the accusation.

An odd ghost sighting that is nearly universally reported is that of Rosemary Kennedy, the now-dead retarded sister of John Kennedy. The case is unusual because Rosemary died in 2005, but the sightings date back to before the Truman administration.

In an interview in 2006, Bill Clinton claimed several of the sightings were his fault, because he like to put on the wardrobe of a member of the Ku Klux Klan grand wizard and run around threatening black people. Said Clinton, "Yeah, I guess I acted pretty retarded when I did that."

One sighting, claimed by Nancy Reagan in 1987, seemed to mirror a report of alien abductions common throughout the United States' poorer hillbilly sections. This sighting was dismissed as likely just being Missus Reagen seeing herself in the mirror and assuming it had to be an alien or the dead retarded sister of Jack Kennedy.

In 2004, the Mystery Machine was called in to look for the ghost of Rosemary Kennedy. The ghost was never found; however, there is speculation that Baath Party supporters may have sneaked the ghost into Syria or perhaps Jamaica at the beginning of the War on Terra.

In a March 2007 interview, Hillary Clinton said, "I never saw any ghosts, but I sure as shit made my fair share of them when people fucked with me."