Finding Dorian
| Finding Dorian | |
|---|---|
 A promotional trailer for the movie. | |
| Directed by | Andrew Stanton (Director's Note: That's me!) |
| Produced by | Lindsay Collins (Director's Note: She financed the whole movie for me, but you don't care about that.) |
| Screenplay by | Andrew Stanton (Director's Note: Me again!) |
| Story by | Andrew Stanton (Director's Note: Me three times!) |
| Starring |
|
| Music by | Thomas Newman |
| Cinematography | Two interns who played with the hue sliders on Blender |
| Edited by | Axel Geddes |
Production company | |
| Distributed by | Disney |
Release date | September 1, 2016 |
Running time | 97 minutes |
| Country | United States |
| Language | English |
| Budget | Whatever Disney needed to launder that day. |
| Box office | -1 million (gross profit due to damage caused by Dorian) |
Finding Dorian is a 2019 mockumentary produced by Pixar Animation Studios and The Weather Channel, being released by Walt Disney Pictures. Produced in just two days, the film has countless instances of cheap editing, possibly since it was a direct-to-DVD production which was created to take advantage of the hype surrounding Hurricane Dorian. Surprisingly, Donald Trump, whose ego normally makes him angry at anything remotely liberal, agreed to become a sponsor of the movie. This was disastrous, and the resulting advertising campaign was dubbed by the media as "Sharpiegate".
Background[edit | edit source]
“Poor, poor Alabama! You're right in the path of the storm!”
As you already known from the Wikipedia article, Dorian originated like many storms with her strength, in Africa. Despite the folks at the National Hurricane Center being blissfully unaware of Dorian's predecessor wave existing until August 19, angry British news reporters at Talk TV and the Daily Mail predicted the system during a news-break several days earlier, which you can see here:
- Reporter 1
- GET ALL THE AFRICANS OUT! THEY'RE [racial slur redacted]!
- Reporter 2
- Yeah! THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA SHOULD BE AWARE THAT HURRICANES come FROM AFRICA! I BET ONE IS FORMING RIGHT NOW DUE TO THEM, CONSPIRING WITH THE BLACKS TO DESTROY THEIR DISGUSTING NATION!
- Reporter 1
- Yeah!
After the NHC finally realized that it formed, the wave silently developed, not becoming a tropical depression until August 24.[1] Soon after, it got named Dorian by them since it developed enough for them to actually care about it.
Now you may be wondering, "why should I care about this?". And the answer to that...is Pixar. You see, while the storm was developing, Pixar was working on their newest film, Finding Dory. However, due to the movie itself becoming corrupted just before release, they had to start from square one. As a result, while an employee at Pixar was tracking Dorian, they realized that they could take advantage of the massive hype likely to come from an American landfall. Pitching this idea to Disney on August 30,[2] the movie was greenlight a few minutes later, making Pixar work day and night to release this mockumentary.
Due to the combined efforts of Jim Cantore[3] and Pixar employees,[4] the movie was released early on September 1, just as Dorian striked the Bahamas. Soon after, Trump made his disastrous campaign, which caused Sharpies to lose a lot of money.
Sharpiegate[edit | edit source]
On 2:51 pm on September 1, Donald Trump tweeted this message.
 |
|
 | ||
| In addition to Florida - South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama, will most likely be hit (much) harder than anticipated. Looking like one of the largest hurricanes ever. Already category 5. BE CAREFUL! GOD BLESS EVERYONE! | ||||
| 2:51 PM - September 1, 2019 | ||||
  All of them[5]  All of them[6]
| ||||
In reality, Trump wasn't that dumb.[7] He was just promoting the movie, Finding Dorian, using a subliminal message which he had used to make people not vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. However, despite being told that he should try to mention anything other than Alabama, he still done so. This was bad.
When Dorian finally affected the United States, the only place it made landfall was in North Carolina, who's only known for Mr. Beast. Alabama only got a few downpours. As a result, Trump lost some of the power he had on his voters, Pixar began decreasing in quality, and Dorian lasted a bit longer in the news cycle.
Plot[edit | edit source]
As I'm far too lazy to bother making an actual plot, here's an AI-generated one with my comments, bastards.
- In the heart of the Atlantic Ocean, Hurricane Dorian swirls with an unexpected twist—it has developed a personality! Meet Dorian, a quirky and unpredictable hurricane who just wants to explore the world beyond its swirling winds and rain.[8]
- Narrated by a whimsical narrator, the mockumentary dives into the lives of various sea creatures and humans who encounter Dorian on its journey.[9] We follow a plucky group of marine biologists led by Dr. Marlin[10] who are determined to understand the hurricane's behavior and perhaps find a way to calm its destructive tendencies.[11]
- Dorian, meanwhile, discovers a newfound sense of purpose as it encounters schools of fish, a forgetful sea turtle named Dory, and a laid-back group of surfing penguins.[12] Along the way, Dorian learns about the importance of balance in nature and the impact of its powerful presence on the delicate ecosystems of the ocean.
- As the mockumentary unfolds, we witness hilarious interviews with the inhabitants of coastal towns, from the mayor who nervously prepares for Dorian's arrival to the local surfers who see the hurricane as the ultimate challenge.
- Through humor and heart, "Finding Dorian" celebrates the resilience of communities in the face of natural disasters and the beauty of the oceanic world. Ultimately, Dorian discovers that while it may be a force of nature, it can also make a positive difference in the lives of those it encounters.[13]
Release and legacy[edit | edit source]
When it released, not a single person seen it in theaters. Additionally, the people of the Bahamas were so angry about this movie even existing, they fined Disney $1 million, causing them to cancel their plans of a Hurricane Cinematic Universe, expected to rival Snyderverse and the MCU. As for its legacy, there is none. You see, turns out making a hurricane movie is insensitive.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ The reason why it's called a tropical depression is because this is usually when the meteorologists at the NHC get depressed since they'll have to work 24/7 until it dies off.
- ↑ Just as Dorian reached the Virgin Islands.
- ↑ ...who went into the eye of the hurricane with surprising ease
- ↑ ...who were working 120 minute per hour
- ↑ Trump was popular on Twitter before, that's why it says that.
- ↑ As stated before.
- ↑ Ok, he was somewhat.
- ↑ And explore, it did.
- ↑ Sadly, except Jim Cantore, they all died. Shame.
- ↑ IDK.
- ↑ Some say that global cooling would work.
- ↑ Yes, it affected Antarctica. The media's lying to you!
- ↑ You may think that ChatGPT was smoking crack, but it does have a point. If Dorian had struck Florida directly, I likely wouldn't be here making a tasteless article on the subject.