State of the Union address
“We're fucked!”
The State of the Union is a method of compressing lies and bullshit into an hour or two long transmittable file. It is created to tell us what The President thinks, received in a room full of crusty and aging men and women who lost their souls long ago and whose genitals are shriveled and infected from lack of use. Generally, when the state of the union is broadcast, people still tend not to give a shit and change the channel to American Gladiators. After this event is over, as a clever way to distract the uneducated masses from what was actually said, various pundits raise opinions and witty banter of the Address.
History[edit | edit source]
The tradition of the address started with George Washington in 1789. While on a 36-hour long masturbatathon in his house at Mount Veronica, President Washington smoked a small bag of crack and "needed someone to talk to". Thus followed an impromptu address to the United States Congress, where President Washington outlined how "The guv'ment came and took mah baby.".
Since that historic address, each President made an annual statement which outlined the President's bullshit agenda in order to get votes from idiots. This address became an established tradition, allowing the President to drop deuce all over the American people, propagandising them into believing that the American public lives in a "democracy".
A Pre-state of the union speech[edit | edit source]
Abraham Lincoln's Notations to the American People was one of the more famous pre-state of the union speeches. On a train ride, Lincoln watched out the window as a Harem flew by on the street. He proceeded to think and foster ideas that culminated into what is below:
| “ | My fellow Americans. In these times, we exist in constant crisis, and with that, many things must be done. At first, I believe that we should abolish slavery, ending our racial struggle between brother and sister. For too long have we lived constantly bickering and we must cease and break the heavy animosity existing amongst what should be known as "one". But we must not stop here, my fellow people. For as long as I can remember, it was not kind of our men to bequeath multiple wives at certain times. The act of polygamy, especially by the church, is looked down upon. Why must us men really suffer, and keep ourselves to one person? It is at this time, we must break these bonds of oppression, and make make sovereignty a real thin--
What? No! you can't walk away! Listen! I mean come on. How many times has it happened to you that "Ye Olde Wife" will be at home making dinner, and 'her water breaks', yeah right. Where's my fucking dinner? We need to bring this issue under scrutiny. Show the Americans that men need multiple wives to wash their feet and make the beds. I mean really, it always seems that right when I want to make love, or for her to make the bed, my wife's cholera mysteriously returns. Come on! Let's make polygamy a reality! |
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— Abraham Lincoln
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In Recent Times[edit | edit source]
The Most Recent Address, given by George W. Bush, was cited for its explicit ability to address our current deer to man ratio. It was able to show, not only that Bush is alive, but that if we do not act soon, we will soon be referred to as the United Deers of America.
Other than such wonderful speeches as this, State of the Unions have achieved their original purpose: To dispel rumors that our president is dead...except for J.F.K. that was our bad.